What I Learned from Breast Cancer

What I've Learned From Cancer

Posted Jun 3, 2010 1:46pm

Leaving Ecstasy
By Tzvi Freeman

A favorite story of the Rebbe, central to his activist view of life:

Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, the first rebbe of the Lubavitch dynasty, led the services for Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. He stood wrapped in his prayer shawl, profoundly entranced in the cleaving of the soul to its source.

Every word of prayer he uttered was fire. His melody and fervor carried the entire community to the highest and deepest journey of the spirit.

And then he stopped. He turned, cast off his prayer shawl and left the synagogue. With a bewildered congregation chasing behind, he walked briskly to the outskirts of town, to a small dark house from where was heard the cry of a newborn infant. The rabbi entered the house, chopped some wood and lit a fire in the oven, boiled some soup and cared for the mother and child that lay helpless in bed.

Then he returned to the synagogue and to the ecstasy of his prayer.

The Rebbe added:
Note that the rabbi removed his prayer shawl. To help someone, you must leave your world, no matter how serene, to enter the place where that person lives.

By Tzvi Freeman
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, go here: http://www.judaism.com/display.asp?cdo=01.chabad-centers.org&type=quicksearch&etn=CAIJJ&ds=1. Rabbi Freeman is available for public speaking and workshops. Read more on his bio page http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/3009/jewish/Freeman-Tzvi.htm.
**********************************

Tzvi Freeman is one of those Yiddishe Kops that grew up in American culture and yet didn't go on to elucidate Buddhism, like so many other Yiddishe Kops (Stephen Levine, ad infinitum). I love him. And it's now ok for me to say that I mourn for our losses in America to Buddhism. It's ok for me to be proud of my heritage and even say out loud, "I think Judaism is the best religion!"

I could never have said that out loud before learning from Chabad. Jews post-Holocaust are afraid to claim chosenness or to show pride - makes us too visible. But I've learned that my heritage has sooooo much to be proud of. And it's totally fine to have a preference in religion! I prefer to learn about Judaism through Chabad, for example. I think it's the best and that's why I do it. Everyone has their own path that they consider "best", otherwise, why would they follow it?????? It's only the politically correct who have a problem with the notion of saying theirs is best...and Jews who have learned anti-Semitism from the culture think that claiming choseness is just embarrassing - but if they ever learned what being chosen really means, there's no question they'd believe in it...

Anyway, this morning I was thinking about how much I learned from my cancer and then read Tzvi's Daily Dose and it struck a cord on that theme.
It's important to make a fire with your prayers but when there's a mitzvah to do, you can/should also make a fire with your own hands - even on the Shabbos of all Shabboses, Yom Kippur, you can/should "work": build a fire, cut and carry wood, (if you don't know: those things are always forbidden on a day of rest).

There is fire in a mitzvah - even when it's not one of the mitzvot that obviously connect us to G-d through prayer or ritual or worship. Doing something loving for someone else is a way of connecting G-d to earth, just as powerful (and as full of fire) as praying on the holiest of all days. Even though Tzvi titled his Daily Dose, "Leaving Ecstasy", I find that doing a loving act for someone else brings with it that same ecstasy. And like the rebbe added, you take off your tallis (prayer shawl) to go into the trenches but I want to also add that when you go into the trenches, you transform everyone there into a holy tallit!!!

That's the main thing I've learned from this: love shared with family members, relatives, friends, co-workers, etc., is the best and most important/rewarding thing in life. Everything else pales in comparison. But especially doing loving acts with family is the highest of all ecstasies. The connections I've made with Aimee, Jason & Geoff in the past year have been the most "firey" and Divine.

Here are some other things that I have learned:
* frozen blueberries, soy milk, home-made granola, whey protein powder and ground flax seeds, make a delicious, healthy breakfast.
* cinnamon, cardamom, clove, coriander, nutmeg, turmeric, rosemary and other spices have anti-cancer properties and regulate the NF-kb (?) the master switch that controls turning on or off cancer (I think??? Anyway, I know it's an important thing but really don't know a lot about it).
* spices taste delicious with every meal.
* curry is delicious too and is something that has lots of turmeric in it.
* cabbage & lentils can be made into tons of different kinds of salads that can be eaten throughout the week.
* soy milk is fine, as long as I get the whole kind found on the refrigerator shelf.
* green tea comes in chai flavors, so I get a 2 for one punch.
* broccoli and tomatoes work together when cooked and pack a better punch than either alone and they taste great with garlic and thyme and a bit of Parmesan cheese.
* 3 brazil nuts a day can substitute for a cookie and give you your daily dose of selenium.
* organic apples can substitute for a cookie and are great with cinnamon on them which adds more cancer fighting in my sweet snack.
* even rainy days on your birthday are beautiful.
* when you're really wiped out, just sitting in bed watching one TV show can restore you.
* taking medicine when you're suffering is actually a good thing to do for your self-care.
* you don't need to suffer.
* you can enjoy wearing falsies if you don't want to be reminded of your cancer every time you look in the mirror - and getting a comfortable bra is possible.
* you don't need to work harder than you can handle emotionally.
* it's more important to not be tired from work than to make extra money because when you are not too emotionally exhausted, you can better deal with family work and stay close to family members.
* I can plan to go on a trip with just Jason and Aimee, leaving Geoff at home...he'll be ok taking care of his parents and Summer. I have the power to make fun plans for myself.
* I don't need to blame Geoff for all my problems or for giving me cancer and I don't have to blame myself either.
* I'm sure there are more things I've learned but that's all off the top of my head for now...

Blood test results coming soon - and we're saving $3K because I finally got my oncologist to say that there's probably a 1% chance we'd find anything in a scan right now. Phew! Putting that off for another 6 months is a relief in more ways than one.

Hope you are all doing well and enjoying the Spring!
BTW, I now have very curly hair!

Humility

I've been feeling so weird since the last update I sent out and I'm so glad to see it didn't go out to everyone.

I love to share what I learn about the Jewish path to everyone because I feel it's the antidote to the Holocaust and all anti-Semitism. I want to shout that I am proud to be Jewish! And I am proud of Israel. And I am proud of the Jewish teachings.

And I use the holidays to help me understand my day - to - day struggles. I find it so amazing that I was diagnosed on the week between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur!!!

So I never want to seem like I think no other religious path has it's purpose on this earth. I don't want to seem like I'm looking down on all other religions. I'm just wanting to put down in writing what I am learning from the Jewish path. There is a place for all of us on this earth and a unique purpose that I believe will help build the final redemption. Yes, I believe in the only One Invisible G-d that contains everything and everyone. That doesn't mean I believe that anyone else should believe that too.

Judaism has never believed that everyone should be Jewish and in fact, it's very hard to become Jewish if you weren't conceived and cooked in a Jewish woman's body. Rabbi's practice is to turn away wanna be converts. Not because this is an exclusive club, but because the rigors of the practice are so complex and numerous. It's supposed to be very hard work that we've been chosen to do. But that doesn't mean we are better than everyone else. In fact, the joke is, "I wish He'd choose somebody else sometimes."

