Finding Our Way

"Dear Allison,
Here is your horoscope for
Tuesday, May 12:
Your mate gets bossy (or naggy) today, and while you can usually laugh it off when this happens, today it touches a nerve. It may be time for a sit-down chat where you both unload your feelings."

I got the above horoscope in my inbox today but it could have been sent every day for the past week. It's amazing that when it rains sometimes, it pours and just when you think you're going to have to deal with the worst thing and barely get yourself through it, other things happen to increase the stress. T.G. & Stef, I've set up meals delivered almost every day and despite all Geoff and I are dealing with, our kids are doing fine and seemingly oblivious and are a real source of love and laughter for me.

First it's Geoff's father falling and breaking ribs and needing to be in a convalescent hospital right before I go to have the horror of all horror surgeries. Then I find out the therapist I was going to start working with has cancer again (a different form now, is what I find out). Then Geoff has a photo sale at Farmer's Market while preparing for a trip to Marin for our niece's Bat Mitzvah and hears his Dad's got pneumonia starting (T.G. it's gone now). The sale is the worst he's ever done (though Aimee sold her only two photos in the first hour). And we get into an argument the night before which we haven't quite recovered from even yet. Then somewhere in between I get my news about the pathology report still having bad cells in the lymph nodes (which fortunately my radiation oncologist said was "just a small amount"). Oh, and by the way, on top of all that, I'm recovering from surgery. Remember? And going through the withdrawal from all those medications including chemo does a huge number on my mental state.

So when my good friend asked me if I was on an anti-depressant, when I thought I'd made it quite clear though this carepages that I had been on Celexa, I started to think that her question was a sign that I needed to increase my dosage. I was originally told I could take 40 mgs. and I was at 10mgs before landing in the hospital. That's when I increased it to 20mgs. Now I've increased it to 30mgs and am hoping that it helps me to deal better with all that's on our plates.

Stefanie came to keep me company while everyone but Geoff's dad and I went to Marin for the Bat Mitzvah. Stefanie and I had a fabulous time together talking, watching TV and eating the comfort food Bailly had brought for Shabbos. We watched a show I'd Tivo'd from the history channel called, "Exodus Decoded" that showed all kinds of scientific validation for the Exodus. It was lots of fun. Then we went to New Leaf Market and I got to bump into someone and pretend I hadn't seen her just tell her daughter not to stare at me. I'm learning to not take it personally since many people will not know how to deal with me and not know what to say.

The next day was Mother's Day and instead of feeling sorry for myself that I was by myself, I actually had a very good day. When I got out of bed in the morning, I made myself a cheese omelet with onions, tomatoes, salsa, beans and sour cream and pretended I was being taken out to a Mexican restaurant for mother's day brunch. Then I just enjoyed watching TV, got on the computer and talked for a long time to both my mom and sister over the phone. Everyone came home around 3pm and we had my mother-in-law over for dinner.

What's helping me besides Celexa? Well, I figured out how to read Psalm 119 in English but instead, I marked the prayer with the Hebrew letters so I can spell out Hebrew names like Bailly taught me and use "Shalom Bayit" at the end! (Let me know if you want me to email you which paragraphs are read for each letter). I also scheduled a session with a different therapist which gives me hope to work out how to separate myself from Geoff's stress so it doesn't increase my own levels. In addition, I've been on UTube watching Monkees and Bobby Sherman with a smile on my face. And the best thing I do for myself these days is watch my kids laughing and playing with each other and brushing their teeth and eating and doing homework and they fill my heart with joy and love.

I've taken showers and my new body is starting to become more familiar and less freaky. I also realize that I do look slimmer because of being flat and of course, that makes me feel good. I'm taking walks in the sun and that's cheering me too. I'm finally driving a bit and my pain is decreasing every day.

For those of you who are in contact with Geoff - just know he's going through a lot even if he won't admit it. He's trying to get his father back home but it does present a challenge. He's doing the best he can to support me, his mom, and his dad and our kids during the most trying time we've ever had to go through. It's amazing how strong he can be but the stress is evident.

Thanks to all of you for being there with us through this trying time. I know it's all for the best and we will just grow and become stronger from the challenges. And in the end, everything will just be better from all that we learn.

It's Finally Sunny!

It's a sunny day and I'm feeling better. I haven't gotten a blood test to check, but feel my counts are going up. It's so nice to finally get to open windows and sit out in the sunshine and breathe in fresh air. It's been raining here in Santa Cruz since the day I got chemo - 10 days ago.

I went through some depression around being ill and feeling sorry for myself that I can't go out to eat with my family. (Not to mention all the months I have to go through this, the surgery I'll have to endure and the interruption in my practice that I had just gotten started building only two months before being diagnosed - after a 10 year hiatus to raise children.) Plus, it wasn't easy knowing I was nutrapenic because that scared me silly. I did lots of praying and some crying and felt so lucky when Bailly came over yesterday and prayed for me again.

She retaught me this technique where you go to the book of Tehillim (psalms) and in #119, there are paragraphs where every line starts with a word that starts with a letter from the Hebrew alphabet. So it goes from aleph to taph in order. And what you do is read only the paragraphs that spell out your Hebrew name. So for example, you read the paragraph first where every line starts with the first letter of your Hebrew name and next go to the paragraph that starts with the second letter of your Hebrew name, and so on.

Then, depending on the problem you are praying about, you spell out a couple of more words after your name. For example, she suggested for my illness, to read the paragraphs that spell out the word, "kara satan" which in Hebrew means, "tear/rend satan". (Satan in Judaism is different from Christianity...but I can't give you a good explanation at the moment.) If I'm having problems with my husband, she suggests spelling out the word, "shalom bayit" which means "peaceful home". You can also spell out other people's Hebrew names, using ben (for male) or bat as necessary.

Bailly told me that this technique of reading psalms, not just number 119, helps to effect the "gezera" (decree) in heaven. She even has a tiny book she keeps in her purse and reads whenever she's got a moment - like waiting in line at Safeway! She watched her mother doing this all the time as she was growing up. Here's another interesting thing you can do if you want to: you can also read the psalm that's number corresponds to the year older than the age of your children - which is supposed to strengthen them and give them a blessing.

Anyway, I can read Hebrew but don't always understand what it means. So I have a Tehillim that has the translation of each word directly under the Hebrew word. It was very interesting to read it in Hebrew but understand what I was reading. After I was done, I felt I had pleaded my case quite nicely. I kept remembering what the rabbi once told me about why all those prayers were composed for us: when you stand before G-d, it's nice to have the perfect words to say! After I was finished I definitely felt better about myself and more sure of deserving G-d's blessing.

So either that praying I did or the sun today or the difference I feel in the lump (yay! I love chemo, even though I hate chemo) has uplifted my spirits. Maybe I'll even get to see some clients this Sunday and next week before then next round!