Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday and I'm 52. I'll never forget my 50th birthday party at Baily's right after my surgery. So it's easy for me to count how many years of survival that I've had so far.

For me, birthdays have always been days of doing whatever I want to do. This was easy before having children but now that my kids are grown up, I get to focus more on myself again. It's not that every other day of the year is not for focusing on myself but there's something about birthdays that gives me more permission to do whatever I want to do with my day.

"It's your birthday, you get to choose where we go out to eat." "It's your birthday, you get to have cake!" "It's your birthday, did you have a happy one?"

So, on my birthday, I give myself this permission. It's a special day, as if all the others aren't. I get to make all the decisions, as if the rest of the time I don't? I get to eat sugary stuff guilt free, as if the guilt must be present every other day of the year? I get to ask myself, "what do I really want to do right now?" every moment of the day. It needs to be MY day! And if I don't want to do something, I don't!" - as if every moment is supposed to be somehow much more important than any other day.

Since diagnosis, I've been living my life, every day, like each day is my birthday. So this year's birthday is not so different actually, from any other day of my week. Whenever I remember it's my birthday today, I stop and ask myself if I'm really happy doing whatever it is I'm doing at the moment, like I do every other day.

So this birthday, I'm getting to learn about how far I've come since diagnosis with the task of living a life that's stress free and meaningful. Each day is special and every day is about living and loving the life I have and the people who share it with me.

These are the changes I've made to assist me with that task:

1. I've cut my client load down to 4 days a week with no more than 3-4 appointments a day. I've got a calendar online where people can schedule appointments that only shows my openings so it's easier for me to keep to my boundaries.

2. I give myself permission to sit in bed with a cup of tea and a golden retriever in my lap, watching TV whenever I'm tired. And it's ok to be tired. I'm a bit anemic right now and went through a big deal a few years ago and now have a 13 year old daughter while working!

3. I make time to connect with my kids, my husband and friends on a regular basis.

Etc. (I could go on and on but these things are the most important to me)

I have implemented now permissions and priorities in my life so I can keep my stress levels down. This way I can have a birth day 365 days of the year for the rest of the time I have coming to me.

Getting Angry

I haven't been wanting to write because I have been depressed still and I feel like I should be over it. But today in therapy, I realized I haven't been angry. It helped to get angry about everything rather than just cry.

The Stages of Grieving are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I go directly to acceptance and then go back to depression and just stay there. This morning before going to therapy, I had a headache. After she encouraged me to be angry, my energy came up and the headache went away.

I think I just am not used to getting angry with G-d. When I first started to try to get angry in the session, it felt so phony. I just couldn't connect with that feeling. It's easier for me to be mad at a person than it is to be mad about a situation I find myself in.

Once I got into it though, there were many situations in my life that I got angry about. I'm angry I had to lose my breasts and I'm angry I'm still dealing with medications and I'm angry I have to lose my estrogen so quickly and I'm angry that the very things I got a handle on I have to now figure out how to deal with in another way and I'm angry I have to take more medications to deal with the Aromasin and I'm really angry that the Aromasin costs $326 for a 30 day supply and I'm angry that my insurance company has a $750 deductible for non-generic meds and I'm angry I now have to start paying for all my tests because my deductible is so high and I'm angry that Aimee has to deal with me losing my breasts just when she hits puberty and I'm angry I have to deal with losing my breasts just when my daughter hits puberty and I'm angry that I have to deal with the idea that I may have a recurrence and may have to deal with the fact that Aromasin may not even work...

Yeah, my energy gets up and then crashes again. Because I tend to go right to crying instead of being angry.

So this Purim, I'm looking at putting on a different hat by being angry rather than sad. It feels like a costume because it doesn't feel like me. Last year I had to put on a wig for Purim. Remember me as a blond? My hair's really getting longer now. And I'm angry I had to lose my hair!!!!

So if I can get really angry with G-d, maybe my cries for Moshiach can be really strong too. That's a good thing. Because as we celebrate Purim, we can't help but remember a not so distant past when there was no Esther or Mordechai and no miracles and so the villain did get to kill us - around 6 million of us. So I'm angry about all that too and just because we now have risen out of the ashes with the birth of Israel, I'm still angry that Israel isn't where it should be/could be and I'm angry it has to be in fear all the time. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We want Moshiach NOW and we don't want to wait!!!!!

The Bat Mitzvah

Aimee's Bat Mitzvah was enjoyed by all. Baily did a fabulous job helping me organize the food (actually, I helped her). Aimee did a great job delivering her speech and Jason was as charming as ever. Geoff was his usual funny self and even got serious a few times during his introduction which didn't leave a dry eye in the room (either from laughing or crying). The rabbi topped it off with an inspiring talk about what it means to be a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. And Geoff surprised Aimee with a DVD like the one he did for me with photos of her life all to the tune of "Golden Lady" by Stevie Wonder.

The food: we had teriyaki salmon, potato knishes, pesto pasta salad, a feta cheese and sundried tomato pasta salad, a caesar salad, a red cabbage salad with garbanzo beans, brownies and cake. We also had drinks and crackers and humous dip and olive dip on each table. We had to ask people to take food home at the end - there was so much.

The clubhouse at DeAnza is absolutely gorgeous. You can see it behind Aimee in the first photo I posted of the event. (all of the photos are posted on the invitation website - let me know if you need the link) The clubhouse has a view of the ocean. Geoff's parents live there which is how we were lucky enough to be able to use the place for the party.

Everyone came in and shmoozed and then we told them to go ahead a eat. Then Geoff spoke and after him, Aimee gave her speech (copied for you below) and then the rabbi spoke. Geoff spoke about the pride and love he has for his children and his gratitude for everyone who was there celebrating with us (around 70 people). He introduced family members and included me at the end - saying we've come out of the darkness and into the light now.

The rabbi's talk clarified why we celebrate the time when a boy or girl becomes an adult and why. The 12 or 13 year old develops a maturity that can understand right from wrong. Once a child can do that, he or she can then become a player in the game of life. The ultimate purpose of life is to build a better world - a place where G-d can Live.

I listened to a talk by his father a few days before the Bat Mitzvah. It is called, "Existence vs Life" and can be found on Chabad.org. He goes through the difference between merely focusing on your own existence and instead, living your life with the purpose of doing for others and for the world. When you are focused on your own existence, things like health, money, jobs, food, housing become important and your life becomes something you live in order to survive. Instead, living your life for the purpose that G-d intended for you - to help others and make this world a better place leaves your existence up to G-d and focuses you on what you are here to do. Very meaningful to me right now.

He explained that this is why we give the toast "L-Chaim" - which means "To Life". And why we give donations and Bat Mitzvah money gifts in multiples of 18. In Hebrew every letter has a numerical value and so the numerical value of the word "life" is 18. Judaism is more focused on this life than on the afterlife.

Anyway, I did get a bit stressed out after the Bat Mitvah was all over. I had to just sit in front of the TV and relax. I even was concerned I felt a cold coming on so I was reminded again that I am still in recovery and need to be careful. After rest and a good night sleep and some Chinese herbs: Gan Mao Ling, I felt better this morning and don't have a cold.

My dreams have been very symbolic lately. I had a dream last night that Stefanie gave me a Yad to write with. A Yad is a pointer that is used in some shuls for pointing at the words in the Torah during a Torah service. Instead of touching the holy scrolls, with your finger in order to keep your place while reading it outloud during the service, a Yad is used. In Hebrew "yad" means "hand". Anyway, I didn't want to use the Yad in the dream because it was too uncomfortable to write with.

But I do need to use that "Yad" because otherwise, I just get too stressed out and it's not good for me to do that right now. So a part of me is really glad that the Bat Mitzvah is behind me now and all I have to still do, that was a plan before the diagnosis, is to go to Hawaii!!! This week is Tisha B'Av and after Hawaii is my Jewish anniversary of getting diagnosed - the week between Rosh haShana and Yom Kippur.

Here's Aimee's speech:

Hello, thank you for coming to my Bat mitzvah. I’m so glad you could all make it. I am really proud to be a bat mitzvah. Today is a special day for me and so I am going to tell you a little bit about what a Bat Mitzvah really is and a little something about what interests me in Judaism-my Jewish name. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the food.

