Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday and I'm 52. I'll never forget my 50th birthday party at Baily's right after my surgery. So it's easy for me to count how many years of survival that I've had so far.

For me, birthdays have always been days of doing whatever I want to do. This was easy before having children but now that my kids are grown up, I get to focus more on myself again. It's not that every other day of the year is not for focusing on myself but there's something about birthdays that gives me more permission to do whatever I want to do with my day.

"It's your birthday, you get to choose where we go out to eat." "It's your birthday, you get to have cake!" "It's your birthday, did you have a happy one?"

So, on my birthday, I give myself this permission. It's a special day, as if all the others aren't. I get to make all the decisions, as if the rest of the time I don't? I get to eat sugary stuff guilt free, as if the guilt must be present every other day of the year? I get to ask myself, "what do I really want to do right now?" every moment of the day. It needs to be MY day! And if I don't want to do something, I don't!" - as if every moment is supposed to be somehow much more important than any other day.

Since diagnosis, I've been living my life, every day, like each day is my birthday. So this year's birthday is not so different actually, from any other day of my week. Whenever I remember it's my birthday today, I stop and ask myself if I'm really happy doing whatever it is I'm doing at the moment, like I do every other day.

So this birthday, I'm getting to learn about how far I've come since diagnosis with the task of living a life that's stress free and meaningful. Each day is special and every day is about living and loving the life I have and the people who share it with me.

These are the changes I've made to assist me with that task:

1. I've cut my client load down to 4 days a week with no more than 3-4 appointments a day. I've got a calendar online where people can schedule appointments that only shows my openings so it's easier for me to keep to my boundaries.

2. I give myself permission to sit in bed with a cup of tea and a golden retriever in my lap, watching TV whenever I'm tired. And it's ok to be tired. I'm a bit anemic right now and went through a big deal a few years ago and now have a 13 year old daughter while working!

3. I make time to connect with my kids, my husband and friends on a regular basis.

Etc. (I could go on and on but these things are the most important to me)

I have implemented now permissions and priorities in my life so I can keep my stress levels down. This way I can have a birth day 365 days of the year for the rest of the time I have coming to me.

Freedom

My oncologist told me that I really didn't need to get scanned again unless I have a suspicious lump or pain. So that was a relief. I felt so happy and like, wow, it's really over. Then slowly, it creeped up on me: I started to worry and wonder what the heck I'm doing now with the rest of my life besides having the stress of parenting a 13 year old daughter.

Crazy. I couldn't just be happy with no scans anymore...

Then I noticed one night that my bra was really leaving a deep indentation on my left side, under my arm. Next day I looked in the mirror and discovered a red welt the size of a 3 x 5 card stretching from the little white scars left from my drains under my arm, across my bra line 5 inches and up toward my scapula 3 inches.

I had been feeling depressed and very tired, like whatever I was supposed to be doing with the rest of my life, I really had no energy for. (And beating myself up for only wanting to watch TV all day). Then the red welt shows up and the doc tells me it's "cellulitis" which means antibiotics for a staph infection.

Called Dad because when I heard "staph", I got scared. He did too. Told me to do continuous wet heat on the welt and he called to check on me everyday to see if it was getting better.

So I learned that when I'm depressed and tired, maybe I'm not to blame and shouldn't push myself...it could be staph!

It forced me to stay in bed (what a good excuse) and watch TV day after day, as much as I could, so I could sit with continuous heat on my welt.

I am now 7 days out and the welt has receded and the doc gave me the ok but I'm still sitting with heat as much as I can until it disappears entirely. Plus, I've decided not to think about what else I need to be doing with the rest of my life.

Work has slowed down and I'm very busy with lots of healthy self-help. Two writing classes, one support group, and one life coaching for cancer survivors. The writing's been a blast and pretty soon I'll have the energy to post some of it online.

Anyway, just again realizing I'm needing to take good care of myself and possibly get used to my belly (which I can see when looking down now that I'm not wearing my bra (falsies) anymore. Hey, maybe I will start thinking this belly I inherited from my dad is really cute! I think his is! So why not mine?

Yes, enjoy your life Melissa. You have so much to be grateful for, not to mention Spring came in January here on the west coast... If you can find a plowed runway, catch a plane and come on out to visit! No snow!

