My Jewish Anniversary

It was 3 years ago today, one day before the start of Yom Kippur, that I heard the unbelievable news I had breast cancer. I remember crying off and on that entire day. By the next day, Erev Yom Kippur - Kol Nidrei, I was calmed down and not crying....until I saw my friends at services.

I'm always amazed by what happens in my life coinciding with the Jewish holidays. They seem to be like guide-points informing the course of my daily challenges, learning and growth. And this 10 days of Tshuva has been as Awakening as the one 3 years ago, though in a different way.

"Mindfulness" is all the rage right now in psychotherapy. Mindfulness, in it's simplest explanation, is observing what is going on around you and inside of you with no judgement - only curiosity and radical acceptance.

So I've been thinking about mindfulness as it addresses the challenges that I've been going through lately. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the story I tell myself about anything is usually more critical and hopeless/helpless than things really are. Truly whenever I get challenged and I go into that negative state, it always passes and something wonderful comes out of the challenge.

I see mindfulness as a way of observing the negative thoughts/feelings without creating more negative story. It's looking at your story with compassion and curiosity, "hmmm, this is stressful, what's that about? What am I thinking/feeling? Hmmm, that's interesting...What do I need? What can I do about it?" Mindfulness to me is gaining some distance from thoughts and feelings - a realization that they are separate from the You who never changes and is always there observing without judgement. That Observing You is eternal, compassionate and wise.

So why go into the negativity in the first place?

Well, we have to go into negativity and challenge in order to come out the other side. Challenge gives us the information we need to grow. I'm always looking for the hidden lessons in my experiences. I think that's what the Kabbalists mean when they speak about the world being created by a shattering of the vessels and that our job is searching for the sparks of light within the broken shards.

Yom Kippur takes brokenness and says there's always a repair. Did you know that it is the anniversary of the breaking of the first set of tablets that Moses came down to give the Jewish people when they built the golden calf? It's the 2nd set of tablets, after the broken ones, that are eternal. We can't repair unless we first break down. So Yom Kippur comes as a reminder that there is always hope for repair and return. When the vessel of our personality becomes too inflexible, we experience the challenge to open up and become more than what we thought we could be.

The world we are building is so much more than we can ever fathom! That is the promise to the Jewish people from G-d.

There is a beautiful prayer on Rosh Hashana that says "On Rosh Hashanah all of mankind pass before Him like sheep -they pass by Him one by one, one after the other, yet He scrutinizes them all with a single glance."
That prayer was written by a righteous Jewish rabbi who was constantly challenged by his Roman ruler to convert to Christianity. The one time he didn't come when the Roman called him, his punishment was cutting off his arms and legs. After that, he was still living and had someone record this prayer before he passed away.

There are many prayers we read on Yom Kippur about the martyrs of our holy sages and the ways they were tortured and killed - it's revolting! And yet, "R. Cruspedai said in the name of R. Yochanan: Three ledgers are opened on Rosh Hashanah: one for those who are entirely wicked, one for those who are entirely righteous, and one for those who are in the middle. The entirely righteous are immediately inscribed and sealed to live. The entirely wicked are immediately inscribed and sealed to die. The fate of those in the middle is held in balance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur." It doesn't make sense that our sacred, righteous and holy people were murdered and tortured! http://www.chabadbythesea.com/holidays/JewishNewYear/template_cdo/aid/4399/jewish/Day-of-Judgment.htm

So why do we read that the righteous die when they are supposed to live? I believe it is because "death" and "life" are not defined literally. A totally righteous rabbi can be tortured and die but his prayer can live on. There is no control over life and death in this world because there is free choice and the monsters and the polluters who cause cancers and the people in power who care only about money above humanity, have their free choice. When we are co-creators with G-d, what we create is eternal and will be part of the ultimate creation of the world to come.

The creations of the monsters will die along with them - they are only golden calves. But the righteous and "g-dly" LIVE. The challenges we have are passing and temporary. Look for what is eternal. So, between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, as I know I'm not entirely righteous or wicked but instead am a "benyoni", I am continually working on expanding the vessel so it can hold more light. And my work is in the vessel that holds myself, my career, my friends and my own family. I'm continually trying to find the light in my own tiny corner of this crazy world.

My you all find the light in your own tiny corners this year!

What I Learned from Breast Cancer

What I've Learned From Cancer

Posted Jun 3, 2010 1:46pm

Leaving Ecstasy
By Tzvi Freeman

A favorite story of the Rebbe, central to his activist view of life:

Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, the first rebbe of the Lubavitch dynasty, led the services for Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. He stood wrapped in his prayer shawl, profoundly entranced in the cleaving of the soul to its source.

Every word of prayer he uttered was fire. His melody and fervor carried the entire community to the highest and deepest journey of the spirit.

And then he stopped. He turned, cast off his prayer shawl and left the synagogue. With a bewildered congregation chasing behind, he walked briskly to the outskirts of town, to a small dark house from where was heard the cry of a newborn infant. The rabbi entered the house, chopped some wood and lit a fire in the oven, boiled some soup and cared for the mother and child that lay helpless in bed.

Then he returned to the synagogue and to the ecstasy of his prayer.

The Rebbe added:
Note that the rabbi removed his prayer shawl. To help someone, you must leave your world, no matter how serene, to enter the place where that person lives.

By Tzvi Freeman
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, go here: http://www.judaism.com/display.asp?cdo=01.chabad-centers.org&type=quicksearch&etn=CAIJJ&ds=1. Rabbi Freeman is available for public speaking and workshops. Read more on his bio page http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/3009/jewish/Freeman-Tzvi.htm.
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Tzvi Freeman is one of those Yiddishe Kops that grew up in American culture and yet didn't go on to elucidate Buddhism, like so many other Yiddishe Kops (Stephen Levine, ad infinitum). I love him. And it's now ok for me to say that I mourn for our losses in America to Buddhism. It's ok for me to be proud of my heritage and even say out loud, "I think Judaism is the best religion!"

I could never have said that out loud before learning from Chabad. Jews post-Holocaust are afraid to claim chosenness or to show pride - makes us too visible. But I've learned that my heritage has sooooo much to be proud of. And it's totally fine to have a preference in religion! I prefer to learn about Judaism through Chabad, for example. I think it's the best and that's why I do it. Everyone has their own path that they consider "best", otherwise, why would they follow it?????? It's only the politically correct who have a problem with the notion of saying theirs is best...and Jews who have learned anti-Semitism from the culture think that claiming choseness is just embarrassing - but if they ever learned what being chosen really means, there's no question they'd believe in it...

Anyway, this morning I was thinking about how much I learned from my cancer and then read Tzvi's Daily Dose and it struck a cord on that theme.
It's important to make a fire with your prayers but when there's a mitzvah to do, you can/should also make a fire with your own hands - even on the Shabbos of all Shabboses, Yom Kippur, you can/should "work": build a fire, cut and carry wood, (if you don't know: those things are always forbidden on a day of rest).

There is fire in a mitzvah - even when it's not one of the mitzvot that obviously connect us to G-d through prayer or ritual or worship. Doing something loving for someone else is a way of connecting G-d to earth, just as powerful (and as full of fire) as praying on the holiest of all days. Even though Tzvi titled his Daily Dose, "Leaving Ecstasy", I find that doing a loving act for someone else brings with it that same ecstasy. And like the rebbe added, you take off your tallis (prayer shawl) to go into the trenches but I want to also add that when you go into the trenches, you transform everyone there into a holy tallit!!!

That's the main thing I've learned from this: love shared with family members, relatives, friends, co-workers, etc., is the best and most important/rewarding thing in life. Everything else pales in comparison. But especially doing loving acts with family is the highest of all ecstasies. The connections I've made with Aimee, Jason & Geoff in the past year have been the most "firey" and Divine.