Bat Mitzvah means Daughter of Mitzvahs in Hebrew. At 12, girls are responsible for everything they do. So if I do something wrong, my parents shouldn’t take the blame. When the Rabbi asked me what was the most interesting that I learned in my Jewish studies I immediately thought-the story of my Jewish name.

In Hebrew School, the most fascinating thing I learned (besides that Jelly Beans are Kosher) is the story of my Jewish name. My full Jewish name is Chana Yahudit. Chana means graciousness in Hebrew. The story of Chana begins a long time ago in Israel. A man named Elkanah had two wives. One had many children, the other, Chana, had none and her rival taunted her because of it. She cried and cried because she couldn’t have children. Once, while visiting Jerusalem, she prayed to G-d for a child and as she prayed the High priest named Eli watched her. He saw that she was moving her lips but no sound was coming out of her mouth. Since there was no silent prayer at the time, he thought she was drunk and scolded her. She told him that she was praying from her heart and that she had had nothing to drink. “Go in peace and may G-d of Israel answer your prayer.” Eli said to her. The next year she was blessed with a son. That is where we get our silent prayer from. Chana teaches us to pray from the heart. Chana’s prayer was the first silent prayer and we continue to pray in this way today! I hope, just like Chana, I can be gracious and sincere because I want my life to have an effect on our world.

In Hebrew, the letters in Chana’s name are the same as the first letters of the Hebrew words for the three main Mitzvahs of a woman. These Mitzvahs are lighting candles, going to the Mikvah and, my favorite, making delicious Challah. Challah is bread that Jewish families around the world make every Friday for Shabbat. In the days when the Temple was still standing, Jewish families would bake bread and donate a portion of the dough to the priest, like the Torah commanded. This portion of dough was called Challah. Nowadays we symbolically take a tiny piece of Challah and burn it in the oven after saying a prayer.

Challah on Shabbat symbolizes the manna G-d would give us when we were wandering in the desert. Because we were hungry and didn’t have food, G-d gave us manna and it could taste like anything we wanted it to taste like. On Friday G-d would give us two portions to eat because on Saturday, Shabbat, it would be forbidden to gather food, so the manna would not appear; so Friday, we would gather two portions so we could have one the next day. This is why we have two Challahs on Shabbat.

Challah is different from regular bread because you braid it and put egg on top of it to make it shiny and beautiful. I picked Challah as my favorite Mitzvah because I love making it with my mom. She gives me a little piece and I make my own Challah. When I was little I was so proud of myself when I saw the finished Challah I had made. I love the smell of baking Challah. My favorite memory of making Challah was at Hebrew school. We were making Challah and learning how to braid it. I didn’t think I knew how to braid it so I waited for someone to help me. While I waited I started to play with it. Then, I didn’t know how but I just started to braid it. It was so easy I felt like I had braided Challah for years! I was so amazed at what I could do and by the time someone came to help me I had finished. It was a great feeling.

The second part of my Jewish name is Yahudit. I like the story because in it Yahudit is a strong and brave girl who saves the day. It all started in the town of Bethulia. A mighty Greek general named Holofernes, the head of a huge army, decided to make the Jews surrender by cutting off their food and water supply. The Jews were so deprived of nourishment that they decided to surrender after only five more days. Yahudit was the only person to not agree with this plan. She said, “Why do you test G-d, giving him only five days in which to send us his help? If you truly have faith in G-d, you must never give up your trust in Him. Besides, don’t you know that surrendering to Holofernes is worse than death?!” They all agreed but didn’t know what to do to keep them alive. “We must all continue to pray and never despair,” Yahudit told them, “But I have also thought of a plan, I will need your permission to visit Holofernes.”

At first no one wanted her to risk her life in this plan but then finally let her go. Then she tricked Holofernes into eating very salty cheese she had brought and after that drinking some very strong wine. As soon as he dropped on the floor, very drunk and asleep, she took his sword and cut off his head. She also did this to another general. She had saved the Jews. Imagine how brave and smart she must have been to face Holofernes. If we could all be that brave we could accomplish anything.

Well, that’s the end of the stories about the strong women I was named after. I hope you enjoyed them. Before I go, I would like to say a few thank you’s. As I look around this room I see my family and friends. I would like to thank each person in this room from the bottom of my heart for celebrating with me. I would first like to thank my parents. Mom and Dad, you are always there for me when I need you. Mom, you have been so supportive of me in everything I do and are always looking out for me. You taught me kindness, generosity and how to make a mean kuggle. We have been through a tough year and I glad you can be with me here today. Dad, you taught me how to laugh and how to make people laugh. You cheer me up when I am sad and you give me great advice that no one else can give. Jason, you are one of my best friends and a great brother. We have had so many laughs together. You are one of the best siblings I have ever had. Without you my life would be very boring. Grandma Lee and Grandpa Dan, thank you so much for being so generous in everything you do for me and for putting a smile on my face when I walk in your house.. Grandma Shelia and Grandpa Norman, thank you for flying out from southern Califoria to be with me. Thank you for making me always so happy when you come to visit. Uncle Paul, Aunt Wendi, Samantha and Joshua thank you for coming here from Marin, your attendance made this day even more special. Also, a BIG Thank you to Rabbi Yochanan and Bailey for teaching me all I know about my Judaism and for getting me ready for today. Without you this day would not be possible. For All my friends here today, thank you for keeping my life exciting. Thank you for being with me through this tough year and for making me laugh a lot. Friends are really important to me. And to everyone here today, thank you for celebrating with me on my Bat Mitzvah day. I would like you all to all know that each and every one of you is special to me and my family, may we have many more celebrations together!

Enjoying the Empty Nest

It does feel kinda guilty to say that we are enjoying the empty nest. It's surprising to me. I thought I'd be missing them. But Geoff and I are connecting more and don't have as many dishes to wash. Plus, the kids are having the time of their lives and I am incredibly grateful to Brad.

So my life is all about having fun planning the Bat Mitzvah. If you didn't receive an email invitation and want one, please email me to let me know. The count is already up to 56.

I have only 5 more days of radiation and then I'm done. I haven't gotten the fatigue that they told me radiation brings on. Maybe it's the acupuncture and Chinese herbs or the Celexa or maybe I'm just lucky this time around. Instead I feel energized and excited to be almost done with treatment.

You may be wondering how I feel now, breast-less. It's really no big deal. I'm getting used to how it looks and enjoy exercising without them. I also don't worry too much about how I look and no one has seemed to stare - like I was afraid they would. In fact, I feel freer since I don't feel like I have to cover anything up and can walk around without a shirt if I want to (especially with the kids gone). Every chance I get, I ask a friend if she wants to see my bare chest!

Funny story: Before Aimee left on the trip, I brought her toward me for a hug and put her head against my chest. Both of us forgot that I no longer had anything there and clunk! went her head against hard bone. I think it hurt her more than it hurt me but we got a laugh out of it.

Next day she told me that from now on when she hugs me, she's going to wear a helmet!

So other than the numbness from surgery and the redness from radiation, I'm healing well in every way. Though, I still sometimes wonder if I caught it in time and if the radiation did it's trick and if I will survive and if I'm just fooling myself thinking I'm going to be done with this soon...

On the 22nd, I will go to the oncologist again and talk about Tamoxifen or that other drug for women who are in menopause. I'll be on one of them for at least 5 years and maybe longer. So aside from regular CT scans, my treatment is nearly done.

I've got the energy now to eat more raw and cooked veggies - so that's another thing I'm doing to try to protect myself from recurrence or spread. Kale is my friend.

Tomorrow night we've been invited out to the Shadowbrook to eat dinner with another couple. Haven't done that in ages! (Thanks Doug!) So I'm enjoying my empty nest.

Hope you have a great July 4th.

Energy For Life Again

Getting out of the house every day to go to radiation has been energizing. My appointment is at 11:30am and most of the time, I'm done by noon. Perfect timing for doing errands or meeting a friend for lunch.

Then again, maybe it's the radiation itself that's energizing me like the energizer bunny.

