Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hanukkah Lights & Radioactive Lights

I've been pretty anxious this week about the PET scan. First I was told I'd be radioactive for 6 hours afterword and should sit in the back seat when Geoff drives me home. Then I was told I only needed to do that if driven by a pregnant woman. So truthfully, I didn't know what to believe.

The scan was this morning and I'll get the results tomorrow. What happens is they give you an IV with radioactive material and some floro-something-glucose. You've been fasting and so the body will send the glucose to the most active cells. That's how they find the bad cells since they grow the fastest.

This week has been one of pondering the connection between ignoring a lump in my breast and ignoring the signs of a scam. In neither case did I do what I needed to do - logically - to protect myself. My behavior is quite scary and my foolishness just shocking to me. What is this denial of reality all about? Why do I do these things? And what am I being a fool about right now that will bite me in the butt later?

That's why I kind of like not wearing my fake boobs lately. Aside from the fact that the only camisole that's comfortable gave me a rash on my stomach, I am enjoying just being who I really am. I also got myself a medical bracelet to protect my arms when I can't. Really, having a flat chest isn't so bad. It makes me look slim.

I like to remind myself of all I went through and to even scare myself a bit with the scenario that my doc will call me and say they saw something in the scan. Believe it or not, the scenario keeps me grounded. It makes me remember what it felt like the first time I was diagnosed. A little over a year ago. How quickly I forget.

There's something about staying in the dark, rather than being in the light of clarity that has to do with my tendency toward denial of reality. But the dark feels like light to me when I'm in denial. I think I've got this fabulous chance to get paid to shop or I've got this fabulous immunity to cancer with all the natural stuff I do. Then I get hit with the light and I find myself radioactive.

Maybe I just don't want to see the dark or believe in it. Do my clients love me because I am so accepting, understanding and boundary-less? Am I in denial about all of them too? I just don't want my blinders to hurt me anymore.

One dark thing I was sure of was those Nazi flags downtown. The rabbis from Beth El got to work on that and the landlord made him take them down. But then we had another battle with the public menorah that raised its head.

A couple of months ago I heard that the "atheists" in town were emailing and calling the rabbi to protest the menorah. He invited them to his house (like all Chabad rabbis do with everyone) and what I was curious about was, "were they Jewish?" Some Jews are not happy with public displays - separation of church and state and perhaps some fears about being thrown in gas ovens. But Chabad wears its Judaism on it's sleeve, hat, beard, tzitsis, and in your face. And no, they weren't Jewish and only one person showed up to his home.

Their conversation was interesting - of course, I had to ask the rabbi, what ever did he say to this person? The conversation revolved around this woman's fear of people believing in things that aren't real and she hopes for the day that everyone will believe in science and only science. The rabbi's response was to say something like, "Well, I'd be afraid if that happened again since people who only cared about science did some horrific experiments on my people in Nazi Germany."

Anyway, shortly after the Nazi flag fiasco, we started to hear about the city council telling the rabbi that their permit they've given over the years for the menorah lighting should have contained a requirement to have round the clock security. This of course would have made it financially impossible to have the menorah up. Well, the public rose up to support the menorah and the city council "caved". (BTW, all this occurred around the same time as my article was in the paper - and I realized that the editor protected me by cutting out anything that might have caused more controversy.)

So the rabbi wrote us all an email stating that Chabad was now going to host a concert/Chanukah party in tribute to the overwhelming support for the public menorah. He wrote: "The Lubavitcher Rebbe of blessed memory taught us that when faced with adversity, one must endeavor to rise not merely back to status quo, but to greater heights than before. That way the adversity itself becomes a tool for goodness, by becoming the impetus to greater good than before. Light comes not only after the darkness, but from within it!"

These words were really the theme I had rolling around in my mind all through my diagnosis and treatment this past year. They also remind me of the meaning behind the entire Chanukah story when the Hasmoneans won their battle to keep their religion despite Syrian-Greeks slaughtering pigs in the Holy Temple. On the 8 nights of Hanukah, the menorah increases in light each night while the band that will perform in S. Cruz is called, "the 8th Day": http://www.My8thDay.com - the name may have something to do with Hanukah but I've been told that the #8 is a mystical number because it is outside of the normal 7 days of the week - and represents the miracle that occurred so long ago. The 8th Day band is an Hasidic rock band that has the rabbi's cousin as a member. I've always been their biggest fan in S. Cruz so I think the rabbi is holding this party just for me!!!!

So tomorrow night, I'm looking forward to celebrating more light in S. Cruz at Vet's Hall with the 8th Day band, along with a clean PET scan result. I'll write again this week to report the result to you before we go away for 2 weeks to Palm Desert to be with my parents.

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