Here are some other things that I have learned:
* frozen blueberries, soy milk, home-made granola, whey protein powder and ground flax seeds, make a delicious, healthy breakfast.
* cinnamon, cardamom, clove, coriander, nutmeg, turmeric, rosemary and other spices have anti-cancer properties and regulate the NF-kb (?) the master switch that controls turning on or off cancer (I think??? Anyway, I know it's an important thing but really don't know a lot about it).
* spices taste delicious with every meal.
* curry is delicious too and is something that has lots of turmeric in it.
* cabbage & lentils can be made into tons of different kinds of salads that can be eaten throughout the week.
* soy milk is fine, as long as I get the whole kind found on the refrigerator shelf.
* green tea comes in chai flavors, so I get a 2 for one punch.
* broccoli and tomatoes work together when cooked and pack a better punch than either alone and they taste great with garlic and thyme and a bit of Parmesan cheese.
* 3 brazil nuts a day can substitute for a cookie and give you your daily dose of selenium.
* organic apples can substitute for a cookie and are great with cinnamon on them which adds more cancer fighting in my sweet snack.
* even rainy days on your birthday are beautiful.
* when you're really wiped out, just sitting in bed watching one TV show can restore you.
* taking medicine when you're suffering is actually a good thing to do for your self-care.
* you don't need to suffer.
* you can enjoy wearing falsies if you don't want to be reminded of your cancer every time you look in the mirror - and getting a comfortable bra is possible.
* you don't need to work harder than you can handle emotionally.
* it's more important to not be tired from work than to make extra money because when you are not too emotionally exhausted, you can better deal with family work and stay close to family members.
* I can plan to go on a trip with just Jason and Aimee, leaving Geoff at home...he'll be ok taking care of his parents and Summer. I have the power to make fun plans for myself.
* I don't need to blame Geoff for all my problems or for giving me cancer and I don't have to blame myself either.
* I'm sure there are more things I've learned but that's all off the top of my head for now...

Blood test results coming soon - and we're saving $3K because I finally got my oncologist to say that there's probably a 1% chance we'd find anything in a scan right now. Phew! Putting that off for another 6 months is a relief in more ways than one.

Hope you are all doing well and enjoying the Spring!
BTW, I now have very curly hair!

Shlumpy to Gorgeous

"There Is World

By Tzvi Freeman

here are three things to always remember:

The One Above, yourself below, and the world in between.

Abandon any one of those and you will stumble and fall.

Even those who grasp for G–d alone, they do not build, but desolate.

To reach G–d, you must deal with the reality of your world and redeem it.

—from a talk, spring of '91 (Iyar 5751)"

By Tzvi Freeman
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe , of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman . To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here. Rabbi Freeman is available for public speaking and workshops. Read more on his bio page.

I've been enjoying working on my world lately. I get so much more of a reward out of the good work I do with my family if I compare it to the work I do with my paying job. And I've been remembering how good I really am at my non-paying job as wife and mother, daughter, sister and friend, though, of course, I can always do better.

Walking with Geoff in the morning is key. Otherwise, we just don't make the time to talk. Maybe one day I'll even get him to walk in the trees with me instead of always being on West Cliff. My new name for him is "savant" because of his incredibly quick mind.

Making more time for my kids and focusing on what needs to be done better in that department really feels good. Especially since I was so absent last year and they had to go through fears of losing me, it's important for me to show them I'm still here. I get up in the morning with them when they have breakfast and I told Geoff this morning that I want to pick up Aimee from school from now on.

There are other more personal things I am doing for each of my family members that has improved our relationships and dissolved some of my own stress too. I just want to protect them, so I can't go into them here. But my usual method of running away from difficulties has transformed into realizing how much I get from going through them and getting to the other side.

My job outside of the home is a great distraction and mostly I feel energized after a day of working, unless I just overbook myself which is easy for me to do. But it gives me a sense of power and self-worth when I know that at every moment with a client, I am just doing my best. That way, I can let go of old thoughts and worries about the problems of others that I can't solve for them. My therapist reminds me that my clients tend to come back, so I must be doing something right!

I've paid off all of the scam this month!! So I'm going to start paying my friend in April to rent the beautiful office she so graciously allowed me to use for free.

I can now see the "reason" for the scam. It's Higher Purpose was to help me commit more to a job that pays me well and that I do well. I've always had so many doubts about it and my ability and fears around whether I really wanted to get into all that again. It's been 10 years of trying to find another way of making an income. I needed that scam to stop me from trying to find an easy way out. And the cancer to make me fear I wouldn't be able to work just when I had started back up again. So the scam also forced me to not run away, but instead, move forward through to the other side of the difficulties.

I also was worried I wouldn't be able to find a way through my latest setback with the Tamoxifen but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. With the Wellbutrin, I've gone through the uncomfortable parts of starting a new med and it's working better inside of me now. And I'm not afraid to take a tiny amount of Lunesta every night. It's so nice to not have to suffer from insomnia when there's a solution for it that works better than anything else natural that I've ever tried.

This week I've been looking at my insane desire to eat cookies. I really don't want to put sugar into my system because it feeds those bad cells. My question for myself this week has been - what else gives me pleasure? What else could be a treat for me? So I've reintroduced myself to a different, healthier addiction, crime novels. TV is one of my unhealthy addictions and I don't want to spend so much time watching TV so it's been fun to have the energy to get back into reading without falling asleep from it.

But I still watch Law and Order and now love the shows Medium and Cold Case. I allow myself to watch TV in moderation and remember hearing somewhere a long time ago that TV's the modern form of meditation. My favorite new show is one that Aimee turned me on to: "What Not to Wear". I watch it with a smile on my face the entire time. Aimee was imitating my face while watching it and we laughed so hard. I love seeing the transformation from shlumpy to gorgeous!

I think that's the Jewish purpose for life - to turn our world from shlumpy to gorgeous!

Dancin' To Happy News

The call came in from my doc's assistant while I was helping Baily set up last night's party. I knew right away it was good news because the doc had her call instead of him. "No sign of recurrence." And I asked her about the blood test I took for "tumor markers" and my count was 15 when presence of cancer shows at 38 and is usually up to 100. Phew!!!! Then everyone I relayed the message to last night screamed, hugged and danced around with me.

I had such a fantastic time at that concert. I got to drive the lead singer of the 8th Day band to the Vet's Hall and found out he's a Chabad rabbi in Huntington Beach, close to where my parents live. He learned I was their biggest fan in S. Cruz. (Jason says, "their only fan in S. Cruz" but now other people know about them and bought their cds last night.) They sang my favorite songs and I couldn't just sit down and listen. But the songs that really hit home for me were, "Tracht Gut" and "Rain".

"Tracht Gut" comes from a Yiddish saying, "Think positive and it will be positive." It's a saying I've had in my kitchen for over 15 years. The song was written for their sister when she was 17 and was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. She's 30 now. One of the lines is, "Met a little boy with big brown eyes, he said, 'Tracht gut vi tzein gut'. Met a little girl who had no hair, she said, 'Tracht gut vi tzein gut'..." (Spelling? I don't know a lot of Yiddish.) You just have to get up and dance to this one.

"Rain" is a similar healing song that includes the Priestly Blessing in Hebrew. I LOVE the words of this song! "Wishes unspoken, desires unknown. A child cries in the darkness of her own. She's wishin', she's hoping, dreaming of a time just to feel a tear of joy. So take this blessing from me as your miracle is born and the answer to your prayer shines tonight. May the heavens swing open, let all your heart's desires rain down on you, rain down on you. I lift my hands above your head, your miracles approaching, your tearful eye, never dry, will yet behold the sunshine and soon, we'll all be DANCING TO HAPPY NEWS...Yivarechecha HaShem v'yishmarechah..."**

Dancing to happy news was my theme of the night. I was so happy. I couldn't stop smiling the entire show! Only Baily knew what this night really meant to me and when I said goodbye to the rabbi, I realized he knew too. He said, "Hashgacha pratis" is a term that the Baal Shem Tov taught. He added "pratit" to the term "hashgacha". The word hashgacha was always used to represent "Divine Providence" and when the Baal Shem Tov taught it, he added "pratit" or "individual". So we all can see our own individual Divine Providence acting in our lives.

I'm still shaking my head in wonderment. How could all of this happen in the same weeks and the same day and only hours before being able to dance to happy news? It's truly a miracle and I feel so blessed! So I found out that when they gave the go ahead for the menorah, no questions asked, Sholmie, the Chabad student center rabbi suggested to Yochanon that he ask his cousin to perform. Shlomie had no idea that I had loved that band for the past several years and had all of their CDs. Yochanon knew that I was wild about that band but didn't know that I had my PET scan coming up and that my results would come that very night, only hours before. This morning I thought, "I could stop writing this carepages after last night." But I probably won't.

My kids were struggling this week, sweating through studying for their PCS finals, so I was worried that they wouldn't get a chance to attend the concert. But Geoff brought them in time to hear the two songs I wrote you about. They didn't stay for the whole concert because Aimee had a headache (been getting them a lot since Halloween and finals) but this morning she told me she wanted to stay longer if not for the headache.

Anyway, perfect time to now fly off to Palm Desert to be with my parents for 10 days this weekend. Thanks again to all of you for standing by to hear my scan results. I hope you all have the holiday of your dreams too.