Breast Surgery Anniversary

As you already know, I love to learn from the Jewish holidays as they relate to the flow of my life. Right now we're in the Omer Counting days between Pesach and Shavous where the custom/tradition is to act as if we're in a period of mourning. No haircuts, shaving, celebrations (like a marriage), no listening to music, etc. It's interesting to me that my surgery anniversary is during the counting this year. I also got together with my radiation buddies today and enjoyed our friendships so much - it's been about a year since we've met.

I like to take it upon myself to abstain from listening to music during this time. Music is always so much more amazing when I start listening to it again once the counting is over. This of course means that right now I am listening to audio lectures, learning and learning. It's a serious learning time right now and as always we are working on improving ourselves. During this time, we look at one of the sefirot each day and how each one interacts with the others within our own character traits.

This week was Pesach Sheni, which used to be a second chance to offer the Pesach sacrifice in the Temple, if you had not offered it during Passover - for any reason - even if you just refused or didn't want to do it at the proper time. So it's a second chance day - another day of reminding us that Tshuva is possible no matter what mistakes we make or how awful we've been. There's always a second chance to turn ourselves and our lives in a positive direction. Plus, you get to eat more matzo, so unless yours is now stale, it can be a yummy day!

On the day of 2nd chances I went to see my oncologist for my 3-4 month check-up. I was very frightened about this visit because in the past he told me I'd be getting scans every 3-4 months for the first year after treatment. After talking to the oncologist again though, he pretty much said it's my choice how often I get scans. Some people are extremely frightened of recurrence and they do them as much as they can. Others don't. What I got from all my questions about it, gives me this dilemma: do I want to possibly die in 20 years from a different form of cancer due to all of the radiation I've had in the past year or do I want to skip the scan and possibly miss something that may grow to the point of not catching it before it's too late? What would you do if it happened to you????????? (Isn't that a line from Dr. Seuss?)

Anyway, I ran it by Aimee, Solomon the Wise, twelve years old, and she said, "Mom, this is how you got yourself into trouble in the first place!"

So, I guess that warning was my 2nd chance.

Since I can't get the cat scan with the iodine (because of my non-lymph noded arms) and the pet scan shows more, I will get one of those by June, if the insurance agrees to it. That will make it 6 months since my last scan.

I am also getting blood tests for Vit D3, C Reactive Protein (to test my inflammation), and Glycohemoglobin A1C which shows my blood sugar levels over the past 3 months. I've learned from nutritionist, Jeanne Wallace, that those 3 tests help to determine how well you are doing on your diet. As inflammation rises, so do your chances for growing cancer... spikes in blood sugar increases your chance for growing cancer. She has very specific numbers where she feels you are in good shape - numbers that are more strict than the standard of care. And my acupuncturist has supplements that I can increase, as needed, along my diet tweaks.

I am also getting a urine test for the levels and types of estrogen my body produces.

Yes, this year's Counting of the Omer has been very serious in many ways and somewhat difficult in many other ways that I can't go into here. And it's all about the freedom we started to look at on Passover. So whatever you find yourself going through, it's about finding more freedom. (I'm learning from listening to Rabbi Riskin's cd he sent out to all of his supporters) And freedom has to do with getting rid of all the humetz/puffiness/arrogance in your personality & mind.

Whatever's been difficult these past weeks, it's for your own refinement and is giving you a chance to let go of the way you've always been...the way that's been hurting you, whatever you've been holding on to that's not working...whatever philosophies and attitudes that you don't want to let go of. And it isn't easy to admit that you've been wrong all along...but it is the way to freedom. Your idols can't be your own wrong thinking! Make yourself as humble as the bread of affliction, the bread of humility, the stale matzo you haven't thrown out yet!

And as you step back you can then spring forward even stronger! Yay!

Interesting that I am wearing my fake boobs again and working through that one. It's OK now for me to wear them or not to wear them. It's OK to do what makes me feel like I look better. And it's OK to not wear them when I don't want to. And OK to wear a bra again even though I promised myself I wouldn't have to wear a bra ever again once the breasts were removed... Boy, was that promise to myself a slavery of sorts and now I am free. I can change my mind and see where I've been wrong. I can get another scan even though I don't like the radiation of my own cell phone.

Jews believe in the ultimate redemption. We are all empowered to create a better world. It will not be destroyed, it will be perfected. And we're not alone in that endeavor so we will never be allowed to fail.