It is kinda freaky to lie down and have this machine go on while everyone else scrambles out of the room. There are three different positions the machine moves into to shoot the radiation at my body. It takes about 3 minutes total. I've learned to put my mind on visualization or on anything else during that time.

The fun part is seeing those other women. I've learned that I'm lucky my tumor wasn't Her2 positive or I'd be in for yet another type of drip. I've also learned that even though I was so scared about chemo, my fear didn't cause my hospital trip. There's another woman there who she said she was as scared about chemo as I was. Still, she had no problem at all with her chemo and was able to get it every other week and every week towards the end!

My business is growing and in fact, it's the highlight of my week. So I have been missing Law & Order just because I'm rarely sitting in bed these days. Still, it's good to know when I start to feel tired, that I can sit down and just watch TV.

My exercise continues to be dancing and it's been fun. I've got a couple of dance exercise videos now. It's so nice to be able to have something I can do to get the sweat going that doesn't involve leaving the house or spending any money. Plus, I can do it any time of day I want to. It's just that the sleeves make me very hot. But I hear that eventually - maybe in another month or so - I won't need the sleeves anymore except for on a rare occasion.

So things are going better for me these days. I finally feel like the hard parts are behind me. I'm not afraid of how I look either. In fact, now when I hug people, I just get closer...tee-hee. And I think I do appear thinner. Plus, I really like just wearing undershirts. They're so comfortable.

Here's a tip for anyone who ever has to go through this: I discovered that the easiest way to stretch out my arms is to lie in bed, faced-down.

I noticed that since starting radiation, I've got sore jaw muscles on the right side. I figure it must be me grinding my teeth to just get through this last leg of the journey. My right side is holding the tension so that the left side can surrender and stay open to going through whatever it still has to go through.

So there's your update. Things are going better for me.

Reality Settles In

I suppose it took me 5 days to really feel what had been done to my body. I started to feel my body again and notice what had really occurred after going to the surgeon yesterday. Later that afternoon, I noticed that I could feel more without the bandages and the drains. I felt very vulnerable and the image of what I saw when he took off the bandages kept going through my mind. Then last night I had a very strange dream that seemed to go on forever.

Then this morning I was going to go to acupuncture but had it in my mind to get cleaned up first. The surgeon told me I could now take a shower but that felt intense to me. I love showers but I wasn't ready to have water falling freely where I'd been cut. There was this spray stuff they gave me to take home from the hospital that I could use to hand wash myself but the thought of a shower appealed to me more.

So I took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror to see if there was something under my arms that I shouldn't get wet or should be careful of. That's when I had the melt down. I told Geoff I couldn't see an extra scar where the nodes should have been taken. I freaked and called the surgeon but he wasn't available until tomorrow morning. Then I felt nauseous.

Geoff told me he didn't want me going out today. It was raining anyway and he wanted me to stop doing things and get back in bed and rest all day. By then I was crying and got into bed naked and tried to relax. Geoff told me he remembered that the surgeon said he got nodes on both sides yesterday. And that may be what tripped me up because I thought he was only getting them from one side.

After calming down I thought that I really wanted to get cleaned up. So I washed the compression bra that I need to wear and gave it to Geoff to put in the dryer while I used the hand wash to clean my body. It's great stuff and smells like baby shampoo and you don't have to rinse it off, so it's easy.

I felt so much better all cleaned up with fresh clothes and so I just sat and watched TV all day and napped. I read through my poem again and looked at the photos and collage I made to go with it and that helped. And I read through my goodbye letter to my breasts which I decided to copy for you below.

Then about an hour ago I got messages off my office voice mail...something I'd been putting off. There was a message from a reporter from the Sentinel asking to interview me for a piece for Mother's Day. That's when I remembered she had called me the very day I went in for surgery and I forgot she'd called. It was too late for Mother's Day but she still wanted to interview me and told me to gather names of people (not clients) who know about my work with mothers. (That's when I realized this article was going to be about me and my work and not just soundbites for a Mother's Day article.) So I told her to give me a week to gather my thoughts and apologized about having an emergency situation that prevented me from calling her sooner.

So far, everyone I've told this story to (aside from myself and one friend) is telling me that I should tell her about being a breast canser survivor. I never would have even begun to think of talking with a reporter already about that. It's too soon. Maybe one day I'll be open to working with this issue, but now? So that will be occupying my mind over the next week. Am I ready to go public with this? Or am I going to simply talk about mothers. Wow, I hope I feel up to this interview by next week.

My mother-in-law asked me today if I knew what "synchronicity" meant. The Sentinel calling me on the day I get surgery is an example of synchronicity to me. Breasts are such a double edged sword. They enable us to give to others with pleasure and yet at that very same time we feed our babies, they drain our every vital nutrient. They are both nurturing and deadly at the very same time. Goodbye breasts, hello mothers' needs.

Here's the goodbye letter:

Dear Breasts,

Thank you for being there for me for so many years.
You’ve helped me be attractive.
You’ve helped me nurture my babies.
You’ve helped me enjoy sex.
You’ve helped me quiet my babies, go back to sleep after being woken up, given me pleasure.
You’re now giving me a symbol to hang my dysfunctional behavior on.
I’m sorry you are having to take the fall for that.
But I’m angry at you for giving me cancer.
And thanking you for giving me canser.

You made it hard for me to say no to Geoff and caused me lots of insomnia due to my saying no to Jason and Aimee.
You stuck out too much and I never felt like I could hide you or protect myself from your attractiveness. You grew too big and I could never lose any weight. You’ve been too weighty and heavy and took part in making me depressed & unattractive.

But still, I will miss you. You are beautiful. You are soft. You are a part of me. You represent the soft, gentle, yielding, nurturing side of me. I don’t want my kids not to feel you when I give them a hug. I don’t want them to miss your softness. I don’t want to miss the way you feel and the feelings you give me. I don’t want to let go of my gentle softness or my nurturing. I only want to have some discipline around that so I can also be hard-nosed when I need to be.

I don’t want to believe that I have had to go through this over you… I never believed I would have to lose you. I don’t want to lose you forever. It’s unimaginable how forever means the rest of my life. Will I even live long? Will I live a long time without breasts? Has this canser spread? How long do I have?

I want to get rid of you to get rid of the canser. I hope you understand. Thank you for surrendering yourselves for my sake. Thank you for sacrificing your existence for the sake of my being able to live.

I don’t ever want to endure anything negative that comes along with having you in my life. Including the heat rashes. Including the weight. Including the grabs. Including the inability to say no. And I never want to have to face this disease ever again.

So I hope you can understand. I just have to get rid of you.

Thanks for being there for me all these years,
Melissa

Home Again

Hi Everyone,

I came home yesterday. Since I was doing so well, they couldn't keep me in the hospital! I suspect it was all your thoughts and prayers that saw me through this. When I woke up from the surgery, all I could feel was happiness - well, that and a bit of pain.

My doctor told me that I would look better than sentenced2live - at least the scars will be more symmetrical. He didn't think she had a very good surgery compared to what he's used to doing! Right now I'm just all taped up and have drains that I have to empty and measure.

I have very little pain. There's one spot under my left arm and towards the back that hurts and that's all. The pain meds just make me want to sleep all day. But it's better than feeling pain...so I take them.

Sleeping, watching TV, resting and eating. That's all my life is about right now. I feel none of the horror I thought I would, but I haven't gotten to see the scars yet either. Instead, I just feel happiness that those time bombs are gone.

Monday morning (tomorrow) I go see the surgeon and he might take out the drains.

Did you want to know what the room number was? It was 13. Death/Rebirth. Perfect.

Surgery Went Well

Hey Everybody,

This is Jason. My mom wants me to tell everyone that the surgery
went very well (sergeon said "delightful"). She is also feeling no
pain at all (probably from the drugs) and hopes to be home soon.
Actually in her hospital bed, she told me at least 5 times that she
is feeling so great and so happy that it is over with. She truly
appreciates all the love, support and prayers she is getting from
her friends and family.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

-Melissa's son Jason

Challenges Turn to Strengths

So I wrote my poem (see previous update) and wrote a good-bye letter and made a collage with my photos, my writings, magazine photos/words and glue stick. I felt complete. This week has been very healing for me because I've been feeling like myself again. I am ready for the surgery and am imagining how the new body will look and feel and it all seems ok.

