Positive Thoughts...

I had a really great time with my dad. Having him here lifted my spirits tremendously. I highly recommend getting a chance to spend time with each parent separately. We watched TV together, talked, took naps (well, he did that better than me), and went out to eat. Going out to eat is like a tradition with my mom and dad. Last time they came to visit, I was so sick, I couldn't go out with everybody - so I made up for it this time. We went to Gayles (love it), Hoffmans, Sabieng, and best of all, Shadowbrook. I cried when I overslept and missed our last meal together: breakfast at Walnut Ave. Cafe.

I believe those tears were chemo and cancer related since of course, our "last meal together" touched me very deeply in a way that wouldn't have if I wasn't a cancer patient.

Paul, Geoff's brother came down from Marin on Saturday and we got their mom, Lee, to join us at the Shadowbrook. It was just lovely and the food was perfect, as usual. It didn't seem like there was a recession because there were so many people out, but Shadowbrook is one of those special occasion restaurants. Jason once told me (when he was very young) that when he got older, he was going take his date to the Shadowbrook.

I wore my fanciest black and gold headwrap and beautiful topaz colored earrings my friend Liz got me...so I felt somewhat normal. But some women seemed to look at me longer than others and I wondered if they were survivors. I bet I'll be like that too one day...wishing I could go up to a person who looks like she's going through chemo and give her a big hug, letting her know I've been through it.

I spoke to my WomenCare "sister" last night over the phone. I told her about my tears when I missed breakfast and she completely understood. She said she always hated it when people would say to her - "you've got to think positive while you are going through this". She said she was literally "on drugs" for 6 months while going through chemo and if that doesn't effect your mind, what will? Plus this is a disease that does bring you face to face with mortality. She said if we could heal cancer with positive thoughts, we would all be sent to comedy shows rather than chemo drips.

I agree with her. It's important to feel the feelings that this disease brings up and to thoroughly explore your own mortality on a personal and spiritual level. It's not often that you are given that opportunity in life. And I do see it as an opportunity. I surely wouldn't explore it on my own without having it shoved in my face like this.

The best part of that exploration is the pure joy and love and positive thoughts that also flood you. This life is made of both "good" and "bad" experiences and the "bad" sometimes makes what's "good" more evident and more precious. And of course whenever I think I could lose something, it makes it all the more appealing - like chocolate!

Which reminds me, I need to go eat some of that sugar-free chocolate I made!

The Rabbi's Answer

I asked my rabbi to look at my post from last week: "Enjoying Life" and to please give me the Jewish answer to the question of where G-d's plan ends and my will begins. For example, is this disease my fault? And if it was G-d's plan, then what does "Tract gut vet zein gut" (think good and it will be good) have to do with my being able to control outcomes when G-d's controlling everything?

This is what he wrote me back to answer my questions (through email):

Rabbi Yochanan Friedman
to me

Hi allison,

Sorry for the delayed response.

In any case, here are my thoughts.

You know the joke about the fellow who is caught in a flood but refuses all the help that comes by saying, “G-d will help.” He dies in the flood and comes before G-d with a complaint. “Why didn’t you save me? I believed in you!” And G-d says, “I sent you three boats and a helicopter! Why didn’t you take them?”

An oldie but goodie and it's even relevant to this discussion.

So, here are my $0.02.

For starters, there are two words that are never appropriate in this discussion. They are “if only”.

If only I had had better thoughts…. If only I had gone to a different doctor…. If only I had been more religious… These two words are inappropriate because they are completely untrue, almost blasphemous. And this is where the joke is just a joke.

“If only” means that I think G-d may have intended for there to be a different outcome but I ruined His plans with my mistakes. That’s not possible. That’s taking far too much credit. “But how do I know it’s not my fault”? Well, you can repent for any poor choices you may have made. But that doesn’t change the fact that what was is exactly what was meant to be. Any pain that I had – provided it is in the past – was certainly meant to be.

The better question is what about the future? Can I influence the outcome from here on?

