P.S. I Love You

We're back from Palm Desert now and I'm looking forward to the new year. We had a fabulous trip that seemed to go by very quickly. I got to see my brother and my sister when I was there. Laughing with my sister while watching, "Whatever Works" by Woody Allen, was one of the highlights of my trip. It's probably been over 10 years since we've gotten together and laughed like that.

We've been visiting Palm Springs for many, many years now. I remember the first time, when I was under 10 years old. We arrived by car at night, so when I woke up in the morning, I was shocked and amazed by the mountain so close to our hotel it seemed like I could touch it. We'd drive there from Lakewood and stay at the Oasis Hotel in the beginning. I remember my Grandpa Moey there with us once and how he liked going to this one restaurant for breakfast. Then as we got older, my parents would take us to stay at the Spa Hotel which gave us more light at the end of the day since it was farther away from the mountain.

Swimming all day, laying out in the sun, drinks by the pool, charging everything to the room, massages when I got older, shopping for school clothes on the avenue, restaurants galore - I really had a blessed childhood. We'd go to Palm Springs nearly every year for Thanksgiving or Passover. We joked on Passover that we were going out to the desert to celebrate like the Israelites when they left Egypt.

After I got married and before kids, my parents bought a condo in the Palm Valley Country Club. What a life it's been! The desert was our escape for the 10 years we lived in Hermosa Beach. We've got lots of memories there and photos of the kids when they were so little. After moving back to S. Cruz, we would visit my parents there every winter and spring vacation.

Last year, we missed it completely, due to my blood counts. This year we made up for lost time. I watched as many DVDs as I could every day. My favorite DVD was "Passengers". At the theatre, I saw "Invictus", "The Blind Side", and "It's Complicated". Ate so much I probably gained 10 pounds - Sherman's Deli was my favorite and they even had some sugar-free cakes & rugelach. Got a massage. Sat out in the sun and enjoyed the mountains overlooking the golf course. Took a ride on the tram up to the snow. And hugged my dad and mom as much as I could.

My mom's contemplating selling the place. If she does, we'll probably still go to Palm Springs but just stay in hotels like we used to. It's the best place to unwind and relax. Some people think it's a strange place - plastic. But I've got a theory why so many Jews love that place: deep down, we were made to enjoy a blooming desert.

The only disappointment for me in the desert due to my new body was not getting to go in the hot tubs like I used to. They can cause lymphedema in my arms. When I got the massage, I put my feet into the hot tub but didn't dare go any further. The weird thing is that whenever I look at that hot tub, I remember when I weaned Jason (way too early), and used that heat to empty some of my sore milk ducts.

The other thing I noticed is that on the trip there my right hand swelled even though I wore my sleeves on the plane. Not a huge swelling, but noticeable. It didn't do that on the way home, so I realized it could have been too much trauma to my arm going on a plane so close after getting my arm punctured for the PET scan. It was a good warning for me and made me less sorry for myself about the hot tub.

The good thing is that I'm getting more used to seeing myself flat and am enjoying not having to wear anything. I do think I look better and thinner with a flat chest. So that's encouraging.

I hope you all have a wonderful vacation and a very Happy New Year.

What Doesn't Kill You...

Dark Paths

By Tzvi Freeman

"He could have placed streetlamps along all the pathways of wisdom, but then there would be no journey. Who would discover the secret passages, the hidden treasures, if all of us homed in straight for our destination?"


Tomorrow's the last day of radiation - YAY!! I'm celebrating by buying the paper goods for Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party. And my kids are coming home from their big trip around 3pm (G-d Willing). That will be a treat in itself.

I have been fighting the radiation burn pretty successfully with lots of different lotions. I made a friendship that I will continue after I'm done. And she has her own story of horror: her surgeon told her after her lumpectomy that they had to do it all over again because the lump was bigger than they thought!

Yesterday I went to the Lymphedema clinic and was told there's no need for me to return - unless I get swelling that doesn't go away. I will be letting go of the sleeves next week. She reassured me and gave me more info and so I am not afraid of the disease anymore. Another person who got radiation when I did had 17 lymph nodes taken out of one arm and her hand is swollen. I felt sorry for her and I was so grateful that my doc only took 7.