There were many strange occurrences this week that helped me along. They were shocking things and yet I was able to find a way to gratitude that they happened. In fact, it was so strange that they happened in this week of all weeks that I couldn't see them as problems for very long...and instead had to go, "What the...is this all about? And why am I being confronted with this at this very time? What's the meaning and the lesson for me? How could this be supporting me through this time rather than making things harder?"

First, Geoff's dad, Daniel ben Bracha, fell and broke his ribs. He's ok, but in pain and recovering in a convalescent hospital. Geoff and his mom, Lee have been very busy and emotionally distraught. So my first reaction was to wonder if I could survive my surgery without Geoff's full attention. Next my feelings went to wondering if I could bare having Geoff needing more support than me...like it was a contest of who had the worst stuff to deal with. Then I started to see this situation as a blessing.

It's a blessing because I'm not going through chemo and instead am feeling stronger now. I can be depended on. I can drive Aimee and pick her up. I can make dinners. I can do more. I can actually be there for Geoff and it makes me feel even stronger. This situation happening right at this time has been helpful in strengthening my sense of myself and what I can take on.

It was the perfect way for Geoff to back down too because he is so strong and dependable that I might have found it easier to continue depending on him rather than on myself. In fact, I could now say Psalm 119 for someone else. Plus, Paul, Geoff's brother, is coming down from Marin on Wednesday to support their mom and dad so Geoff can focus on me and the surgery.

The second thing that happened was I finally met the woman who's my sister-in-support from WomanCare. We went out for lunch. And as we sat down, she started to put some hearing pieces into her ears. I asked her how long she's had a hearing problem and she told me since going on Taxol. The peripheral neuropathy can happen in the ears as well as the fingers and toes. I don't think it's been proven, but her hearing doctor has seen many patients with the same problem after chemo.

So I thanked her for not telling me about that until I was done with the Taxatere (which is similar to Taxol) because I would have been so fearful. And I got to feel grateful for not having any permanent damage from all I went through with the hospitalization. My colon isn't perfect, but I'm pretty much back to my old self and hopefully will just continue to get better as time goes on.

The third shock that happened was that a psychotherapist I was planning to work with after my surgery had a recurrence of her canser and won't be seeing clients for her many months of chemo. (I'm spelling it with the s now just to take the scary away from that word.) Hearing about her recurrence immediately brought up my own fears of recurrence and possible spread.

My first thought was that this situation coming up right now is telling me, "don't be smug and think you are going to be free of this disease." Fortunately, after talking with Sharol, she gave me the idea that instead, this was a reminder that I'm not going down the recurrence path myself. I've chosen a different route - miracles have happened and I'm no longer fighting recurrence of the many things that I was fighting for so long. In addition, I'm my own psychotherapist right now and I have tons of support. Maybe it's not even the right timing for getting outside support just now.

The fourth thing that strengthened me was that I kept hearing stories of women who'd had reconstruction but lots of problems afterward. So, of course, that made me feel better about the choice I was making.

Surgery is on Thursday morning at 8am. I should be done around 10 or 11am. G-d Willing. If you want to support me during that time, you could read psalm 119 for me or pray your own prayer for me or imagine me wrapped in a fuzzy blue or pink blanket of love or peace. Whatever works for you. I figure if every one of you picks a 10-15 minute slot between 8 and 11am PT, I'll be covered for the entire surgery!!!

I will show Jason how to get on this site and give you all an update by Thursday night. Then I'm expected to only be in the hospital for one or two nights and if I want to go home on Saturday, my surgeon said he can release me. Or I may want to stay longer, we'll see. So this may be the last update before the surgery unless I get inspired again.

I've been imagining being comfortable at the hospital and I can envision how my new body will look and feel. Can't wait to see what room number I'll get this time...4/30/09 works out to #9, the Hermit and completion again, so that's interesting. (See my update from Dec. 1 & 2, 2008 for what the Hermit meant to me during my last hospital visit) There's a bit of horror still there sometimes when I think of how I'll feel after the surgery, but I figure that will diminish as I get used to the new me and more important, no more worries since there should be no recurrence. So instead of horror, what I'm focused on now is a clear, clean, healthy, strong, energetic new body.

Struggling and Making Peace

I've been praying today for a way out of this gloomy mindset I've been in. I called the Katz center and talked with someone there about ideas for what I'll be wearing after the surgery. I'm not the kind of person who even likes to wear make-up and I'm really into comfort. So I can't imagine I'll ever consistently wear those heavy prostheses with a bra. I'd like to come out of this never having to wear a bra again! But that would look so different from where I am now...so obvious... So I did get reassurance that there were things I could get to wear in a camisole and was told where I could go to get those. (In fact they have them free at the Katz center like everything else!)

And what would be so bad about being flat now? What would be so bad about not having to wear anything?

Another thing I've done to work through this gloom and doom is to create some kind of letting go ritual. First I had Geoff take photos of what I'm going to be losing. Then I wrote a poem. I will put them together somehow with maybe some collage photos or some other kind of art.

So once I was done writing the poem (if you can call it a poem), I decided to share it with you.

The poem and my obsession with how I'll look afterward shows me how hard it is for me to just be visible as I am. I'm a survivor and will always be one. It has been near impossible to hide my status as a patient and for the rest of my life it will be obvious that I am a survivor...(at least to the people who know how I looked before).

My struggle surrounds not wanting to have people horrified to look at me. I know I can't control how others will feel or respond to me. But I've thought that I could for control that for a long time through being sweet and nice and easy to get along with and not asserting myself too much. My personality type as a 9, The Peacemaker wants me to fade into the wallpaper and be easy for others to be around. This disease was the perfect solution to push me out of the prison/security of my personality type.

Believe it or not, I'm a private person. You wouldn't know that being on this carepages all these months. But it's been a stretch for me to be so open with so many people but I've been determined to be that way because I think it's a way for me to heal. Writing this way feels semi-anonymous so it's an easy way for me to be myself with a large crowd.

Anyway, here's what I wrote today for my letting go ritual:

Goodbye to The Old Me

I went through the chemo and survived.
Now my hair is growing back.
But it’s still too short for Jason to even look at.
So I hide my head for his sake - even in this heat wave.
And now I’m going to lose my breasts.
I won’t be able to hide that.

How will I hug my kids?
What will they put their heads on?
What’s going to cover and protect my heart center?
No more cushiony, soft flesh standing between me
And possibly painful emotional attacks!
Will I feel vulnerable and exposed
Even though I’ll have nothing to expose anymore?

Funny how breast canser exposes your vanity.
There’s a deeper meaning behind that fact
That tickles me on a spiritual level.
But its complete significance stays just outside my grasp.
I’m afraid a flat chest
Will make my tummy look even bigger than it already does.
No more soft curves to take the eye away from my
Flaws.
No more long, soft locks, no more eyelashes…

Dig deeper girl, there’s more to you than meets the eye.
You don’t get to hide anymore.
No hiding behind the mask of beauty or the disarming gentle softness.
None of that truly protected you anyway.
Scratchy, noodgy wig gives you a mere semblance of
Normalcy – the only way you can deny the stark reality –
The only way you can get some privacy
The only way to keep from being seen as a canser patient
When that’s really what you are. Aren’t you?

Who are you really?
That’s what this diagnosis brings you to.
Who were you meant to be?
What do you have to offer this world?
Why should YOU live?
What is your purpose?
Why are you here?
And are you worth saving?
And more important, do you have what it takes to heal?

Well girl, are you going to stay hung up on appearances?
Dig deeper and find your True worth.
Dig deeper still and you’ll discover why you were born.
Dig even deeper and you’ll understand how to make
The Best of Even This.

No more bras.
No more saying yes when you mean no.
No more doing for others and pretending you want to.
No more heaviness.
No more disease.
No more fatigue.
No more migraines, depression, insomnia.
No more rashes during the summertime.
No more mammograms or fear of recurrence.