**The prayer of the Kohanim in English is, "May the Lord bless you and guard you. May the Lord make His countenance shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn His countenance toward you and grant you peace." (My dad's a Kohain and so is my brother. The lead singer/rabbi is the son of a daughter who's father was Kohain, like me - I'm the daughter of a Kohain and proud of it. He told me that they are usually very peaceful people and tend to be peacemakers between people. If a couple was in a fight, Aaron would go up to each separately and tell them, "Your spouse really wants to make up but he/she's too embarrassed." Then they would see each other later and make up. I'm proud to be a descendant of Aaron. But his sons played with a dangerous fire (light?) and got burned. I think I've got some of that in me too! So please remind me when I get too happy!!!

Hanukkah Lights & Radioactive Lights

I've been pretty anxious this week about the PET scan. First I was told I'd be radioactive for 6 hours afterword and should sit in the back seat when Geoff drives me home. Then I was told I only needed to do that if driven by a pregnant woman. So truthfully, I didn't know what to believe.

The scan was this morning and I'll get the results tomorrow. What happens is they give you an IV with radioactive material and some floro-something-glucose. You've been fasting and so the body will send the glucose to the most active cells. That's how they find the bad cells since they grow the fastest.

This week has been one of pondering the connection between ignoring a lump in my breast and ignoring the signs of a scam. In neither case did I do what I needed to do - logically - to protect myself. My behavior is quite scary and my foolishness just shocking to me. What is this denial of reality all about? Why do I do these things? And what am I being a fool about right now that will bite me in the butt later?

That's why I kind of like not wearing my fake boobs lately. Aside from the fact that the only camisole that's comfortable gave me a rash on my stomach, I am enjoying just being who I really am. I also got myself a medical bracelet to protect my arms when I can't. Really, having a flat chest isn't so bad. It makes me look slim.

I like to remind myself of all I went through and to even scare myself a bit with the scenario that my doc will call me and say they saw something in the scan. Believe it or not, the scenario keeps me grounded. It makes me remember what it felt like the first time I was diagnosed. A little over a year ago. How quickly I forget.

There's something about staying in the dark, rather than being in the light of clarity that has to do with my tendency toward denial of reality. But the dark feels like light to me when I'm in denial. I think I've got this fabulous chance to get paid to shop or I've got this fabulous immunity to cancer with all the natural stuff I do. Then I get hit with the light and I find myself radioactive.

Maybe I just don't want to see the dark or believe in it. Do my clients love me because I am so accepting, understanding and boundary-less? Am I in denial about all of them too? I just don't want my blinders to hurt me anymore.

One dark thing I was sure of was those Nazi flags downtown. The rabbis from Beth El got to work on that and the landlord made him take them down. But then we had another battle with the public menorah that raised its head.

A couple of months ago I heard that the "atheists" in town were emailing and calling the rabbi to protest the menorah. He invited them to his house (like all Chabad rabbis do with everyone) and what I was curious about was, "were they Jewish?" Some Jews are not happy with public displays - separation of church and state and perhaps some fears about being thrown in gas ovens. But Chabad wears its Judaism on it's sleeve, hat, beard, tzitsis, and in your face. And no, they weren't Jewish and only one person showed up to his home.

Their conversation was interesting - of course, I had to ask the rabbi, what ever did he say to this person? The conversation revolved around this woman's fear of people believing in things that aren't real and she hopes for the day that everyone will believe in science and only science. The rabbi's response was to say something like, "Well, I'd be afraid if that happened again since people who only cared about science did some horrific experiments on my people in Nazi Germany."

Anyway, shortly after the Nazi flag fiasco, we started to hear about the city council telling the rabbi that their permit they've given over the years for the menorah lighting should have contained a requirement to have round the clock security. This of course would have made it financially impossible to have the menorah up. Well, the public rose up to support the menorah and the city council "caved". (BTW, all this occurred around the same time as my article was in the paper - and I realized that the editor protected me by cutting out anything that might have caused more controversy.)

So the rabbi wrote us all an email stating that Chabad was now going to host a concert/Chanukah party in tribute to the overwhelming support for the public menorah. He wrote: "The Lubavitcher Rebbe of blessed memory taught us that when faced with adversity, one must endeavor to rise not merely back to status quo, but to greater heights than before. That way the adversity itself becomes a tool for goodness, by becoming the impetus to greater good than before. Light comes not only after the darkness, but from within it!"

These words were really the theme I had rolling around in my mind all through my diagnosis and treatment this past year. They also remind me of the meaning behind the entire Chanukah story when the Hasmoneans won their battle to keep their religion despite Syrian-Greeks slaughtering pigs in the Holy Temple. On the 8 nights of Hanukah, the menorah increases in light each night while the band that will perform in S. Cruz is called, "the 8th Day": http://www.My8thDay.com - the name may have something to do with Hanukah but I've been told that the #8 is a mystical number because it is outside of the normal 7 days of the week - and represents the miracle that occurred so long ago. The 8th Day band is an Hasidic rock band that has the rabbi's cousin as a member. I've always been their biggest fan in S. Cruz so I think the rabbi is holding this party just for me!!!!

So tomorrow night, I'm looking forward to celebrating more light in S. Cruz at Vet's Hall with the 8th Day band, along with a clean PET scan result. I'll write again this week to report the result to you before we go away for 2 weeks to Palm Desert to be with my parents.

Being Thankful

I really enjoyed this Thanksgiving. It was an unusual thanksgiving because my parents were there. Normally we only celebrate with Geoff's family. So it was nice to have my parents. I also got to see my cousin Shari & her family who were visiting her husband's sister in Monterrey. I loved being with my family for a change. And it was such a treat to be with Shari.

Of course I had to remember last TG when I was unable to eat anything. This year, I was able to even eat some sugar - in the form of apple pie and vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately, I discovered that the sugar didn't effect me like it always had. And now I can't seem to stop eating a bit every day. But, hey, I feel grateful that the chemo cleaned me out like Ajax and now my body seems to be able to handle everything!

Today I went to a support group at Womencare. I've been going to these again. Remember when I went to my first one before going to chemo? Well, I got freaked out and didn't go to another one until 3 weeks ago. The freak out had to do with seeing a lovely, sweet, delicate, gentle and vulnerable woman talk about her chemo not doing anything. I couldn't even go there mentally right then. I needed to believe it was all going to work. I needed to stay strong throughout the entire treatment.

Now that treatment is behind me, I can go to this support group and have gotten a lot out of it. I'm with other women who have walked my same path and understand what it's like to face death. I actually am able to enjoy being with women who are stage 4, etc. I find them empowering and enlightening and understanding. Today, the third time I went back to the group since I've been going again, I was told that the woman who originally scared me had died November 20th.

I have a PET scan coming up sometime in the next couple of weeks. It definitely brings up that fear of death again. So the hardest part about hearing that that woman died was wondering about her kids. I guess I'm not afraid of death really, it seems like it would be a relief of some kind - like going to sleep. But I don't want to leave my kids. I don't want to leave my parents. I would hate to have to say goodbye to any of my loved ones and friends. I watched "Bucket List" before Thanksgiving and couldn't understand wanting to travel or do the things that were on their lists. My list only includes 2 things:
1. Improving my relationships so that I feel love and give love more.
2. Establishing a "successful" practice and enjoying it to the point of feeling good about myself and what I can offer people.

The things that excite me these days have to do with my writing. My article came out in the Jewish Community News and the Sentinel says it should be printed there this weekend. I've posted it online as well and am so hoping that the Jewish moms who need this article will find it. Just today Aimee told me that in her drama class they will do an Xmas play and they went around the room describing their fondest Xmas memory. Aimee didn't say that she doesn't celebrate it. She told everyone that she has fond memories of going out to eat at a nice restaurant in Palm Desert. So I'm glad she didn't feel left out. My kids are too old now for me to come to their class and make latkes and teach the dreidle game, so that their holiday has some kind of presence at school even if no one acknowledges it.

This Thanksgiving, my friend, Andrea's father was downtown in S. Cruz (I can't call the town "holy") and saw swastika flags hanging from two windows. An article about this was published in the paper today: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/ci_13898408 It makes me glad that my article will be coming out soon and I so appreciate this one editor at the Sentinel seeing it's value.

The rebbe of Chabad found me when I was in high school and somehow knew I was on a mission. And I will continue to promote being Jewish with pride and honor. I feel very lucky to be one of the chosen. And I'm not afraid to claim choseness. It's not easy to be chosen for this mission. There is so much darkness. But spreading the Light is what we are here to do and also finding the Light within the darkness so we can uplift it. I believe this is a choice that all of us have - not only those who were chosen to do the job.

