Monday, March 1, 2010

Anger and Depression Aren't 24/7

Some of you really "got" what I was writing about last update. Glenna and Gina both said, "Go Girl!" But lots of others just got real worried about me and depressed themselves. Or wanting to advise/help me.

I can understand the misunderstandings because I was writing from the depressed/angry/grieving voice. But I want the people who are worried about me not to think I am listening to that voice all day long. I am not in depression or anger all day, every day. I surely didn't want to bring anyone down when it should be a "freilichen Purim"! What I was trying to convey was that I was understanding the grieving process better and going to anger would help me with the depression.

It was like the anger was helping me. It still is. Whenever I go to depression, I am now turning it around to anger and I can let go of it faster and keep my energy.

It's amazing what taking away your estrogen can do to you!!!

And I don't think I will ever end the grieving process. I will go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance over this loss forever. I may not get stuck in the depression as much as time goes on, but I know things will remind me of this and I will go back into it again. I can't leave this behind.

When we lost our school it was 6 or 7 years ago. Both of my kids now are going to school at that site that they were kicked off of in 1st and 5th grades. Still, I go through the grieving process all the time around the loss of that school. It comes up whenever I hear someone diss the site because it's really for elementary kids and not for high school kids. And whenever the school board messes with us, I go quickly right back to the anger stage again. Grieving is an ongoing process that I don't believe ever really ends.

So just to let you know the other side of the story, these are the ways I'm helping myself:
1. I exercise every day. I'm now walking with Geoff on the cliff every morning.
2. I stay away from sugar as much as I can. It messes with my energy.
3. I am on 3 different medications trying to manage the effects of losing all my estrogen so quickly.
4. I see a psychiatrist regularly to discuss the meds and I see a therapist weekly to work on myself and support myself.
5. I listen to audios on
6. I am working 4 days a week and loving the distraction from my own problems.
7. I have decreased my stress levels by doing certain things with my family members that helps them. I'd been avoiding this stuff but have worked through it and now things are better at home.
8. I write this blog and another one.
9. I am seeing my acupuncturist regularly again.
10. My parents are helping me pay my medical bills.
11. My dad told me he'd come visit me anytime I wanted him to.
12. Geoff makes most of the dinners and gets the breakfasts and kids ready and off to school.
13. I've got cleaning help here weekly.
14. I'm reading again now that I've got energy from the meds.
I guess this list could go on but I'll stop here.

It's hard for me to have people worried about me or thinking I'm in a bad place all the time or feeling the need to help or advise me. I can't stand people thinking I'm defective and can't or don't do what I need to do to help myself. I don't know where that comes from, but it's powerful for me. So when I write something from that negative place, I will probably quickly follow it up with the other side, just to avoid having people think badly of me. But for those of you who got that the bad part was actually good, thank you.