It's not easy being Jewish. And it's wonderous.

I believe all paths lead to the same Place. Truly it's semantics that gets our knickers in a twister! What do you mean by G-d? What do you mean by redemption? What do you mean by getting close to G-d?

You'll see in the Noahide laws there is no law stating you must have one and only one god.

Anyway, I never want to seem like I think I'm better than everyone else. Even other Jews. My path can be different from another Jew as well. And I love that Bailly never wears pants and yet she could tell me to get another pair of the pants I showed her I got from Costco that fit me so well!!!! And I love that D'vora Leah could say how much she likes my new curly hair despite the fact she'd never go without her head covered in a wig or sheitle. We are all different and all Beloved.

That is what Rabbi Hillel said that the entire Torah is based on - only one law: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow; that is the whole Law: all the rest is interpretation."

Day of Rest

I don't think the carepages notification system has been working right...so you may find that you are behind by 3 updates...

---------------------------

This past week was really crazy for me. I felt like I was running around and very busy the entire week. Was it just me or did you feel that way too?

If it was just me, I think it's a sign to me about how I'm dealing with this canServersary...keeping busy enough not to feel anything about it. I got Aimee a 12 foot trampoline this week and discovered that my arms didn't swell up with lympedema from putting it together practically all by myself (not to say Techy didn't help tremendously). But then I had the carpets cleaned and boy oh boy, can I tell you how much furniture I moved around and lifted?

My lower back told me last night when I finally got into bed.

What is going on with me? I was carrying around furniture yesterday thinking, "I need to remember I'm recovering...maybe I'll start wearing that pink bracelet with the ribbon on it to remind me." Or do I need to get a medical bracelet to remind me? Or am I just not wanting to face the memory of this past year right now?

Last year at this time, I couldn't stop crying. This year, I can't stop myself from running away from it all. I reach into the top of my shirt and reach down between my camisole and those beautiful fake boobies and feel the scar and cringe. I just want to get on with my life and pretend this year never happened. I want my hair long again no matter who tells me I look great with short hair. But some things are impossible. And I shouldn't run from reality if I want to stay alive. I need to force myself to keep remembering I'm a very recent survivor because all I want to do is run away.

I guess at least that tells you how great I feel physically anyway. I get tired though when I push myself and so I have to force myself to remember I'm a recent survivor.

So I was incredibly happy that today was the day of rest. Since becoming friends with Baily and hanging out with her on Saturdays, I found myself really enjoying the absence of my running on at least one day of the week, every week. Over the years I've cut a couple of things out of most of my Saturdays: the computer & shopping. It's rare that I do those things on the day of rest anymore. And mostly, I only drive when I go to Baily's house.

I used to download and print articles from Chabad website to read on that day so I could avoid turning on the TV. I'd only watch if Geoff turned it on. But since getting sick last year, TV's become my friend and my Saturdays, unless I go to Baily's, consist of sitting in bed and watching TV all day. Not the holiest of habits for the day of rest.

Still, I find the permission to rest irresistible. And so I take it on like the commandment it is. But I am not exactly anywhere close to being traditionally Shomer Shabbos. Maybe one of these days I'll get back to the holy part and get myself to read instead of watching TV. Or get myself over to Baily's where I know I won't do anything but chat and eat and relax.

Tomorrow night starts the Shabbos of Shabbosim (or at least I think it's been called that): Yom Kippur, where we rest from all kinds of earthly pursuits. We fast (which darn, my doctor said I was healthy enough for), and we wear white and hope to achieve angelic heights with the day-long prayers and fasting.

A group of our friends has been getting together to break the fast over the past few years and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. It's a bit embarrassing - where I've been this past year - and I'm not sure what that embarrassment is all about. Maybe I'm just being shy and don't want attention but I'm sure this canServersary of mine is going to be on the minds of many of my peeps on Monday.

Yom Kippur is the one holiday that nearly every Jew celebrates and so when I was younger, the Temple I grew up in had to rent out a very large church for the occasion. I remember my friend, Nancy and I, sneaking candy bars in the church bathroom because we were "fasting". My kids are going to try to fast - we'll see how well they do. It's not easy - especially if you are home the whole time and not in services. But I won't let them go to school no matter how much homework they will need to make up. It's just that kind of a holiday and schools should be off for it - it's not fair to the Jewish kids to have to make up a day missed for religious purposes.

The liturgy for Yom Kippur is fabulous but towards the end we read about the horrific deaths of our most revered sages. All of them were tortured and it is unpleasant to be reminded of the dark past of our people. Especially when you think if this could happen to the great, holy rabbis, what could happen to a shmo like me? But this is Yom Kippur and this is it's wonderful ability to bring you to your knees, remembering that you are not in control of it all, a Higher Power is, and the reasons that certain things happen is ultimately beyond your puny human understanding. Yes, everyone who really participates in Yom Kippur in a deep way, goes through their own canServersary.

Anyway, I hope you all get a notification of this update and for those of you celebrating Yom Kippur tomorrow night and Monday, I wish you a very meaningful holiday and a very easy fast.

Facing My Limits

FACING YOURSELF
Excerpt from 60 Days: A Spiritual Guide to the High Holidays, by Simon Jacobson. ©Copyright The Meaningful Life Center, 2009. All rights reserved. www.meaningfullife.com.

To subscribe to this 60 day email, go here: http://www.meaningfullife.com/subscribe/index_60days_subscribe.php

"The Baal Shem Tov taught that everything we see, whether good or bad, is really a reflection of ourselves. If it was not, we'd simply not see it.

This phenomenon is part of a merciful way that G-d has of teaching us lessons in life. Most of us have a difficult time hearing from others that we have a flaw which we ourselves don't recognize. Therefore, G-d sets us up to have a confrontation with a person who exhibits that same flaw in some form. We see it and we say "how terrible." But then it dawns on us that we exhibit the same behavior, though perhaps in different form.

The same is true for positive things. We recognize a positive characteristic in others because we have it in ourselves. If we didn't have any element of it, we wouldn't recognize it.

In other words: You are what you see. And you see what you are.

Many Jews living in Germany in the 1930s didn't recognize the evil of the German people because they had none of it in themselves. They couldn't fathom that anyone could murder them in cold blood. If you are incapable of a crime, it's impossible to imagine that someone else is capable of it.

There are atrocities that we can't even relate to because we're not capable of doing such a thing ourselves.

The same is true for goodness or holiness.

Many of us are cynical because we never met anyone truly holy or truly pure. So we don't believe that it's possible to be that way because it's not part of our own experience..."

I probably shouldn't be copying these things here in my own blog, but I referenced the copywrite, so I hope that works. I just couldn't not include it here. Today this came in my email and it was so perfect for what I'm going through.

This week has been quite an emotional roller-coaster due to a situation I have ongoing at work. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face and the perfect thing for me to face, reconcile, and heal. It has everything to do with my own limits, taking care of myself and making a priority out of what is truly important.