I read somewhere on Chabad.org that the gematria of this year in the Jewish calendar spells out the same number as does the number for the promise to Abraham. The only time in the entire Torah that the word "faratzta" is used. It means to spread out all over the world. So the promise to Abraham was that his descendants would spread out over the entire world. To spread the Light. There is no hope for the darkness because the promise was kept. And perhaps this year we will get to see the outcome of this Light being in all 4 corners of the earth. Those dark flags were there for only one reason, for us to see that there is darkness here and to bring Light.

I Wanted To Die

I literally wanted to die last week. It was very interesting to me that the thought even arose considering how I've been fighting to live. But when I realized I'd been the victim of a scam, the reality was too much to bare. I felt so full of shame that I couldn't imagine ever being able to recover from this - let alone have to pay the bank back $4000.

It was last Thursday that the surprise came that the check I'd cashed and then spent at Western Union, sending money to someone I didn't know, was bogus. That was only a week after getting the surprise $4000 check in the mail to start my new business as a "Mystery Shopper". I feel so foolish now thinking about how I went to Safeway and watched very carefully as the clerk looked at my ID to check my signature but not my photo. I couldn't wait to report back to headquarters that she didn't look at my photo!!! I also was so excited that I was getting $400 just to do something as easy as all that. I couldn't wait to complete my "assignment" so I could get another one!

It's really hard for me to admit this to all of you. Just how stupid I was. And even harder over the past several days to remember all the signs I didn't want to see that should have warned me to do a bit of investigation or to at least wait for the check to clear!

Luckily, right after going to the bank and negotiating with the manager so I could pay this off at $500 a month over the next 6 months, I came home to my neighbor telling me how beautiful I am. He was working on the enclosed balcony and after I told him why the police were at our home last night, he told me how stunned he was after reading my last post. I'm beautiful because I have a great attitude and my kids are special and must get that from somewhere.

That's when the real tears started. I'd woken up in the middle of the night and cried but not as much as when he told me what he told me. And then something happened even better: someone was at the door - I had scheduled to do an EFT trade with the only other therapist in town who does EFT and instead of a trade, she gave me two hours of her time with no payback!

EFT works really well when you're in the state that I was in. She helped me release a lot of tears and shame by reminding me how many really intelligent people got duped by Madoff. People I respect. And she reminded me that this scammer didn't get the things that really mean something to me in this life. He couldn't take away my kids or the help I've given to moms. And what helped me take away the shame the most was when she told me that I got led down this fantasy job thing because of all I've been through this year. I was so wanting to believe that my luck finally came through. (I know, I'm alive and that's lucky, but you know what I mean.) She's brilliant with EFT, is so incredibly compassionate and easy to talk to, and her name is Suzanne Lerner. Her website is: http://makeyourlifeshine.com

When I saw Baily, she told me that what happened to me was a "Kapparah for my health". I couldn't remember what Kapparah was until I remembered the plural form, "Kaparot" and remembered the chicken ritual. From http://www.chabadbythesea.com/holidays/JewishNewYear/template_cdo/aid/989585/jewish/Kaparot.htm: "It is customary to perform the kaparot (symbolic "atonement") rite in preparation for Yom Kippur.

The rite consists of taking a chicken and waving it over one's head three times while reciting the appropriate text. The fowl is then slaughtered in accordance with halachic procedure and its monetary worth given to the poor, or, as is more popular today, the chicken itself is donated to a charitable cause.

We ask of G‑d that if we were destined to be the recipients of harsh decrees in the new year, may they be transferred to this chicken in the merit of this mitzvah of charity.

In most Jewish communities, kaparot is an organized event at a designated location. Live chickens are made available for purchase, ritual slaughterers are present, and the slaughtered birds are donated to a charitable organization..."

I did feel better thinking about this as a Kaparah. Hopefully something died with this foolish episode and something good instead will come of it.

Already I've been forced to take a look at how gung ho I was to have a different job than I have now. I wanted a magic solution to my difficulties at my job. When my magic solution was a scam, I felt I'd rather die than have to go back to facing the challenges I'm facing right now. Amazing to me that it hits me that hard. My eternal optimism during chemo kept me from the challenges in my work. I just couldn't go there. But ever since chemo's been over, I've hit a wave of difficult clients and situations. Is it the economy? Is it my outlook?

So I decided to do what I love doing and forget about the monetary payout. I don't want a recurrence. I want my work to be enjoyable and stress-free. Remember my money honey? He was not in agreement with me taking the "Mystery Shopper" job. I didn't listen to him and so he left me while I was involved with what I thought was a real money honey! Hopefully he's back now that I'm writing again.

I am writing articles and tweeking articles I've already written. One of the papers I've sent an article to is going to publish it. I haven't heard from the other newspapers, but I just keep writing and emailing. And I've got two articles I'm planning to add to my website.

Maybe next week I'll have some photos, I'm still painting the room and there are a couple construction things to finish. The reconstruction of that balcony and my own psyche are continuing.

P.S. Just found out the scam was in the paper today: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/ci_13753816?IADID=Search-www.santacruzsentinel.com-www.santacruzsentinel.com

Who Shall Live and Who Shall Die

Amazing that my diagnosis coincided with Rosh Hashana last year. If you really take to heart what it says in the prayerbook, you get to experience what it feels like to be diagnosed with canCer. (The one with the Big C.) And I think that's the way it should be. Faced with your own mortality, it's much more likely that you'll make the changes you need to make.

Here's a quote from the Oonataneh Tokef, (just in case you didn't get a chance to experience the awesomeness of it):
"All created beings pass before You, (one by one,) like a flock of sheep...and You allocate the fixed portion for the needs of all Your creatures, and inscribe the verdict of their judgment.

On Rosh Hashana they are inscribed, and on the fast day of Yom Kippur they are sealed: How many shall pass away and how many shall be born; who shall live and who shall die; who shall live out his allotted time and who shall depart before his time; who (shall perish) by water and who by fire; who by the sword and who by a wild beast; who by hunger and who by thirst; who by earthquake and who by pestilence; who by strangulation and who by lapidation; who shall be at rest and who shall wander; who shall be tranquil and who shall be harassed; who shall enjoy well-being and who shall suffer tribulation; who shall be poor and who shall be rich; who shall be humbled and who shall be exalted.

But Repentance, Prayer and Charity avert the severity of the decree.

For as is Your Name so is Your praise. You are slow to anger and easy to pacify, for You do not desire the death of the one deserving death, but that he return from his path and live. And (even) until the day of his death You wait for him; if he will by repent, You will welcome him at once..." from Machzor for Rosh Hashanah, translation by Rabbi Nissen Mangel, published and copywrited by Merkos L'Inyonei Chinuch, order through www.kehotonline.com

Our Machzor is 369 pages long and the services are a prayer workout - a marathon lasting 4-5 hours on Shabbos and holidays - while the Yom Kippur machzor is an all day affair. It's like a 24 hour silent zen center experience only with standing, sitting, singing, and constantly bringing your mind back to the words of the prayer you're reciting under your breath. Tiring, boring sometimes, but I've worked my way up to it and have been able to do the entire thing, following along in the English while the rabbi does it all out loud in Hebrew. Unfortunately, I missed the workout this year.

I did end up catching Aimee's cold and was soooooooo disappointed that I couldn't pray with my peeps. I missed the lovely service on Friday night with the delicious meal afterward and the longer service the next day. Baily and Yochanon set up a tent in their backyard and then invite everyone to stay for a meal after services. Very warm and heimishe. All my friends were there and I was coughing and feeling sorry for myself at home.

Trying to find the silver lining, I realized how much I wanted to pray with everyone and how much that group means to me. I ended up borrowing a prayerbook from the rabbi so I could still pray at home. (I don't own a High Holiday Machzur!) Praying by myself was actually very meaningful. I took breaks when I needed to and really got to focus on the prayers and on what I was saying rather than being distracted.

On Sunday, I went to part of the service and got to hear the shofar and some of the ancient melodies that I so love to hear this time of year. I heard some wisdom from the rabbi's which I loved and got to pray a bit with everyone. After awhile I got tired and left, so I missed my favorite part, the Priestly Blessing:-[ And it was kind of embarrassing to be there since I had to tell people I had a cold when they went to hug me but sometimes they thought I was telling them I didn't want to catch anything from them!

Being sick brought back all the past year and all the times I had to stay away from friends and family. It helped me make an even deeper level of commitment to taking care of myself because I had to face my fragility yet again. I could have prevented this cold had I protected myself better. So it even got me to accept the fact I need to get back on the immune builders and also get a flu shot.