The past week (while the kids were gone), I found myself thinking about that saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Twice I heard Geoff reference that saying while telling a friend that motherhood didn't kill me, but it did weaken me. Whereas this diagnosis & treatment has made me stronger.

With the kids away from home, I found myself obsessed with what Geoff said and wondering why motherhood didn't make me stronger and why breast canSer did.

When Jason was a newborn, he had reflux which made him a terrible sleeper and a screamer. I had thought I would always go back to work but when he needed medication 20 minutes before every feeding, it was hard to trust anyone else to know when he was getting hungry in order to give him his medicine. Harder still was trusting someone to know how to hold him off for 20 minutes before getting fed. The first time I got a baby-sitter and pumped and got out to my office to see my one client, she was a no-show. That was the last time I tried to go back to my practice for 10 years.

In the meantime, my health began to fail when in addition to weekly migraines, I was having severe insomnia from my baby's sleep habits. Then came Aimee and I ended up selling my furniture to the woman who was sub-leasing my office. It was really hard to let that go. I had done the office up so nice and it had a view of the ocean and the Hermosa Beach Pier.

After moving from So. CA. back to S. Cruz, my life wrapped around the lives of two little people. I volunteered in their classrooms and focused on their needs, while trying to catch a few hours here and there for myself when they were in school. Baily and I had a great time back then, hanging out together and talking while our kids would entertain each other.

Then Aimee got into kindergarten and first grade and I finally got a full 6 hours all to myself. But at the time, our school board was threatening to close our school and I became consumed with advocating for my kids through the loss of all that was familiar and the move to another school. That was when I became PTA president to help make that transition work for us as well as I could.

I suppose focusing on my kids to the extent I did wore me down. It also gave me an excuse for not having to face my fears of going back to working at my practice. I had been holding the belief that I never really liked that work anyway. Plus, the thought of dealing with others' problems seemed overwhelming when I had so many of my own. I couldn't imagine taking care of one more person. And I held the belief that I was never really good at being a therapist anyway.

I couldn't imagine building a practice again after being out of the field for so long. I was very insecure and didn't think I could ever market myself the way I'd built my practice the first time. Unfortunately, I had no idea all I needed to do was apply to insurance companies and they'd send me clients without my having to teach any classes or market myself in any way. Working with the insurance companies and doing all that paperwork didn't appeal to me, so I never pursued it.

That's when I tried to market to mothers. I felt I had a real good picture of what problems they faced and had the heart to help mothers like me. Unfortunately the website I created and the workshop I led didn't build the kind of practice I had before when all I did was lead a workshop to build it. Luckily I ended up trying the insurance companies just in time to catch this canSer before it turned into a stage 4. Once I had regular clients coming in I must have felt secure enough to finally get that mammogram and face what I didn't want to face and had no clue I would have to face.

So I guess where I'm going with all this is that maybe having my practice finally going right before getting diagnosed helped me to stay stronger through this ordeal than through the ordeal of motherhood. It's been helpful because it's something I do for me that helps me feel stronger and accesses the best part of me. So it reminds me of my strengths.

Going through this diagnosis and treatment has also made me stronger by reducing my tendency to lose myself in other people's problems or get overwhelmed by them - like I may have before when I had my earlier practice. My life is just too precious now and my energy too important not to protect. I don't go down that co-dependent road as much as I used to. So doing this work is not as draining as it was and I can be better at it than I was before.

There's nothing like staring death in the face to make you rise to the occasion. Of course the anti-depressant helps tremendously. In addition to no more migraines, it would be very easy to give up and just want to die instead of live if I didn't have a handle on my tendency toward depression. Getting my practice going and getting on Celexa right before getting diagnosed was such a miracle for me. I could not have survived this year and all its trials without either my practice or Celexa.

I think there's one more important piece that I have now that I didn't have back when I was a new mother. Geoff. Ok, I did have him back then but truthfully, I was the one to work in the classrooms, help with the homework, make the dinners, clean the house, work on the yard, pay the bills, do the taxes, get the kids ready for school in the morning and take them to school. I pretty much had gotten used to doing it all and not asking for his help. Gradually, through the years, he's taken on many of these tasks and thankfully, through this canSer challenge, he's been doing everything.

