Fighting Off a Cold

Wish me luck for fighting off a cold. I've had sneezing and tickling in my nose and low energy and some depression. I slept it off yesterday morning and missed my weekly get together with Bailly. I increased my Marrow Plus and found the symptoms going away. Today I go to Acupuncture to hopefully put this virus behind me. My nose has stopped tickling and my mental state is a bit better though I lost some sleep last night worrying about getting sick and not enjoying my 3rd week of usually feeling better and contemplating the looming surgery.

It was really hard for me to completely stay away from Aimee this time. She had a bad one with fever. It's in my nature to be the healer for this family and especially for my kids and it just kills me to hold myself back so I don't get sick. (I was cocky too since my white count's been normal.) Geoff's great about being the hard-nose to get her to drink fluids. He's good at the hard-edge style of parenting. But I'm the nurturer.

Which reminds me of seeing my clients this weekend. They did like my wig. (But of course, would they tell me if they didn't?) Still, the new client I saw didn't know it was a wig - so that tells you something. Aimee helped me decide which wig was the best for me out of the 4 free ones I've been hoarding. And truthfully, I did think she picked the best one. I felt like Bailly in it. (And that says a lot because she has a really good sheytle - not a free one.)

Anyway, back to the colds. I got a cold prior to my first chemo and so I'm thinking that could be one of the reasons I'm fighting one off now...the surgery looms. Stress from anticipation anxiety gets me many times. I have one more chemo and that only means I'm looking at surgery. And as much as I tell myself that I will lose 6-8 pounds once these are gone, and I will never have to wear bras again, and never have to have rashes during the summertime and am looking forward to getting to eat the hospital food that I couldn't touch last time, it's still my body and it's still surgery.

When in a depressive mood, I do go to thoughts like, the surgery is irreversible and what if they come up with a cure in the near future? Am I making the right decision? Am I going to one day regret not getting reconstruction? Will Geoff be repulsed by me? Will I be repulsed by myself? Are people going to be repulsed if I happen to go without falsies and look completely flat there? Will I handle the pain and the phantom limb feelings? Am I going to be able to handle the drains? Will I be able to do what it takes to get my arm motion and strength back? Will I get lympedema? (Sorry to be so honest about all of this because I know it's not so pleasant to read about this stuff.) And I don't need any advice on it unless you've gone through this yourself and can share your experience with it...after the next chemo (April 1st) I will be meeting with the surgeon to get my questions answered and I know I will eventually find my way through all of this stuff as I have everything else.

G-d sent me a Law and Order that was about breast cancer. I watched it last night. McCoy wanted to nail a healer who was giving women hope that they wouldn't have to have mastectomies. Instead they just died. I realized that was my answer to a prayer about helping me get the right perspective for the surgery.

So I'm looking forward to getting my new guided visualization cd from my acupuncturist today and taking a nap on her acupuncture table and talking to her about our kids Jason and Jake. Belleruth Naparstek also has a cd for surgery (among her many other fabulous cancer support guided visualization cds). They are really wonderful with such positive affirmations on them.

The birds are still singing and I can hear a wood-pecker and it's another beautiful day in Santa Cruz. My mom's coming to visit on Friday all by herself and I'm looking forward to some one on one. It should be good, warm weather for her and I should be feeling healthy and strong and up for all those restaurant meals. I'm also scheduling lots of free massage and did I tell you that they also offer free massage to family members? So I've got to get one for Geoff too.

Chemo Went Smoothly

I didn't have any reaction to chemo today. My oncologist lowered the normal dose by 25%. He says fatigue is the only reaction & possible neuropathy in the fingers and toes. No nausea. My white counts were lower than last week: 3.2 vs 3.9. (4 is normal). My neutraphils went down: 1.8 this week vs 2.9 last week. (2 is within normal range and .9 is good but if they go down to .5, I'm in danger) But my red blood cells and platelets were up, though the RBCs were lower than normal range.

I ran out of one of the immune building Chinese formulas so I was off of it from last week until this week. So I guess now I know that I really need to continue taking that! I took a different formula in the meantime but it probably wasn't covering me fully.