Not changing the subject at all, I have to share with you that I saw a DVD on Joni Mitchell's life history. In my mind, she is the greatest poet, musician, & artist born out of the turbulent 60's and 70's. Her ability to plumb the depths of her pain and come out with clear, raw poetry and music, capturing the essence of universal themes is something I've always admired and loved.

What captured my attention in relationship to all of this is that her life was really a struggle mirroring the woman's movement. She had a child out of wedlock that she had to put up for adoption because she couldn't depend on the man she later married to do the right thing. Then after divorcing him, she became famous and her writing revolved around romantic love vs independence. She couldn't get tied down in a relationship, she wanted to focus on her craft. And because she refused to marry Graham Nash, she did blossom and her best work came out of the depression following the break-up. In the end though, she admits that the most important thing in life is Love. And not romantic love.

It hit me that she missed that Love when she gave up her baby and when she subsequently gave up marriage and family for her craft. Her independence and desire to further her career gave her something really great while raising a child and committing to a marriage would have given her something else. To me that's what this whole holiday boils down to: what's important in life? Career? or family, friends, & relationships? That's the universal dilemma of a woman. How can you develop your own craft and self-care while at the same time, not forgetting the relationships that are really the most important things in life?

When faced with the possibility of dying no matter how much you pray or what you eat or how you think or how much you give or how good a person you are (since we're even told that the angels are judged on this holiday), and knowing that whether you live or die is really, ultimately out of your own hands, what's most important gets really clear:

Our relationships.

And that's what I keep coming back to when I get sick. I don't want to have a recurrence. I want to live and the most important thing that I miss when I am sick is my peeps.

Facing My Limits

FACING YOURSELF
Excerpt from 60 Days: A Spiritual Guide to the High Holidays, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2009. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

To subscribe to this 60 day email, go here: http://www.meaningfullife.com/subscribe/index_60days_subscribe.php

"The Baal Shem Tov taught that everything we see, whether good or bad, is really a reflection of ourselves. If it was not, we'd simply not see it.

This phenomenon is part of a merciful way that G-d has of teaching us lessons in life. Most of us have a difficult time hearing from others that we have a flaw which we ourselves don't recognize. Therefore, G-d sets us up to have a confrontation with a person who exhibits that same flaw in some form. We see it and we say "how terrible." But then it dawns on us that we exhibit the same behavior, though perhaps in different form.

The same is true for positive things. We recognize a positive characteristic in others because we have it in ourselves. If we didn't have any element of it, we wouldn't recognize it.

In other words: You are what you see. And you see what you are.

Many Jews living in Germany in the 1930s didn't recognize the evil of the German people because they had none of it in themselves. They couldn't fathom that anyone could murder them in cold blood. If you are incapable of a crime, it's impossible to imagine that someone else is capable of it.

There are atrocities that we can't even relate to because we're not capable of doing such a thing ourselves.

The same is true for goodness or holiness.

Many of us are cynical because we never met anyone truly holy or truly pure. So we don't believe that it's possible to be that way because it's not part of our own experience..."

I probably shouldn't be copying these things here in my own blog, but I referenced the copywrite, so I hope that works. I just couldn't not include it here. Today this came in my email and it was so perfect for what I'm going through.

This week has been quite an emotional roller-coaster due to a situation I have ongoing at work. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face and the perfect thing for me to face, reconcile, and heal. It has everything to do with my own limits, taking care of myself and making a priority out of what is truly important.

What the heck!!? Didn't I learn all this already this year? Yes and no. Right away after finishing surgery, even before I was radiated, I was once again pushing the river until I drowned in it. And it's such an important lesson for me: take care of yourself, you are just out of cancer treatment and not even celebrating your canServersary yet!!!!

Don't push yourself beyond your own sense of safety. That's the lesson. And yes, I've eaten some crow realizing just how much I'm complaining to myself about something in someone that is simply a mirror of my own reasons for slipping up. And truly I got lost because I could not see or believe certain things due to not having those traits in myself.

I loved this article my brother-in-law, Paul sent me:
"My Brain on Chemo: Alive and Alert" By DAN BARRY
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/01/health/01case.html
I think you'll like it too. It's quite a great article on how easy it is to revert back to our old behaviors and ways of thinking.

The Israeli folk dancing with the kids at PCS this week was great fun. (Nice having the fake boobs too and looking somewhat normal.) Since Aimee & Jason weren't in the class and were so mortified that I was there doing this, I didn't let the class know who my kids were. They seemed to enjoy the dances and thanked me afterward and one asked if I was coming back! Aimee and Jason couldn't believe they really liked it. "They were just joking, Mom!"

So, that's your update. I hope you enjoy your long weekend!!!

New Moon - Elul - CT Scan

I got a CT scan this morning and it showed no metastatic canSer. Just a cyst on one of my kidneys that my dad says means nothing. Still I will see my oncologist tomorrow anyway to ask about it.

The tamoxifen may not be side-effecting me - or not just yet. I am waking up a lot during my sleep lately, but that could just be normal for me. Or due to anxiety over the scan.

I've been listening to a lot of audios on chabad.org about the coming holidays. There are 60 days that start with tonight's full moon - the Jewish months of Elul and Tishrei - that are full of holidays. First Rosh HaShana, then Yom Kippur, then Sukkot, and finally, Simchas Torah.

Of course I'm focusing on the first two holidays in my studies because it's the anniversary of my diagnosis. Geoff calls it my "canServersary". He says it was October 7th last year but I'm just focusing on the Jewish calendar myself, and Rosh haShana starts the night of Sept. 18th this year.

He pointed out that Jason was born on April 7th, Aimee on August 7th and my canServersary is October 7th. (maybe that's when I was reborn) But he forgets that my brother's birthday is Dec. 7th and my dad's is Sept. 7th.

Anyway, Ani Lidodi V'dodi Li is how you say in Hebrew, "I am for my Beloved and my Beloved is for me". That's a line from a part of Torah called, Shir haShirim or "Song of Songs" written by King Solomon. And the first letter of each of those words spells out the word for the Jewish month that starts tonight - Elul.

This line from Song of Songs represents the tone we start with for the month of Elul when we have both holidays that commemorate the birthday of the world or the creation of man (Rosh haShana) and the day of forgiveness (Yom Kippur). The week between the two holidays is the 10 days of Tshuva - which can be translated as "repentence" or "turning" and is related to the word for "rest" or "sitting" which is its root. Last year I got my diagnosis during the week of Tshuva.

This month, we look over the past year and see how well we did on our mission here and what we need to improve on, spiritually, for the coming year. Rosh ha Shana literally means "Head of the Year". But it's not the first month of the Jewish calendar. It's the 7th. The first month is Nissan - when we were taken out of Egypt.

According to one of the audios I listened to by Moshe New, we look at our relationship with G-d like we do any marriage/passionate relationship. The month on Nissan was like the honeymoon period of any relationship - everything is wonderful and miraculous. The reed sea is parted and we get fed manna. Now, though, is the time later in the marriage - like in any marriage - where you've looked at the golden calf and it looks so much better than what you are married to. And on the brink of divorce, your house is destroyed (Tisha b'Av) and the Temple is no more, and since there is no divorce in our relationship with G-d, you can do one of two things: either leave your house in shambles or rededicate yourself to the marriage.

So after Tisha B'Av comes the new year and you get to recommit to the original plan. Know that this marriage was meant to be and focus on the positive things that you really love and look past all the bad stuff. It's now up to you. Miracles are not going to get you to a good marriage. Your hard work and dedication even when the going gets rough is what brings a good marriage - it deepens the marriage and now it's no longer based on ephemeral things but is more solid. Developing faith & hope during the hard times gets you through.

That's where the concept of "turning" comes in. We aren't being punished for misdeeds - only reaping consequences of our actions. There is always forgiveness. The King knows how He set up this world. We are bound to win some, lose some. No matter how often we fail, there's always forgiveness because there's always the possibility to "turn" and return to our true selves and our true mission. It's a "turning", not a punishment. It's a returning and a resting or sitting because when we are back to ourselves, there is no more struggle. Everything flows when you are coming from your strength (your soul) and your strength lies in what you do well and what comes easy to you - what you are good at is what your purpose is in this life. (Moshe New didn't say that - I'm extending on what I heard due to what I've experienced this year.) And what your purpose is is what the King gave you this life for - you take part in the King's purpose for this world.

I really feel like that's what this year has been for me - a returning to myself, an embracing of myself, a remembering of what my purpose is. And I don't always succeed at that return, but it keeps me going when I "miss the mark" (which is the translation for the word, "sin" in Hebrew). No matter how far we've strayed from our true self (from our soul), there is no way to leave it behind, it is a part of us and waiting for us to come back to it.

