It was really hard for me to completely stay away from Aimee this time. She had a bad one with fever. It's in my nature to be the healer for this family and especially for my kids and it just kills me to hold myself back so I don't get sick. (I was cocky too since my white count's been normal.) Geoff's great about being the hard-nose to get her to drink fluids. He's good at the hard-edge style of parenting. But I'm the nurturer.
Which reminds me of seeing my clients this weekend. They did like my wig. (But of course, would they tell me if they didn't?) Still, the new client I saw didn't know it was a wig - so that tells you something. Aimee helped me decide which wig was the best for me out of the 4 free ones I've been hoarding. And truthfully, I did think she picked the best one. I felt like Bailly in it. (And that says a lot because she has a really good sheytle - not a free one.)
Anyway, back to the colds. I got a cold prior to my first chemo and so I'm thinking that could be one of the reasons I'm fighting one off now...the surgery looms. Stress from anticipation anxiety gets me many times. I have one more chemo and that only means I'm looking at surgery. And as much as I tell myself that I will lose 6-8 pounds once these are gone, and I will never have to wear bras again, and never have to have rashes during the summertime and am looking forward to getting to eat the hospital food that I couldn't touch last time, it's still my body and it's still surgery.
When in a depressive mood, I do go to thoughts like, the surgery is irreversible and what if they come up with a cure in the near future? Am I making the right decision? Am I going to one day regret not getting reconstruction? Will Geoff be repulsed by me? Will I be repulsed by myself? Are people going to be repulsed if I happen to go without falsies and look completely flat there? Will I handle the pain and the phantom limb feelings? Am I going to be able to handle the drains? Will I be able to do what it takes to get my arm motion and strength back? Will I get lympedema? (Sorry to be so honest about all of this because I know it's not so pleasant to read about this stuff.) And I don't need any advice on it unless you've gone through this yourself and can share your experience with it...after the next chemo (April 1st) I will be meeting with the surgeon to get my questions answered and I know I will eventually find my way through all of this stuff as I have everything else.
G-d sent me a Law and Order that was about breast cancer. I watched it last night. McCoy wanted to nail a healer who was giving women hope that they wouldn't have to have mastectomies. Instead they just died. I realized that was my answer to a prayer about helping me get the right perspective for the surgery.
So I'm looking forward to getting my new guided visualization cd from my acupuncturist today and taking a nap on her acupuncture table and talking to her about our kids Jason and Jake. Belleruth Naparstek also has a cd for surgery (among her many other fabulous cancer support guided visualization cds). They are really wonderful with such positive affirmations on them.
The birds are still singing and I can hear a wood-pecker and it's another beautiful day in Santa Cruz. My mom's coming to visit on Friday all by herself and I'm looking forward to some one on one. It should be good, warm weather for her and I should be feeling healthy and strong and up for all those restaurant meals. I'm also scheduling lots of free massage and did I tell you that they also offer free massage to family members? So I've got to get one for Geoff too.