Friday, August 28, 2009

I've Got Boobies!!!!

I'm so happy. I didn't realize how much I'd missed having breasts until I went today and tried on some prostheses. Wow! I started to tear up when I felt one in my hand. I hadn't had that feeling in my hand for a long time! They felt so real.

It's crazy. Never before did I ever care about my breasts or think twice about anyone else's. But since being diagnosed, I see breasts everywhere. At first I felt a longing and a sadness just watching TV...cleavage all over the place. Mine were going to be taken from me and I didn't understand the depth of what they meant to me. I do miss them in many ways.

I can't stand to see cleavage these days. It seems like it's the style now - more than it has ever been before. But is it more the style now or is it just that now I'm noticing it more? I never really liked seeing cleavage and only showed my own on wedding day - though I regretted it ever since. Maybe I'm just a prude but it always bothered me to see other women's breasts sticking out of their clothing. It's like, hey, I wasn't interested in what your body looks like, so excuse me, but keep them to yourself!

Now I realize there was something of some jealousy there. Occasionally, I would enjoy seeing cleavage and thought it made someone look more beautiful. So I think I was just jealous and wanted to look as good and knew that I couldn't - or thought that I couldn't. Or maybe I just wouldn't do that to look better...

Wanting breasts is all very new to least consciously. Maybe once I started developing, I never felt the need to want them. They grew and they made me feel beautiful and so I never needed to long for them. I'm realizing how it must feel for women who don't have large ones. Maybe they always feel a longing of some sort. Maybe they always feeling less than.

Beauty is such a weird thing and women have to deal with so much pressure on that front.

Anyway, I'm happy because I don't feel trapped anymore. I don't have to put up with the aftermath of breast canSer as much now. My hair growth isn't controllable but looking busty is.

Someone told me this week that she was so angry after being diagnosed, that she went to yard sales buying plates just so she could break them. She'd have a breaking plates fest and get all her anger out. After it was over, sweeping it all up and throwing it out had a healing effect on her too.

I couldn't relate to the anger part. I don't think I've felt the anger yet. Instead I mostly feel frustrated and trapped in this predicament - mostly just not liking the short hair and the flat chest and the constant worries about recurrence, diet, exercise, ct scans, etc. Instead of anger, guilt hit me hard at the beginning, so maybe I turned the anger inward. I know I gave G-d the cold shoulder which could be as far as I get to expressing anger...of course, Geoff would disagree with that.

The anger will probably come with time since I never thought I'd be happy getting prostheses and look at me now. I'm even wearing them in this hot weather we're having today...but then again, it's just my first day and I can't wait for the kids to get home from school to see the old me! Aimee can put her head on my chest again!