I'm enjoying my life this week. I just love the sound of the birds in the morning. And I'm really enjoying our warm weather - even though it means we'll be water rationing soon. I'm also appreciating my friends. And I'm especially enjoying being able to eat whatever I want and whatever the rest of my family's eating.
I know that I'll have some difficult times ahead but for now, I'm enjoying the moment. One thing I've been able to do better is to set aside the thoughts about how I created this problem. It's my old new agey mind that goes there and brings me down - because you know, "you create your own reality" is that new age motto. One old friend of mine told me to read Loise Hay because really I'm not sick at all and it's all in my beliefs. So as I get better at not blaming myself for my predicament, I will be able to write you about how I think I ended up here - as far as how long I knew something was wrong until the time I got it diagnosed.
But for now, I'll share with you a Daily Dose that helped me get the right perspective. It helps me to remember that my life is in G-d's hands and my intention is the only thing that is in my control. My intention is where my free will comes in. (My rabbi once told me this.) Does my intention effect my attitude? Is even my attitude out of my control? And how close are my thoughts to my intention - or is my intention deeper even than thought and feeling. I have to discuss this further with my rabbi because I'm not totally clear on how far my intention reaches.
Anyway, I had the following come into my inbox the other day (it's the Daily Dose).
Know Your Strength
By Tzvi Freeman
From your challenges you may know your strengths.
You did not make yourself. You did not choose your parents, nor did you design the environment that nurtured you.
The One who brought you to this world, who knew you before you were conceived and who fashioned you in the womb -- He knew intimately all the challenges you would meet, your faults, your struggles. He was the one who designed they should be there.
And for each brick wall, He provided you a ladder. For each chasm a bridge. For each mountain a deep reserve of superhuman strength to surprise even your own self.
When one of those challenges arises, you need only imagine what it must take to overcome -- and you can be confident that strength is within you.
That Daily Dose makes the viewpoint of "you create your own reality" seem pretty arrogant. Though there is a Yiddish saying that I love: Tracht Gut vi Zein Gut - Think good and it will be good. So maybe the two sayings are not so far apart as I imagine. I just feel much better when I let myself off the self-blame hook and instead see how G-d has chosen the perfect challenge for me to access the strengths that I know I need to access in this lifetime.
So I look forward to my next round of chemo, a week from this Wednesday (my 4th with only 3 or 4 more rounds) and I am going to make the most of this week of feeling normal again.Thanks so much for participating in this carepage with me. Thanks for being part of the ladder and bridge I've been given for overcoming this brick wall. I've been thinking lately that this brick wall I've been given is better than some of the others I've heard about and could have to deal with instead...