Just more freedom of movement,
More energy,
Better health,
Better commitment to exercise,
Better diet,
More love,
And a desire to give without feeling depleted,
An ability to stand by yourself
instead of worrying about what others think,
A renewed joy for living,
Plus some gratitude for getting a reprieve.

You get to live! (if it truly hasn’t spread).
Which you’ll find out after the surgery…
You’ll get to hear the final results.
And then you’ll have yet another cat scan
After the radiation.
After the trip to the North Shore, you lucky girl.
The chemo did the trick.
There’s a great possibility this will all be behind you.
You’ll get a second chance on Life, Chaya.
You get to do it right this time.

And you’ll never forget where you’ve been.
The scars and the new body will never leave you.
The hair will come back too slowly for you to get lost again.
The chest will look too different.
You won’t be able to forget.
You won’t ever be able to hide from your life again.

Your life, your feelings, your friends, your relatives, your family,
Your parents, your siblings, your husband, your kids, those
Nurses, those doctors, your soul,
This is all you have now. Nothing else is important.
You are loved.
You get to love back.
You get to be YOU.
That’s all that matters.

Surgery Postponed

I met with my surgeon this week and he had me down for surgery at 3pm on the 23rd.

I didn't want to be fasting all day going into this surgery so we changed the date to the 30th instead. It gives me one more week to recover from the last chemo anyway and more time to take the Chinese herbs that keep my immune count up.

The surgeon says that this surgery has very little blood loss which made me feel better. Just postponing it one more week has been such a relief. It's given me a chance to just be happy chemo is all over with before going into the next thing. I'm still tired from the last chemo and need an extra week to feel normal.

I've got lots of TV shows tivo'd and I plan to really rest as much as I can. Doris recommended resting up instead of what I was thinking of doing - organizing and cleaning up. If I feel energetic I will do some of that, but I just don't feel energetic right now.

I even skipped the Moschiach's meal at Bailly's. But I had a nice lunch there yesterday all by myself along with Stefanie. I enjoyed talking with the rabbi and eating Bailly's yummy, pure Pesach food. Bailly's parents were there too, from Crown Heights and it was nice to see them. Her father reminded us that matzo is the bread of faith.

My sister-in-law Wendi sent me a link with 3 videos by a woman who's an incredible inspiration. She's awesome and so cute in her journey with "canser". She's been on interview shows and written books and has a DVD - all of which I'd love to get for myself. Do check her out. If you like what I've been writing, you will flip over her. http://crazysexylife.com/press/videos/ Watching her videos reminded me of what the rabbi told me about Esther and how Mordechai told her that the Jews were going to be saved on Purim by someone whether she decides to step up to the plate or not.

He reminded me of that yesterday and said he was thinking of me when he spoke about it on Purim. I thought of the time I was asked to be PTA president for Westlake. At first I said, "NO". And after I went home and thought about it, I realized someone would be PTA president and I began to understand what was being placed in front of me. Not only did I fathom how it would help many of the transfers from Natural Bridges for ME to do it but how much it would uplift me to offer myself to that role. A job is placed in front of us and we get to either take it on with the best we have to give or we don't.

I'm glad I get another 2 weeks before I take on my next assignment.

Matzo & More Matzo

We enjoyed our small seder that we hosted at our home with Geoff's parents and our good friend, Jerry. Having Jerry there really gave me a lot of energy and made it a very special night. Jerry's been one of my supporters here on the carepages from the beginning of my journey. I wore one of my blond wigs and felt like I was normal again.

This has been a difficult week in some ways. One way had to do with finally telling the kids that I was going to have mastectomies. Geoff and I were not on the same page with whether we should tell them or not. I wanted to and thought it was the right thing and best for them and best for me. Geoff didn't want to devastate them. It took awhile before he was ok with the idea. It helped when he called the Katz cancer center at Dominican hospital and asked for their opinion.

When I did tell the kids, they were devastated, of course. Luckily, I told them before they had to leave for other things which helped to get them off the subject and back into their own lives. Unfortunately, I was left home alone, crying over how much I have to put my kids through. I decided it was the right time for me to put in the DVD that Wendi had recommended, "13 Going on 30". It did the trick. I really enjoyed it and was able to take my mind off of the depressing thoughts.

Later that evening, Jason, Aimee and I played some board games together and did a puzzle (thanks, Glenna). We were playing one game and Aimee kept rolling the dice and not getting to move time after time after time and it made us all laugh hysterically, so hard our bellies hurt! It just reminded me that we are all resilient and will make it through all of this. I just didn't want to have to hide something from them that would be so obvious. I was reminded by a couple of friends that playing those games and laughing was probably a release from the tension of hiding this from them.

(Maybe I should tell you what I said when I told them about the surgery because this could be useful to someone else sometime. First I told them that in 2 weeks I'll be having surgery and I'm looking forward to getting all this treatment over with so we can go on with our lives. Then I told them that Daddy and I decided that the best way to make sure I never get this cancer again is to have my breasts removed. Then I said that there were things I could wear that would make me look normal most of the time. Then I stopped and asked them if they had any questions. I will leave their reactions out of this to protect their privacy. But I did tell them that this was a 2 hour surgery and that the surgeon said it was the least complicated one that I could have and makes it most likely that I'll never have to face this disease again. I also told them that it was easy because there are no muscles in the breast and they are outside the body and they won't have to go inside my body to take away all the cancer. I answered their questions as best I could without going into too much detail but had to be reminded by Geoff to stop when I went into what didn't need to be told. Then I told them that they could always ask me anything they wanted and I would not be embarrassed or feel bad. Then I reminded them that if they couldn't talk to me, they could talk to Dad and if they couldn't talk to either of us, I named adults they knew that I thought they'd be comfortable talking to.)

So this Passover I've been motivated to try different recipes using matzo meal and potato starch and matzo farfel - for the kids sake. I made some muffins, popovers, and granola. The kids always go to school during Passover and they try to stick to not eating humetz (bread) for the entire 8 days. I think it's been embarrassing for them through the years to bring matzo sandwiches and have kids ask them about it. Kids do say mean things about Jews and my kids have experienced that too.

This week and next, up until the surgery, will be like "matzo and more matzo" for me! You may know this already, but humetz (bread or any flour that has touched water and risen before being baked) represents the ego or arrogance or the belief you are separate from G-d and everyone and everything else. We are not supposed eat any humetz all Passover and not only that, but not be in possession of any humetz in our homes or anywhere else. (It's a huge spring cleaning experience for many Jews). Matzo on the other hand, is baked off before the dough has risen and represents humility and Oneness. So we eat matzo in preparation for the ultimate gift of receiving the Torah which happened 49 days after leaving Egypt. This time, we hope not to build a golden calf by Shavuos - 49 days from now when we celebrate receiving the 10 Commandments.

Going to surgery is like that 49 day preparation for me. I just have to go and leave my own wishes behind if I want to live without fear in the future. I have to surrender my own will and do what is being asked of me. The dreams have started about not wanting to do that and fearing to do that. This is going to be a challenging week.

So I'm scheduling lunch dates and tea dates and walking dates with friends. That's all I can do is connect with the love that's in my life and try to remember that when I get mad at Geoff - it's because I'm on edge right now and it's not about him. And it's not because I'm a bad person. Geoff can be a huge emotional support to me right now when I remember to use him for that and remember that I'm irritable and on edge for a very good reason.

One thing I always love to do during Passover that will be very healing for me this week, is go to Bailly's house on the 8th day - the last day. Of course she does everything anyone could ever do that could be a commandment for Passover. I see her actions as a super-committed spiritual practice that encompasses her entire life and am inspired though I don't do anywhere near everything she does. (Including, among many other things: covering over her kitchen counters with material so that the humetzdik counters won't leach into the pure kosher-for-Passover meals.) But anyway, the 8th day is the Moschiach's Meal where they finally dip some matzo into some water and say goodbye to Pesach and hello to the world to come.

