What Doesn't Kill You...

Dark Paths

By Tzvi Freeman

"He could have placed streetlamps along all the pathways of wisdom, but then there would be no journey. Who would discover the secret passages, the hidden treasures, if all of us homed in straight for our destination?"


Tomorrow's the last day of radiation - YAY!! I'm celebrating by buying the paper goods for Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party. And my kids are coming home from their big trip around 3pm (G-d Willing). That will be a treat in itself.

I have been fighting the radiation burn pretty successfully with lots of different lotions. I made a friendship that I will continue after I'm done. And she has her own story of horror: her surgeon told her after her lumpectomy that they had to do it all over again because the lump was bigger than they thought!

Yesterday I went to the Lymphedema clinic and was told there's no need for me to return - unless I get swelling that doesn't go away. I will be letting go of the sleeves next week. She reassured me and gave me more info and so I am not afraid of the disease anymore. Another person who got radiation when I did had 17 lymph nodes taken out of one arm and her hand is swollen. I felt sorry for her and I was so grateful that my doc only took 7.

The past week (while the kids were gone), I found myself thinking about that saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Twice I heard Geoff reference that saying while telling a friend that motherhood didn't kill me, but it did weaken me. Whereas this diagnosis & treatment has made me stronger.

With the kids away from home, I found myself obsessed with what Geoff said and wondering why motherhood didn't make me stronger and why breast canSer did.

When Jason was a newborn, he had reflux which made him a terrible sleeper and a screamer. I had thought I would always go back to work but when he needed medication 20 minutes before every feeding, it was hard to trust anyone else to know when he was getting hungry in order to give him his medicine. Harder still was trusting someone to know how to hold him off for 20 minutes before getting fed. The first time I got a baby-sitter and pumped and got out to my office to see my one client, she was a no-show. That was the last time I tried to go back to my practice for 10 years.

In the meantime, my health began to fail when in addition to weekly migraines, I was having severe insomnia from my baby's sleep habits. Then came Aimee and I ended up selling my furniture to the woman who was sub-leasing my office. It was really hard to let that go. I had done the office up so nice and it had a view of the ocean and the Hermosa Beach Pier.

After moving from So. CA. back to S. Cruz, my life wrapped around the lives of two little people. I volunteered in their classrooms and focused on their needs, while trying to catch a few hours here and there for myself when they were in school. Baily and I had a great time back then, hanging out together and talking while our kids would entertain each other.

Then Aimee got into kindergarten and first grade and I finally got a full 6 hours all to myself. But at the time, our school board was threatening to close our school and I became consumed with advocating for my kids through the loss of all that was familiar and the move to another school. That was when I became PTA president to help make that transition work for us as well as I could.

I suppose focusing on my kids to the extent I did wore me down. It also gave me an excuse for not having to face my fears of going back to working at my practice. I had been holding the belief that I never really liked that work anyway. Plus, the thought of dealing with others' problems seemed overwhelming when I had so many of my own. I couldn't imagine taking care of one more person. And I held the belief that I was never really good at being a therapist anyway.

I couldn't imagine building a practice again after being out of the field for so long. I was very insecure and didn't think I could ever market myself the way I'd built my practice the first time. Unfortunately, I had no idea all I needed to do was apply to insurance companies and they'd send me clients without my having to teach any classes or market myself in any way. Working with the insurance companies and doing all that paperwork didn't appeal to me, so I never pursued it.

That's when I tried to market to mothers. I felt I had a real good picture of what problems they faced and had the heart to help mothers like me. Unfortunately the website I created and the workshop I led didn't build the kind of practice I had before when all I did was lead a workshop to build it. Luckily I ended up trying the insurance companies just in time to catch this canSer before it turned into a stage 4. Once I had regular clients coming in I must have felt secure enough to finally get that mammogram and face what I didn't want to face and had no clue I would have to face.

So I guess where I'm going with all this is that maybe having my practice finally going right before getting diagnosed helped me to stay stronger through this ordeal than through the ordeal of motherhood. It's been helpful because it's something I do for me that helps me feel stronger and accesses the best part of me. So it reminds me of my strengths.

Going through this diagnosis and treatment has also made me stronger by reducing my tendency to lose myself in other people's problems or get overwhelmed by them - like I may have before when I had my earlier practice. My life is just too precious now and my energy too important not to protect. I don't go down that co-dependent road as much as I used to. So doing this work is not as draining as it was and I can be better at it than I was before.