My doctor wants to see how my immune system does on this new chemo and then if I do ok, we'll probably do 3 more sessions every 3 weeks. If I don't do well, he mentioned the possibility of doing "dense dose" which is a lower amount every other week but ends up being a higher dose overall. Just to get this over with and not damage my immune system. I still want to ask him if we can just do the dense dose anyway and get it over sooner! I'll ask tomorrow when I go in for my neulasta shot.

We saw the radiation oncologist today. We liked her very much and she was recommended by all my other doctors. She confirmed my desire to get mastectomies on both sides to lower my chances of recurrence and no reconstruction to lower my chance of not being able to feel a recurrence, plus to lower my need for more surgeries! Survival rates remain the same between lumpectomies and mastectomies. I just don't want to go through this again more than I will mourn the loss of my body parts. But I will have to go through some grieving over the loss for sure.

This Dr. also lowered our expectations for being done with all my treatment by our Hawaii trip, August 5th. She said if there are no complications, then we can make it. If there are complications (example: extra surgery recovery time due to infections, etc., or not being able to get all my chemos on schedule.) Plus she recommended changing Aimee's Bat Mitzvah date from July 26th to sometime in the Fall.

One very positive thing she did say was that after an extensive palpating exam of my breasts, she couldn't feel any tumor! I will bring that up to my oncologist too because maybe I don't have to go through all this chemo?

Anyway, I hope I feel fine next weekend because I want my parents to come visit. They will bring my niece Rachel too (my sister's daughter). Rachel gave me the ok to miss her softball games because, "family's important!"

Here's a quote to end this update,
"Whenever someone has found the courage to live more deeply, more courageously than before, no matter how short a time it may be, they hold open that door for anyone who tries to follow." Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. in her book: My Grandfather's Blessings.

Have a good rest of the week and weekend.

Immune Count is Up & Aromatherapy

Every week I go in to get my blood drawn out of my port by the chemo nurses at my oncologist office - to check my immune system. The port is located under my skin on my chest between my collarbone and my right breast. It feels like a raised disk and I can feel a thin tube running up to my collar bone that I guess connects this with my vein. It's a vulnerable feeling when I go to get this blood draw so I get the shot that numbs the skin before they push in the IV. I tried using a cream to numb the area because the numbing shot stings but then I thought that I could deal better with the sting than with the puncture of the IV. I was wrong. My answer to this dilemma was to ask the chemo nurses to inject the lidocaine at a very slow pace. No sting!!

My dad told me that he always needs more pain medication than normal people do when he's been in the hospital but he's also more sensitive to other kinds of medications and needs to take less of them. I guess I'm like him. Diladed (sp?) was the only thing that helped my pain in the hospital so maybe I'm more sensitive to needles and pain (and chemo) then most.

Anyway, because I have had immune problems, the doc wants to check my counts every week. Every Tuesday I go in for a blood draw. This Tuesday marked 2 weeks post-chemo and my white count was up to 3.9 - remember 4.0 is the lowest end of normal. So my immune system is definitely healing from that first blast that sent me into the hospital. Last chemo I was up to 3.3 the day before getting chemo again. This time I'm already above that one week earlier.

I can't believe how awful I felt after that first chemo and then after getting out of the hospital. I definitely believe now that I dodged a bullet with that experience. But I really didn't know until now that that was not how chemo was supposed to be.

Anyway, I think going to acupuncture regularly and sometimes 2 or 3 times a week has really helped me heal. The Chinese herbs I'm taking have probably helped my immune system more than anything and I regret that I wasn't on them regularly from the beginning. But I just couldn't get them down when I was struggling to just get water and food down.

You can imagine, now knowing me, how many supplements I was primed to take and I had them all laid out for me by the day and time to take them prior to my first chemo. When I got home from the hospital, weeks went by as I looked at those supplements and was too overwhelmed and nauseous and probably depressed and in shock to take anything... Thank goodness a nutritionist told me about Florastor and I was able to build probiotics in my system without having the antibiotics destroy them so the nausea went away.