What the heck!!? Didn't I learn all this already this year? Yes and no. Right away after finishing surgery, even before I was radiated, I was once again pushing the river until I drowned in it. And it's such an important lesson for me: take care of yourself, you are just out of cancer treatment and not even celebrating your canServersary yet!!!!

Don't push yourself beyond your own sense of safety. That's the lesson. And yes, I've eaten some crow realizing just how much I'm complaining to myself about something in someone that is simply a mirror of my own reasons for slipping up. And truly I got lost because I could not see or believe certain things due to not having those traits in myself.

I loved this article my brother-in-law, Paul sent me:
"My Brain on Chemo: Alive and Alert" By DAN BARRY
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/01/health/01case.html
I think you'll like it too. It's quite a great article on how easy it is to revert back to our old behaviors and ways of thinking.

The Israeli folk dancing with the kids at PCS this week was great fun. (Nice having the fake boobs too and looking somewhat normal.) Since Aimee & Jason weren't in the class and were so mortified that I was there doing this, I didn't let the class know who my kids were. They seemed to enjoy the dances and thanked me afterward and one asked if I was coming back! Aimee and Jason couldn't believe they really liked it. "They were just joking, Mom!"

So, that's your update. I hope you enjoy your long weekend!!!

Getting Ready for Hawaii

It does feel like a completion of sorts this week. Especially yesterday when I walked Aimee into PCS for her "base camp" - back on the old site, breathing a sigh of relief. We made it. We're going to be ok now. (Only my fellow refugees from Natural Bridges fully understand what I mean by that.)

My life definitely coincides with the Jewish calendar. I wonder if this is for everyone and not just for me. Jews are always refugees or exiles. But Tisha B'Av also seems like the end of the year to me and here we are at the end of my year of challenges and growth. In a few more weeks, we'll be at the beginning of the Jewish new year - Rosh haShanah - and I'll be on Tamoxifen and having my diagnosis anniversary. Weird, huh?

I always plan our Hawaii trip - for the past 5 years - around Tisha B'Av. I never want to be traveling during the 3 weeks starting with the 17th of Tammuz (when the Romans breached the 2nd Temple walls) and ending with Tisha B'Av (when the Temple was destroyed). The Romans built an arch to brag about their spoils from the Temple & it can be seen here: http://www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/titus/titus.html

I listened to an audio on chabadbythesea.org called the Lessons of Tisha B'Av by Ruvi New. http://www.chabadbythesea.com/library/article_cdo/aid/704041/jewish/The-Lessons-of-Tisha-BAv.htm It was so fascinating. But what struck me most was the whole idea of "out of the ashes comes new life". Abraham was told his children would be scattered all over the world and guess what? Here we are. It's all in the Divine Plan - we weren't ready for the first Temple and not ready for the 2nd either. The third is built brick by brick with every mitzvah that we do. The 3rd Temple will be worldwide and not just in Jerusalem. G-d wasn't supposed to only be visible in one place on earth. The plan was for G-d to find a dwelling place in the lowest of all worlds, in every darkest corner.

By the way, did you know that both Temples were destroyed on the same day: Tisha B'Av or the 9th of Av? Other important (dark) events also occurred on the 9th of Av: the incident involving the spies (the breakdown of faith that caused the Jews to wander the desert for 40 more years) and the worst situation for the modern day Jews: the first day of WWI (which some say was the precursor to WWII).

I seemed to have more new clients wanting therapy in the last 9 days of the 3 weeks - the first 9 days of Av. And so I wonder if any of you did too. I once totaled my car during the first 9 days of Av. So I've been extra careful ever since this time of year. I believe that the children who are born during these days are blessings and reminders that we still go on after the destruction. It's not the end. These children, like Aimee, probably all Leos, are full of energy and light and enthusiasm - shedding a brightness during the dark times.

The full moon of Av (the 15th) is a day of redemption and that is the very day that we are off to Hawaii - tomorrow. It was once a day when (the Talmud says) that the "daughters of Jerusalem would go dance in the vineyards and whoever did not have a wife would go there" to find one. I'm finding myself using every challenge I have with Geoff lately as an opportunity to create a complete recovery for me and in our relationship.

I need to be the boss sometimes and I'd rather not have to fight for that - so I give in and then sit with my resentment. So it's been lots of standing up for myself and not backing down, along with reviewing situations and using "I messages" to state what I prefer happening next time. This is a continual challenge for me and really good for me at the same time.

So I'm almost completely packed and ready to go. We've got a UCSC student house sitting and taking care of Summer. And I had to admit that I really didn't want to give her the job (even though she was the best candidate out of everyone we interviewed). I didn't like her simply because she was so pretty and her boobs were too big. Yes, I was jealous and Geoff just had to show her all his photos and wouldn't stop talking to her when it was time for her to leave. So I've been realizing just how hard it is to have no breasts anymore even though I love it when I'm Israeli folk dancing in the morning and nothing gets in the way of my jumping up and down.

I did get a new bathing suit from the store that I got my hats from. I don't think I'll need to wear anything in it to keep the cups from deflating but we'll see once I get in the water. At least it's cute with a skirt. One thing I am enjoying is the fact that I've packed a lot of tank tops. That's something I was never able to wear in Hawaii before. I fit into a lot of things now that I never could before. So that keeps me going. I'm not young anymore and will never be as cute as that girl who's house sitting and dog sitting. But at least I can be comfortable and make do with what I have and accept who I am. And make jokes to my family and you about not wanting to give her the job. (Even though it's not really a joke but the truth!)

So I'll check back in after we get back - sometime after August 15th. I'll be sorry not to have my computer to see you checking in and reading your comments. Instead, it will be fun to see you all on here once I get back home.

Matzo & More Matzo

We enjoyed our small seder that we hosted at our home with Geoff's parents and our good friend, Jerry. Having Jerry there really gave me a lot of energy and made it a very special night. Jerry's been one of my supporters here on the carepages from the beginning of my journey. I wore one of my blond wigs and felt like I was normal again.

This has been a difficult week in some ways. One way had to do with finally telling the kids that I was going to have mastectomies. Geoff and I were not on the same page with whether we should tell them or not. I wanted to and thought it was the right thing and best for them and best for me. Geoff didn't want to devastate them. It took awhile before he was ok with the idea. It helped when he called the Katz cancer center at Dominican hospital and asked for their opinion.

When I did tell the kids, they were devastated, of course. Luckily, I told them before they had to leave for other things which helped to get them off the subject and back into their own lives. Unfortunately, I was left home alone, crying over how much I have to put my kids through. I decided it was the right time for me to put in the DVD that Wendi had recommended, "13 Going on 30". It did the trick. I really enjoyed it and was able to take my mind off of the depressing thoughts.

Later that evening, Jason, Aimee and I played some board games together and did a puzzle (thanks, Glenna). We were playing one game and Aimee kept rolling the dice and not getting to move time after time after time and it made us all laugh hysterically, so hard our bellies hurt! It just reminded me that we are all resilient and will make it through all of this. I just didn't want to have to hide something from them that would be so obvious. I was reminded by a couple of friends that playing those games and laughing was probably a release from the tension of hiding this from them.