There's nothing like staring death in the face to make you rise to the occasion. Of course the anti-depressant helps tremendously. In addition to no more migraines, it would be very easy to give up and just want to die instead of live if I didn't have a handle on my tendency toward depression. Getting my practice going and getting on Celexa right before getting diagnosed was such a miracle for me. I could not have survived this year and all its trials without either my practice or Celexa.

I think there's one more important piece that I have now that I didn't have back when I was a new mother. Geoff. Ok, I did have him back then but truthfully, I was the one to work in the classrooms, help with the homework, make the dinners, clean the house, work on the yard, pay the bills, do the taxes, get the kids ready for school in the morning and take them to school. I pretty much had gotten used to doing it all and not asking for his help. Gradually, through the years, he's taken on many of these tasks and thankfully, through this canSer challenge, he's been doing everything.

I have not had to do anything but focus on myself and get better.

Focusing on myself has been so healing. Not having any other responsibilities but your own self-care has got to be THE way to make sure that what can kill you instead makes you stronger. I'm in my own therapy, I've got my own carepages for writing therapy, I'm reconnecting with friends, I'm watching TV whenever I get tired, I can sleep in if I've had a rough night, I go to acupuncture weekly, I've had more massages this year than probably my entire life, I found an exercise I can do regularly that I really like, etc. My life is no longer so entirely wrapped around two other beings. I am finally able to take care of myself.

Enjoying the Empty Nest

It does feel kinda guilty to say that we are enjoying the empty nest. It's surprising to me. I thought I'd be missing them. But Geoff and I are connecting more and don't have as many dishes to wash. Plus, the kids are having the time of their lives and I am incredibly grateful to Brad.

So my life is all about having fun planning the Bat Mitzvah. If you didn't receive an email invitation and want one, please email me to let me know. The count is already up to 56.

I have only 5 more days of radiation and then I'm done. I haven't gotten the fatigue that they told me radiation brings on. Maybe it's the acupuncture and Chinese herbs or the Celexa or maybe I'm just lucky this time around. Instead I feel energized and excited to be almost done with treatment.

You may be wondering how I feel now, breast-less. It's really no big deal. I'm getting used to how it looks and enjoy exercising without them. I also don't worry too much about how I look and no one has seemed to stare - like I was afraid they would. In fact, I feel freer since I don't feel like I have to cover anything up and can walk around without a shirt if I want to (especially with the kids gone). Every chance I get, I ask a friend if she wants to see my bare chest!

Funny story: Before Aimee left on the trip, I brought her toward me for a hug and put her head against my chest. Both of us forgot that I no longer had anything there and clunk! went her head against hard bone. I think it hurt her more than it hurt me but we got a laugh out of it.

Next day she told me that from now on when she hugs me, she's going to wear a helmet!

So other than the numbness from surgery and the redness from radiation, I'm healing well in every way. Though, I still sometimes wonder if I caught it in time and if the radiation did it's trick and if I will survive and if I'm just fooling myself thinking I'm going to be done with this soon...

On the 22nd, I will go to the oncologist again and talk about Tamoxifen or that other drug for women who are in menopause. I'll be on one of them for at least 5 years and maybe longer. So aside from regular CT scans, my treatment is nearly done.

I've got the energy now to eat more raw and cooked veggies - so that's another thing I'm doing to try to protect myself from recurrence or spread. Kale is my friend.

Tomorrow night we've been invited out to the Shadowbrook to eat dinner with another couple. Haven't done that in ages! (Thanks Doug!) So I'm enjoying my empty nest.

Hope you have a great July 4th.

The Kids Just Left

For those of you who don't know, Aimee and Jason were invited by Geoff's brother, Brad, to go on a trip to Costa Rica. Aren't they lucky? They just left for the airport with Geoff. Fortunately, I didn't have to see them off because I have radiation at 11:30. I say, "fortunately", because it would have been difficult for me to leave them there by themselves.

This is the first time they are going away from home for an extended time. They've gone for a few nights at a time but never for 12. I am very happy for them - it's a fantastic opportunity, but it has been a bit anxiety-producing for all of us. I think Jason called Brad every day for the past two weeks just asking questions. It was hard for us all to sleep last night!