I'm also now enjoying using aromatherapy as a complimentary medicine. I got some nice blends that my acuptuncturist uses, made by Elizabeth Van Buren: Immune, Digest, Headache, and Calming are all the blends I like. Then another friend who's a cancer survivor told me about making your own blend of all the cancer-fighting essential oils: Frankincense, Lavender, Geranium, Orange, and Lemon. I got myself a dropper bottle and filled it part-way with jojoba oil and then put 20 drops of each of these single essential oils into the dropper bottle. Everyday I use the dropper and drop 2 or 3 drops to rub into the areas of my body where I want to get rid of those cells. Whether it really works or not, I love the smells.

I am very effected by smells. This was difficult when I was nauseous all the time and it was excruciating when I couldn't eat what my family was eating. Recently, my sister-in-law Wendi came for a visit and brought me some freesias - one of my favorite smells. Yesterday Geoff cut one of our roses (we shouldn't even have them yet, but for the weather) and it's sitting on my desk right now. 16 years ago, when I had my own therapy office in Hermosa Beach, I had a diffuser going all the time. I made my own blend for that: 1/8th oz. of tangerine, 20 drops of eucalyptus, 20 drops of cypress and 20 drops of geranium. I got rid of that diffuser when we moved and need to get another one! I love scented candles too. But strong perfumes are sometimes too harsh for me.

Anyway, life goes on and I'm enjoying the change in weather - finally getting some rain - though I don't like the cold. I've been going through receipts and tallying them for taxes tomorrow (we're meeting with the accountant). This was something that I was dreading having to do months ago when I felt so sick. Instead I felt great this week. I was even happy to see I actually made a little money last quarter of last year! Next week on Wednesday is the new/old T chemo which is a 4 hour drip. I'll check back in again before that.

Risk Factors for Breast Cancer

Just had chemo today and Geoff and I brought my oncologist our worries about chemo being so easy last time and is it really doing what it's supposed to do? The doc showed me my blood counts from the first time I did chemo with him without the 10% reduction and reassured me that I had literally no immune system after that. When he reduced it by 10%, my immune system was still low. He also checked me and told me he notices a difference and said I should check in with the surgeon next week - just to touch base and see if he wants to do surgery before I continue on with the next 3 or 4 rounds of chemo. (That appointment's on Monday morning.) He also reassured us that chemo is supposed to be this way - easy. Geoff joked about how we were expecting chemo to be horrendous and were disappointed when it didn't meet our expectations!

Over the last couple of days I communicated with 2 people who needed to hear my story. It's a story I've been reluctant to go into just because I feel so guilty about not catching this sooner had I gotten a mammogram or thermogram earlier. (I'm still in the "if only's.) But it's something I need to eventually write about here because I know it will help so many people. I hate to say this but if/when I do die from this, G-d forbid, I want this carepages to be a source of healing - something good that came out of this disease.

For today though, I'll just give you the Risk Factors for Breast Cancer and tell you where I fall in those factors. I got this list from the book put out by Johns Hopkins and given to me by my mother-in-law's dear friend, Jo Ann. It's called, "Choices in Breast Cancer Treatment - Medical Specialists and Cancer Survivors Tell You What You Need to Know," edited by Kenneth D. Miller, M.D.

The Risk Factors:
*Age over 30 (I'm 49)
*No children or first child after age 30 (I had my first at age 35)
*Benign breast disease - fibrocystic disease (I've had this since I was in high school and it went away for about 7 years with a supplement I was taking and came back when I stopped the supplement - so that's probably one reason why I ignored it for too long - along with denial and fear.)
*Obesity/high fat diet (I've been overweight, I don't know if I'd be considered obese but maybe. For sure my fav foods are pasta or bread & butter and cheese. Especially since I can't do sugar at all or I catch a cold.)
*Family history of cancer, especially a mother or sister with breast cancer. (My mother had uterine cancer and DCIS which is a form of pre-cancer that was caught early with a mammogram. I've had skin cancer - basal cell. My aunt on mom's mother's side, my grandma's sister, died of colon cancer.)
*Early onset of menses. (I had a normal onset of menses but not menopause. I started skipping periods on the earliest side of "normal" - around age 45/46 which is why I thought stopping that supplement may be a good idea - of course, now, I think I was wrong to stop it, but who knows - according to the rabbi, this was all meant to be and for a good reason that we may not know right away.)