Can't wait for this counting time to be over Erev May 18th when we symbolically get to a place of deserving to be given the Ten Utterances. You don't get to the promised land if you are worshiping idols of gold at the bottom of the mountain. And I've been getting really sick of the worship of gold. "Goldina Mandina" is not all about that. Instead there is an invisible One that offers us 10 concrete laws to follow so we can, in partnership, make this world a better place. (And there are 7 concrete laws for non-Jews, called the Laws of Noah). So no one ever has to wonder about what is right and what is wrong, nor make your own self the idol that makes those decisions.

(Murder is just wrong, for example...there are no hidden good intentions or reasons that make it right. A murderer is not a freedom fighter. A murderer is not a poor, uneducated, underprivileged Latino that just happens to need to be in a gang and have his own territory to feel safe and powerful. OK, maybe I'm a bigot but I'm on a rampage now because a 17 year old was shot to death right around the block from my house during this counting time. And aren't you sick of the Sentinel telling all the kids not to wear red or antagonize them????? I know it's stupid to antagonize gang members but pride in the Westside never meant, I'll kill you or you'll kill me. Why can't they separate gang gatherings if their intentions are to murder? I just don't get how the focus in the Sentinel is all on us taking more precautions instead of the gang membership being dismantled...Geoff says they are probably keeping mum what they are doing with the gangs in order not to tip them off....

Anyway, lots of seriousness in this writing today. And sorry for foaming at the mouth. I sure did write a lot and seem to not be able to cut things out... May we all have only learning experiences that appear clearly good during these days of counting. And may we have many, many days of celebrations and listening to music.

Hanukkah Lights & Radioactive Lights

I've been pretty anxious this week about the PET scan. First I was told I'd be radioactive for 6 hours afterword and should sit in the back seat when Geoff drives me home. Then I was told I only needed to do that if driven by a pregnant woman. So truthfully, I didn't know what to believe.

The scan was this morning and I'll get the results tomorrow. What happens is they give you an IV with radioactive material and some floro-something-glucose. You've been fasting and so the body will send the glucose to the most active cells. That's how they find the bad cells since they grow the fastest.

This week has been one of pondering the connection between ignoring a lump in my breast and ignoring the signs of a scam. In neither case did I do what I needed to do - logically - to protect myself. My behavior is quite scary and my foolishness just shocking to me. What is this denial of reality all about? Why do I do these things? And what am I being a fool about right now that will bite me in the butt later?

That's why I kind of like not wearing my fake boobs lately. Aside from the fact that the only camisole that's comfortable gave me a rash on my stomach, I am enjoying just being who I really am. I also got myself a medical bracelet to protect my arms when I can't. Really, having a flat chest isn't so bad. It makes me look slim.

I like to remind myself of all I went through and to even scare myself a bit with the scenario that my doc will call me and say they saw something in the scan. Believe it or not, the scenario keeps me grounded. It makes me remember what it felt like the first time I was diagnosed. A little over a year ago. How quickly I forget.

There's something about staying in the dark, rather than being in the light of clarity that has to do with my tendency toward denial of reality. But the dark feels like light to me when I'm in denial. I think I've got this fabulous chance to get paid to shop or I've got this fabulous immunity to cancer with all the natural stuff I do. Then I get hit with the light and I find myself radioactive.

Maybe I just don't want to see the dark or believe in it. Do my clients love me because I am so accepting, understanding and boundary-less? Am I in denial about all of them too? I just don't want my blinders to hurt me anymore.

One dark thing I was sure of was those Nazi flags downtown. The rabbis from Beth El got to work on that and the landlord made him take them down. But then we had another battle with the public menorah that raised its head.

A couple of months ago I heard that the "atheists" in town were emailing and calling the rabbi to protest the menorah. He invited them to his house (like all Chabad rabbis do with everyone) and what I was curious about was, "were they Jewish?" Some Jews are not happy with public displays - separation of church and state and perhaps some fears about being thrown in gas ovens. But Chabad wears its Judaism on it's sleeve, hat, beard, tzitsis, and in your face. And no, they weren't Jewish and only one person showed up to his home.

Their conversation was interesting - of course, I had to ask the rabbi, what ever did he say to this person? The conversation revolved around this woman's fear of people believing in things that aren't real and she hopes for the day that everyone will believe in science and only science. The rabbi's response was to say something like, "Well, I'd be afraid if that happened again since people who only cared about science did some horrific experiments on my people in Nazi Germany."

Anyway, shortly after the Nazi flag fiasco, we started to hear about the city council telling the rabbi that their permit they've given over the years for the menorah lighting should have contained a requirement to have round the clock security. This of course would have made it financially impossible to have the menorah up. Well, the public rose up to support the menorah and the city council "caved". (BTW, all this occurred around the same time as my article was in the paper - and I realized that the editor protected me by cutting out anything that might have caused more controversy.)