So in Elul, the rebbe says that the "King is in the field" - down here with the field-workers. Checking out the work we have to do, shaking hands, listening to our challenges, hearing our requests. On Rosh HaShana we have the (re)coronation of our King. And we have an entire month of Elul to do the repair work necessary to reconnect to being the King's servant.

Another interesting thing I learned from one of these audios, the one from Ruvi New, is that two very important people in Jewish history were born on the 18th of Elul. And remember that 18 is the number for the word that means "Life". So to help us understand what Elul means - let's look at who was born on the "life of Elul":
The Baal Shem Tov and the Alter Rebbe who was the founder of Chabad.

The Baal Shem Tov was the person who started Hasidism. He was all about making Judaism joyful and personal. Before him, there was little mention of the soul in Jewish learning. So he also brought the mystical Kabbalah down to the masses whereas before only the elite of the elite were able to study it. The Alter Rebbe was one of the students of the Maggid who was a disciple of the Baal Shem Tov. He was the one out of all of the students to be sent to Lithuania.

At the time, Lithuania would be the toughest place to bring new information to. It was a huge stronghold of Jewish learning with strong learning centers. According to Ruvi New, the learning in Lithuania was very intellectual and lacking in spirituality. People knew things intellectually rather than making them exciting and personal. Their religious practice was very dry and I think they are one of the reasons so many men threw their tefillin into the ocean once they arrrived in America. The Alter Rebbe was the most intellectual of all of the Hasidic students of the Maggid so he was able to reach these people at their level. He was a prolific writer and wrote a book called, The Tanya, that elucidated deep Kabbalistic teachings but made them accessible to even the lay person. He started Chabad of Lubuvitch and brought soul and spirit to the intellectuals of the time.

Now the last interesting thing and then I'll let you go: If Rosh haShana is the birthday of creation - in fact, the day that man was created, then can it be celebrated by non-Jews? Well, there are some non-Jews, called the Noahides or the "B'nai Noach" which means the "children of Noah", who have asked if it's ok for them to celebrate Rosh HaShana. According to Moshe New, they should be able to celebrate it. Who are these Noahides? They are a group of mostly Christian people who, dissatisfied with their own religion looked to Torah to discover what it says about how to become a "righteous gentile".

Did you think the Torah was only written for Jews? No. Adam was given 6 commandments and then Noah was given the 7th. All of mankind descends from Noah. Google it: Google "7 noahide laws". There is such a group called the children of Noah and there are 7 commandments for all mankind.

Here's a link to a good article on Elul http://meaningfullife.com/oped/2009/08.20.09$ShoftimCOLON_Elul_and_the_Economy.php

And if you want links to the audios I listened to, email me.

I hope you enjoyed all of this as much as I did. Now you know what I'm doing with my new iPod when I'm driving around town! I will be continuing to write about how I see all of this relating to me as we go through these holidays. I just love this stuff!!!!

Aimee's Bat Mitzvah Party

I decided to go ahead with Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party even though I end radiation only two weeks prior. The radiation will burn my skin and I may feel fatigue by the end but I didn't want to postpone this event for various reasons.

1. I won't let this canSer win and disrupt my plans.
2. Aimee will be changing after this birthday and I want to have this party before the change happens.
3. She's starting PCS in the Fall and I don't want us to have to focus on anything else - homework will be enough!
4. Now's a good time for me to have this party since I will not be afraid to ask people for help.

Chabad recommends holding the girls' Bat Mitzvah at age 12 instead of at 13, like the boys. This makes sense to me since girls do mature faster. I remember Jason being a kid at his Bar Mitzvah and then soon afterward, he started to seem like a man. His whole demeanor changed and he even was able to understand certain jokes better. He wasn't hanging with the children anymore but was sitting with the grownups enjoying our conversation.

Chabad also sees a different role for girls vs boys on their Bar/Bar Mitzvah. The boys usually learn to read from the Torah and get an aliyah during a Torah service. (An aliyah is when they are called up to bless the Torah during the Torah-reading part of the service.) Girls don't have the obligation to lead a service, so their Bat Mitzvah doesn't include reading the Torah or going to a service. That doesn't mean that they can't learn everything a boy can learn - women just have a different role than men do in a public service. Younger girls and boys (not of Bar/Bat Mitzvah age) are allowed to run around and do whatever they want during a public service...which is what attracted me to Chabad when my kids were so young. Little kids can be comfortable during a service.

The difference between how Chabad sees the roles of men and women has been controversial and the reason why many people don't like to attend their services. I, myself, have enjoyed their services, feeling much more able to concentrate on prayer when the men are on one side and the women on the other. It seems like everyone is lost in their own, private prayer that way, even though they stand and sit together and keep up with the leader. I like that. It's a more personal & private conversation - between me and my Maker although done publicly with a community. Also, I have been thrilled to see the men so involved in spiritual practice. At Chabad services, the men do everything. They can't get away with thinking that religion and being spiritual is a woman's thing. It's a kick seeing them dance together with the Torah on the holiday of Simchas Torah. (When do you ever see men let themselves go and dance together with joy?) In my opinion, men need to have all this required of them, otherwise they just won't do it. We women on the other hand do not need any of this required of us. We are spiritual already. We don't need to be commanded to be. We just are.

Mothering is part of that. I believe that motherhood is a very spiritual process and am not surprised that the religions of the ancient past had women gods and fertility rites. Women go through birth and are connected to the children that come from their bodies in ways men just aren't. Your children are like pieces of your own body walking around outside of you. Their education and their care and their lives end up being your life no matter how much fathers participate these days. There are just basic differences between men and women that go very deep. So deep that it may also be more difficult for women to emotionally separate from their children when they need to let go. Of course these are generalizations and many of you may disagree.

But that's just my opinion.

And that doesn't mean that Chabad excludes girls and women from learning. The girls are required to light candles on Shabbos by the time they are 3 years old. They learn to pray and learn to read Hebrew before they even learn to read English. They also know about all the holidays and are Shomer Shabbos from as early as they can understand all the rules. And they know the rules of tsniut and Kashrut from infancy - just like the boys do.

Aimee has been involved with Chabad since she was 2 years old. She's been lighting a Shabbos candle since she was 3. She attended Ima and Me, Hebrew school, and now Bat Mitzvah club. At her Bat Mitzvah party, there will be no service. Instead, we will enjoy a lunch and she will give a speech, teaching us something she has learned. Bailly and Yochanon told me that she already knows so much that it won't be difficult for her to prepare for her Bat Mitzvah speech.

So this is the official/unofficial invite to you all. I hope I've given you enough time to plan either a trip to Santa Cruz or a trip to the West Side. The date, G-d Willing, will be Sunday, July 26th at 11:30am, at the DeAnza Mobile Home clubhouse. So there's your invite until I learn how to use PurpleTrail.com and send you an email invitation!

Since today's Father's Day I can't just leave this update only writing about how important mothers are! This Father's Day is particularly poignant for me this year. I gave Geoff a card today where I had written, "Congratulations. Today you are a Man!" Then I crossed that out since it's really supposed to be a Bar Mitzvah card. But truly, he really stepped up this year as both a man, husband, and father. I haven't had to lift a finger to wash dishes, make dinners, lunches or breakfasts, drop off and pick up kids from schools, put kids to bed or help with homework, do laundry, or do bills. Luckily, I'm feeling so well these days that I was able to get the kids to help me make him a delicious chocolate crepe breakfast this morning.

My own dad has always been a tremendously loving presence in my life. And although he can't seem to figure out how to use his computer and get on these carepages, he has been there for me this year and all my life. I can't tell you how many Harry & David packages we've gotten over the past 9 months but right now, a frozen H & D turkey sits waiting to be cooked. I also have tons of Trader Joe's gift cards sitting in my wallet thanks to Dad. But nothing will match how often he's asked me since diagnosis when he can come up to visit.

Aren't fathers fabulous? Yes, indeed they are. Happy Father's Day everyone!

My Re-Birth Day

B"H

"Sivan 4, 5769 * May 27, 2009
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

C O U N T T H E O M E R R E M I N D E R
=============================================

Dear Friend,

Tonight, Wednesday night, May 27, 2009, we count forty-nine days, which is seven weeks of the Omer.

