Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Taxes & Reminiscing

I've been working on our taxes today and feel really resistant. It seemed easier to do this last year when I was going through chemo! I wanted to get the hard stuff over first. So it's interesting that the first thing I tackled was going over our medical expenses from last year. But I didn't realize how I would feel seeing all those medication receipts. They brought me right back.

I've been feeling lately like I'm being pulled back into all the sadness about the situation I went through, that my family's had to go through. I haven't cried, but I have touched into that sadness. I do feel sorry for myself and my body. I thought the treatment part would end one day, so I just needed to get through it and then I'd be done. But I'm not done. And we're all still healing from this past year yet, still it all continues.

My dad's coming to visit me! That's one good thing that's come out of this latest setback. He'll be here tomorrow through Saturday. Yay!

I'm still trying to get my medications right for my mental state. Last week I went to a psychiatrist and tried something (Abilify) for 3 days, then switched to something else (Wellbutrin) because someone told me bad stories about the first thing. OY! And now I'm on the Wellbutrin and feeling more energy - actually like I've drank a lot of coffee but I'm more tense, anxious and unable to fall asleep... It does take away my appetite though which is a good thing.

I went to my acupuncturist and felt safer. She told me she's glad I'm on Aromasin instead of Tamoxifen because the T can turn on you. She also suggested a urine test which shows me the type of estrogen I'm creating. There is a good type of estrogen. And if I can't take Aromasin, there's a supplement that's concentrated good stuff from broccoli.

It's scary to not take some kind of hormone regulator since it cuts recurrence in half...but I'm getting fearful of taking medications. Still, I feel I have to give it a chance - try to make it work. If it doesn't, then I can give up.

I also went to see that medium/psychic again. She gave me some good information on my continued healing. Mostly, she told me to refocus myself away from work and onto my family. I realized how much I use work as a distraction and a possible addiction. I can avoid problems of my own while I'm busy working. No wonder I worked throughout my chemo. I need to focus on my family for my healing - not work.

Here's something that she told me that may deeply touch a few of you. I asked her about the medium stuff she does and if people who've passed on will come to her as we have the reading. She told me "No", that I have to come in for that specifically, if I want that. Then she said, "but there's a grandma here with you. When I told you 'No', your grandma shouted, 'wait! I'm here!"

The other funny thing was she asked if Geoff has a sister. I said, "No." Then she said, "well, does he have a cousin he's close to?" I said, "well, he talks to a cousin who lives back east." She said, "Her name starts with "N". OH! Then I knew who she was talking about!!!! There is a very good friend who's a female who he talks to every day and whose name starts with N.

So, that's all I have for now. I've already taken a library break, a lunch break, a cookie break, and now a carepages break. I need to get back to my taxes.