(Maybe I should tell you what I said when I told them about the surgery because this could be useful to someone else sometime. First I told them that in 2 weeks I'll be having surgery and I'm looking forward to getting all this treatment over with so we can go on with our lives. Then I told them that Daddy and I decided that the best way to make sure I never get this cancer again is to have my breasts removed. Then I said that there were things I could wear that would make me look normal most of the time. Then I stopped and asked them if they had any questions. I will leave their reactions out of this to protect their privacy. But I did tell them that this was a 2 hour surgery and that the surgeon said it was the least complicated one that I could have and makes it most likely that I'll never have to face this disease again. I also told them that it was easy because there are no muscles in the breast and they are outside the body and they won't have to go inside my body to take away all the cancer. I answered their questions as best I could without going into too much detail but had to be reminded by Geoff to stop when I went into what didn't need to be told. Then I told them that they could always ask me anything they wanted and I would not be embarrassed or feel bad. Then I reminded them that if they couldn't talk to me, they could talk to Dad and if they couldn't talk to either of us, I named adults they knew that I thought they'd be comfortable talking to.)

So this Passover I've been motivated to try different recipes using matzo meal and potato starch and matzo farfel - for the kids sake. I made some muffins, popovers, and granola. The kids always go to school during Passover and they try to stick to not eating humetz (bread) for the entire 8 days. I think it's been embarrassing for them through the years to bring matzo sandwiches and have kids ask them about it. Kids do say mean things about Jews and my kids have experienced that too.

This week and next, up until the surgery, will be like "matzo and more matzo" for me! You may know this already, but humetz (bread or any flour that has touched water and risen before being baked) represents the ego or arrogance or the belief you are separate from G-d and everyone and everything else. We are not supposed eat any humetz all Passover and not only that, but not be in possession of any humetz in our homes or anywhere else. (It's a huge spring cleaning experience for many Jews). Matzo on the other hand, is baked off before the dough has risen and represents humility and Oneness. So we eat matzo in preparation for the ultimate gift of receiving the Torah which happened 49 days after leaving Egypt. This time, we hope not to build a golden calf by Shavuos - 49 days from now when we celebrate receiving the 10 Commandments.

Going to surgery is like that 49 day preparation for me. I just have to go and leave my own wishes behind if I want to live without fear in the future. I have to surrender my own will and do what is being asked of me. The dreams have started about not wanting to do that and fearing to do that. This is going to be a challenging week.

So I'm scheduling lunch dates and tea dates and walking dates with friends. That's all I can do is connect with the love that's in my life and try to remember that when I get mad at Geoff - it's because I'm on edge right now and it's not about him. And it's not because I'm a bad person. Geoff can be a huge emotional support to me right now when I remember to use him for that and remember that I'm irritable and on edge for a very good reason.

One thing I always love to do during Passover that will be very healing for me this week, is go to Bailly's house on the 8th day - the last day. Of course she does everything anyone could ever do that could be a commandment for Passover. I see her actions as a super-committed spiritual practice that encompasses her entire life and am inspired though I don't do anywhere near everything she does. (Including, among many other things: covering over her kitchen counters with material so that the humetzdik counters won't leach into the pure kosher-for-Passover meals.) But anyway, the 8th day is the Moschiach's Meal where they finally dip some matzo into some water and say goodbye to Pesach and hello to the world to come.

Here's a quote about it from their site:
"Moshiach's Meal
The last day of Passover ("Acharon Shel Pesach") is particularly associated with Moshiach and the future redemption. The Haftarah (reading from the Prophets) for this day is from Isaiah 11, which describes the promised future era of universal peace and divine perfection. Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instituted the custom of partaking of a "Moshiach's meal" on the afternoon of the last day of Passover; in addition to the matzah eaten at "Moshiach's meal", the Rebbes of Chabad added the custom of drinking four cups of wine, as in the seder held on Passover's first days."

So let me know what your favorite ways to eat matzo are. My favorite is with a bit of cheese melted on top. Or with cream cheese and sardines with a sliced tomato! (My dad taught me that one.) Or with the chopped liver that Rosey gave me that I hope boosts my red blood cell count. Hope your holidays and seders went well.

Yay! It's Purim!

Sorry this is so long...I'm excited today. Maybe it's the decadron that I have to start taking today to prevent allergic problems from the chemo tomorrow...

I went to the Hadassah luncheon today wearing my short, blond wig and make-up. I couldn't believe the difference I felt between how I felt today vs when I went to the women's program with Chabad and wore a scarf. I felt so comfortable with a wig on - like I didn't want to hide. The scarf over the bald head makes me feel like I'm advertising that I'm going through chemo. This wig is more comfortable than my other one because it is short and they gave me something to wear under it to prevent itching. It's also fun and funny. My friends and family get a big smile on their faces when they see me in it. Jason though, seems to have a hard time with so many changes and said he likes the hats better...so I wonder whether it would be hard also for my clients to see me in it... (Hey, therapist friends, you can give me input privately here or through my email address if you have 2 cents).

I was exhausted when I got home around 3:30pm after leaving the house at 8:30am for the port draw and then over to acupuncture for the treatment prior to tomorrow's chemo and then to Lee's to pick her up and then to someone else who needed a ride and then over to Aptos for the luncheon and back. But even though I was tired, I had to go over to Bailly's to say "Hi" and "Happy Purim" and show her the wig on before going home. She was so happy to see it in person. I won't be able to attend her Purim party today with all the kids/germs there.

The rabbi read me the (whole) megillah which he read very quickly in Hebrew (took 20 minutes) while I read the story to myself in English. It's a mitzvah to hear it read and to give Tzedakah and to give shalach munis or manot (gifts of food to friends). I was very grateful that Bailly also hadn't heard the megillah read yet either because I probably wouldn't have let him read it only to me (do I really merit having a special private reading?) Plus, I would never have remembered to read it this year on my own since, well, you know, my mind is on other things...and I really feel badly that I've missed a lot of the holidays this year and may be recovering from my last chemo come Passover.

Normally, Aimee and I would be making gift bags of food today and delivering them to friends. We had all these Jewish calendars that I'd saved with beautiful artwork on them. Aimee would cut out the artwork and glue them to the gift bags. It was fun. I also make kreplach (yum - Jewish potstickers) in honor of the secret that was kept hidden and then revealed. There were many secrets that were revealed through the Purim event and the most well known secret was Esther's true identity - it was kept secret from her husband, the king, until the final moment when she revealed herself (at the risk of death) to save her people. It's a wonderful holiday and a perfect story for empowering girls.

After reading the megillat Esther, I was struck by the fact of how symbolic and poignant it is that I'm wearing a short, blond wig today when I am normally a person who wears dark, long hair. The Purim story is so about the miracle of how everything was turned upside down and the very person (Haman) who was poised to kill all the Jews ended up hung on the gallows he built for Esther's uncle/husband, Mordecai, who was led through the city on a horse by Haman to honor him (Haman's idea because he thought the honor was going to be his own).

