Monday, June 15, 2009

Clearing Out

The radiation continues and I guess I'm 6 or 7 weeks post-surgery. My energy continues to be good and so is my outlook/perspective. Tomorrow's day 10 of the radiation and I'm starting to get red - especially under the arm. The doc told me they are especially targeting the lymph nodes there on my left side. I'm still pretty numb for a good 2 inches on either side of the scar which extends across my chest from under one armpit to the other. I wonder how much feeling will end up coming back.

I find myself wanting to clean out every nook and cranny in my house. I guess that tells you how my energy levels are doing. But I wonder if this desire for clearing out is simply a parallel healing that's going on in my psyche. The radiation is clearing out every last bit of disease and I'm wanting to clear out every closet, drawer and cupboard in my house. Interesting isn't it?

I am a pack rat and it takes me forever to clear out and let go of stuff. Going through my closet today, I cleared out 3 bags of clothes to donate and 2 bags of clothes and shoes to throw away - they were worn to their last threads. I guess I save my husband money on clothes even if I need to spend it on health.

I'm also finding myself wanting to clear out my negative emotions. My anger has been a problem over the years. It's not that I lash out at people, but I stew and can be snippy with Geoff. And not very supportive. I'll never forget the comment that the director of Jason's co-op preschool told me once: "We are better at being mothers than we are at being wives."

I know that my anger is really about my own martyr complex. If I don't do what I want to do and don't take care of myself the way I need to do, I will tend to blame it on others. It's been a lifelong pattern that I want to clear out so that I can communicate in a healthy way - with power, rather than as a victim. Standing up for myself and what I want in life can be done cleanly and without anger, fear or other people's permission and agreement.

Life goes so much more smoothly when I just do what I need to do for myself and not worry about what others think...Like going hatless! And flat-chested...

I did have a dream one night last week about wishing I still had breasts. It was about wanting to have sex appeal. I was even contemplating reconstruction in the dream. I suppose my psyche needs to go there to sort all this through. Maybe one day I'll want to wear prostheses. Who knows. But right now, I'm happy wearing nothing...especially these days while my skin is turning red.

I've got about an inch of hair all over my head. It still looks like a haircut no woman in her right mind would get - just too short. But everyone says I look cute.

I'm eating a lot of my sugarless chocolate these days and worrying about my tummy getting bigger and bigger. Being flat doesn't hide that one. And I'm wondering if those last dying canser cells are crying out for sugar-fuel even more now that they know the jig is up. The end is near and they don't like it.

But here's the recipe: melt unsweetened chocolate in a pan on a low flame and add some coconut oil. Add stevia and a bit of agave. Once it's all melted you can do one of three different things:
1. Add nuts and/or unsweetened rice crispies. Pour it into a mold over waxed paper and put it in the frig to be cut into pieces once a bar again - ta da! you've got bites of a chocolate bar!
2. Add peanut butter and some nuts and some oats. Drop by spoonfuls over wax paper and refrigerate. You've got yourself something pretty close to fudge.
3. Freeze 1/4s or 1/3s of banana on a toothpick and then roll each into the melted chocolate and you've got yourself a chocolate covered Popsicle.

Those darn cells won't get any fuel this way and I will still get my chocolate! Die you freaks of nature!

I'll just have to dance more to get rid of the round tummy.

Hope you have a Happy Father's Day.