So the rabbi wrote us all an email stating that Chabad was now going to host a concert/Chanukah party in tribute to the overwhelming support for the public menorah. He wrote: "The Lubavitcher Rebbe of blessed memory taught us that when faced with adversity, one must endeavor to rise not merely back to status quo, but to greater heights than before. That way the adversity itself becomes a tool for goodness, by becoming the impetus to greater good than before. Light comes not only after the darkness, but from within it!"

These words were really the theme I had rolling around in my mind all through my diagnosis and treatment this past year. They also remind me of the meaning behind the entire Chanukah story when the Hasmoneans won their battle to keep their religion despite Syrian-Greeks slaughtering pigs in the Holy Temple. On the 8 nights of Hanukah, the menorah increases in light each night while the band that will perform in S. Cruz is called, "the 8th Day": http://www.My8thDay.com - the name may have something to do with Hanukah but I've been told that the #8 is a mystical number because it is outside of the normal 7 days of the week - and represents the miracle that occurred so long ago. The 8th Day band is an Hasidic rock band that has the rabbi's cousin as a member. I've always been their biggest fan in S. Cruz so I think the rabbi is holding this party just for me!!!!

So tomorrow night, I'm looking forward to celebrating more light in S. Cruz at Vet's Hall with the 8th Day band, along with a clean PET scan result. I'll write again this week to report the result to you before we go away for 2 weeks to Palm Desert to be with my parents.

Had to Cry Today

I had a good cry. Sobbing. It felt good. It was another layer of grieving the loss of my breasts.

It started with a dream I had where a man, a lover, was touching my scars with gentleness and fondness for me. I became aware again of what I'm missing and how this whole horrible surgery thing really effected me on a deep level. Not only did I lose body parts that meant a lot to me as a nurturer and as a mother but I lost parts that made me feel attractive, sexy, intriguing and alluring. Not to mention the hair loss which also factors in.

Really I've been "powering through" since the surgery and trying to maintain my composure and trying to accept myself as I am. So it felt nice to be able to instead, let down and cry about it all again. Crying brings me more into reality than just pushing myself forward and trying to keep myself focused on the positive.

When I decided to get my breasts removed, it was a decision based on fear. I didn't want those time bombs on my chest. It was also something that my doctors encouraged - especially for the left side. But I couldn't imagine being one-breasted and then worrying about the time-bomb factor with the other side since there had already been a nodule there. What I did was tell myself, well, you won't have breasts anymore but you also won't ever have those sores underneath them after a hot day and you will be able to go bra-less. It will be freeing.

But it's not freeing when you have to wear falsies and put them into a bra or camisole every morning and take them out again and place them into their boxes to sleep at night. They have their own little cradles to keep them in shape. When it's hot outside or I'm just wanting to feel free - like I thought I'd be able to do after the surgery - I can't because then I feel ugly.

When I'm not wearing the falsies, I look in the mirror and hate what I see. My chest looks concave and my belly is round. I don't feel attractive at all. So I feel bound to having wear the falsies to feel good about myself.

This week I listened to a podcast about our relationship with money by Morgana Rae where she talked about your "money monster". Her point is that if you want to heal your relationship with money, you need to look at money as a person you are in a relationship with. My money monster doesn't think anything I do is good enough to get paid for. It's never satisfied with me and is withholding. It also believes that I have to work really hard at something I don't like doing in order to get what I want. It's a man who's old and balding and really skinny with a pointed nose and a pinched face. He's always critical of me - I never do enough or anything well enough.

Morgana says you need to divorce your money monster and get rid of him. Then you need to create your "money honey".

Well, I had great fun with that. My money honey is younger than me, looks really yummy and thinks I'm just the most beautiful, alluring and sexy woman in the entire universe. My money honey thinks I'm hot. My money honey even likes my scars. They're a turn on for him!

I was shocked! How could you like that? But as the dialog continued, I realized where I am headed in the direction of self-love. The appreciation I need to have for myself goes way deeper than my appearance and my looks. My money honey loves those scars, they remind him of the depth of who I am and the beauty of what I've gone through.

I'm still playing around with this and find it entirely enjoyable. He's with me a lot and I ask him for his opinion about choices I'm making. And he's so great, I'll do anything to keep him happy. But it's confusing to me when he says he just wants me to be happy, but he was happy when I was sobbing today. So I'm still in dialog and trying to understand it.