I have not had to do anything but focus on myself and get better.

Focusing on myself has been so healing. Not having any other responsibilities but your own self-care has got to be THE way to make sure that what can kill you instead makes you stronger. I'm in my own therapy, I've got my own carepages for writing therapy, I'm reconnecting with friends, I'm watching TV whenever I get tired, I can sleep in if I've had a rough night, I go to acupuncture weekly, I've had more massages this year than probably my entire life, I found an exercise I can do regularly that I really like, etc. My life is no longer so entirely wrapped around two other beings. I am finally able to take care of myself.

It's a Party!

Bailly offered to put together a party for me to celebrate the end of the hard part of my treatment. I wasn't sure at first whether to do something at my house or to take her up on her offer. Then I realized that not only would it be easier on me, but she'd do a better job at putting something together and the party would now take on spiritual significance. I guess it's traditional to sponsor a Kiddush after making it through something like I've gone through. So I've already got 30 people or more, including kids, set to come over to Bailly's house on Saturday (Shabbos).

It still doesn't quite feel like I should be celebrating yet because I'm going through a lot emotionally. But it is also my 50th birthday and I have gone through the most difficult of the treatment and had a clean cat scan. So I need to commemorate this passage somehow and it will be nice to see everyone - including my parents and niece.

The emotional stuff I've been going through this week has to do with fears of getting Lymphedema. I've been told it's something I DO NOT want to get and yet I'm a great candidate for it. My lymph nodes have been taken out on both sides and I'm getting radiation to one of those sides which doubles my risk.

So prevention is key. I've been wearing uncomfortable pressurized arm sleeves which I'll need to wear everyday for the next few months and every time I fly for the rest of my life. I'm also refusing any blood draws in the arms and blood pressure checks. I almost had a nurse inject my arm with iodine last week for the ct scan because my oncologist said it was fine to do that. Luckily she couldn't find a vein and got frustrated enough to ask the radiation tech if she could try the other arm and he stopped her and called the surgeon. The surgeon told them to absolutely not inject anything in my arm veins right now. Close call. Freaked me out.

I never got the bone scan since it requires an injection into the vein of the arm. I refused the injection and told the tech that my surgeon didn't want me to get the one for the ct scan. He tried my foot veins (painful) and told me never to let anyone even try them - they are too small.

So I've come to accept that getting the bone scan right now doesn't matter. They got to see some of the bones on the ct scan anyway. And I can't be mad at my surgeon for taking lymph nodes on the side that only had a nodule because it was an invasive cancer and so it's standard of care to sample those lymph nodes too.

I just have to learn to be a good advocate for myself - which I'm afraid I'm not very good at. All I can do is try to prevent it as best as I can. I also have to accept the fact that I may get lymphedema and if so, reassure myself that I'll be able to handle.

I went for a ct scan at the radiation oncologist today. She told me that I need another 2 weeks to heal before the radiation starts. Going to a new doc and getting more tests and going over what's left in my nodes and what she's targeting and why made me feel scared all over again. I'd rather not know all this stuff.

Lately I've just been feeling like letting myself not have to wear anything to look like my former self. Scarves are my friends. Jackets are my other friends. Especially since I accidentally burned myself when my surgeon told me to use hot compresses to break up the scar tissue. I am still numb across the surgery site and so now I have a burn blister in one spot. Didn't know how hot the compress was.

The good news is that I've been told over and over how good the surgery site looks. They tell me I'm healing well and my surgeon is such a good surgeon. I'm able to stretch my arms up over my head already too.

Looking forward to the party and to seeing everyone - especially, my parents.

Getting Ready for Last Chemo

I need to clear off my desk today and am finding lots of other distracting things to do like this update and putting up the photos of my Grabelle side of the family. Mom just went back home today which makes it appropriate to post her side of the family. We had a great time with her and it was really nice to spend it with her all by herself.