Geoff and I are going to have an empty nest for the first time in 15 years. Well, the dog will be here but I told Geoff we are going to go out for a picnic without the dog. Geoff and I have never spent time away from our kids. We even go out to lunch together when they're in school so we can be home with them when they're home.

I actually feel better now that they are finally gone. The anticipation of this trip was harder and last night and yesterday's final preparation was anxiety-producing. Right now though, if I don't think of them by themselves in the airport, I'm ok.

I gave them each a dollar to give to someone in Costa Rica when they got there. It's a tradition that Baily taught me once when I went on a trip. I told them that HaShem will make sure that they get there safe and sound in order to do that mitzvah.

By the way, I have been doing very, very well. Maybe too well - which I'll explain later. My energy has been great and I haven't felt any fatigue yet from the radiation which is going to be finished in 10 days! Plus I saw 7 clients this week!

The only drawback has been the skin soreness. I've had to resort to hydrocortosone cream for itching and I'm using Emprizone (a combination of aloe and antibacterial stuff) for the open sores. The weekend comes as quite a relief to my skin.

I wrote "I've been doing too well" because I realized I've been pushing myself. I hurt my body twice this week: once on my wrist and once on my shoulder. It was just a reminder to me that I've not been paying attention to the fact that I'm still in treatment and recovering from chemo and surgery. I've been so wanting to finally move forward after being held back all this time! But I need to use my brain and not just my heart.

I've been wanting to move forward with my practice and looking at what other insurance companies I can join. I was thinking, maybe I could tell WomenCare that I can see breast cancer patients. My acupuncturist, Emmy, reminded me that WomenCare has a requirement for their sister's in care to be at least 1 year outside of treatment before they can become a sister to someone. Duh...that sounds reasonable!

So I've been reminded to just appreciate where I am and what is in my life right now. I am in a very good place right now! Why mess with it? I am remembering that G-d gives me exactly what I need and I don't need to push myself or fret about the future. Just preparing the kids for a big trip out of the country and seeing 7 clients and getting radiation every weekday was enough on my plate!

So I don't want to make the same mistakes in my life again. I don't want to ignore my body when it tells me something's wrong. I want to use my brain and not just my fears or desires. I don't want to overwhelm myself or overbook myself to the point where I'm not happy anymore. Things are really good right now! I am really happy. And I want to continue being happy and healthy. That's all that really matters.

Aimee's Bat Mitzvah Party

I decided to go ahead with Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party even though I end radiation only two weeks prior. The radiation will burn my skin and I may feel fatigue by the end but I didn't want to postpone this event for various reasons.

1. I won't let this canSer win and disrupt my plans.
2. Aimee will be changing after this birthday and I want to have this party before the change happens.
3. She's starting PCS in the Fall and I don't want us to have to focus on anything else - homework will be enough!
4. Now's a good time for me to have this party since I will not be afraid to ask people for help.

Chabad recommends holding the girls' Bat Mitzvah at age 12 instead of at 13, like the boys. This makes sense to me since girls do mature faster. I remember Jason being a kid at his Bar Mitzvah and then soon afterward, he started to seem like a man. His whole demeanor changed and he even was able to understand certain jokes better. He wasn't hanging with the children anymore but was sitting with the grownups enjoying our conversation.

Chabad also sees a different role for girls vs boys on their Bar/Bar Mitzvah. The boys usually learn to read from the Torah and get an aliyah during a Torah service. (An aliyah is when they are called up to bless the Torah during the Torah-reading part of the service.) Girls don't have the obligation to lead a service, so their Bat Mitzvah doesn't include reading the Torah or going to a service. That doesn't mean that they can't learn everything a boy can learn - women just have a different role than men do in a public service. Younger girls and boys (not of Bar/Bat Mitzvah age) are allowed to run around and do whatever they want during a public service...which is what attracted me to Chabad when my kids were so young. Little kids can be comfortable during a service.