The last and in addition to early onset of menses, the only risk factor that I would probably not be considered to have is lower socioeconomic status.

There's another risk factor that wasn't mentioned in this book, but when I went to see every oncologist, they asked me this: Is your ancestry Askenazi Jew? It is. But I got tested for the BRC gene and don't have it but you don't have to be Jewish to have the gene.

So, not to make this soooooo long you don't want to read it but here are some other risk factors that were not listed in this book but are out there in the new age, psychology and alternative medicine field. These risk factors are not totally researched or validated but I did read a book that did show some studies validating some of it (Imagery In Healing - Shamanism and Modern Medicine by Jeanne Achterberg) - a book that my dear friend Liz loaned me that she got from her friend who died of this disease perhaps due to not following all of the traditional medical model's instructions because she was so into the alternatives). The list I've compiled below has caused me lots of guilt and pain and one of them contributed to the choices I made as far as not getting myself checked:
*unresolved anger
*unsupportive spouse - or believing that the spouse is unsupportive
*negative thoughts
*radiation from mammograms
*being wimpy and not standing up for yourself in life and not taking care of yourself

I'm still emailing the rabbi back and forth and asking more questions. So I will let you eventually read my entire story of what transpired between the time I stopped the supplement and started feeling a lump and the time I finally got diagnosed - at such a late stage when they just rarely see that anymore now that so many women are getting their regular mammograms.

On to another easy week of chemo where if it goes the same as last time, I'll start to feel body pain on Thursday night and then want to be in bed just sleeping and watching TV until Monday and maybe have one day of nausea where I actually need to take something for it. Easy. Hope you all have a great week.

Is Chemo This Easy?

Wow...this chemo has been so easy. Yes, I had a few days of body pain and not wanting to get out of bed. But I could get out of bed and I was able to make all my own meals - except for one dinner where I had Geoff bake me a sweet potato and I mashed some tofu in it. I had a bit of nausea but mostly just not feeling like eating. I still don't want to eat but I am able to. Forcing water and food isn't anywhere near as bad as I have had to force before.

So I took a shower today and will take Aimee to school tomorrow morning and drop her off (because Geoff has to go early to PCS with Jason). I still don't want to go out and get around lots of people just because I'm worried about my immune system and feel kind of low energy. Tuesday I will go in to get my blood checked and that will be the test for whether this amount of chemo is right for me.

I've also been taking some immune building & colitis resolving Chinese herbs. This was the first chemo I've done where I could actually take the herbs regularly without them interfering with food and water intake. So maybe that's also what is helping me feel so good this time or just being off those antibiotics. Or maybe I've just been through such hell that I really don't know what chemo is supposed to be like normally and what I've gone through before makes what I went through this time seem like such a piece of cake.

If this is what it's supposed to be like, then it's incredibly doable.

And I do still feel a difference in the lump so I guess all along I've just needed less than the normal person. I kinda knew that before the very first chemo I got but didn't have the strength of conviction to demand it. Everything was all so scary and overwhelming for me in the beginning.

Now I'm a seasoned pro.

Angeles, Aimee and Me

While I was sitting getting my chemo drip today, I read that book I told you about, "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, which is a really great book to get for anyone going through anything similar to me. But the interesting and coincidental thing that happened was that when I opened the book while getting my drip, there on the very first page of the chapter I was on, in the second paragraph, was a reference to a book that my Tarot teacher wrote! Angeles Arrien wrote a book called, "The Four Fold Way" which inspired Remen to help someone she was working with and ended up as a chapter in Remen's book.

I haven't read Arrien's book myself but what Remen was referencing was an assignment that Angeles recommends which Remen then gave to this one client she wrote about who happened to be a chemo surgeon who was sick of his job. The assignment was to take 15 minutes at the end of each day and write down 3 things: What surprised me today. What moved or touched me today. And what inspired me today. These 3 things became the healing that helped this surgeon become happier in his job once he got more interested in and focused on the inspiring stories in the lives of his patients.

As I thought about what surprised me so far that morning, I was thinking about what my chemo nurse said when Geoff asked her what was the highlight of her holidays. She told us about something that her son said that was cute. It surprised me. I don't know what I thought she was going to say, but it made me think about how precious our children are. I remembered telling a couple I was working with once (who didn't have kids...yet) that having children was the best thing I've done in my life.