The happier I am, the more I shine with the depth of who I am. But if I'm sad or mad or otherwise upset, he loves me just the same - as long as I stay on my own side. He's with me when I can love myself no matter what I do or how I feel. He's unconditional.

One thing I'm doing better these days is speaking my mind with people I interact with. I'm doing better at standing up for myself and even knowing that I need to, whereas before, I was unaware that I even needed to. Normally I just clammed up and resented the person who hurt me rather than stand up for myself and ask for what I want.

Geoff and I went out for a delicious lunch today at Hawg's for our 21st anniversary. I loved the food and the conversation was really important. I enjoyed every bit of the conversation even though all we talked about was this past year and how it's effected us.

On to better and better years together. May this past year only bring us closer together.

My deck should be enclosed by next week and I can't wait to share photos.

Day of Rest

I don't think the carepages notification system has been working right...so you may find that you are behind by 3 updates...

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This past week was really crazy for me. I felt like I was running around and very busy the entire week. Was it just me or did you feel that way too?

If it was just me, I think it's a sign to me about how I'm dealing with this canServersary...keeping busy enough not to feel anything about it. I got Aimee a 12 foot trampoline this week and discovered that my arms didn't swell up with lympedema from putting it together practically all by myself (not to say Techy didn't help tremendously). But then I had the carpets cleaned and boy oh boy, can I tell you how much furniture I moved around and lifted?

My lower back told me last night when I finally got into bed.

What is going on with me? I was carrying around furniture yesterday thinking, "I need to remember I'm recovering...maybe I'll start wearing that pink bracelet with the ribbon on it to remind me." Or do I need to get a medical bracelet to remind me? Or am I just not wanting to face the memory of this past year right now?

Last year at this time, I couldn't stop crying. This year, I can't stop myself from running away from it all. I reach into the top of my shirt and reach down between my camisole and those beautiful fake boobies and feel the scar and cringe. I just want to get on with my life and pretend this year never happened. I want my hair long again no matter who tells me I look great with short hair. But some things are impossible. And I shouldn't run from reality if I want to stay alive. I need to force myself to keep remembering I'm a very recent survivor because all I want to do is run away.

I guess at least that tells you how great I feel physically anyway. I get tired though when I push myself and so I have to force myself to remember I'm a recent survivor.

So I was incredibly happy that today was the day of rest. Since becoming friends with Baily and hanging out with her on Saturdays, I found myself really enjoying the absence of my running on at least one day of the week, every week. Over the years I've cut a couple of things out of most of my Saturdays: the computer & shopping. It's rare that I do those things on the day of rest anymore. And mostly, I only drive when I go to Baily's house.

I used to download and print articles from Chabad website to read on that day so I could avoid turning on the TV. I'd only watch if Geoff turned it on. But since getting sick last year, TV's become my friend and my Saturdays, unless I go to Baily's, consist of sitting in bed and watching TV all day. Not the holiest of habits for the day of rest.

Still, I find the permission to rest irresistible. And so I take it on like the commandment it is. But I am not exactly anywhere close to being traditionally Shomer Shabbos. Maybe one of these days I'll get back to the holy part and get myself to read instead of watching TV. Or get myself over to Baily's where I know I won't do anything but chat and eat and relax.

Tomorrow night starts the Shabbos of Shabbosim (or at least I think it's been called that): Yom Kippur, where we rest from all kinds of earthly pursuits. We fast (which darn, my doctor said I was healthy enough for), and we wear white and hope to achieve angelic heights with the day-long prayers and fasting.

A group of our friends has been getting together to break the fast over the past few years and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. It's a bit embarrassing - where I've been this past year - and I'm not sure what that embarrassment is all about. Maybe I'm just being shy and don't want attention but I'm sure this canServersary of mine is going to be on the minds of many of my peeps on Monday.

Yom Kippur is the one holiday that nearly every Jew celebrates and so when I was younger, the Temple I grew up in had to rent out a very large church for the occasion. I remember my friend, Nancy and I, sneaking candy bars in the church bathroom because we were "fasting". My kids are going to try to fast - we'll see how well they do. It's not easy - especially if you are home the whole time and not in services. But I won't let them go to school no matter how much homework they will need to make up. It's just that kind of a holiday and schools should be off for it - it's not fair to the Jewish kids to have to make up a day missed for religious purposes.