Here's a quote about it from their site:
"Moshiach's Meal
The last day of Passover ("Acharon Shel Pesach") is particularly associated with Moshiach and the future redemption. The Haftarah (reading from the Prophets) for this day is from Isaiah 11, which describes the promised future era of universal peace and divine perfection. Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instituted the custom of partaking of a "Moshiach's meal" on the afternoon of the last day of Passover; in addition to the matzah eaten at "Moshiach's meal", the Rebbes of Chabad added the custom of drinking four cups of wine, as in the seder held on Passover's first days."

So let me know what your favorite ways to eat matzo are. My favorite is with a bit of cheese melted on top. Or with cream cheese and sardines with a sliced tomato! (My dad taught me that one.) Or with the chopped liver that Rosey gave me that I hope boosts my red blood cell count. Hope your holidays and seders went well.

Getting Ready for Last Chemo

I need to clear off my desk today and am finding lots of other distracting things to do like this update and putting up the photos of my Grabelle side of the family. Mom just went back home today which makes it appropriate to post her side of the family. We had a great time with her and it was really nice to spend it with her all by herself.

Jason enjoyed laughing with his grandma about the show, "The Office" which they both love. Both Aimee and Jason got to buy some new clothes. We all enjoyed Greek food, seafood, and Thai food. Jason and Aimee went out to the movies with Grandma while I saw my clients. And Geoff and I got to have good conversations with her. She left with a smaller bank account but her cup full of my family.

The topic of mastectomy without reconstruction is an ongoing theme in my life these days. I thoroughly explored that "sentenced2live" website with the photos. She's some woman. If you try to find photos of the result of this surgery online, you won't find anything with a face on it. She was determined to make that change and wrote that when she was taking those photos on the beach, the lifeguard drove around her several times trying to decide whether to tell her to put a shirt on or not!

Seeing her photos of before and immediately after the surgery along with her 4 years later on the beach were very empowering as well. I know I'm not going to be as beautiful, shapely or young as she is, but her photos gave me the thought that I might not be so hideous as I thought I'd be. And I've been posing in front of the mirror, lifting them up and covering them to see just what it will look like.

I don't want to go through any more surgeries so I thank you all for not trying to convince me to have reconstruction. My mom proposed the question: if Geoff died, G-d forbid, would I want to look good (have reconstruction) in order to attract another husband? I said, if he was gone, I'd rather live alone than remarry! And if I change my mind, I would hope that whoever I was attracted to would accept me as I am! And I do know someone who did find someone just like that...

Anyway, if I ever change my mind down the road, the reconstruction doesn't include silicone-filled bags inside your body. It includes a big surgery that would actually work much better since it includes using your own body to make fake breasts. And they use your belly fat! Wouldn't that be nice to get rid of?
But they also take skin from your sides and maybe your back and your belly - it can take 8-12 hours of surgery or more. It doesn't sound like the easiest thing to recover from and besides, you still have to get tatoos for nipples and still have completely lost any feeling and prevent yourself from being able to easily feel a recurrence if it ever happened. So no thanks.

I went to Horsnyders and got a camisole with cotton-pillow-fake-breasts. I also got arm sleeves to prevent Lympedema - to be worn after surgery. When I fully recover from the surgery, I'll go back there and get some real prostheses which my insurance will cover. Who knows if I'll wear them or what I'll eventually do. I never thought I'd wear a wig and look at me now. I've been wearing one all day for the past 3.

My hair's coming back in. I've got a 1/4 inch layer all over my head. My eyebrows are starting to come back in too. One day all this will be a memory. The end is coming soon. I just hope I don't mentally go back to my old self and instead bring what I've learned forward with me. It's a windy, but sunny day today (oh, maybe I just had allergies and not a cold!) and I look forward to completing my last chemo on Wednesday and starting the last difficult part of this whole experience.

My visualization cd is helping me prepare by visualizing those competent people who will help and assist in the surgery, seeing my body cooperate fully by hardly bleeding at all and recovering and healing quickly and easily. I'm reading a book called, "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster" subtitled, "A Guide of Mind-Body Techniques" by Peggy Huddleston. It's giving me lots of new insights.

One of the new insights has to do with saying goodbye to this part of my body. I really understood what my breasts represented to me after reading this book while waiting in the car for Mom & the kids to shop. My breasts represent the part of me that gives and gives to others without thinking about what I need for myself. This also means they represent my difficulty in saying no and setting limits when I feel like I need to be there for someone else. They are very happy to be released from those obligations and I'm so ready to let those ways of being go. I'm exhausted and depleted from that stuff. I'm over it. I'm grateful that I can allow a body part to represent that for me because it's the ultimate in letting go rituals.

I appreciate having had the willingness to nurse Aimee until she was 3. I appreciate having a personality that is so able to be there so completely for others in a nurturing way. It's one of my strengths as a therapist. And I appreciate the recognition that part of my healing is to be there as completely for myself. And it's definitely a communication learning experience for me to be honest and say no and yet stay connected to people.

(My personality type on the Enneagram is #9 which you can read more about here. It's a fun system and you can learn more about your own type too. I use this system in my practice. If

you go there, let me know what you think your type is.)

Ok, on to cleaning off my desk and the last week that's the beginning of the end of this chapter of my life.

Beautiful Photos of Bilateral Mastectomy

Just in case you were wondering...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sentenced2live/sets/72157594534895235/show/

I was looking for something to show Geoff and these photos were perfect. I said to him, "Wanna see some photos of a topless woman?"

Fighting Off a Cold

Wish me luck for fighting off a cold. I've had sneezing and tickling in my nose and low energy and some depression. I slept it off yesterday morning and missed my weekly get together with Bailly. I increased my Marrow Plus and found the symptoms going away. Today I go to Acupuncture to hopefully put this virus behind me. My nose has stopped tickling and my mental state is a bit better though I lost some sleep last night worrying about getting sick and not enjoying my 3rd week of usually feeling better and contemplating the looming surgery.

It was really hard for me to completely stay away from Aimee this time. She had a bad one with fever. It's in my nature to be the healer for this family and especially for my kids and it just kills me to hold myself back so I don't get sick. (I was cocky too since my white count's been normal.) Geoff's great about being the hard-nose to get her to drink fluids. He's good at the hard-edge style of parenting. But I'm the nurturer.

Which reminds me of seeing my clients this weekend. They did like my wig. (But of course, would they tell me if they didn't?) Still, the new client I saw didn't know it was a wig - so that tells you something. Aimee helped me decide which wig was the best for me out of the 4 free ones I've been hoarding. And truthfully, I did think she picked the best one. I felt like Bailly in it. (And that says a lot because she has a really good sheytle - not a free one.)

Anyway, back to the colds. I got a cold prior to my first chemo and so I'm thinking that could be one of the reasons I'm fighting one off now...the surgery looms. Stress from anticipation anxiety gets me many times. I have one more chemo and that only means I'm looking at surgery. And as much as I tell myself that I will lose 6-8 pounds once these are gone, and I will never have to wear bras again, and never have to have rashes during the summertime and am looking forward to getting to eat the hospital food that I couldn't touch last time, it's still my body and it's still surgery.

When in a depressive mood, I do go to thoughts like, the surgery is irreversible and what if they come up with a cure in the near future? Am I making the right decision? Am I going to one day regret not getting reconstruction? Will Geoff be repulsed by me? Will I be repulsed by myself? Are people going to be repulsed if I happen to go without falsies and look completely flat there? Will I handle the pain and the phantom limb feelings? Am I going to be able to handle the drains? Will I be able to do what it takes to get my arm motion and strength back? Will I get lympedema? (Sorry to be so honest about all of this because I know it's not so pleasant to read about this stuff.) And I don't need any advice on it unless you've gone through this yourself and can share your experience with it...after the next chemo (April 1st) I will be meeting with the surgeon to get my questions answered and I know I will eventually find my way through all of this stuff as I have everything else.

G-d sent me a Law and Order that was about breast cancer. I watched it last night. McCoy wanted to nail a healer who was giving women hope that they wouldn't have to have mastectomies. Instead they just died. I realized that was my answer to a prayer about helping me get the right perspective for the surgery.