The difference between how Chabad sees the roles of men and women has been controversial and the reason why many people don't like to attend their services. I, myself, have enjoyed their services, feeling much more able to concentrate on prayer when the men are on one side and the women on the other. It seems like everyone is lost in their own, private prayer that way, even though they stand and sit together and keep up with the leader. I like that. It's a more personal & private conversation - between me and my Maker although done publicly with a community. Also, I have been thrilled to see the men so involved in spiritual practice. At Chabad services, the men do everything. They can't get away with thinking that religion and being spiritual is a woman's thing. It's a kick seeing them dance together with the Torah on the holiday of Simchas Torah. (When do you ever see men let themselves go and dance together with joy?) In my opinion, men need to have all this required of them, otherwise they just won't do it. We women on the other hand do not need any of this required of us. We are spiritual already. We don't need to be commanded to be. We just are.

Mothering is part of that. I believe that motherhood is a very spiritual process and am not surprised that the religions of the ancient past had women gods and fertility rites. Women go through birth and are connected to the children that come from their bodies in ways men just aren't. Your children are like pieces of your own body walking around outside of you. Their education and their care and their lives end up being your life no matter how much fathers participate these days. There are just basic differences between men and women that go very deep. So deep that it may also be more difficult for women to emotionally separate from their children when they need to let go. Of course these are generalizations and many of you may disagree.

But that's just my opinion.

And that doesn't mean that Chabad excludes girls and women from learning. The girls are required to light candles on Shabbos by the time they are 3 years old. They learn to pray and learn to read Hebrew before they even learn to read English. They also know about all the holidays and are Shomer Shabbos from as early as they can understand all the rules. And they know the rules of tsniut and Kashrut from infancy - just like the boys do.

Aimee has been involved with Chabad since she was 2 years old. She's been lighting a Shabbos candle since she was 3. She attended Ima and Me, Hebrew school, and now Bat Mitzvah club. At her Bat Mitzvah party, there will be no service. Instead, we will enjoy a lunch and she will give a speech, teaching us something she has learned. Bailly and Yochanon told me that she already knows so much that it won't be difficult for her to prepare for her Bat Mitzvah speech.

So this is the official/unofficial invite to you all. I hope I've given you enough time to plan either a trip to Santa Cruz or a trip to the West Side. The date, G-d Willing, will be Sunday, July 26th at 11:30am, at the DeAnza Mobile Home clubhouse. So there's your invite until I learn how to use PurpleTrail.com and send you an email invitation!

Since today's Father's Day I can't just leave this update only writing about how important mothers are! This Father's Day is particularly poignant for me this year. I gave Geoff a card today where I had written, "Congratulations. Today you are a Man!" Then I crossed that out since it's really supposed to be a Bar Mitzvah card. But truly, he really stepped up this year as both a man, husband, and father. I haven't had to lift a finger to wash dishes, make dinners, lunches or breakfasts, drop off and pick up kids from schools, put kids to bed or help with homework, do laundry, or do bills. Luckily, I'm feeling so well these days that I was able to get the kids to help me make him a delicious chocolate crepe breakfast this morning.

My own dad has always been a tremendously loving presence in my life. And although he can't seem to figure out how to use his computer and get on these carepages, he has been there for me this year and all my life. I can't tell you how many Harry & David packages we've gotten over the past 9 months but right now, a frozen H & D turkey sits waiting to be cooked. I also have tons of Trader Joe's gift cards sitting in my wallet thanks to Dad. But nothing will match how often he's asked me since diagnosis when he can come up to visit.

Aren't fathers fabulous? Yes, indeed they are. Happy Father's Day everyone!

Clearing Out

The radiation continues and I guess I'm 6 or 7 weeks post-surgery. My energy continues to be good and so is my outlook/perspective. Tomorrow's day 10 of the radiation and I'm starting to get red - especially under the arm. The doc told me they are especially targeting the lymph nodes there on my left side. I'm still pretty numb for a good 2 inches on either side of the scar which extends across my chest from under one armpit to the other. I wonder how much feeling will end up coming back.

I find myself wanting to clean out every nook and cranny in my house. I guess that tells you how my energy levels are doing. But I wonder if this desire for clearing out is simply a parallel healing that's going on in my psyche. The radiation is clearing out every last bit of disease and I'm wanting to clear out every closet, drawer and cupboard in my house. Interesting isn't it?

I am a pack rat and it takes me forever to clear out and let go of stuff. Going through my closet today, I cleared out 3 bags of clothes to donate and 2 bags of clothes and shoes to throw away - they were worn to their last threads. I guess I save my husband money on clothes even if I need to spend it on health.