The liturgy for Yom Kippur is fabulous but towards the end we read about the horrific deaths of our most revered sages. All of them were tortured and it is unpleasant to be reminded of the dark past of our people. Especially when you think if this could happen to the great, holy rabbis, what could happen to a shmo like me? But this is Yom Kippur and this is it's wonderful ability to bring you to your knees, remembering that you are not in control of it all, a Higher Power is, and the reasons that certain things happen is ultimately beyond your puny human understanding. Yes, everyone who really participates in Yom Kippur in a deep way, goes through their own canServersary.

Anyway, I hope you all get a notification of this update and for those of you celebrating Yom Kippur tomorrow night and Monday, I wish you a very meaningful holiday and a very easy fast.

New Moon - Elul - CT Scan

I got a CT scan this morning and it showed no metastatic canSer. Just a cyst on one of my kidneys that my dad says means nothing. Still I will see my oncologist tomorrow anyway to ask about it.

The tamoxifen may not be side-effecting me - or not just yet. I am waking up a lot during my sleep lately, but that could just be normal for me. Or due to anxiety over the scan.

I've been listening to a lot of audios on chabad.org about the coming holidays. There are 60 days that start with tonight's full moon - the Jewish months of Elul and Tishrei - that are full of holidays. First Rosh HaShana, then Yom Kippur, then Sukkot, and finally, Simchas Torah.

Of course I'm focusing on the first two holidays in my studies because it's the anniversary of my diagnosis. Geoff calls it my "canServersary". He says it was October 7th last year but I'm just focusing on the Jewish calendar myself, and Rosh haShana starts the night of Sept. 18th this year.

He pointed out that Jason was born on April 7th, Aimee on August 7th and my canServersary is October 7th. (maybe that's when I was reborn) But he forgets that my brother's birthday is Dec. 7th and my dad's is Sept. 7th.

Anyway, Ani Lidodi V'dodi Li is how you say in Hebrew, "I am for my Beloved and my Beloved is for me". That's a line from a part of Torah called, Shir haShirim or "Song of Songs" written by King Solomon. And the first letter of each of those words spells out the word for the Jewish month that starts tonight - Elul.

This line from Song of Songs represents the tone we start with for the month of Elul when we have both holidays that commemorate the birthday of the world or the creation of man (Rosh haShana) and the day of forgiveness (Yom Kippur). The week between the two holidays is the 10 days of Tshuva - which can be translated as "repentence" or "turning" and is related to the word for "rest" or "sitting" which is its root. Last year I got my diagnosis during the week of Tshuva.

This month, we look over the past year and see how well we did on our mission here and what we need to improve on, spiritually, for the coming year. Rosh ha Shana literally means "Head of the Year". But it's not the first month of the Jewish calendar. It's the 7th. The first month is Nissan - when we were taken out of Egypt.

According to one of the audios I listened to by Moshe New, we look at our relationship with G-d like we do any marriage/passionate relationship. The month on Nissan was like the honeymoon period of any relationship - everything is wonderful and miraculous. The reed sea is parted and we get fed manna. Now, though, is the time later in the marriage - like in any marriage - where you've looked at the golden calf and it looks so much better than what you are married to. And on the brink of divorce, your house is destroyed (Tisha b'Av) and the Temple is no more, and since there is no divorce in our relationship with G-d, you can do one of two things: either leave your house in shambles or rededicate yourself to the marriage.

So after Tisha B'Av comes the new year and you get to recommit to the original plan. Know that this marriage was meant to be and focus on the positive things that you really love and look past all the bad stuff. It's now up to you. Miracles are not going to get you to a good marriage. Your hard work and dedication even when the going gets rough is what brings a good marriage - it deepens the marriage and now it's no longer based on ephemeral things but is more solid. Developing faith & hope during the hard times gets you through.

That's where the concept of "turning" comes in. We aren't being punished for misdeeds - only reaping consequences of our actions. There is always forgiveness. The King knows how He set up this world. We are bound to win some, lose some. No matter how often we fail, there's always forgiveness because there's always the possibility to "turn" and return to our true selves and our true mission. It's a "turning", not a punishment. It's a returning and a resting or sitting because when we are back to ourselves, there is no more struggle. Everything flows when you are coming from your strength (your soul) and your strength lies in what you do well and what comes easy to you - what you are good at is what your purpose is in this life. (Moshe New didn't say that - I'm extending on what I heard due to what I've experienced this year.) And what your purpose is is what the King gave you this life for - you take part in the King's purpose for this world.