I was also struck by many other things in the story that I am struck by every year, including Esther's bravery and how powerful the Jewish people can be when they actually come together and how hard it must have been to fast for 3 days. But this time reading a line about Haman struck me differently due to the predicament I'm in this year. He was so happy that he was the right hand man of the king, and so happy that he was invited to a party by Esther where he was the only one invited along with the king. But he couldn't be happy because that darn Mordechai wouldn't bow down to him. So he built a gallows for that darn Mordechai. I thought about how often (in a depression) I have only focused on that one negative thing in life when all else was positive! Depression and negativity could be the death of someone! Building a gallows for that bitterness may get you hung yourself! So how fascinating that I am wearing a short, blond wig today and not my usual long, dark hair - everything is topsy, turvy on Purim.

Anyway Purim's a great holiday for children because there are carnivals and dress up. It's very much celebrated like Halloween in Israel where everyone dresses up but not in ghoulish attire and not to collect candy from others but to give gifts of food to others. The little children tend to want to dress up like Mordecai and Queen Esther, the heroes of the story. Adults dress in silly costumes. (So I feel like I'm dressing up for Purim today with the wig and the make-up!) In fact the day is supposed to be very happy and joyful - and the whole month of Adar is like that (the 12th month on the Jewish calendar) and we increase in joy leading up to the liberation of Passover.

I loved the Hadassah luncheon. Hadassah was Esther's Hebrew name. Here in S.Cruz, the Hadassah chapter created a tradition to have a luncheon on Purim. The speaker was a teacher of mine once at UCSC and he said something today that he called his mantra and it touched me deeply because it was a mirror of my own idea. "You can't say you're an educated person if you don't know anything about Jewish history, culture and experience." I would add, Jewish religion to that mix since it's the foundation of all the other Western religions. Baumgarten, today's speaker, gets 50/50 Jews and non-Jews in his Jewish Study classes up at UCSC. Percentage-wise, UCSC has the most Jews of any UC campus. My question to him was, "How are the Jewish students doing with the anti-Zionist sentiment on campus?" He didn't seem to be worried about resilient students who need to hear this stuff early because they'll hear it later. I didn't agree with that...but that's another megillah.

I was so happy this year when Aimee studied the ancient Hebrews in her sociology class (and aced the test). I always wondered why no one wanted to teach and learn about the ancient Hebrews and in fact why people don't want to teach and learn Hebrew itself so they would know how to read the Good Book and know the religion that was the foundation for the other ones.

Jason's school is the top charter school in the country and they have a large number of Jewish students but they are all big on learning Latin and they also offer Chinese. My thought has always been, "why not Hebrew? Am I the only one who sees it's value?" Is the Latin and Greek culture and the Arthurian legends really so worthwhile to learn about? I know people love mythology...but what did the Roman's do but crucify Jews and others...sorry I'm so on a soapbox today but I've got an audience and of course you can put your 2 cents in here too.

Anyway I was glad to hear something that resonated with me come out of Baumgarten's mouth today. Happy Purim to you all and BTW, I think that it's not out of the blue that the stock market went up today. It's supposed to be a very happy day!

Jewish Inspiration & Law & Order

Every once in awhile I go to Chabadbythesea.com and click on the multimedia offers. I like to listen to audio classes while playing Hoyle solitaire card games. Most of the time, I just search for topics of interest to me: prayer, sin, satan, why bad things happen, positive thoughts, reincarnation, angels, etc., etc. Other times, I just look up Manis Friedman and listen to whatever he has there of interest to me.

Today I went on there and listened to a wonderfully inspiring talk that I wanted to give you the link to - if you are so inspired. http://www.chabadbythesea.com/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/821394/jewish/Lifes-Four-Questions.htm It's titled, "Life's Four Questions - The Questions G-d will ask You," by Dov Greenberg. He starts out with the premise that Jews are not concerned with how to get to Heaven, but with how to bring Heaven down to earth. The four questions help to clarify how to do that with your life.

BTW, most of the time I spend my recovery watching TV, so don't think I'm a saint. Every once in a while I read or listen to these audios. But I'm also enjoying just watching TV and vegging. Lately I've added old reruns of Law and Order to my Food Network viewing and have figured out how to use Geoff's Tivo so I can skip through all the commercials. I think Law and Order is appealing to me right now because the bad guy gets put away nearly every time. It gives me a sense of order and the feeling that things happen for the best in life. It may also be validating for me the feeling I've experienced in this cancer battle: that people die all the time from situations beyond their control.

My sister-in-law, Wendi, also gave me a list of fun movies that I've been ordering through Netflix. Yes, I'm making the most of this down-time!

Letting Go of Shame & Guilt

Sorry this is so long...

When I was first diagnosed, it was during the days of Tshuva (return/repentance) between Rosh haShanah and Yom Kippur. I’m not anywhere near the most observant Jew and have struggled to become more observant through the years by (doing my best at – and sometimes not doing very well at) taking on another mitzvah each Rosh haShanah. Also during this time, I think about my sins of the past year and try to make amends with those who I feel I’ve wronged. But having this diagnosis during this time made the High Holy Days all so much more meaningful to me - and judgmental.

The first few days after diagnosis, I cried pretty non-stop. Not for myself and the horror of the treatment and the possibility of death. Instead, I cried out of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the sheer responsibility I took on for not getting this taken care of sooner because had I not waited, my children and my husband, and parents and siblings would not have to go through all this pain over me.

I called Doris who I met through Chabad and who is a therapist and who also has had some experience with this devastating disease. I told her how I couldn’t let myself off the hook for all the pain I was going to put my loved ones through. She told me something that really helped me that I will never forget: “This situation just gives us all an opportunity to show you our love more openly.”

My parents were in Ireland at the time and I remember emailing my mom the news in the possibility she might check email. I was very worried about calling her once she got home because I didn’t listen to my mommy and get a mammogram like I should have. My dad’s a doctor and I was also worried he’d be mad at me. (I got really young and small and scared about their reactions.) Luckily they were both loving and gracious when I finally talked with them and were just worried about me and didn't lay any guilt on me.

When I went to shul on Yom Kippur, the rabbis asked for my Hebrew name for the mishaberach. Being a few days after diagnosis, I was still in such denial that I thought, “am I really sick enough for that?” Then I started to wonder what the significance was of having a mishaberach on the holiest day of the year. Most people there knew about my diagnosis and during a break, I got lots of hugs. That was hard because I had finally stopped crying and the hugs just started it up again. Fred, one of the people I’ve known since Baily and Yochanon first moved to our town (he helped the rabbi while I helped Bailly), told me he wasn’t able to tell his mom about my diagnosis because he was afraid it would devastate her. His mom is Rosey (a good friend of mine) and she has called me almost every day since I got out of the hospital.