I also thought about how, now that my kids are older, I don't ever write down the cute things they say like I used to when they were younger. So I said this to the nurse and Geoff mentioned Aimee saying something recently that was cute. She had told me the same thing before but today it didn't go in one ear and out the other, instead I asked her about it.
And it will be permanently recorded right now - here!

Aimee is 11 years old and her Bat Mitzvah, G-d willing, will be this July 26th - which will be the perfect way to celebrate once I'm done with chemo. (Another thing that this book recommends is to start focusing and imagining happy occasions that you will enjoy in your life in the future.) So anyway, Aimee said that she wants a tiny replica of herself to play with. A younger version of her - like 3 years old. Why? Because she'd have so much fun seeing how she was when she was little and she'd feel really comfortable playing with herself because she'd know this little 3 year old very well.

Cute, huh?

Then she told me another thing today that was cute: She wants her school to give each student a puppy to teach them responsibility. I told her that her puppy is homework right now and she's really doing well with the responsibility for that. She told me, "yeah, but a puppy is fun."

(Duhhhh, Mom...just listen, don't comment!)

I have been making a point of walking with Aimee around the block after she comes home from school - when I am up to it. It's been a really nice way to connect and spend time together. She likes to tell me her problems and since my diagnosis, I am better able to let her have problems and not as worried about them like I used to be. My focus has been to just listen and ask her questions about how she's trying to work the problems out and not jump to offering my advice - which always just frustrated me in the past because none of the things I would come up with worked for her anyway. It's been so much better to be separate from her problems, it's like, I've hit a real problem in my life and her problems aren't as scary to me anymore.

So I need to find a way to spend time with Jason too. He's tougher because he often doesn't get home from school and basketball practice until 7pm. We like to watch movies together and sit in bed and read. He doesn't open up to me like Aimee does so more time together is important I think. Maybe he'd like to cook with me...Now that I am focused on it, I know a solution will come and I'm sure some of you will offer your experiences with this kind of thing.

Anyway, I had a nice chemo, I guess. We'll see how the days transpire. They cut the chemo drugs down by 10% and they'll cut them down 20% next time if I go into neutrapenia this time. Still he told me that .9 for white cells isn't bad. The real danger is when it goes down to .5...So I began to wonder what it went down to the first time...

If I don't do well this time and next time, he will send me to the surgeon to see if he can do the surgery before we continue with the last 3 or 4 rounds of the T. That way, my bone marrow has a chance to recover for a month and is still strong enough for surgery. The chemo would then start again a month after surgery. So, whatever happens, happens. I'm just happy with how things went last time and look forward to an even better experience this time.

So that's the update today. Hope you enjoyed the musing about kids.

Chemo Tomorrow Morning

So I'm feeling really good today. I guess I finally had the chance to experience what normally happens by the 3rd week after chemo. I've had about a week of feeling like myself...in the beginning of the week I was a bit tired but by the end of this week, I'm running around doing errands. (Wow, New Leaf downtown now has a hot food aisle and I got to purchase some of the kind of food I'm eating now, hot and ready to eat! Quinoa, black beans, sautéed kale with garlic, chunks of marinated tofu. Yum!) I also saw clients on Sunday and it felt so good to spend some time out of the house.

I'm finally off of the antibiotics. Now I'm just pumping the probiotics, digestive enzymes and getting acupuncture and Chinese herbs for my immune system and for colitis.

I found a bunch of recipes I forgot I had from days gone by from one of the many times I've been on a wheat free, dairy free, egg free diet. For example, there's this yummy, creamy sauce I used to make out of tofu that they served at a Vegetarian restaurant down in Hermosa Beach. I can't remember the name...Miriam? What's the name of that restaurant again? That was a great restaurant.

I'm a bit nervous about having to go through chemo again starting tomorrow (9:30am) but if I get that week of feeling good again like last time, I know I can handle it. Having a chemo like I did last time, even though I went into neutrapenia, gave me hope and the feeling like I can do this. So 2 more rounds of the A & C and then 3 or 4 rounds of the T. Piece of cake! (oh sure.)