For detailed instructions on how to count the Omer, blessing text, omer calendar, and more information, go to: http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=A74EAEDD00117F75EA6A8C597F7C6226&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Now that we have concluded the counting of the Omer, we will resume this subscription next year, please G-d. We would like to invite you to take advantage of many of our other free subscriptions, all available http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=418AB5E46DE3B994F04AEC74DAFA0C7C&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Shavuot,

Chabad.org

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Spiritual Guide to the counting of the Omer
Forty-Nine Steps to Personal Refinement
Courtesy of www.MeaningfulLife.com
* * *
Day Seven of Week 7
Malchut of Malchut

Examine the sovereignty of your sovereignty. Does it come from deep- rooted inner confidence in myself? Or is it just a put-on to mask my insecurities? Does that cause my sovereignty to be excessive? Am I aware of my uniqueness as a person? Of my personal contribution?

Exercise for the day: Take a moment and concentrate on yourself, on your true inner self, not on your performance and how you project to others; and be at peace with yourself knowing that G-d created a very special person which is you."

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Well, we made it through the counting of the Omer and now we get to celebrate Shavuot and the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Bailly's going to have a dairy food party at her home on Friday at 6pm where we get to hear the rabbi read the 10 Commandments out loud. Today's counting instructions seemed so perfect for my re-birth instructions.

It was so nice to have Bailly put together a party for me. Stef and Doris and Margie helped her that morning. I was grateful to all of them and to all who were able to attend. I had anxiety about having invited too many people and about what I was going to say besides thank you to them all. I even picked at a pimple on my face due to my anxiety which then made me worry even more about how I was going to look. Everyone told me I looked great and everyone had a seat and there was food enough for many more.

I felt ok about what I ended up saying. Luckily I got to rehearse it with Sharol that morning. I basically said that I wanted to say more than thank you but didn't know what to say so I looked at the parsha for the week which is about counting the Jewish people before they got the Torah. Some interpretations say that G-d of course knows how many people were there, but the purpose of the counting was like how we count our own jewels. Relating that to my journey, I realized how much I count because of the uniqueness of who I am. Like the instructions for tonight's counting, I have a purpose to G-d in this lifetime, a "personal contribution" and am feeling more and more that my mission has not been accomplished just yet. It's not about performance, it's about specialness. And so it also relates to how special each of you is to me and how differently I've counted on each of you for the support you have given me throughout this journey that I've been on.

My birthday on the Jewish calendar is the day after Lag B'Omer which is the day in Jewish history when the students of Rabbi Akiva stopped dying from a plague (2nd Temple times). So relating that to me, I realized I've been through the plague and I am still alive and G-d-willing, will continue to live for many more years to come. I wonder if the fact that my birthday lies within the counting of the Omer makes me the kind of person who is always searching for ways to refine my connection to G-d and to my own true essence. (For example, I noticed before writing this that the message count on this site is up to 770...and every chabadnik will understand what I mean when I write that...even though I am still wondering what it all means on a deeper level in relation to what I am writing in this very update.)

So having that party, as much as I debated whether to do it now or not was important to me. Somehow it helped me to mark the end of chemo and surgery and feel like I have accomplished something...and ended something (though it never feels like the end of this). This diagnosis never ends even after your treatment ends so having a party to validate an accomplishment was healing for me.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling more tired than previously. Maybe I was just on a high before with my parents here and the party or maybe I'm just tired from all of that. I had a dream last night that I was pushing myself too hard and ignoring my illness. So I am trying to slow down and remember I'm still recovering from a big surgery.

I wore my bare head during a client session yesterday. With the ortho sleeves and long sleeves over that, I was so hot that I didn't care how I looked. It's funny how I felt before getting this surgery compared to how I feel now. I just want to be comfortable and there is no comfort for me with these darn ortho sleeves. So I really don't care anymore what people think about my flat chest and very, very, very short haircut.

By the end of every day, I rip off my sleeves and breathe a sigh of relief. I know I should just be happy to be alive (and I am) but without the sleeves on, life is so much more enjoyable. My mom always called me "Princess and the Pea", so there you go. I am definitely a creature of comfort and very sensitive.

I've been letting go of the guilt more too. This disease happens to people who are really different from me! It wasn't my fault. Who I am and the mistakes I made and whatever hang ups I had didn't create this problem. How could it if so many others who don't have my hang-ups have this disease too? What a relief to be able to say that now, compared to where I was in the beginning.

Next week starts a new chapter in my treatment: radiation. I've got an appointment every week day starting the 3rd at 11:30am for 10 minutes. The receptionist told me I'd get to be friends with all the other gals who have the same appointment time. So it's calendula cream until my skin turns red and then it's aloe vera to prevent the blisters. Luckily it's all taking place on just my left side and not my right.

I hear radiation's not a big ordeal and maybe I WILL be able to have Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party on July 26th...radiation will be done a couple weeks before that.

Matzo & More Matzo

We enjoyed our small seder that we hosted at our home with Geoff's parents and our good friend, Jerry. Having Jerry there really gave me a lot of energy and made it a very special night. Jerry's been one of my supporters here on the carepages from the beginning of my journey. I wore one of my blond wigs and felt like I was normal again.

This has been a difficult week in some ways. One way had to do with finally telling the kids that I was going to have mastectomies. Geoff and I were not on the same page with whether we should tell them or not. I wanted to and thought it was the right thing and best for them and best for me. Geoff didn't want to devastate them. It took awhile before he was ok with the idea. It helped when he called the Katz cancer center at Dominican hospital and asked for their opinion.

When I did tell the kids, they were devastated, of course. Luckily, I told them before they had to leave for other things which helped to get them off the subject and back into their own lives. Unfortunately, I was left home alone, crying over how much I have to put my kids through. I decided it was the right time for me to put in the DVD that Wendi had recommended, "13 Going on 30". It did the trick. I really enjoyed it and was able to take my mind off of the depressing thoughts.

Later that evening, Jason, Aimee and I played some board games together and did a puzzle (thanks, Glenna). We were playing one game and Aimee kept rolling the dice and not getting to move time after time after time and it made us all laugh hysterically, so hard our bellies hurt! It just reminded me that we are all resilient and will make it through all of this. I just didn't want to have to hide something from them that would be so obvious. I was reminded by a couple of friends that playing those games and laughing was probably a release from the tension of hiding this from them.

(Maybe I should tell you what I said when I told them about the surgery because this could be useful to someone else sometime. First I told them that in 2 weeks I'll be having surgery and I'm looking forward to getting all this treatment over with so we can go on with our lives. Then I told them that Daddy and I decided that the best way to make sure I never get this cancer again is to have my breasts removed. Then I said that there were things I could wear that would make me look normal most of the time. Then I stopped and asked them if they had any questions. I will leave their reactions out of this to protect their privacy. But I did tell them that this was a 2 hour surgery and that the surgeon said it was the least complicated one that I could have and makes it most likely that I'll never have to face this disease again. I also told them that it was easy because there are no muscles in the breast and they are outside the body and they won't have to go inside my body to take away all the cancer. I answered their questions as best I could without going into too much detail but had to be reminded by Geoff to stop when I went into what didn't need to be told. Then I told them that they could always ask me anything they wanted and I would not be embarrassed or feel bad. Then I reminded them that if they couldn't talk to me, they could talk to Dad and if they couldn't talk to either of us, I named adults they knew that I thought they'd be comfortable talking to.)

So this Passover I've been motivated to try different recipes using matzo meal and potato starch and matzo farfel - for the kids sake. I made some muffins, popovers, and granola. The kids always go to school during Passover and they try to stick to not eating humetz (bread) for the entire 8 days. I think it's been embarrassing for them through the years to bring matzo sandwiches and have kids ask them about it. Kids do say mean things about Jews and my kids have experienced that too.

This week and next, up until the surgery, will be like "matzo and more matzo" for me! You may know this already, but humetz (bread or any flour that has touched water and risen before being baked) represents the ego or arrogance or the belief you are separate from G-d and everyone and everything else. We are not supposed eat any humetz all Passover and not only that, but not be in possession of any humetz in our homes or anywhere else. (It's a huge spring cleaning experience for many Jews). Matzo on the other hand, is baked off before the dough has risen and represents humility and Oneness. So we eat matzo in preparation for the ultimate gift of receiving the Torah which happened 49 days after leaving Egypt. This time, we hope not to build a golden calf by Shavuos - 49 days from now when we celebrate receiving the 10 Commandments.

Going to surgery is like that 49 day preparation for me. I just have to go and leave my own wishes behind if I want to live without fear in the future. I have to surrender my own will and do what is being asked of me. The dreams have started about not wanting to do that and fearing to do that. This is going to be a challenging week.

So I'm scheduling lunch dates and tea dates and walking dates with friends. That's all I can do is connect with the love that's in my life and try to remember that when I get mad at Geoff - it's because I'm on edge right now and it's not about him. And it's not because I'm a bad person. Geoff can be a huge emotional support to me right now when I remember to use him for that and remember that I'm irritable and on edge for a very good reason.