Anyway, because I was crying again and couldn’t stop, I didn’t go back into the services and instead talked to Bailly and Stefanie. I told them what was really bothering me (the guilt of not finding out sooner) and Stefanie (another therapist friend of mine who I met through Chabad) told me something that really helped and that I will never forget: “You could not have discovered this any sooner and the fact that you discovered it now is really great because I have seen such a change in you in the past few months. You are so much stronger than I have seen you and you are going to meet this with that strength.”

Stefanie and Doris have been among my biggest champions over the past few years. They are my friends and they are my mentors too. They both encouraged me to go back to counseling and offered their offices for me to work in. Stefanie is my age. Sometimes I look at her as the road not taken: no kids, practicing therapy for as many years as I would have had I not taken a break. Doris is my mom’s age and is a loving, beautiful woman who actually took me out for lunch after Jason’s Bar Mitzvah to celebrate “me” – the mother of the bar mitzvah boy! I am so grateful for these two women as I am for all my friends.

Anyway, through Doris & Stefanie & the rabbi & the audios by his father, Manis Friedman (on Chabad.org), I have been able to let go of the guilt (mostly). I recognize that I’m human and did the best I could with the personality and knowledge that I had. G-d sent me a “correction” which we all get from time to time. Corrections are gifts we get that we may label as “bad” but really everything is One and everything comes from G-d which makes it all good. That may be a hard concept to grasp, and that is what gets us into trouble and in need of correction and why we say the Sh’ma so many times a day. There is no Other, G-d is the only One. We may see our corrections as “bad” but they are really sad (and we may need to mourn), or they are devastating or a huge interruption, but in the end it’s all for the best and the correction helps in our tshuva to recognize Oneness again and realize it is all good.

I am grateful to have as devastating a correction as I’ve been given. It really motivates me in a way I may not have been motivated with a less devastating correction. I am also so grateful to have been diagnosed when I did and not before because I do believe I am better able to deal with this now than before and my kids are older and my practice is started and I reconnected with an old friend just weeks before diagnosis who I wouldn’t have had in my life prior to this. I am grateful to have this carepages which I wouldn’t have thought about 2 years ago without experiencing a friend who had used something similar. This carepages not only brings me joy & love through all the friends who log on, but encourages me to write about my thoughts during this challenge and make something good out of it. I may not like this correction from time to time and pray I will make the tshuva I need to make but I know in the end, I can only do my humanly best. And that's all I've ever been able to do.

The Rabbi's Answer

I asked my rabbi to look at my post from last week: "Enjoying Life" and to please give me the Jewish answer to the question of where G-d's plan ends and my will begins. For example, is this disease my fault? And if it was G-d's plan, then what does "Tract gut vet zein gut" (think good and it will be good) have to do with my being able to control outcomes when G-d's controlling everything?

This is what he wrote me back to answer my questions (through email):

Rabbi Yochanan Friedman
to me

Hi allison,

Sorry for the delayed response.

In any case, here are my thoughts.

You know the joke about the fellow who is caught in a flood but refuses all the help that comes by saying, “G-d will help.” He dies in the flood and comes before G-d with a complaint. “Why didn’t you save me? I believed in you!” And G-d says, “I sent you three boats and a helicopter! Why didn’t you take them?”

An oldie but goodie and it's even relevant to this discussion.

So, here are my $0.02.

For starters, there are two words that are never appropriate in this discussion. They are “if only”.

If only I had had better thoughts…. If only I had gone to a different doctor…. If only I had been more religious… These two words are inappropriate because they are completely untrue, almost blasphemous. And this is where the joke is just a joke.

“If only” means that I think G-d may have intended for there to be a different outcome but I ruined His plans with my mistakes. That’s not possible. That’s taking far too much credit. “But how do I know it’s not my fault”? Well, you can repent for any poor choices you may have made. But that doesn’t change the fact that what was is exactly what was meant to be. Any pain that I had – provided it is in the past – was certainly meant to be.

The better question is what about the future? Can I influence the outcome from here on?

It is true that all that happens is G-d’s will. Nothing can happen outside of His plan. It is also true, as you write, that “tracht gut vet zein gut” – positive thought creates positive outcome. How do the two work in harmony?

You see, the “Tracht gut” method is no different than, say, going to a doctor or taking a vitamin. In G-d’s plan there are many ‘conduits’ for health. Good health can come through exercise or through the right supplements. Good health can also come through surgery or other more painful means. In much the same way, health can come in the merit of giving charity or through the blessing of a Tzaddik – or, by creating that health in your mind.

Different situations demand different actions to solve particular problems. Which action – or what combination of actions – will be the right solution for my particular circumstance? And how is that determined? The answer to that is, that’s where we defer to Divine providence. That is indeed predetermined.

In other words, whether you’ll be saved by the boat or the helicopter is not in your hands. You have to take the solution that Divine providence has set for you. How do you know which one it is destined to be? Well, you don’t. You just try your best and give every responsible option a try.

So, bottom line: Have a good doctor, eat well, take your vitamins and “Tracht gut” – and then “vet zein gut.” Why? Because any one of those could be the ‘vehicle’ through which G-d intends to deliver your good results.

I would expect that all this creates three questions for every one answered. But that’s the Jewish way. Let’s keep studying, and enjoy the journey as much as we hope to enjoy the destination.

I look forward to your feedback.

Best wishes and Zei gezunt!

Yochanan

It's Finally Sunny!

It's a sunny day and I'm feeling better. I haven't gotten a blood test to check, but feel my counts are going up. It's so nice to finally get to open windows and sit out in the sunshine and breathe in fresh air. It's been raining here in Santa Cruz since the day I got chemo - 10 days ago.

I went through some depression around being ill and feeling sorry for myself that I can't go out to eat with my family. (Not to mention all the months I have to go through this, the surgery I'll have to endure and the interruption in my practice that I had just gotten started building only two months before being diagnosed - after a 10 year hiatus to raise children.) Plus, it wasn't easy knowing I was nutrapenic because that scared me silly. I did lots of praying and some crying and felt so lucky when Bailly came over yesterday and prayed for me again.

She retaught me this technique where you go to the book of Tehillim (psalms) and in #119, there are paragraphs where every line starts with a word that starts with a letter from the Hebrew alphabet. So it goes from aleph to taph in order. And what you do is read only the paragraphs that spell out your Hebrew name. So for example, you read the paragraph first where every line starts with the first letter of your Hebrew name and next go to the paragraph that starts with the second letter of your Hebrew name, and so on.

Then, depending on the problem you are praying about, you spell out a couple of more words after your name. For example, she suggested for my illness, to read the paragraphs that spell out the word, "kara satan" which in Hebrew means, "tear/rend satan". (Satan in Judaism is different from Christianity...but I can't give you a good explanation at the moment.) If I'm having problems with my husband, she suggests spelling out the word, "shalom bayit" which means "peaceful home". You can also spell out other people's Hebrew names, using ben (for male) or bat as necessary.

