Getting Angry

I haven't been wanting to write because I have been depressed still and I feel like I should be over it. But today in therapy, I realized I haven't been angry. It helped to get angry about everything rather than just cry.

The Stages of Grieving are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I go directly to acceptance and then go back to depression and just stay there. This morning before going to therapy, I had a headache. After she encouraged me to be angry, my energy came up and the headache went away.

I think I just am not used to getting angry with G-d. When I first started to try to get angry in the session, it felt so phony. I just couldn't connect with that feeling. It's easier for me to be mad at a person than it is to be mad about a situation I find myself in.

Once I got into it though, there were many situations in my life that I got angry about. I'm angry I had to lose my breasts and I'm angry I'm still dealing with medications and I'm angry I have to lose my estrogen so quickly and I'm angry that the very things I got a handle on I have to now figure out how to deal with in another way and I'm angry I have to take more medications to deal with the Aromasin and I'm really angry that the Aromasin costs $326 for a 30 day supply and I'm angry that my insurance company has a $750 deductible for non-generic meds and I'm angry I now have to start paying for all my tests because my deductible is so high and I'm angry that Aimee has to deal with me losing my breasts just when she hits puberty and I'm angry I have to deal with losing my breasts just when my daughter hits puberty and I'm angry that I have to deal with the idea that I may have a recurrence and may have to deal with the fact that Aromasin may not even work...

Yeah, my energy gets up and then crashes again. Because I tend to go right to crying instead of being angry.

So this Purim, I'm looking at putting on a different hat by being angry rather than sad. It feels like a costume because it doesn't feel like me. Last year I had to put on a wig for Purim. Remember me as a blond? My hair's really getting longer now. And I'm angry I had to lose my hair!!!!

So if I can get really angry with G-d, maybe my cries for Moshiach can be really strong too. That's a good thing. Because as we celebrate Purim, we can't help but remember a not so distant past when there was no Esther or Mordechai and no miracles and so the villain did get to kill us - around 6 million of us. So I'm angry about all that too and just because we now have risen out of the ashes with the birth of Israel, I'm still angry that Israel isn't where it should be/could be and I'm angry it has to be in fear all the time. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We want Moshiach NOW and we don't want to wait!!!!!

Taxes & Reminiscing

I've been working on our taxes today and feel really resistant. It seemed easier to do this last year when I was going through chemo! I wanted to get the hard stuff over first. So it's interesting that the first thing I tackled was going over our medical expenses from last year. But I didn't realize how I would feel seeing all those medication receipts. They brought me right back.

I've been feeling lately like I'm being pulled back into all the sadness about the situation I went through, that my family's had to go through. I haven't cried, but I have touched into that sadness. I do feel sorry for myself and my body. I thought the treatment part would end one day, so I just needed to get through it and then I'd be done. But I'm not done. And we're all still healing from this past year yet, still it all continues.

My dad's coming to visit me! That's one good thing that's come out of this latest setback. He'll be here tomorrow through Saturday. Yay!

I'm still trying to get my medications right for my mental state. Last week I went to a psychiatrist and tried something (Abilify) for 3 days, then switched to something else (Wellbutrin) because someone told me bad stories about the first thing. OY! And now I'm on the Wellbutrin and feeling more energy - actually like I've drank a lot of coffee but I'm more tense, anxious and unable to fall asleep... It does take away my appetite though which is a good thing.

I went to my acupuncturist and felt safer. She told me she's glad I'm on Aromasin instead of Tamoxifen because the T can turn on you. She also suggested a urine test which shows me the type of estrogen I'm creating. There is a good type of estrogen. And if I can't take Aromasin, there's a supplement that's concentrated good stuff from broccoli.

It's scary to not take some kind of hormone regulator since it cuts recurrence in half...but I'm getting fearful of taking medications. Still, I feel I have to give it a chance - try to make it work. If it doesn't, then I can give up.

I also went to see that medium/psychic again. She gave me some good information on my continued healing. Mostly, she told me to refocus myself away from work and onto my family. I realized how much I use work as a distraction and a possible addiction. I can avoid problems of my own while I'm busy working. No wonder I worked throughout my chemo. I need to focus on my family for my healing - not work.

Here's something that she told me that may deeply touch a few of you. I asked her about the medium stuff she does and if people who've passed on will come to her as we have the reading. She told me "No", that I have to come in for that specifically, if I want that. Then she said, "but there's a grandma here with you. When I told you 'No', your grandma shouted, 'wait! I'm here!"

The other funny thing was she asked if Geoff has a sister. I said, "No." Then she said, "well, does he have a cousin he's close to?" I said, "well, he talks to a cousin who lives back east." She said, "Her name starts with "N". OH! Then I knew who she was talking about!!!! There is a very good friend who's a female who he talks to every day and whose name starts with N.

So, that's all I have for now. I've already taken a library break, a lunch break, a cookie break, and now a carepages break. I need to get back to my taxes.

A is for Aromasin

I felt really great once I got off of the Tamoxifen. Didn't realize how bad I'd been feeling.

Then I got scared about not having that protection.
So I spoke to my role models: one a breast cancer survivor for over 10 years who didn't take any Tamoxifen or other anti-estrogen med. The other was a different kind of cancer survivor who was told by her oncologist she'd die and the oncologist died instead. My friend's now in the best shape of her life over 10 years later.

After talking to these women, the job I had in front of me looked like: if you don't get back on an anti-estrogen pill, you have to get yourself in the very best shape of your life including diet, exercise, stress, emotions, thoughts, etc., etc. or you'll have a recurrence. I really didn't feel up to the challenge.

Then I went to my oncologist, Dr. Wu, and he suggested I try the Tamoxifen again. I didn't like that idea. I wanted to try the other med for post-menopausal women. There are many of those. All the same form of the same thing, slightly different so they could patent it. All have a danger of causing osteoporosis. But Tamoxifen can cause blood clots and uterine cancer so...

I asked which was the best and he said, it's a crap shoot. So I had to decide which form of this med to choose. Femara? Aromasin? Arimedex? I chose Aromasin because it sounds like Allison. How's that for good medical practice? Now that I was back on something - even something that blocks your adrenals from producing estrogen - I felt safer. That night, I woke up a few times. The next morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to exercise. I don't really want to be writing right now. I find I can push myself through this overwhelming overwhelm but it takes a lot of energy to ignore it.

I'm going to try it for a week and in the meantime, see my acupuncturist who may have some ideas for me to deal with these drugs. And I'm getting an appointment with a psychiatrist to explore the possibility of something that will carry me through not having estrogen. Celexa just isn't cutting it.

So I'll keep you posted. It's really a drag not to get to just be done with treatment and run off into the sunshine of my new boob-free life. I keep getting pulled back into dealing with this. I keep wondering what it is in G-d's plan for me to keep revisiting these things just when I thought I'd nailed them down.

I'm just trying to remember that I am being supported through all of this and get my answers in magical ways. Briefly I'll tell you about the psychic/medium I ran into who helped me know that it was the Tamoxifen that was the problem when I had been thinking instead that my anti-depressant just didn't work anymore. "There's something you're taking that picks you up and another that shuts you down...Yes, the 'T' one is the problem. If you go to a naturopath, maybe you can find something to take with it so it's not a problem." Next day I broke out in the rash. Her website: http://lesanne.com/

BTW, Happy Tu B'Shevat!!! I saw pink blossoms on the trees today. May this turn of events for me be just another blossoming. Hope you have a great weekend and a good Shabbos too.