My Re-Birth Day

B"H

"Sivan 4, 5769 * May 27, 2009
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C O U N T T H E O M E R R E M I N D E R
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Dear Friend,

Tonight, Wednesday night, May 27, 2009, we count forty-nine days, which is seven weeks of the Omer.

For detailed instructions on how to count the Omer, blessing text, omer calendar, and more information, go to: http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=A74EAEDD00117F75EA6A8C597F7C6226&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Now that we have concluded the counting of the Omer, we will resume this subscription next year, please G-d. We would like to invite you to take advantage of many of our other free subscriptions, all available http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=418AB5E46DE3B994F04AEC74DAFA0C7C&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Shavuot,

Chabad.org

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A Spiritual Guide to the counting of the Omer
Forty-Nine Steps to Personal Refinement
Courtesy of www.MeaningfulLife.com
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Day Seven of Week 7
Malchut of Malchut

Examine the sovereignty of your sovereignty. Does it come from deep- rooted inner confidence in myself? Or is it just a put-on to mask my insecurities? Does that cause my sovereignty to be excessive? Am I aware of my uniqueness as a person? Of my personal contribution?

Exercise for the day: Take a moment and concentrate on yourself, on your true inner self, not on your performance and how you project to others; and be at peace with yourself knowing that G-d created a very special person which is you."

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Well, we made it through the counting of the Omer and now we get to celebrate Shavuot and the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Bailly's going to have a dairy food party at her home on Friday at 6pm where we get to hear the rabbi read the 10 Commandments out loud. Today's counting instructions seemed so perfect for my re-birth instructions.

It was so nice to have Bailly put together a party for me. Stef and Doris and Margie helped her that morning. I was grateful to all of them and to all who were able to attend. I had anxiety about having invited too many people and about what I was going to say besides thank you to them all. I even picked at a pimple on my face due to my anxiety which then made me worry even more about how I was going to look. Everyone told me I looked great and everyone had a seat and there was food enough for many more.

I felt ok about what I ended up saying. Luckily I got to rehearse it with Sharol that morning. I basically said that I wanted to say more than thank you but didn't know what to say so I looked at the parsha for the week which is about counting the Jewish people before they got the Torah. Some interpretations say that G-d of course knows how many people were there, but the purpose of the counting was like how we count our own jewels. Relating that to my journey, I realized how much I count because of the uniqueness of who I am. Like the instructions for tonight's counting, I have a purpose to G-d in this lifetime, a "personal contribution" and am feeling more and more that my mission has not been accomplished just yet. It's not about performance, it's about specialness. And so it also relates to how special each of you is to me and how differently I've counted on each of you for the support you have given me throughout this journey that I've been on.

My birthday on the Jewish calendar is the day after Lag B'Omer which is the day in Jewish history when the students of Rabbi Akiva stopped dying from a plague (2nd Temple times). So relating that to me, I realized I've been through the plague and I am still alive and G-d-willing, will continue to live for many more years to come. I wonder if the fact that my birthday lies within the counting of the Omer makes me the kind of person who is always searching for ways to refine my connection to G-d and to my own true essence. (For example, I noticed before writing this that the message count on this site is up to 770...and every chabadnik will understand what I mean when I write that...even though I am still wondering what it all means on a deeper level in relation to what I am writing in this very update.)

So having that party, as much as I debated whether to do it now or not was important to me. Somehow it helped me to mark the end of chemo and surgery and feel like I have accomplished something...and ended something (though it never feels like the end of this). This diagnosis never ends even after your treatment ends so having a party to validate an accomplishment was healing for me.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling more tired than previously. Maybe I was just on a high before with my parents here and the party or maybe I'm just tired from all of that. I had a dream last night that I was pushing myself too hard and ignoring my illness. So I am trying to slow down and remember I'm still recovering from a big surgery.

I wore my bare head during a client session yesterday. With the ortho sleeves and long sleeves over that, I was so hot that I didn't care how I looked. It's funny how I felt before getting this surgery compared to how I feel now. I just want to be comfortable and there is no comfort for me with these darn ortho sleeves. So I really don't care anymore what people think about my flat chest and very, very, very short haircut.

By the end of every day, I rip off my sleeves and breathe a sigh of relief. I know I should just be happy to be alive (and I am) but without the sleeves on, life is so much more enjoyable. My mom always called me "Princess and the Pea", so there you go. I am definitely a creature of comfort and very sensitive.

I've been letting go of the guilt more too. This disease happens to people who are really different from me! It wasn't my fault. Who I am and the mistakes I made and whatever hang ups I had didn't create this problem. How could it if so many others who don't have my hang-ups have this disease too? What a relief to be able to say that now, compared to where I was in the beginning.

Next week starts a new chapter in my treatment: radiation. I've got an appointment every week day starting the 3rd at 11:30am for 10 minutes. The receptionist told me I'd get to be friends with all the other gals who have the same appointment time. So it's calendula cream until my skin turns red and then it's aloe vera to prevent the blisters. Luckily it's all taking place on just my left side and not my right.

I hear radiation's not a big ordeal and maybe I WILL be able to have Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party on July 26th...radiation will be done a couple weeks before that.

Admitting Being Human

My updates from last week weren't very easy for me to write and post. It was an emotionally draining experience writing about emotionally loaded experiences. But I had to get it out and admit where I've been and how I ended up here. It was time to do it.

When I went to the Jewish women's program on Sunday, it was another chance for me to be seen hairless and human. It's not easy to go out in public and I am amazed that my clients are able to just focus on themselves and not get distracted by my appearance. Though I wear hats, I do look like a cancer patient.