I'm also finding myself wanting to clear out my negative emotions. My anger has been a problem over the years. It's not that I lash out at people, but I stew and can be snippy with Geoff. And not very supportive. I'll never forget the comment that the director of Jason's co-op preschool told me once: "We are better at being mothers than we are at being wives."

I know that my anger is really about my own martyr complex. If I don't do what I want to do and don't take care of myself the way I need to do, I will tend to blame it on others. It's been a lifelong pattern that I want to clear out so that I can communicate in a healthy way - with power, rather than as a victim. Standing up for myself and what I want in life can be done cleanly and without anger, fear or other people's permission and agreement.

Life goes so much more smoothly when I just do what I need to do for myself and not worry about what others think...Like going hatless! And flat-chested...

I did have a dream one night last week about wishing I still had breasts. It was about wanting to have sex appeal. I was even contemplating reconstruction in the dream. I suppose my psyche needs to go there to sort all this through. Maybe one day I'll want to wear prostheses. Who knows. But right now, I'm happy wearing nothing...especially these days while my skin is turning red.

I've got about an inch of hair all over my head. It still looks like a haircut no woman in her right mind would get - just too short. But everyone says I look cute.

I'm eating a lot of my sugarless chocolate these days and worrying about my tummy getting bigger and bigger. Being flat doesn't hide that one. And I'm wondering if those last dying canser cells are crying out for sugar-fuel even more now that they know the jig is up. The end is near and they don't like it.

But here's the recipe: melt unsweetened chocolate in a pan on a low flame and add some coconut oil. Add stevia and a bit of agave. Once it's all melted you can do one of three different things:
1. Add nuts and/or unsweetened rice crispies. Pour it into a mold over waxed paper and put it in the frig to be cut into pieces once a bar again - ta da! you've got bites of a chocolate bar!
2. Add peanut butter and some nuts and some oats. Drop by spoonfuls over wax paper and refrigerate. You've got yourself something pretty close to fudge.
3. Freeze 1/4s or 1/3s of banana on a toothpick and then roll each into the melted chocolate and you've got yourself a chocolate covered Popsicle.

Those darn cells won't get any fuel this way and I will still get my chocolate! Die you freaks of nature!

I'll just have to dance more to get rid of the round tummy.

Hope you have a Happy Father's Day.

Energy For Life Again

Getting out of the house every day to go to radiation has been energizing. My appointment is at 11:30am and most of the time, I'm done by noon. Perfect timing for doing errands or meeting a friend for lunch.

Then again, maybe it's the radiation itself that's energizing me like the energizer bunny.

It is kinda freaky to lie down and have this machine go on while everyone else scrambles out of the room. There are three different positions the machine moves into to shoot the radiation at my body. It takes about 3 minutes total. I've learned to put my mind on visualization or on anything else during that time.

The fun part is seeing those other women. I've learned that I'm lucky my tumor wasn't Her2 positive or I'd be in for yet another type of drip. I've also learned that even though I was so scared about chemo, my fear didn't cause my hospital trip. There's another woman there who she said she was as scared about chemo as I was. Still, she had no problem at all with her chemo and was able to get it every other week and every week towards the end!

My business is growing and in fact, it's the highlight of my week. So I have been missing Law & Order just because I'm rarely sitting in bed these days. Still, it's good to know when I start to feel tired, that I can sit down and just watch TV.

My exercise continues to be dancing and it's been fun. I've got a couple of dance exercise videos now. It's so nice to be able to have something I can do to get the sweat going that doesn't involve leaving the house or spending any money. Plus, I can do it any time of day I want to. It's just that the sleeves make me very hot. But I hear that eventually - maybe in another month or so - I won't need the sleeves anymore except for on a rare occasion.

So things are going better for me these days. I finally feel like the hard parts are behind me. I'm not afraid of how I look either. In fact, now when I hug people, I just get closer...tee-hee. And I think I do appear thinner. Plus, I really like just wearing undershirts. They're so comfortable.

Here's a tip for anyone who ever has to go through this: I discovered that the easiest way to stretch out my arms is to lie in bed, faced-down.

I noticed that since starting radiation, I've got sore jaw muscles on the right side. I figure it must be me grinding my teeth to just get through this last leg of the journey. My right side is holding the tension so that the left side can surrender and stay open to going through whatever it still has to go through.