I really feel like that's what this year has been for me - a returning to myself, an embracing of myself, a remembering of what my purpose is. And I don't always succeed at that return, but it keeps me going when I "miss the mark" (which is the translation for the word, "sin" in Hebrew). No matter how far we've strayed from our true self (from our soul), there is no way to leave it behind, it is a part of us and waiting for us to come back to it.

So in Elul, the rebbe says that the "King is in the field" - down here with the field-workers. Checking out the work we have to do, shaking hands, listening to our challenges, hearing our requests. On Rosh HaShana we have the (re)coronation of our King. And we have an entire month of Elul to do the repair work necessary to reconnect to being the King's servant.

Another interesting thing I learned from one of these audios, the one from Ruvi New, is that two very important people in Jewish history were born on the 18th of Elul. And remember that 18 is the number for the word that means "Life". So to help us understand what Elul means - let's look at who was born on the "life of Elul":
The Baal Shem Tov and the Alter Rebbe who was the founder of Chabad.

The Baal Shem Tov was the person who started Hasidism. He was all about making Judaism joyful and personal. Before him, there was little mention of the soul in Jewish learning. So he also brought the mystical Kabbalah down to the masses whereas before only the elite of the elite were able to study it. The Alter Rebbe was one of the students of the Maggid who was a disciple of the Baal Shem Tov. He was the one out of all of the students to be sent to Lithuania.

At the time, Lithuania would be the toughest place to bring new information to. It was a huge stronghold of Jewish learning with strong learning centers. According to Ruvi New, the learning in Lithuania was very intellectual and lacking in spirituality. People knew things intellectually rather than making them exciting and personal. Their religious practice was very dry and I think they are one of the reasons so many men threw their tefillin into the ocean once they arrrived in America. The Alter Rebbe was the most intellectual of all of the Hasidic students of the Maggid so he was able to reach these people at their level. He was a prolific writer and wrote a book called, The Tanya, that elucidated deep Kabbalistic teachings but made them accessible to even the lay person. He started Chabad of Lubuvitch and brought soul and spirit to the intellectuals of the time.

Now the last interesting thing and then I'll let you go: If Rosh haShana is the birthday of creation - in fact, the day that man was created, then can it be celebrated by non-Jews? Well, there are some non-Jews, called the Noahides or the "B'nai Noach" which means the "children of Noah", who have asked if it's ok for them to celebrate Rosh HaShana. According to Moshe New, they should be able to celebrate it. Who are these Noahides? They are a group of mostly Christian people who, dissatisfied with their own religion looked to Torah to discover what it says about how to become a "righteous gentile".

Did you think the Torah was only written for Jews? No. Adam was given 6 commandments and then Noah was given the 7th. All of mankind descends from Noah. Google it: Google "7 noahide laws". There is such a group called the children of Noah and there are 7 commandments for all mankind.

Here's a link to a good article on Elul http://meaningfullife.com/oped/2009/08.20.09$ShoftimCOLON_Elul_and_the_Economy.php

And if you want links to the audios I listened to, email me.

I hope you enjoyed all of this as much as I did. Now you know what I'm doing with my new iPod when I'm driving around town! I will be continuing to write about how I see all of this relating to me as we go through these holidays. I just love this stuff!!!!

Back From Hawaii

"Menachem Av 27, 5769 · August 17, 2009
Faith in the Dark

Do you only believe when you can see with your eyes? When your prayers are answered and miracles carry you on their wings? Or do you also believe when circumstances fly in your face?

If it touches you to the core, if it is a belief you truly own, if it is as real to you as life itself, then it does not change.

And if it does not change, then you are bound up with the true essence of the One who does not change."

From the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; rendered by Tzvi Freeman. To order the Daily Thoughts in book form, go here: http://www.judaism.com/display.asp?cdo=chabad.org&etn=CAIJJ
---------------------------------------------

I've been tired since we came back from Hawaii. The first few days I was there I was tired too, so I think it might be jet lag. But I napped there and got over it quick but I've been running around here. I saw 5 clients yesterday and on Friday, we went to get Aimee's ear's pierced in between my therapy and my acupuncture. (I discovered that I could do something for her without sacrificing what I needed to do for myself - she sat in 2 waiting rooms watching a DVD.)

The fires and breathing in smoke every day since returning home hasn't been the best thing for my health. I wake up with a bloody nose every morning. I've also started the Tamoxifen and felt a slight headache this morning so I'm a bit worried about how blocking my estrogen is going to effect me even though it does make me feel more secure taking it.

