Being Thankful

I really enjoyed this Thanksgiving. It was an unusual thanksgiving because my parents were there. Normally we only celebrate with Geoff's family. So it was nice to have my parents. I also got to see my cousin Shari & her family who were visiting her husband's sister in Monterrey. I loved being with my family for a change. And it was such a treat to be with Shari.

Of course I had to remember last TG when I was unable to eat anything. This year, I was able to even eat some sugar - in the form of apple pie and vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately, I discovered that the sugar didn't effect me like it always had. And now I can't seem to stop eating a bit every day. But, hey, I feel grateful that the chemo cleaned me out like Ajax and now my body seems to be able to handle everything!

Today I went to a support group at Womencare. I've been going to these again. Remember when I went to my first one before going to chemo? Well, I got freaked out and didn't go to another one until 3 weeks ago. The freak out had to do with seeing a lovely, sweet, delicate, gentle and vulnerable woman talk about her chemo not doing anything. I couldn't even go there mentally right then. I needed to believe it was all going to work. I needed to stay strong throughout the entire treatment.

Now that treatment is behind me, I can go to this support group and have gotten a lot out of it. I'm with other women who have walked my same path and understand what it's like to face death. I actually am able to enjoy being with women who are stage 4, etc. I find them empowering and enlightening and understanding. Today, the third time I went back to the group since I've been going again, I was told that the woman who originally scared me had died November 20th.

I have a PET scan coming up sometime in the next couple of weeks. It definitely brings up that fear of death again. So the hardest part about hearing that that woman died was wondering about her kids. I guess I'm not afraid of death really, it seems like it would be a relief of some kind - like going to sleep. But I don't want to leave my kids. I don't want to leave my parents. I would hate to have to say goodbye to any of my loved ones and friends. I watched "Bucket List" before Thanksgiving and couldn't understand wanting to travel or do the things that were on their lists. My list only includes 2 things:
1. Improving my relationships so that I feel love and give love more.
2. Establishing a "successful" practice and enjoying it to the point of feeling good about myself and what I can offer people.

The things that excite me these days have to do with my writing. My article came out in the Jewish Community News and the Sentinel says it should be printed there this weekend. I've posted it online as well and am so hoping that the Jewish moms who need this article will find it. Just today Aimee told me that in her drama class they will do an Xmas play and they went around the room describing their fondest Xmas memory. Aimee didn't say that she doesn't celebrate it. She told everyone that she has fond memories of going out to eat at a nice restaurant in Palm Desert. So I'm glad she didn't feel left out. My kids are too old now for me to come to their class and make latkes and teach the dreidle game, so that their holiday has some kind of presence at school even if no one acknowledges it.

This Thanksgiving, my friend, Andrea's father was downtown in S. Cruz (I can't call the town "holy") and saw swastika flags hanging from two windows. An article about this was published in the paper today: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/ci_13898408 It makes me glad that my article will be coming out soon and I so appreciate this one editor at the Sentinel seeing it's value.

The rebbe of Chabad found me when I was in high school and somehow knew I was on a mission. And I will continue to promote being Jewish with pride and honor. I feel very lucky to be one of the chosen. And I'm not afraid to claim choseness. It's not easy to be chosen for this mission. There is so much darkness. But spreading the Light is what we are here to do and also finding the Light within the darkness so we can uplift it. I believe this is a choice that all of us have - not only those who were chosen to do the job.

I read somewhere on Chabad.org that the gematria of this year in the Jewish calendar spells out the same number as does the number for the promise to Abraham. The only time in the entire Torah that the word "faratzta" is used. It means to spread out all over the world. So the promise to Abraham was that his descendants would spread out over the entire world. To spread the Light. There is no hope for the darkness because the promise was kept. And perhaps this year we will get to see the outcome of this Light being in all 4 corners of the earth. Those dark flags were there for only one reason, for us to see that there is darkness here and to bring Light.

First Radiation

My first radiation was today and it was scary but I got through it by focusing on the visualization of white light. It was over in about 2 minutes. The fun part was meeting the other women who were also there getting radiation for breast cancer around the same time.

There are so many different types of breast cancer. One woman I talked to had a 2cm tumor, stage 1, a lumpectomy and then was getting radiation to her lymph nodes because they found microscopic cells in there. They also gave her the option of having chemo or not and she opted not to. I didn't see anyone else today who had a mastectomy - just lots of lumpectomies. They might have to get longer radiation than I do. Anyway, it will be fun talking to them all everyday over the next 6 weeks.

It seemed like we were all so hungry to hear someone else's story. Especially if they'd already experienced what we were anticipating having to go through in the future. It felt like we are all so in the dark and so isolated. I guess going to a support group would have helped me with this. But after going to that one at the beginning, I decided I didn't want to hear about someone who had another kind of cancer not getting results from her chemo. It was too upsetting for me.

My sister in care called me a couple nights ago and I got to complain to her about my depression after the surgery. I've been somewhat puzzled by it and not sure how to deal with it. Mostly, I've not been able to understand it and wondering why I couldn't get beyond it like I had been able to before while going through chemo. She said something to me that settled me about it and explained the reason behind it so that I was able to set it aside and feel more upbeat today. She said that when she had gotten to the end of her treatment, she'd been so worn down from the length of the treatment and all the different things she'd had to endure that she just felt weary rather than elated to be at the end.

That made so much sense to me. Look at all I've had to go through since October. And it's not over yet. Six weeks of radiation and then Tamoxifen and how will that effect my body? It will be nearly a year since diagnosis when I finally go on the Tamoxifen. This treatment of mine seems like it will never end. At least I've got the worst part over with.

On the bright side, my ortho arm sleeves are feeling better lately. I'm still wearing them at 9:30pm and don't feel like ripping them off. So I'm definitely healing. The swelling is going down.

And the dancing has been working well so far. I've got 2 hours or so of songs on my dancing playlist and have been enjoying the exercise. I even get to stretch my arms by swinging them from side to side to the beat. You would have enjoyed seeing me hopping and jumping with my inner child to Davy Jones singing, "hold on girl wait a little bit longer, hold on girl be a little bit stronger - hold on girl, help is on it's way..." How appropriate.