Friday, February 26, 2010

Getting Angry

I haven't been wanting to write because I have been depressed still and I feel like I should be over it. But today in therapy, I realized I haven't been angry. It helped to get angry about everything rather than just cry.

The Stages of Grieving are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I go directly to acceptance and then go back to depression and just stay there. This morning before going to therapy, I had a headache. After she encouraged me to be angry, my energy came up and the headache went away.

I think I just am not used to getting angry with G-d. When I first started to try to get angry in the session, it felt so phony. I just couldn't connect with that feeling. It's easier for me to be mad at a person than it is to be mad about a situation I find myself in.

Once I got into it though, there were many situations in my life that I got angry about. I'm angry I had to lose my breasts and I'm angry I'm still dealing with medications and I'm angry I have to lose my estrogen so quickly and I'm angry that the very things I got a handle on I have to now figure out how to deal with in another way and I'm angry I have to take more medications to deal with the Aromasin and I'm really angry that the Aromasin costs $326 for a 30 day supply and I'm angry that my insurance company has a $750 deductible for non-generic meds and I'm angry I now have to start paying for all my tests because my deductible is so high and I'm angry that Aimee has to deal with me losing my breasts just when she hits puberty and I'm angry I have to deal with losing my breasts just when my daughter hits puberty and I'm angry that I have to deal with the idea that I may have a recurrence and may have to deal with the fact that Aromasin may not even work...

Yeah, my energy gets up and then crashes again. Because I tend to go right to crying instead of being angry.

So this Purim, I'm looking at putting on a different hat by being angry rather than sad. It feels like a costume because it doesn't feel like me. Last year I had to put on a wig for Purim. Remember me as a blond? My hair's really getting longer now. And I'm angry I had to lose my hair!!!!

So if I can get really angry with G-d, maybe my cries for Moshiach can be really strong too. That's a good thing. Because as we celebrate Purim, we can't help but remember a not so distant past when there was no Esther or Mordechai and no miracles and so the villain did get to kill us - around 6 million of us. So I'm angry about all that too and just because we now have risen out of the ashes with the birth of Israel, I'm still angry that Israel isn't where it should be/could be and I'm angry it has to be in fear all the time. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We want Moshiach NOW and we don't want to wait!!!!!