So I'm looking forward to getting my new guided visualization cd from my acupuncturist today and taking a nap on her acupuncture table and talking to her about our kids Jason and Jake. Belleruth Naparstek also has a cd for surgery (among her many other fabulous cancer support guided visualization cds). They are really wonderful with such positive affirmations on them.

The birds are still singing and I can hear a wood-pecker and it's another beautiful day in Santa Cruz. My mom's coming to visit on Friday all by herself and I'm looking forward to some one on one. It should be good, warm weather for her and I should be feeling healthy and strong and up for all those restaurant meals. I'm also scheduling lots of free massage and did I tell you that they also offer free massage to family members? So I've got to get one for Geoff too.

The Surgeon Weighs In

I had another easy chemo with only one day of pain and am planning to see my clients on Thursday and Sunday of this week. I think it's the neulasta shot that brings on the incredible pain all over my upper body around my lymph nodes. It's a shot everyone gets the day after chemo that is supposed to increase your white cells by pulling them out of your bone marrow. Everyone told me about bone aches with this shot, but I experience pain in the base of my head, my throat lymph nodes and my upper arms. So again, I am unusual where it comes to immune stuff.

We went to check in with my surgeon today. I always enjoy seeing him. He's very calming and seems like he knows what he's talking about from all his experience for so many years. His office is really not much. Makes me wonder if he doesn't need to make it fancy due to his reputation in this town.

Anyway, my biggest question to him today was: is it better for me to get this surgery now and get rid of the potential for these cells to travel elsewhere and then finish up with the chemo after the surgery to clean my body out? He told me it doesn't work that way. It's better to continue on with the fight, rather than take time off for surgery and let those wayward cells multiply. That perspective really helped.

It also helped when while he was checking me, in astonishment, he called over Geoff. I wasn't sure if he was going to have Geoff check me too or what! Instead, he just showed him how small he thinks the center of the tumor is right now compared to how it was when I first came in. He said the word, "2 centimeters", which would make it less than half it's original size. What had been tripping me up in my own checks was that there's so much scar tissue. He knows the difference between what scar tissue feels like and tumor feels like.

The other thing he settled more in my mind was the option of having a lumpectomy vs. a mastectomy. Even tho the lumpectomy sounds so much better, I have more chance of recurrence in that side due to it's size. Knowing my history, I'm not one to have to deal with continually checking and wondering. So I'm more settled to having double mastectomies. Though the right side could be saved, it too had a nodule and I don't want to have to worry about recurrence - at least the lymph on that side don't need to come out. The lymph on my left side do need to come out since the sentinel node was positive...which is worrisome but gives me more of a chance of not having recurrence.

So I'm getting ready to tell my entire mammogram story from when I got my first one at age 37 to what the heck I was thinking that led me to not getting anymore until age 49. Stay tuned for the next update sometime this week...

Stressful Week

I've had a stressful week. Warning! If you only want to read positive stuff from me, re-read my last email to you! And if you want to send me email telling me to stay positive and upbeat, please don't. It just makes me feel worse. I am as positive as I can be and I don't want to believe that having negative feelings from time to time is going to effect my progress or outcome either way. I do want the freedom to express all of my feelings and that may sometimes mean the negative ones.

So this is why my week was stressful:

1. I was having second thoughts about my oncologist. Several things occurred:
- the MRI assisted biopsy changed from Friday to Monday due to the oncologist's office not being on the ball
- she told me why she thought I'd need a mastectomy over a lumpectomy in her view of things (which painted a horrible picture in my mind when the surgeon painted a positive picture of great response to chemo and then a lumpectomy)
- she overlooked my need to get a port put in so my surgeon had to scramble to find a time at Dominican last minute and now I've got an appointment at 3pm on Friday (which means I'm fasting all day -the anticipation of which is causing me more stress and was totally unnecessary had I been informed of the need for this port even a couple of weeks ago)

2. Because of the last minute need to put in a port at an inconvenient time when Geoff wouldn't be able to take me home from the hospital, I had to get over my uneasiness of asking Doris to take me home. She's the one I wanted to do that, but asking her to do one more thing for me was hard. (She's also going to my first chemo with me). Asking for support isn't easy for me and I'm going to be on a learning curve with it. But once I knew Doris would be willing to take me home, it settled my mind and made me feel better. (she's a friend I met through Chabad who is also a therapist and we share an office and she's gone through these things before just a couple years ago and so has been a tremendous gift to me right now)

3. Because I was nervous about having the 2nd biopsy, I didn't ask what it entailed and just had it in my mind it would be easier than the first since it was a smaller mass they were working on. Being in denial about things seems to be my way of managing my anxiety. Unfortunately, Geoff decided to go with me and it turned into a 3+ hour experience where he had to leave me at the breast center to get a mamogram after the biopsy (with teeth chattering from the stress) in order to pick up the kids from school in the rain. And please, we KNOW everyone and any one of you could have and would have loved to pick up the kids for us and I even had one friend get really angry with me for not calling her (which just added to my stress) but it's all a learning curve for us. We were just unprepared and didn't know it was going to be such a long time at the MRI center and next time we will be prepared with a list of all of your phone numbers or arrange something ahead of time. Since this is all new for us, it's hard for us to fathom what we need right now and prepare for it ahead of time. And we are so used to being there for our kids ourselves.

4. We had a consult with another ocologist which ended up being even more stressful because he gave us all the numbers: going thru chemo gives me a 25 - 35% chance of shrinkage vs a 5 - 10% chance of going the other way and growing instead. Plus he recommended a whole different treatment program and didn't understand why everyone else said I should need shrinkage in order to get a mastectomy and he'd recommend I get one first before chemo. My present oncologist agrees with the regimen that Stanford tumor board recommended which is that I get chemo first in order to have a better surgery (mastectomy). The bizarre part was that this other oncologist who painted such a different picture for us was trained at Stanford! So I walked away with the lesson that my oncologist is fine and what I care most about is the chemo room she has at her office which is really bright and comfortable. And truthfully, numbers and percentages mean nothing. If I lived by them, I'd be happy that breast cancer is one in eight which would give me great odds of not getting it!

Anyway, the following is good news to me though it might seem to you that it's bad: the biopsy of the right breast came back positive to those cells we don't want growing in our bodies. So I've got a mirror image of that bad growth in my body! But the left side is further along and the right side probably got eliminated with the biopsy. It only means that I may decide to eliminate the entire breast if I have to eliminate the left one. Because why be lopsided and deal with that? And it also means when it comes radiation time, I will have to get radiated on both sides. The reason it's good news is that it would be really hard for me to opt to get a double mastectomy if I knew that the right breast was healthy. So if it comes down to a mastectomy of the left one, it'll make the decision about the other one easier to make.

And don't talk to me about reconstruction! Forget it. Unnecessary surgery in my mind.

We went to chemo 101 at the Katz center today and I was able to choose a wig. They give out free ones. But in the meantime, I'm going to try a shampoo and lotion that was created in Germany for cancer patients. My dentist told me about it. Maybe I'll get to keep my hair. If not, though, I've got the wig now.

Another positive: there was a woman at the chemo 101 class that had gone through chemo treatment after her partial mastectomy. And she was struggling. It made me realize that I'm lucky to have chemo first because if it shrinks the tumor, I will have something motivating me to continue on through the difficult parts of it. If I had the tumor out first, I wouldn't have that motivation. So in that way, I'm very lucky!

My parents are coming to visit next week for a few days. It'll be the first time I see them since the diagnosis. I'm really looking forward to it and so are my kids.

Chemo on Monday!

First Chemo Date Set for 11/10

This is a long, rambling email but it's therapeutic for me so if it's too much for you, just read the first two paragraphs.

So we saw the oncologist today and she set up my first chemo date for a week from Monday. That gives me another week to get ready. Check out wigs, get a port put in by the surgeon - it's outpatient but done at the hospital. My veins are tiny and one of the drugs destroys them. Lovely. Oh and the echocardogram showed that I have a mitralvalve thickening with nodular degeneration (whatever that means). So now I get to go see a cardiologist. Aren't you lucky to be on this email list and get all these details? (It does help me to report to you all and know you care - so just delete if things get too whatever.) Oncologist doesn't know about hearts but she thinks it's nothing and probably just some inflammation or scarring due to an infection I had at some point. Still, I'm going to the cardiologist to just see what he says. It won't postpone my chemo tho.