So there's your update. Things are going better for me.

First Radiation

My first radiation was today and it was scary but I got through it by focusing on the visualization of white light. It was over in about 2 minutes. The fun part was meeting the other women who were also there getting radiation for breast cancer around the same time.

There are so many different types of breast cancer. One woman I talked to had a 2cm tumor, stage 1, a lumpectomy and then was getting radiation to her lymph nodes because they found microscopic cells in there. They also gave her the option of having chemo or not and she opted not to. I didn't see anyone else today who had a mastectomy - just lots of lumpectomies. They might have to get longer radiation than I do. Anyway, it will be fun talking to them all everyday over the next 6 weeks.

It seemed like we were all so hungry to hear someone else's story. Especially if they'd already experienced what we were anticipating having to go through in the future. It felt like we are all so in the dark and so isolated. I guess going to a support group would have helped me with this. But after going to that one at the beginning, I decided I didn't want to hear about someone who had another kind of cancer not getting results from her chemo. It was too upsetting for me.

My sister in care called me a couple nights ago and I got to complain to her about my depression after the surgery. I've been somewhat puzzled by it and not sure how to deal with it. Mostly, I've not been able to understand it and wondering why I couldn't get beyond it like I had been able to before while going through chemo. She said something to me that settled me about it and explained the reason behind it so that I was able to set it aside and feel more upbeat today. She said that when she had gotten to the end of her treatment, she'd been so worn down from the length of the treatment and all the different things she'd had to endure that she just felt weary rather than elated to be at the end.

That made so much sense to me. Look at all I've had to go through since October. And it's not over yet. Six weeks of radiation and then Tamoxifen and how will that effect my body? It will be nearly a year since diagnosis when I finally go on the Tamoxifen. This treatment of mine seems like it will never end. At least I've got the worst part over with.

On the bright side, my ortho arm sleeves are feeling better lately. I'm still wearing them at 9:30pm and don't feel like ripping them off. So I'm definitely healing. The swelling is going down.

And the dancing has been working well so far. I've got 2 hours or so of songs on my dancing playlist and have been enjoying the exercise. I even get to stretch my arms by swinging them from side to side to the beat. You would have enjoyed seeing me hopping and jumping with my inner child to Davy Jones singing, "hold on girl wait a little bit longer, hold on girl be a little bit stronger - hold on girl, help is on it's way..." How appropriate.

Dancing Thru Radiation

Ok, well maybe I won't be dancing while I'm getting radiated but I remembered today that dancing is my favorite type of exercise.

Truth be told, I hate exercise.

My dad used to wake me up before elementary school to go jogging with him at the park next to our school. Early in the morning. That might have turned my taste against exercise. I remember crying while jogging, hoping he'd notice I didn't want to be doing this...

Over the years, growing up, P.E. was not my favorite class. Then in high school, I got to take dance instead of P.E. I was in heaven. In my senior year, we had a dance performance where we got to choreograph our own stuff and pick our own music. Believe it or not, the Inna Gadda Devida drum solo was one of the many different types of music that made up our performance. My dad was probably the first person in America in those days to own a movie camera with sound, so luckily I still have a tape of our dress rehearsal.

In college and then later when I had my practice in Hermosa Beach, before kids, I used to go to an Israeli dance class. Luckily, Geoff and I had received a camcorder as a wedding gift and so I got him to video tape an entire class for me. Over the years, I've enjoyed dancing to that video at home, but never consistently.

Since being diagnosed and going thru chemo, I tried dancing to that old Israeli dance video and couldn't. I've been too weak and afraid of hurting my knees. There's a lot of jumping around with that kind of dance.

Walking's ok, as long as I have a friend to walk with. Geoff gave me an ipod for my birthday and I thought it would motivate me but it hasn't so far. I've been wondering if I've just been depressed since the surgery since my exercise commitment has been so lacking.

There's something about this phase of my treatment that is depressing. Chemo was temporary. Now I'm back to my life and it's permanent. I am permanently stuck in my life as a cancer survivor and there isn't anything too scary facing me in the future like before with chemo (except for my ct scans). I now need to hold to the changes I made and make my life different than it was before...I need to eat right, exercise, think right and stay happy. But my arms hurt and things really don't feel over yet. Maybe I'm just now getting a breather to be able to allow myself to be depressed about where I've been and where I'm headed. Maybe now that things are easier, I can let myself just be and not push myself to be up and happy.