Jason enjoyed laughing with his grandma about the show, "The Office" which they both love. Both Aimee and Jason got to buy some new clothes. We all enjoyed Greek food, seafood, and Thai food. Jason and Aimee went out to the movies with Grandma while I saw my clients. And Geoff and I got to have good conversations with her. She left with a smaller bank account but her cup full of my family.

The topic of mastectomy without reconstruction is an ongoing theme in my life these days. I thoroughly explored that "sentenced2live" website with the photos. She's some woman. If you try to find photos of the result of this surgery online, you won't find anything with a face on it. She was determined to make that change and wrote that when she was taking those photos on the beach, the lifeguard drove around her several times trying to decide whether to tell her to put a shirt on or not!

Seeing her photos of before and immediately after the surgery along with her 4 years later on the beach were very empowering as well. I know I'm not going to be as beautiful, shapely or young as she is, but her photos gave me the thought that I might not be so hideous as I thought I'd be. And I've been posing in front of the mirror, lifting them up and covering them to see just what it will look like.

I don't want to go through any more surgeries so I thank you all for not trying to convince me to have reconstruction. My mom proposed the question: if Geoff died, G-d forbid, would I want to look good (have reconstruction) in order to attract another husband? I said, if he was gone, I'd rather live alone than remarry! And if I change my mind, I would hope that whoever I was attracted to would accept me as I am! And I do know someone who did find someone just like that...

Anyway, if I ever change my mind down the road, the reconstruction doesn't include silicone-filled bags inside your body. It includes a big surgery that would actually work much better since it includes using your own body to make fake breasts. And they use your belly fat! Wouldn't that be nice to get rid of?
But they also take skin from your sides and maybe your back and your belly - it can take 8-12 hours of surgery or more. It doesn't sound like the easiest thing to recover from and besides, you still have to get tatoos for nipples and still have completely lost any feeling and prevent yourself from being able to easily feel a recurrence if it ever happened. So no thanks.

I went to Horsnyders and got a camisole with cotton-pillow-fake-breasts. I also got arm sleeves to prevent Lympedema - to be worn after surgery. When I fully recover from the surgery, I'll go back there and get some real prostheses which my insurance will cover. Who knows if I'll wear them or what I'll eventually do. I never thought I'd wear a wig and look at me now. I've been wearing one all day for the past 3.

My hair's coming back in. I've got a 1/4 inch layer all over my head. My eyebrows are starting to come back in too. One day all this will be a memory. The end is coming soon. I just hope I don't mentally go back to my old self and instead bring what I've learned forward with me. It's a windy, but sunny day today (oh, maybe I just had allergies and not a cold!) and I look forward to completing my last chemo on Wednesday and starting the last difficult part of this whole experience.

My visualization cd is helping me prepare by visualizing those competent people who will help and assist in the surgery, seeing my body cooperate fully by hardly bleeding at all and recovering and healing quickly and easily. I'm reading a book called, "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster" subtitled, "A Guide of Mind-Body Techniques" by Peggy Huddleston. It's giving me lots of new insights.

One of the new insights has to do with saying goodbye to this part of my body. I really understood what my breasts represented to me after reading this book while waiting in the car for Mom & the kids to shop. My breasts represent the part of me that gives and gives to others without thinking about what I need for myself. This also means they represent my difficulty in saying no and setting limits when I feel like I need to be there for someone else. They are very happy to be released from those obligations and I'm so ready to let those ways of being go. I'm exhausted and depleted from that stuff. I'm over it. I'm grateful that I can allow a body part to represent that for me because it's the ultimate in letting go rituals.

I appreciate having had the willingness to nurse Aimee until she was 3. I appreciate having a personality that is so able to be there so completely for others in a nurturing way. It's one of my strengths as a therapist. And I appreciate the recognition that part of my healing is to be there as completely for myself. And it's definitely a communication learning experience for me to be honest and say no and yet stay connected to people.

(My personality type on the Enneagram is #9 which you can read more about here. It's a fun system and you can learn more about your own type too. I use this system in my practice. If

you go there, let me know what you think your type is.)

Ok, on to cleaning off my desk and the last week that's the beginning of the end of this chapter of my life.