Geoff and I went out for lunch after the appointment at Severinos - very nice. Yesterday was our 20th anniversary so we went out. Surreal. It may be the denial but it's hard to really believe this is our life and we are now in this club.

You may know I used to enjoy using the Tarot. Well, you also may have learned from me how to figure out your Growth Cycle card (remember that? the one that you're in from one birthday to the next?) Guess what my card is until my birthday in May? The Death card! It's really funny because my teacher always said that people think the death card means they are going to die but when she studied this by looking in the obituaries, it turned out that people didn't die in their death card year but in their Lovers year (relationships become the focus) or the year that was their birth card (the energy they came into the world on, they left the world on the same energy too.) So I was thinking this morning about the death card when I was walking with Summer in the Pogonip and how much this is a Death/REBIRTH for me. How many times did I say to myself, I love to walk in the trees but I never do it and here I was this morning finally doing it because death is knocking on my door. Doesn't take many people to need that kind of a kick in the butt to exercise regularly or do things that they like doing, but I guess that's what I needed at least to go walk in the trees. Anyway, I definitely feel like this is a rebirth for me. Am I nuts? How am I going to manage the "chemo brain" and every other horror I keep hearing about? I don't know but each thing that comes before me I know I just have to go through. It's strange how the mind can deal with things. When first diagnosed, I felt like I would rather die then go through chemo. But now, I know I have no other choice (I'm really beyond a natural cure) and I have to go through that chemo gate and so I mentally get used to the idea. No breasts at all? Well, I'm getting used to that possibility too though I still have a slim chance of another story. I also still think maybe by next Monday I'll find some natural cure like the pepper, garlic sandwich I read about on the internet and I won't have to go through this chemo gate....and radiation gate and surgery gate. But first it's the port gate - oh, darn, no, it's the MRI assisted biopsy gate! Tomorrow! Fun.

But best of all, in a couple of hours, I get to go see 4 clients in a row and forget about myself for awhile and get absorbed in their sacred struggles. I'll end my day of work feeling refreshed, knowing I can really help someone else.

So, that's the story for now. I'll keep you posted next week for another addition of the continuing saga of Melissa's Rebirth.

Surgeon Update & Please Allow for My Feelings

Well, we really liked the surgeon and he does do most of the breast surgeries in town.

What I liked about him especially was that he was the only one so far who told me that there was a chance to shrink this tumor down enough to just do a lumpectomy. He's seen it happen before with chemo where the tumor does respond well. It's rare but he's seen worse then me disappear to nothing. So, hearing that changed my whole perspective toward having to undergo chemotherapy. Now I was feeling like, "OK! bring it on!!!"

He also said that my cancer type does respond well to chemo.
And he has done this procedure that I heard about where you test the tumor first to see which chemo it responds to best. Whether I get to have that procedure or not will depend on another discussion with the oncologist.

Looking at my mamogram slides, he doesn't think anything's going on with my right breast at all. The MRI next week will tell more.

On another positive note, my mother-in-law's friend (who's daughter went through this) gave me a great book! "Just Get Me Through This! A Practical Guide To Coping with Breast Cancer". It's really great and answers little questions that you don't even realize you need to ask. For example, now I know I'll be sucking on a Popsicle while undergoing chemo so I won't get mouth sores.

Next week on Tuesday is the CT scan and the breast MRI and I'll write again after those.
Melissa

P.S. I hesitate to write this because I know everyone means well but I need to take good care of myself now. So I have to vent to you all. First, thank you so much to those of you who've let me just be with whatever feelings I have. (You know who you are and you have helped me tremendously.) The hard part for me about this disease is the same thing that happens with having the awful disease of migraines. If I had diabetes, no one would tell me how important it was to stay up and positive and happy - that somehow staying upbeat will heal the disease and having depression or sadness or anger may cause or exacerbate the disease.... Of course it's important for anyone in life to be positive and upbeat. But somehow the undercurrent perspective about cancer and migraines is that our feelings cause these dreaded diseases or make them worse. What I know is true for absolute certain, is that when a person is sick, the brain may not function optimally and the illness can cause depression. When the body is healthy, the depressed thoughts may go away. I saw that happen to me with my most recent cold in fact. So I am indebted to you for not judging me when I go through whatever feelings I go through. And it helps me when you keep the faith that I'm going to be OK and I will survive no matter what I have to go through. Because it's really true. I know that now. I may have to go through 5 or 6 months of literal hell. But one day it will be all over and this will be behind me and I will be just like everyone else and get myself checked for cancer on a regular basis. This is a disease and not a death sentence. Knowing that you care and feel for me is really all I ask. And keeping the faith in your own heart - not necessarily reassuring me when I'm down, but just offering your sympathy, empathy and compassion is really healing for me. Letting me vent, talk, complain, rant and rave, if I need to and still remembering that I will be OK without having to remind me of that is the most healing way you can be with me right now. Thanks for being there. I'm making my list of who I can call and what you offer and what we may be needing in the times ahead. Right now Geoff has been doing it all and he's been great and he loves to cook and going through this hasn't made a whole lot of difference in what he's been doing already. My mom's getting me house cleaning. I know who can take Aimee or Jason in a pinch. I know who will bring food for me if Geoff needs a break and who I can turn to for bone broth. I also know who will go with me to doc's and who would run and get me anything. I know who will take over this writing if I need to hand it over at some point. I also know who can come and help with Geoff's parents if they need him when I need him at the same time. I feel truly blessed to have such a strong circle of friends and family who I can count on and who love me and want to do for me. Thank you. I'm sorry but I just had to get the "feelings" stuff off my chest. I don't want to feel like I have to be upbeat at the times that I don't feel upbeat. And I don't want to feel badly about myself when I'm not able to be upbeat and I don't want to feel worried about hurting myself if I don't feel upbeat. And I don't want to be told by anyone else that going through cancer treatment turns negative people into positive ones. (no one said that but the implication is there) I know I'll get healing from this and of course it will make me stronger. But truthfully, I have had lots of physical challenges already in my life - though this one takes the cake - and I know how strong I am, have been, and can be. And my diet has changed many times over the years trying to help myself with my migraines so this is just one more time. I don't want to focus any more on what I could have done, should have done, and what caused this and how maybe it was my personality and my denial. I just want to focus on getting through the next round on this journey. So I hope that gives you some idea of how you can help me in ways other than the ones I know I can count on you for.

Settled on an Oncologist

Hi All,
Just giving you an update. BTW, it's much easier for me to email than to talk on the phone. Especially since I caught a cold on Saturday.

The oncologist we met with todaywas excellent. Her practice specializes in breast cancer which is 60-70% of what she sees. I liked her more than the Stanford tumor board. She was thorough and pointed out a couple things that even the Stanford guy didn't. Which was that there was a spot on my right breast in the mamogram that they dismissed as benign and so she's going to look at that closer with the further tests I will be taking. (CT, MRI) Plus, she's going to get permission from the insurance co. to cover a blood test to rule out the Ashkenazi gene. Being that my mom had it and I'm under 50, (barely), it gives me a 12% risk of having the gene. 10% risk and the insurance company will pay for it. Anyway, that would just mean a double mastectomy - which would settle my mind since dealing with just one breast seems like it could be a total drag.... Yes, I know, I don't need to make all these decisions right now, but that has been on my mind.

So, I'm looking forward to getting appointments for the CT scan, bonescan, and MRI to rule out any nodules being anywhere else in my body. I should get those tests done within the next week. And then I get to meet with the surgeon this Friday. Supposedly he does the most breast surgeries in this town. Plus, according to my oncologist, she's heard he's got good bedside manner.

Anyway, that's the update and I'm feeling better now that I've got someone like my doc overlooking my case. She spent a lot of time with us. We were in her office from 2:30 - 5. As we were waiting, I kept having to remind Geoff that she'll spend as much time with us as she was doing with whoever she was taking her time with before she got to us!

So, thanks again for all your thoughts, prayers and offers of support.
Melissa