So I just wanted to give you all an update and I may be in hibernation for the next few days and over the weekend. But if I can come up for air, I'll post a few lines here to let you know how I'm doing. I might even be high again tomorrow when I get home (like last time) and then maybe you'll get a screen-full.

My Daily Doses

I subscribe to a daily inspirational email that Chabad.org offers. The following came to my inbox a couple of days ago:

Daily Dose

Tevet 4, 5769 · December 31, 2008

Release
By Tzvi Freeman

Beginnings are hard. For good reason. If they were easy, we would prowl into each new venture like a snug fat cat.

When you begin pent up in an iron cage, a tiger comes out. A tiger that breaks through the door of its cage and pounces with a vengeance.

Bless those cages, those impossible brick walls, those rivers of fire that lie at the outset of each worthwhile journey. Without them we would be only as powerful as we appear.
------------

So of course I thought of my beginning with this chemo journey...and how it has made me even more powerful than I thought I could be. The river of fire I had to walk through was that first round of chemo and the hospital visit and then the 2nd round's neutrapenia. The continual diet challenges were strengthening too and have forced me to figure out a diet I've never been on before.

With my migraine challenges over the past 18 years, I've tried lots of diets that eliminated lots of things. But never have I eliminated meat, fish and chicken. But since the hospital, my colon does best with beans and rice and tofu. So I figured that out. No dairy, eggs, raw veggies, sugar, wheat...

Last night's brown rice, lentils, zucchini and carrots with a tiny bit of curry powder left my colon silent. My regular condiments are bragg and tamari. I found a tofu made of sprouted soy beans. My snacks are edamame and rice cakes. My treat is rice macaroni, tofu and zucchini with butter and a bit of salt. My other treats are papaya and pears. I've got a rice and millet cereal I eat with a bit of banana and unsweetened vanilla soymilk. I've smashed up white beans and added tamari and bragg and sometimes defrosted frozen spinach or artichoke and used that as a dip with rice crackers.

When I was 30 and working for a psychiatrist who specialized in eating disorders, I got my first migraine on the 405 driving from home in Hermosa Beach to the hospital where I led a group on the eating disorders unit. That was the beginning of my decision to open up my own office closer to home in the hopes that one day I'd have children and not have to commute. Unfortunately, not having a commute didn't stop the migraines.

Why am I writing about this? Because I've been on so many healing journeys before this one due to the migraines. My dad has them and so does my sister. At first I used caffergot which stopped them but made me depressed. Then when I had a miscarriage before my first child was born, I went into a big depression and resorted to Zoloft which I discovered actually took a migraine away! But I wanted to get pregnant again and heaven forbid taking any toxic chemicals while pregnant or breastfeeding.

So that led me to a strict natural search for migraine elimination. I tried many diets through the years, lots of chiropractors, acupuncturists, homeopaths, supplements, meditation, prayer, psychotherapy. They all helped a little bit, but left me mostly suffering. I would get them on a weekly basis if not more often and would suffer using "natural" means and get in bed sometimes for a day or three.

It's kind of tragic that much later when I began researching post partum depression, I discovered that zoloft was totally compatible with breast-feeding and prozac has been ok during pregnancy. That's not to say that I would have risked it, knowing where my mind was at at the time, (and they hadn't validated it's safety back then) but it was sort of meaningful to me when I discovered this remembering that zoloft helped my migraines. Especially since I was adamantly and righteously against anything toxic and chemical for so long and allowed myself to suffer needlessly (along with my family). Luckily about 5 years ago I finally got myself some Immitrex and about 2 years ago I finally started trying out different SSRI's for help with migraine prevention. Celexa has been working well and also helps me with sleep.

So here I am today, a reformed Holistic Nazi, taking daily meds and allowing the most toxic of all chemicals to be inserted through my port (which I think leads to a vein going directly to my heart-yikes!) and have had to endure so much radiation to let the docs diagnose me. I have to continually remind myself that as my good friend who's a cancer survivor told me over and over: chemo is my friend. It may be that when I stopped taking my (favorite natural supplements) Ambrotose and Plus a few years ago that these bad cells did proliferate. But I also continually remind myself that my answer right now is in complementary medicine and not in alternatives.