One thing I always love to do during Passover that will be very healing for me this week, is go to Bailly's house on the 8th day - the last day. Of course she does everything anyone could ever do that could be a commandment for Passover. I see her actions as a super-committed spiritual practice that encompasses her entire life and am inspired though I don't do anywhere near everything she does. (Including, among many other things: covering over her kitchen counters with material so that the humetzdik counters won't leach into the pure kosher-for-Passover meals.) But anyway, the 8th day is the Moschiach's Meal where they finally dip some matzo into some water and say goodbye to Pesach and hello to the world to come.

Here's a quote about it from their site:
"Moshiach's Meal
The last day of Passover ("Acharon Shel Pesach") is particularly associated with Moshiach and the future redemption. The Haftarah (reading from the Prophets) for this day is from Isaiah 11, which describes the promised future era of universal peace and divine perfection. Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instituted the custom of partaking of a "Moshiach's meal" on the afternoon of the last day of Passover; in addition to the matzah eaten at "Moshiach's meal", the Rebbes of Chabad added the custom of drinking four cups of wine, as in the seder held on Passover's first days."

So let me know what your favorite ways to eat matzo are. My favorite is with a bit of cheese melted on top. Or with cream cheese and sardines with a sliced tomato! (My dad taught me that one.) Or with the chopped liver that Rosey gave me that I hope boosts my red blood cell count. Hope your holidays and seders went well.

Jewish Inspiration & Law & Order

Every once in awhile I go to Chabadbythesea.com and click on the multimedia offers. I like to listen to audio classes while playing Hoyle solitaire card games. Most of the time, I just search for topics of interest to me: prayer, sin, satan, why bad things happen, positive thoughts, reincarnation, angels, etc., etc. Other times, I just look up Manis Friedman and listen to whatever he has there of interest to me.

Today I went on there and listened to a wonderfully inspiring talk that I wanted to give you the link to - if you are so inspired. http://www.chabadbythesea.com/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/821394/jewish/Lifes-Four-Questions.htm It's titled, "Life's Four Questions - The Questions G-d will ask You," by Dov Greenberg. He starts out with the premise that Jews are not concerned with how to get to Heaven, but with how to bring Heaven down to earth. The four questions help to clarify how to do that with your life.

BTW, most of the time I spend my recovery watching TV, so don't think I'm a saint. Every once in a while I read or listen to these audios. But I'm also enjoying just watching TV and vegging. Lately I've added old reruns of Law and Order to my Food Network viewing and have figured out how to use Geoff's Tivo so I can skip through all the commercials. I think Law and Order is appealing to me right now because the bad guy gets put away nearly every time. It gives me a sense of order and the feeling that things happen for the best in life. It may also be validating for me the feeling I've experienced in this cancer battle: that people die all the time from situations beyond their control.

My sister-in-law, Wendi, also gave me a list of fun movies that I've been ordering through Netflix. Yes, I'm making the most of this down-time!

The Rabbi's Answer

I asked my rabbi to look at my post from last week: "Enjoying Life" and to please give me the Jewish answer to the question of where G-d's plan ends and my will begins. For example, is this disease my fault? And if it was G-d's plan, then what does "Tract gut vet zein gut" (think good and it will be good) have to do with my being able to control outcomes when G-d's controlling everything?

This is what he wrote me back to answer my questions (through email):

Rabbi Yochanan Friedman
to me

Hi allison,

Sorry for the delayed response.

In any case, here are my thoughts.

You know the joke about the fellow who is caught in a flood but refuses all the help that comes by saying, “G-d will help.” He dies in the flood and comes before G-d with a complaint. “Why didn’t you save me? I believed in you!” And G-d says, “I sent you three boats and a helicopter! Why didn’t you take them?”

An oldie but goodie and it's even relevant to this discussion.

So, here are my $0.02.

For starters, there are two words that are never appropriate in this discussion. They are “if only”.

If only I had had better thoughts…. If only I had gone to a different doctor…. If only I had been more religious… These two words are inappropriate because they are completely untrue, almost blasphemous. And this is where the joke is just a joke.

“If only” means that I think G-d may have intended for there to be a different outcome but I ruined His plans with my mistakes. That’s not possible. That’s taking far too much credit. “But how do I know it’s not my fault”? Well, you can repent for any poor choices you may have made. But that doesn’t change the fact that what was is exactly what was meant to be. Any pain that I had – provided it is in the past – was certainly meant to be.

The better question is what about the future? Can I influence the outcome from here on?

It is true that all that happens is G-d’s will. Nothing can happen outside of His plan. It is also true, as you write, that “tracht gut vet zein gut” – positive thought creates positive outcome. How do the two work in harmony?

You see, the “Tracht gut” method is no different than, say, going to a doctor or taking a vitamin. In G-d’s plan there are many ‘conduits’ for health. Good health can come through exercise or through the right supplements. Good health can also come through surgery or other more painful means. In much the same way, health can come in the merit of giving charity or through the blessing of a Tzaddik – or, by creating that health in your mind.

Different situations demand different actions to solve particular problems. Which action – or what combination of actions – will be the right solution for my particular circumstance? And how is that determined? The answer to that is, that’s where we defer to Divine providence. That is indeed predetermined.

In other words, whether you’ll be saved by the boat or the helicopter is not in your hands. You have to take the solution that Divine providence has set for you. How do you know which one it is destined to be? Well, you don’t. You just try your best and give every responsible option a try.

So, bottom line: Have a good doctor, eat well, take your vitamins and “Tracht gut” – and then “vet zein gut.” Why? Because any one of those could be the ‘vehicle’ through which G-d intends to deliver your good results.

I would expect that all this creates three questions for every one answered. But that’s the Jewish way. Let’s keep studying, and enjoy the journey as much as we hope to enjoy the destination.

I look forward to your feedback.

Best wishes and Zei gezunt!

Yochanan

Enjoying Life

I'm enjoying my life this week. I just love the sound of the birds in the morning. And I'm really enjoying our warm weather - even though it means we'll be water rationing soon. I'm also appreciating my friends. And I'm especially enjoying being able to eat whatever I want and whatever the rest of my family's eating.

I know that I'll have some difficult times ahead but for now, I'm enjoying the moment. One thing I've been able to do better is to set aside the thoughts about how I created this problem. It's my old new agey mind that goes there and brings me down - because you know, "you create your own reality" is that new age motto. One old friend of mine told me to read Loise Hay because really I'm not sick at all and it's all in my beliefs. So as I get better at not blaming myself for my predicament, I will be able to write you about how I think I ended up here - as far as how long I knew something was wrong until the time I got it diagnosed.

But for now, I'll share with you a Daily Dose that helped me get the right perspective. It helps me to remember that my life is in G-d's hands and my intention is the only thing that is in my control. My intention is where my free will comes in. (My rabbi once told me this.) Does my intention effect my attitude? Is even my attitude out of my control? And how close are my thoughts to my intention - or is my intention deeper even than thought and feeling. I have to discuss this further with my rabbi because I'm not totally clear on how far my intention reaches.

Anyway, I had the following come into my inbox the other day (it's the Daily Dose).

Know Your Strength
By Tzvi Freeman

From your challenges you may know your strengths.

You did not make yourself. You did not choose your parents, nor did you design the environment that nurtured you.

The One who brought you to this world, who knew you before you were conceived and who fashioned you in the womb -- He knew intimately all the challenges you would meet, your faults, your struggles. He was the one who designed they should be there.

And for each brick wall, He provided you a ladder. For each chasm a bridge. For each mountain a deep reserve of superhuman strength to surprise even your own self.

When one of those challenges arises, you need only imagine what it must take to overcome -- and you can be confident that strength is within you.
____________________________

That Daily Dose makes the viewpoint of "you create your own reality" seem pretty arrogant. Though there is a Yiddish saying that I love: Tracht Gut vi Zein Gut - Think good and it will be good. So maybe the two sayings are not so far apart as I imagine. I just feel much better when I let myself off the self-blame hook and instead see how G-d has chosen the perfect challenge for me to access the strengths that I know I need to access in this lifetime.

So I look forward to my next round of chemo, a week from this Wednesday (my 4th with only 3 or 4 more rounds) and I am going to make the most of this week of feeling normal again.

Thanks so much for participating in this carepage with me. Thanks for being part of the ladder and bridge I've been given for overcoming this brick wall. I've been thinking lately that this brick wall I've been given is better than some of the others I've heard about and could have to deal with instead...