Bailly told me that this technique of reading psalms, not just number 119, helps to effect the "gezera" (decree) in heaven. She even has a tiny book she keeps in her purse and reads whenever she's got a moment - like waiting in line at Safeway! She watched her mother doing this all the time as she was growing up. Here's another interesting thing you can do if you want to: you can also read the psalm that's number corresponds to the year older than the age of your children - which is supposed to strengthen them and give them a blessing.

Anyway, I can read Hebrew but don't always understand what it means. So I have a Tehillim that has the translation of each word directly under the Hebrew word. It was very interesting to read it in Hebrew but understand what I was reading. After I was done, I felt I had pleaded my case quite nicely. I kept remembering what the rabbi once told me about why all those prayers were composed for us: when you stand before G-d, it's nice to have the perfect words to say! After I was finished I definitely felt better about myself and more sure of deserving G-d's blessing.

So either that praying I did or the sun today or the difference I feel in the lump (yay! I love chemo, even though I hate chemo) has uplifted my spirits. Maybe I'll even get to see some clients this Sunday and next week before then next round!

Very Hopeful

I just got back from my chemo in the new office and am actually feeling rather high. I don't know if it's just that I love the new doctor and everyone on his staff, along with that fancy chemo room, or if it was the new combination of chemo drugs or the fact that I am finally not nauseous.

So we'll see how it plays out in the next few days. As I recall, I may not have felt bad the first day I was home from the first round. I think I didn't feel bad until the 3rd day or so. But this nausea med is supposed to work for a longer time than the last one.

Anyway, just wanted you all to have that update. As I get farther away from the hospital experience and all the stuff I had to go through, I'm seeing more about the blessing in the curse. It took all that I went through to come to a place of peace and acceptance about having to go through chemo. I used to see it as something that would kill me or something I'd rather die than have to go through. Now I see it as something that will be hard, but will kill the bad cells. And so that's my focus now.

So while I've got this positive energy going, (who knows how long it will last!), I'm going to share with you a quote from the book I'm reading now called, "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. Her Grandfather was an orthodox Jew and the rest of her family were high achieving doctors. So he was the person who showed her what Shabbos was and lit candles, etc., etc. Even more, he was someone who was able to address her sensitivity and gave her the inspiration she needed later in life to understand & deal with the health challenges that she had to go through. He died when she was 7 years old before her health challenges.

So her grandfather would also share with her the stories from the Torah which she loved. The quote I'm going to share with you has to do with the story he told her about Jacob's fight in the middle of the night - he thought someone was attacking him and didn't know until dawn came that he was wrestling with an angel. Once he knew it was an angel, he told the angel that he wouldn't let him go until the angel gave him a blessing. The angel touched him where he was hurt from the struggle and he had that hurt place the rest of his life as a reminder. So finally (can you tell I'm high right now?) here's the quote: "Perhaps the wisdom lies in engaging the life you have been given as fully and courageously as possible and not letting go until you find the unknown blessing that is in everything."

So yes, I will have this experience for the rest of my life. I will have all the scars and reminders. May I continue to fight with all my strength and get the blessing at every turn.

The Hospital - Part 1

I woke up the 7th day after chemo, Sunday morning, feeling tired and nauseous, unable to eat or drink without everything going right through me. I had Geoff put a brand new mezuzah from Israel on my bedroom doorpost. I went to see clients and had 3 great sessions.

That night I went to sleep with a tummy ache that turned into such pain that I wanted to die. By 2am, I woke up Geoff and told him this might be one of those times when we’re supposed to call our doctor & go to emergency. By 3am, we arrived at Dominican.

It’s hard for me to go back into all this again – so I will start with some Torah, inspired by the rabbi’s class yesterday on parshat Vayetze (Genesis 28:10-32:3). This is the parsha with the Jacob’s ladder dream where he goes to Haran to work for Laban, marries the 2 sisters and has all his children.

My hospital experience came to mind when the rabbi pointed out that G-d sends us to the worst places for a higher purpose. Ya’akov (Jacob) had to go to Haran which at the time was the worst city on earth (where the people were corrupt and terrible to each other). Haran is literally, “The Anger”.

So I remembered that when I first got to the hospital, I was wondering what G-d’s purpose was. As I lay there writhing in pain for 12 hours with no relief, I looked at the room number to try to understand what the higher purpose was. It was the number 12, which in Tarot is the Hanged Man.

Why Tarot? During the time between High School and finding Chabad again, I was on a search for my spiritual home. I studied Tibetan Buddhism, Taoism, Confusionism, Christianity, Christian mysticism, Hinduism, I had a guru (the one mentioned in the book, Eat , Pray, Love) and I meditated in an ashram, I went to Israel to study Hebrew before attending a year of rabbinic school at the University of Judaism, I studied Zohar with Daniel Matt at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, and I finally ended up with a masters degree in Transpersonal Psychology (which brings together spirituality and psychology) where I wrote my masters thesis on using the Tarot as a counseling tool.

The sephirot of Jewish mysticism are often compared to the Major Arcana of Tarot but I never have connected Torah and Tarot. I used Tarot to map out the Fool’s journey through the human condition. I used the spiritual and psychological principles of this journey to help me navigate through my life.

So here I was in a holding pattern at Dominican with no relief in sight, trying to understand the significance of it all. Ok, what’s the Hanged Man about again? Oh yeah, turning yourself upside down to get a new perspective on an old issue… What is that issue?

Luckily, my doctor finally graced me with her presence and I got the medication I needed for the pain. So I thought, Oh, the pattern was about not going to get the doctor. She was right next door the whole time. Why didn’t any of us think of going to her?

Stay tuned for Part 2.

In Mourning Today

I did go into Thanksgiving with a miraculous chemo result to be grateful for and yet immediately went into terror over the attack of Mumbai. Today I am in mourning for all the lives lost but especially was touched deeply by the loss at the Chabad House there. I learned that the rabbi was first cousin of the rabbi in Monterey and those evil, inhuman monsters left both he and his wife and those who were visiting them, bound for another world. More of their story and photos of them can be seen here: http://www.chabadbythesea.com/news/article_cdo/aid/773691/jewish/Mumbai-Jewish-Family-Killed.htm

So I want to share my story of how I am connected to Chabad and why they mean so much to me. When I finally get to tell the story of the hospital experience, the first thing you'll learn is why I believe my Chabad Rebetzin, Mrs. Bailly Friedman saved my life.

Some of you know I grew up with 2 Jewish parents in a Jewish home where we kept Kosher (2 sets of dishes/silverware - separated into milk and meat & my mom bought kosher meat), we only celebrated the Jewish holidays, we had a Shabbos dinner complete with candles, wine and prayer on Friday nights and many times attended our Temple services that night. I'll never forget my dad's Shabbos presents when we were really little!

We attended a Temple where my siblings and I were bar mitzvah - which included learning Hebrew and leading an entire prayer service and reading from the Torah. We definitely had a good Jewish education thanks to my parents.