So please don't offer me any alternatives. I've been down the alternative road so many times before with my migraines that I know that it is a road of suffering for me. I am happily now combining the two: natural and toxic to good result and am happy I went through the hell I did in the beginning of both of my major healing journeys in this lifetime because it has helped me to know that the balance between natural and toxic is where I need to be. I can't let go of either. I need both of my daily doses right now.

Immune System Recovering

I got a blood test today to check on my neutrapenia. Here are my results for the important counts by date - before chemo, a week after, and today:

White Blood Cell(K/uL)
Standard Range 4.0-11.0 K/uL
12/16-before 6.5
12/23-after 0.9
12/29-today 2.4

PLATELET (K/uL)
Standard Range 150-400 K/uL
12/16-before: 266
12/23-after 102
12/29-today 181

NEUTROPHIL ABS (K/uL)
Standard Range 2.0-8.0 K/uL
12/16-before 4.1
12/23-after 0.5
12/29-today 0.9

So according to my oncologist, I'm out of the danger zone and he expects my counts to be normal by my next chemo date next week (Wednesday). I will get a blood test the day before the next chemo as well. But even though they're still low, my doc says, "If you have any New Year's plans, don't stop yourself..." (Oh sure.)

My tummy's still telling me my immune system is low, so I'm still on the antibiotics. Luckily the dietitian I went to see told me about these probiotics that don't get wiped out by the antibiotics. They are called, "Florastor" and can be found over the counter at the SC Medical pharmacies. I know that they work because I've stopped being nauseous from the antibiotics.

Any other probiotics I tried from the health food stores would work for me only sporadically since I am taking these antibiotics throughout the day. So let's hope that in the next week or so before I get chemo-d again, my tummy finally heals.

I want to write about my diet sometime later when I feel the energy for it. I have a very limited diet right now but am figuring out slowly what I can and can't eat and maybe one of these days I'll be able to hand off some recipes to all those of you who've been dying to cook for me. As it is, I can only figure out easy to make dishes anyway so I can make them myself. Plus, I am so finicky that I can't really plan anything ahead of time and have to wait for the hour before I'm ready to eat. If I don't, I usually end up chucking whatever I've made. I read a cancer recovery cookbook that reassures the support people that this is a normal thing and that they shouldn't be offended!

It's Finally Sunny!

It's a sunny day and I'm feeling better. I haven't gotten a blood test to check, but feel my counts are going up. It's so nice to finally get to open windows and sit out in the sunshine and breathe in fresh air. It's been raining here in Santa Cruz since the day I got chemo - 10 days ago.

I went through some depression around being ill and feeling sorry for myself that I can't go out to eat with my family. (Not to mention all the months I have to go through this, the surgery I'll have to endure and the interruption in my practice that I had just gotten started building only two months before being diagnosed - after a 10 year hiatus to raise children.) Plus, it wasn't easy knowing I was nutrapenic because that scared me silly. I did lots of praying and some crying and felt so lucky when Bailly came over yesterday and prayed for me again.

She retaught me this technique where you go to the book of Tehillim (psalms) and in #119, there are paragraphs where every line starts with a word that starts with a letter from the Hebrew alphabet. So it goes from aleph to taph in order. And what you do is read only the paragraphs that spell out your Hebrew name. So for example, you read the paragraph first where every line starts with the first letter of your Hebrew name and next go to the paragraph that starts with the second letter of your Hebrew name, and so on.

Then, depending on the problem you are praying about, you spell out a couple of more words after your name. For example, she suggested for my illness, to read the paragraphs that spell out the word, "kara satan" which in Hebrew means, "tear/rend satan". (Satan in Judaism is different from Christianity...but I can't give you a good explanation at the moment.) If I'm having problems with my husband, she suggests spelling out the word, "shalom bayit" which means "peaceful home". You can also spell out other people's Hebrew names, using ben (for male) or bat as necessary.

Bailly told me that this technique of reading psalms, not just number 119, helps to effect the "gezera" (decree) in heaven. She even has a tiny book she keeps in her purse and reads whenever she's got a moment - like waiting in line at Safeway! She watched her mother doing this all the time as she was growing up. Here's another interesting thing you can do if you want to: you can also read the psalm that's number corresponds to the year older than the age of your children - which is supposed to strengthen them and give them a blessing.