So getting it out last week in writing was really an important step for me. It allowed me to confront that side that feels ashamed about being where I am. Then when I walked into the program on Sunday, I was immediately confronted by a very old friend who's kind of harsh who I really didn't want to have to tell how I ended up here.

Anyway, people do ask and I'm sure everyone wonders when they see me, what the story is. We all want to know: How did you find out? Did you feel something? Did the mammogram not catch something? And mostly, people just want to know the story so they can prevent it from happening to them.

It's just that it's been so darn hard telling people the story because I always want to say, "Well, this happened because I screwed up." So I told this old friend, "I thought what I was feeling wasn't what it was and then I should have gotten a mammogram earlier than I did." And after the look on her face, I went to find someone else to talk to!

I guess it will eventually get easier to tell people my story. Luckily I heard that the T allows some of your hair to grow back. That's great because even my eyelashes are nearly gone...

Next week is the T chemo on Wednesday. This week is the week of not feeling like I even had chemo a couple weeks ago. Just tired and weak, but that's normal for me! One of my friends tells me how great I'll feel after this cancer is gone from my body. I'm looking forward to it and the end is in sight.

Hope your week is going well too.

Letting Go of Shame & Guilt

Sorry this is so long...

When I was first diagnosed, it was during the days of Tshuva (return/repentance) between Rosh haShanah and Yom Kippur. I’m not anywhere near the most observant Jew and have struggled to become more observant through the years by (doing my best at – and sometimes not doing very well at) taking on another mitzvah each Rosh haShanah. Also during this time, I think about my sins of the past year and try to make amends with those who I feel I’ve wronged. But having this diagnosis during this time made the High Holy Days all so much more meaningful to me - and judgmental.

The first few days after diagnosis, I cried pretty non-stop. Not for myself and the horror of the treatment and the possibility of death. Instead, I cried out of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the sheer responsibility I took on for not getting this taken care of sooner because had I not waited, my children and my husband, and parents and siblings would not have to go through all this pain over me.

I called Doris who I met through Chabad and who is a therapist and who also has had some experience with this devastating disease. I told her how I couldn’t let myself off the hook for all the pain I was going to put my loved ones through. She told me something that really helped me that I will never forget: “This situation just gives us all an opportunity to show you our love more openly.”

My parents were in Ireland at the time and I remember emailing my mom the news in the possibility she might check email. I was very worried about calling her once she got home because I didn’t listen to my mommy and get a mammogram like I should have. My dad’s a doctor and I was also worried he’d be mad at me. (I got really young and small and scared about their reactions.) Luckily they were both loving and gracious when I finally talked with them and were just worried about me and didn't lay any guilt on me.

When I went to shul on Yom Kippur, the rabbis asked for my Hebrew name for the mishaberach. Being a few days after diagnosis, I was still in such denial that I thought, “am I really sick enough for that?” Then I started to wonder what the significance was of having a mishaberach on the holiest day of the year. Most people there knew about my diagnosis and during a break, I got lots of hugs. That was hard because I had finally stopped crying and the hugs just started it up again. Fred, one of the people I’ve known since Baily and Yochanon first moved to our town (he helped the rabbi while I helped Bailly), told me he wasn’t able to tell his mom about my diagnosis because he was afraid it would devastate her. His mom is Rosey (a good friend of mine) and she has called me almost every day since I got out of the hospital.

Anyway, because I was crying again and couldn’t stop, I didn’t go back into the services and instead talked to Bailly and Stefanie. I told them what was really bothering me (the guilt of not finding out sooner) and Stefanie (another therapist friend of mine who I met through Chabad) told me something that really helped and that I will never forget: “You could not have discovered this any sooner and the fact that you discovered it now is really great because I have seen such a change in you in the past few months. You are so much stronger than I have seen you and you are going to meet this with that strength.”

Stefanie and Doris have been among my biggest champions over the past few years. They are my friends and they are my mentors too. They both encouraged me to go back to counseling and offered their offices for me to work in. Stefanie is my age. Sometimes I look at her as the road not taken: no kids, practicing therapy for as many years as I would have had I not taken a break. Doris is my mom’s age and is a loving, beautiful woman who actually took me out for lunch after Jason’s Bar Mitzvah to celebrate “me” – the mother of the bar mitzvah boy! I am so grateful for these two women as I am for all my friends.

Anyway, through Doris & Stefanie & the rabbi & the audios by his father, Manis Friedman (on Chabad.org), I have been able to let go of the guilt (mostly). I recognize that I’m human and did the best I could with the personality and knowledge that I had. G-d sent me a “correction” which we all get from time to time. Corrections are gifts we get that we may label as “bad” but really everything is One and everything comes from G-d which makes it all good. That may be a hard concept to grasp, and that is what gets us into trouble and in need of correction and why we say the Sh’ma so many times a day. There is no Other, G-d is the only One. We may see our corrections as “bad” but they are really sad (and we may need to mourn), or they are devastating or a huge interruption, but in the end it’s all for the best and the correction helps in our tshuva to recognize Oneness again and realize it is all good.

I am grateful to have as devastating a correction as I’ve been given. It really motivates me in a way I may not have been motivated with a less devastating correction. I am also so grateful to have been diagnosed when I did and not before because I do believe I am better able to deal with this now than before and my kids are older and my practice is started and I reconnected with an old friend just weeks before diagnosis who I wouldn’t have had in my life prior to this. I am grateful to have this carepages which I wouldn’t have thought about 2 years ago without experiencing a friend who had used something similar. This carepages not only brings me joy & love through all the friends who log on, but encourages me to write about my thoughts during this challenge and make something good out of it. I may not like this correction from time to time and pray I will make the tshuva I need to make but I know in the end, I can only do my humanly best. And that's all I've ever been able to do.