Friday, October 30, 2009

Had to Cry Today

I had a good cry. Sobbing. It felt good. It was another layer of grieving the loss of my breasts.

It started with a dream I had where a man, a lover, was touching my scars with gentleness and fondness for me. I became aware again of what I'm missing and how this whole horrible surgery thing really effected me on a deep level. Not only did I lose body parts that meant a lot to me as a nurturer and as a mother but I lost parts that made me feel attractive, sexy, intriguing and alluring. Not to mention the hair loss which also factors in.

Really I've been "powering through" since the surgery and trying to maintain my composure and trying to accept myself as I am. So it felt nice to be able to instead, let down and cry about it all again. Crying brings me more into reality than just pushing myself forward and trying to keep myself focused on the positive.

When I decided to get my breasts removed, it was a decision based on fear. I didn't want those time bombs on my chest. It was also something that my doctors encouraged - especially for the left side. But I couldn't imagine being one-breasted and then worrying about the time-bomb factor with the other side since there had already been a nodule there. What I did was tell myself, well, you won't have breasts anymore but you also won't ever have those sores underneath them after a hot day and you will be able to go bra-less. It will be freeing.

But it's not freeing when you have to wear falsies and put them into a bra or camisole every morning and take them out again and place them into their boxes to sleep at night. They have their own little cradles to keep them in shape. When it's hot outside or I'm just wanting to feel free - like I thought I'd be able to do after the surgery - I can't because then I feel ugly.

When I'm not wearing the falsies, I look in the mirror and hate what I see. My chest looks concave and my belly is round. I don't feel attractive at all. So I feel bound to having wear the falsies to feel good about myself.

This week I listened to a podcast about our relationship with money by Morgana Rae where she talked about your "money monster". Her point is that if you want to heal your relationship with money, you need to look at money as a person you are in a relationship with. My money monster doesn't think anything I do is good enough to get paid for. It's never satisfied with me and is withholding. It also believes that I have to work really hard at something I don't like doing in order to get what I want. It's a man who's old and balding and really skinny with a pointed nose and a pinched face. He's always critical of me - I never do enough or anything well enough.

Morgana says you need to divorce your money monster and get rid of him. Then you need to create your "money honey".

Well, I had great fun with that. My money honey is younger than me, looks really yummy and thinks I'm just the most beautiful, alluring and sexy woman in the entire universe. My money honey thinks I'm hot. My money honey even likes my scars. They're a turn on for him!

I was shocked! How could you like that? But as the dialog continued, I realized where I am headed in the direction of self-love. The appreciation I need to have for myself goes way deeper than my appearance and my looks. My money honey loves those scars, they remind him of the depth of who I am and the beauty of what I've gone through.

I'm still playing around with this and find it entirely enjoyable. He's with me a lot and I ask him for his opinion about choices I'm making. And he's so great, I'll do anything to keep him happy. But it's confusing to me when he says he just wants me to be happy, but he was happy when I was sobbing today. So I'm still in dialog and trying to understand it.

The happier I am, the more I shine with the depth of who I am. But if I'm sad or mad or otherwise upset, he loves me just the same - as long as I stay on my own side. He's with me when I can love myself no matter what I do or how I feel. He's unconditional.

One thing I'm doing better these days is speaking my mind with people I interact with. I'm doing better at standing up for myself and even knowing that I need to, whereas before, I was unaware that I even needed to. Normally I just clammed up and resented the person who hurt me rather than stand up for myself and ask for what I want.

Geoff and I went out for a delicious lunch today at Hawg's for our 21st anniversary. I loved the food and the conversation was really important. I enjoyed every bit of the conversation even though all we talked about was this past year and how it's effected us.

On to better and better years together. May this past year only bring us closer together.

My deck should be enclosed by next week and I can't wait to share photos.