Anyway, I can read Hebrew but don't always understand what it means. So I have a Tehillim that has the translation of each word directly under the Hebrew word. It was very interesting to read it in Hebrew but understand what I was reading. After I was done, I felt I had pleaded my case quite nicely. I kept remembering what the rabbi once told me about why all those prayers were composed for us: when you stand before G-d, it's nice to have the perfect words to say! After I was finished I definitely felt better about myself and more sure of deserving G-d's blessing.

So either that praying I did or the sun today or the difference I feel in the lump (yay! I love chemo, even though I hate chemo) has uplifted my spirits. Maybe I'll even get to see some clients this Sunday and next week before then next round!

Nutrapenic

My doc just called with my blood test results and I am nutrapenic again. So for the next few days I've got to lay low and be careful not to be around any germs. He says my counts will go back up on their own after a few days but next time, he'll change the chemo to account for my sensitivity. So until next time, think of me with lots of strong white cells circulating around my blood stream.

Thanks, I am a bit nervous.

Tests and More Tests

I really haven't been able to eat right since the chemo a month ago. I thought that was just normal for someone going thru chemo. Then I ended up in the hospital with something seriously wrong. Then I got out with antibiotics that everyone was telling me was causing my problems eating. Then I finally got off the antibiotics and nothing changed - except for being a bit less nauseous. That's when I got the new oncologist who was able to really hear what I was saying.

Yesterday the gastroenterologist told me that she thinks my colitis was caused by having nutrapenia (depressed immune system) and then eating something that had bacteria in it. She's had several patients in the hospital over the past month with the same type of colitis that I had in my CT scans. They didn't have chemo - they were immuno-suppressed from asthma medication or other things.

She convinced me to go through an endoscopy where they take a camera and go down my throat into my stomach to rule out any ulcers. If there's an ulcer and that's the only problem, then it's easy to solve. She wanted to do a colonoscopy to take a biopsy (which would let her know exactly what blew out my system) but I'm not healthy enough for that so she convinced me to get yet another CT scan. She needs to see if my colon has gotten better since I was in the hospital. If it hasn't, I need to get back on those horrible antibiotics (which I was on for 2 weeks but she normally recommends someone like me to be on them for 4 - 6 weeks). If my colon is better but just not completely healed, then I may not have to go back on the antibiotics. Then she'll just treat my symptoms until I completely heal.

In any case, I can't move forward with my treatment to eradicate these bad cells if I've still got colitis going on. I can't have chemo and I can't do surgery. So that really scares me. Whatever progress I've made in that area may be lost. Still, I just want to feel better and be able to eat normally again with no pain, so whatever she tells me to do, I'll do. Tomorrow. Thursday I'm going back to Dominican for more tests.

Chemo Fears

Will it kill me or just the bad cells?

That's the question I want answered this week. I won't move forward with any oncologist without having some sense of security around that issue. How are you going to protect me from going into neutrapenia again? Have you ever worked with a case like mine? If not, how will you know what to do?

I wasn't able to fully feel confident in my old oncologist when I met with her yesterday and so I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow for a meeting with a new oncologist.

I am really hoping that he can set my mind at ease because I am still battling the repercussions of the last chemo and don't feel physically ready for another round. I am now a week behind on the standard schedule. So I'm feeling between a rock and a hard place - either I wait too long and die from those bad cells or I move forward too quickly and die from the chemo.

Sorry for being so morbid but this week really comes down to that in my mind.

Tomorrow's new oncologist comes recommended by both my good friend Elise who's an MD who sends all her patients to him and would send her family members to him and by my good friend & acupuncturist, Emmy Cushnir. So I'm hopeful that I will finally feel like I can work with someone I can trust. Wish me luck - the appointment's at 3:40pm tomorrow.

And I just don't have the energy to search more than that or to call specialists from all over the country. Maybe I'm crazy not to do more searching but this is all I am capable of right now. Either this new oncologist will be the right one for me or I don't know what I'm going to do.