I don't know. But I do know that I need to exercise and this foggy weather in the morning has made me not want to go outside. So when Aimee came home, I turned on my iTunes and asked her if she wanted to dance with me...

It was great fun. I became silly and we laughed really hard. I put on her metal hair band that has fake pearls all over it. On my furry head it just looked so stupid. We laughed so hard my tummy hurt. I decided then and there that dancing every day was going to be my next goal to get me thru radiation. Dancing and seeing clients and laughing with my kids will get me through anything.

Tomorrow's the "dress rehearsal" for the radiation. Then on Wednesday I'll have the real deal. I have a new visualization I'm thinking of practicing for that 10 minutes. It looks like the light burst of a sparkler - remember those? They were loads of fun on July 4th. The radiation hits the bad cells and sends out a blast that bursts like a sparkler. The center of the blast kills the bad cells and the burst of white light cleans and energizes the rest of the cells. I read that radiation actually damages all cells but that the canser cells can't repair themselves and end up dying while the healthy cells just repair. So it's white light time. (And you know how I've gone to great lengths to avoid radiation in my life - well here's another time I'm put literally face to face with it!)

I told Geoff that this Friday we're going out for lunch to celebrate the end of my first week of radiation.

Then I'll come home and dance...

BTW, my eyebrows and eyelashes have started to sprout!!!

My Re-Birth Day

B"H

"Sivan 4, 5769 * May 27, 2009
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C O U N T T H E O M E R R E M I N D E R
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Dear Friend,

Tonight, Wednesday night, May 27, 2009, we count forty-nine days, which is seven weeks of the Omer.

For detailed instructions on how to count the Omer, blessing text, omer calendar, and more information, go to: http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=A74EAEDD00117F75EA6A8C597F7C6226&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Now that we have concluded the counting of the Omer, we will resume this subscription next year, please G-d. We would like to invite you to take advantage of many of our other free subscriptions, all available http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=418AB5E46DE3B994F04AEC74DAFA0C7C&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Shavuot,

Chabad.org

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A Spiritual Guide to the counting of the Omer
Forty-Nine Steps to Personal Refinement
Courtesy of www.MeaningfulLife.com
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Day Seven of Week 7
Malchut of Malchut

Examine the sovereignty of your sovereignty. Does it come from deep- rooted inner confidence in myself? Or is it just a put-on to mask my insecurities? Does that cause my sovereignty to be excessive? Am I aware of my uniqueness as a person? Of my personal contribution?

Exercise for the day: Take a moment and concentrate on yourself, on your true inner self, not on your performance and how you project to others; and be at peace with yourself knowing that G-d created a very special person which is you."

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Well, we made it through the counting of the Omer and now we get to celebrate Shavuot and the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Bailly's going to have a dairy food party at her home on Friday at 6pm where we get to hear the rabbi read the 10 Commandments out loud. Today's counting instructions seemed so perfect for my re-birth instructions.

It was so nice to have Bailly put together a party for me. Stef and Doris and Margie helped her that morning. I was grateful to all of them and to all who were able to attend. I had anxiety about having invited too many people and about what I was going to say besides thank you to them all. I even picked at a pimple on my face due to my anxiety which then made me worry even more about how I was going to look. Everyone told me I looked great and everyone had a seat and there was food enough for many more.

I felt ok about what I ended up saying. Luckily I got to rehearse it with Sharol that morning. I basically said that I wanted to say more than thank you but didn't know what to say so I looked at the parsha for the week which is about counting the Jewish people before they got the Torah. Some interpretations say that G-d of course knows how many people were there, but the purpose of the counting was like how we count our own jewels. Relating that to my journey, I realized how much I count because of the uniqueness of who I am. Like the instructions for tonight's counting, I have a purpose to G-d in this lifetime, a "personal contribution" and am feeling more and more that my mission has not been accomplished just yet. It's not about performance, it's about specialness. And so it also relates to how special each of you is to me and how differently I've counted on each of you for the support you have given me throughout this journey that I've been on.