It is true that all that happens is G-d’s will. Nothing can happen outside of His plan. It is also true, as you write, that “tracht gut vet zein gut” – positive thought creates positive outcome. How do the two work in harmony?

You see, the “Tracht gut” method is no different than, say, going to a doctor or taking a vitamin. In G-d’s plan there are many ‘conduits’ for health. Good health can come through exercise or through the right supplements. Good health can also come through surgery or other more painful means. In much the same way, health can come in the merit of giving charity or through the blessing of a Tzaddik – or, by creating that health in your mind.

Different situations demand different actions to solve particular problems. Which action – or what combination of actions – will be the right solution for my particular circumstance? And how is that determined? The answer to that is, that’s where we defer to Divine providence. That is indeed predetermined.

In other words, whether you’ll be saved by the boat or the helicopter is not in your hands. You have to take the solution that Divine providence has set for you. How do you know which one it is destined to be? Well, you don’t. You just try your best and give every responsible option a try.

So, bottom line: Have a good doctor, eat well, take your vitamins and “Tracht gut” – and then “vet zein gut.” Why? Because any one of those could be the ‘vehicle’ through which G-d intends to deliver your good results.

I would expect that all this creates three questions for every one answered. But that’s the Jewish way. Let’s keep studying, and enjoy the journey as much as we hope to enjoy the destination.

I look forward to your feedback.

Best wishes and Zei gezunt!

Yochanan

Enjoying Life

I'm enjoying my life this week. I just love the sound of the birds in the morning. And I'm really enjoying our warm weather - even though it means we'll be water rationing soon. I'm also appreciating my friends. And I'm especially enjoying being able to eat whatever I want and whatever the rest of my family's eating.

I know that I'll have some difficult times ahead but for now, I'm enjoying the moment. One thing I've been able to do better is to set aside the thoughts about how I created this problem. It's my old new agey mind that goes there and brings me down - because you know, "you create your own reality" is that new age motto. One old friend of mine told me to read Loise Hay because really I'm not sick at all and it's all in my beliefs. So as I get better at not blaming myself for my predicament, I will be able to write you about how I think I ended up here - as far as how long I knew something was wrong until the time I got it diagnosed.

But for now, I'll share with you a Daily Dose that helped me get the right perspective. It helps me to remember that my life is in G-d's hands and my intention is the only thing that is in my control. My intention is where my free will comes in. (My rabbi once told me this.) Does my intention effect my attitude? Is even my attitude out of my control? And how close are my thoughts to my intention - or is my intention deeper even than thought and feeling. I have to discuss this further with my rabbi because I'm not totally clear on how far my intention reaches.

Anyway, I had the following come into my inbox the other day (it's the Daily Dose).

Know Your Strength
By Tzvi Freeman

From your challenges you may know your strengths.

You did not make yourself. You did not choose your parents, nor did you design the environment that nurtured you.

The One who brought you to this world, who knew you before you were conceived and who fashioned you in the womb -- He knew intimately all the challenges you would meet, your faults, your struggles. He was the one who designed they should be there.

And for each brick wall, He provided you a ladder. For each chasm a bridge. For each mountain a deep reserve of superhuman strength to surprise even your own self.

When one of those challenges arises, you need only imagine what it must take to overcome -- and you can be confident that strength is within you.
____________________________

That Daily Dose makes the viewpoint of "you create your own reality" seem pretty arrogant. Though there is a Yiddish saying that I love: Tracht Gut vi Zein Gut - Think good and it will be good. So maybe the two sayings are not so far apart as I imagine. I just feel much better when I let myself off the self-blame hook and instead see how G-d has chosen the perfect challenge for me to access the strengths that I know I need to access in this lifetime.

So I look forward to my next round of chemo, a week from this Wednesday (my 4th with only 3 or 4 more rounds) and I am going to make the most of this week of feeling normal again.

Thanks so much for participating in this carepage with me. Thanks for being part of the ladder and bridge I've been given for overcoming this brick wall. I've been thinking lately that this brick wall I've been given is better than some of the others I've heard about and could have to deal with instead...