Despite all that we did, I felt a strong spiritual yearning and connection that wasn't tied to Judaism at all. In fact, I felt like I was able to learn all kinds of different religions and get something from all of them (which I did later in college). I was a bit anti-semitic now looking back because I didn't understand why I had to be different from everyone else and being Jewish really didn't mean more to me than this spiritual sense I had that was more New Agey and not really connected to anything.

Then I was introduced to Chabad. A friend of mine in high school and I were discussing spirituality and she said, well if you really want to get a great hit of spirituality, you've got to go to a farbrengen. What's a farbrengen? She tells me, it's where lots of rabbis sit around and drink vodka and tell stories.

So one night, we went to a farbrengen. I must have been 14 or 15 because I don't think we could drive yet. I'm not really sure. But this was a total mind blower for me. I saw rabbis that I didn't know still existed, with beards and black hats. The stories they were telling us and each other hit me with a truth I never heard before.

My friend and I were invited to spend Shabbos with a young Chabad couple. It was the first time I knew about what it meant to really do a Shabbos complete with all the rituals for an entire 25 hours and how much that gave to the experience. I felt like I had finally found a way to connect with Judaism in the way I was thinking wasn't there in that religion.

Unfortunately, being young, I was soon off to other things in my life but never forgot about that experience with Chabad. It wasn't until years later and having my own little children, that I found Chabad again - when we lived in Hermosa Beach. And when we moved back to Santa Cruz, I made sure to find Chabad again and felt like Bailly and Yochanon were sent to S. Cruz just for me. They ended up moving here only a few months after we did. And their kids were my kids ages, so Bailly and I hung out together and became great friends and I and my kids learned soooooo, soooo much from them that we'll never forget.

There are Chabad houses all over the world. These people have what's called, mesiras nefesh (look it up, it's a great term). They sacrifice everything and go out to live in places that have nothing that they need to practice their religion which is very rigorous and requires sometimes going out of town to get food and other things along with having to send their children away when they are still little to get the education they need. And why do they do all this? For people like me! Wow!

So when I heard that the Mumbai Chabad house made the ultimate self-sacrifice, I just wanted everyone I can touch to know how much Chabad means to me.

If you are Jewish and so inclined to say a mishaberach for me, my full Hebrew name is Chaya Ruchel bas Shoshana Fruma. Thank you!

Fantastic Result

Well, I went through total hell from my first chemo - the hospitalization included. But when I went to see my surgeon today he said my tumor has shrunk 60-70%! In his 30 years of practice, he's never seen a result like that after only one round of the chemo.

I love my surgeon - he keeps me focused on the positive. And believe me, there's still lots of negative body reactions I'm dealing with....

My friend Bailly took me shopping for head coverings today and she really helped me pick out stuff that would look good on me. I'd have been lost without her. She's my rabbi's wife, so she's quite familiar with head coverings!

Something interesting she told me is that she's not going to call me "Allison" anymore and instead will call me by my Hebrew name, Chaya. Which is so appropriate for my success in this journey - Chaya means Life!

Got Through the First Chemo!

I'm so glad I got to start chemo today! I am very tired...maybe a side effect, but I really hardly slept last night. Should have taken a valium! Oh well, when I'm tired it relaxes me so that was good. It all went easily and well. Not scary at all. It did hurt when she put the needle into my port but after that, nothing hurt. I got IV anti-nausea med before getting all the chemo meds. And I ate my popsicles when given the Adriamycin. Whenever I felt like it, I would close my eyes and visualize the mass dying away and shrinking to nothing. And of course the little, white angels with their cute brooms. I forgot to add that email to the posts on my past emails so I will copy it below for those who didn't see that one.

The doc says that normally I will feel side effects tonight or tomorrow and if I don't feel any by the 4th day, she thinks I won't feel any. I go to my acupuncturist tomorrow - she specializes in cancer and is the one who told me about the mineral broth. So I'm looking forward to seeing her and getting that nurturing. My doc said I have to get this injection tomorrow called Neulasta which raises the white cell count and preserves the bone marrow. I balked 'cuz I thought you only got that if your counts were low. But according to her, you have to get it every time, the next day after your chemo treatment. And it can make you feel like you've got the flu - I guess that means achey.

Geoff took me to the treatment and Doris picked me up and I just read and relaxed for 4 hours...it was nice, actually. Now I get 3 weeks to recover before the next treatment. So really, it's not so bad, though I hear it gets tougher as it accumulates in your body after many treatments.

I took the remedy my rabbi gave me when I got home - it's supposed to protect against hair loss. Otherwise, I've got two to three weeks before the hair starts falling out and then I'll just shave it off. That will make me feel more in control of this.

My rabbi will be happy to know that Jason wrapped tefillin this morning in my honor, so I felt blessed on two accounts: 1. that it's very special and probably did help me today and 2. that I gave him enough Jewish education that he knows he can turn to that when he's scared. I haven't told you this but as soon as the rabbi came to replace my mezuzza my luck changed and I was able to go get the port put in on Friday instead of having to wait and put off my treatment. So my understanding is that if you have problems going on in your family or house, you need to get your mezzuzza checked for letters missing or parts of letters worn down. He sent my mezzuza off to someone who checks them and in the meantime, he put a new one in. But he said that rather than just getting a new one, it's best to fix your old one since it has all your energy in it. And he recommended I get one for outside my bedroom door - which I haven't done yet.

We are thoroughly grateful for your comments and your support. Your comments are so heartfelt and bolster me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you all there. This site is so awesome and it gives me lots of strength to know I can write to you and can see when you look at the site. And the meals we got today! Wow! We're in Italian heaven. Glenna brought meatballs, spaghetti and garlic bread. Liz brought lasagna and a salad. Yum!

I'm looking for someone who wants to volunteer to take over the list of people who want to bring meals and sort of coordinate that for me. I am also looking for novels that I can lose myself in. Any suggestions? Recently I enjoyed reading "Eat, Pray, Love" that my sister and brother-in-law suggested. My favorite books are spiritual - Jewish mystical is best. But one of my favorite books of all time was "Mists of Avalon" so that might give you an understanding of my genre.

Again, thanks for being there and below you'll see that email I sent out about visualizing angels.
Melissa

Subject: CT scan - normal
Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:35:43 +0000

Just letting everyone know that the CT scan was normal and the blood test for the gene was normal.

So Monday is the breast MRI which will determine exactly what's going on in there and if it's isolated to one breast or not.

Thursday next week is the oncologist and she'll determine the course of action after that. She'll probably tell me that Friday or the following week (first week of Nov.) will be the start of chemo in order to shrink the tumor before surgery. We'll see. I'm using ambrotose now and citrus pectin and visualization to shrink it too. Imagine lots of tiny angels with cute little brooms sweeping up and holding cells and surrounding the tumor and sending it love & singing to it, so it simply dies away and deflates like a balloon! Maybe she'll tell me by Thursday I just need a lumpectomy! Or the chemo will make it disappear entirely. Now wouldn't that be nice?

I'm very happy and relieved today to know this hasn't spread.
Thanks for thinking of me,
Melissa