My birthday on the Jewish calendar is the day after Lag B'Omer which is the day in Jewish history when the students of Rabbi Akiva stopped dying from a plague (2nd Temple times). So relating that to me, I realized I've been through the plague and I am still alive and G-d-willing, will continue to live for many more years to come. I wonder if the fact that my birthday lies within the counting of the Omer makes me the kind of person who is always searching for ways to refine my connection to G-d and to my own true essence. (For example, I noticed before writing this that the message count on this site is up to 770...and every chabadnik will understand what I mean when I write that...even though I am still wondering what it all means on a deeper level in relation to what I am writing in this very update.)

So having that party, as much as I debated whether to do it now or not was important to me. Somehow it helped me to mark the end of chemo and surgery and feel like I have accomplished something...and ended something (though it never feels like the end of this). This diagnosis never ends even after your treatment ends so having a party to validate an accomplishment was healing for me.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling more tired than previously. Maybe I was just on a high before with my parents here and the party or maybe I'm just tired from all of that. I had a dream last night that I was pushing myself too hard and ignoring my illness. So I am trying to slow down and remember I'm still recovering from a big surgery.

I wore my bare head during a client session yesterday. With the ortho sleeves and long sleeves over that, I was so hot that I didn't care how I looked. It's funny how I felt before getting this surgery compared to how I feel now. I just want to be comfortable and there is no comfort for me with these darn ortho sleeves. So I really don't care anymore what people think about my flat chest and very, very, very short haircut.

By the end of every day, I rip off my sleeves and breathe a sigh of relief. I know I should just be happy to be alive (and I am) but without the sleeves on, life is so much more enjoyable. My mom always called me "Princess and the Pea", so there you go. I am definitely a creature of comfort and very sensitive.

I've been letting go of the guilt more too. This disease happens to people who are really different from me! It wasn't my fault. Who I am and the mistakes I made and whatever hang ups I had didn't create this problem. How could it if so many others who don't have my hang-ups have this disease too? What a relief to be able to say that now, compared to where I was in the beginning.

Next week starts a new chapter in my treatment: radiation. I've got an appointment every week day starting the 3rd at 11:30am for 10 minutes. The receptionist told me I'd get to be friends with all the other gals who have the same appointment time. So it's calendula cream until my skin turns red and then it's aloe vera to prevent the blisters. Luckily it's all taking place on just my left side and not my right.

I hear radiation's not a big ordeal and maybe I WILL be able to have Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party on July 26th...radiation will be done a couple weeks before that.

CT Scan - Negative

My oncologist just called me (Sunday night at 9:15pm) to let me know that my CT scan came back negative for any metastatic cancer. So that's a relief. It was very nice of him to call so late on a Sunday.

I'm feeling so tired right now - it's probably too late to be writing this but I wanted to give you the results as soon as I got them.

I worked today and could tell I wasn't quite totally at the top of my game. I probably went back to work too soon but thought it would be good for me to get myself dressed and out. Anyway I'm skipping next Sunday since my family's visiting.

I fretted about what clothes to wear and whether to wear the wig or go hatless. The wig won and I also put a gorgeous blue scarf around my neck with each end hanging down, covering both sides of my chest. Aimee told me it looked like a tallis. But it's really a pretty blue scarf with butterflies on it. Sharol gave it to me.

I also wore a silk, cream-colored button-down blouse that I once got when I worked for Glenna selling stuff on e-Bay. Julie and I split a lot of silk blouses one day. Remember those Glenna? Anyway, Stefanie told me that button down blouses with pockets are one of the secret fashions of small-breasted women. So I'm getting into them - especially since it's tough pulling anything over my head with my sore arms.

I stretch my arms every day. It's amazing how your muscles and tendons just tighten up after surgery. It's like your body starts pulling in to protect itself.

I'm going to the surgeon again tomorrow to get the rest of the tape off. Then on Thursday it's on to the radiation oncologist for a "mapping". If I'm all healed up by the following Thursday, I'll start the radiation. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be done with all this. I'll never be able to celebrate. I'm going to have to have CT scans every 2 months for the next 2 years. Finishing chemo and surgery were only the beginning of a lifetime of having to deal with this disease in some way or another.

But having a clear scan today is good news and makes me feel that the end could really be in sight...if I keep getting good scans. Maybe I did catch this thing right in the nick of time. Maybe I didn't totally and royally screw up after all. Maybe I really will live to the age of 74 and see Aimee get her first mammogram.