Hawaii was beautiful and not too hot and I didn't get any mosquito bites and my arms didn't blow up with lymphodema in the airplane and I didn't get a thrombosis from sitting too long on the plane. These were all the things I was worried about that didn't happen. I was blown away about the mosquitoes because they usually love me so I think that they just weren't interested in my chemo blood.

I felt extremely lucky that we had made the reservations prior to getting diagnosed because I don't think we'd have gone otherwise after the year we've had. Plus, I feel so lucky to have finished my treatment in time to go and have the party before I went. If you want to see a photo essay about the place we traveled to, Geoff wrote a great blog on it: http://www.sunrisesantacruz.com/blog/2009/08/hawaii-did-my-camera-have-to-break/

I also uploaded some photos here.

My highlights:
*Aimee holding me in the water.
*Jason body surfing.
*Good talks with Geoff.
*The Hawaiian butterfish dinner Aimee and I made.
*Napping on the deck (lanai).
*Reading, "The Street Lawyer" by Grisham.
*Aimee's pina colada smoothie.

I did run into some challenges that I didn't realize I'd have. Mostly around the body image stuff. I discovered that I look good in my bathing suit no matter what I think! (Aimee told me to write that, looking over my shoulder as I'm writing this!) And I discovered that my hair looks good all messy or curly and sticking out all over. So that's how I've been wearing it lately. (thank you Aimee for the cognitive therapy - but I do still want to go into the darkness for a moment)

Getting into a bathing suit has been a challenge my entire life. Being in Hawaii, even though 30 lbs lighter, I was still uncomfortable in my body. This discomfort was made more obvious to me because I also had no boobs. When this cute guy came to fix our bed (the frame was falling down), it was apparent to me that I used to depend on those things on my chest somehow to flirt. I never realized that until they were gone.

So as Tzvi Freeman writes, I still believe even when circumstances fly in my face, so I use those uncomfortable feelings about my body as clues to where I still need to heal my psyche. There is a way that I really ignore my body and purposely don't look in mirrors because it's too painful. I don't like to see myself growing old and I don't like to see myself fat and I don't like to see my chest deformed.

There's a part of me that would be so incredibly happy to have some plastic surgeon take my droopy belly and make boobs out of it. More to get rid of the belly than to even get the boobs. I don't really want fake ones with tatoos for nipples. But having a flat stomach for the first time in my entire life would satisfy me just fine.

Better still, if I could practice every day to look in the mirror naked and simply love my body, that would heal me on a much deeper level. And so that is what I intend to do. I believe that is the Higher Plan for me in all of this: Loving my body and treating it with kindness and feeding it with healthy food and fun exercise. And if after trying all that natural treatment for awhile, I still feel awful in my own skin, I will look into plastic surgery because why suffer?

I've been Israeli-dancing-up-a-storm in preparation for a couple of classes I'm teaching at PCS during the first week of school. I love Israeli folk-dancing since it's a wonderful way to physically express my love for my heritage and my people. I can't wait to research it online and print something out for the kids. Their dance teacher is out on maternity leave and asked for volunteers so now all I have to do is narrow down all the dances I have to share.

Life goes on and I need to schedule another ct scan. Yipes! Looking forward to getting a clean bill of health, right?

Getting Ready for Hawaii

It does feel like a completion of sorts this week. Especially yesterday when I walked Aimee into PCS for her "base camp" - back on the old site, breathing a sigh of relief. We made it. We're going to be ok now. (Only my fellow refugees from Natural Bridges fully understand what I mean by that.)

My life definitely coincides with the Jewish calendar. I wonder if this is for everyone and not just for me. Jews are always refugees or exiles. But Tisha B'Av also seems like the end of the year to me and here we are at the end of my year of challenges and growth. In a few more weeks, we'll be at the beginning of the Jewish new year - Rosh haShanah - and I'll be on Tamoxifen and having my diagnosis anniversary. Weird, huh?

I always plan our Hawaii trip - for the past 5 years - around Tisha B'Av. I never want to be traveling during the 3 weeks starting with the 17th of Tammuz (when the Romans breached the 2nd Temple walls) and ending with Tisha B'Av (when the Temple was destroyed). The Romans built an arch to brag about their spoils from the Temple & it can be seen here: http://www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/titus/titus.html

I listened to an audio on chabadbythesea.org called the Lessons of Tisha B'Av by Ruvi New. http://www.chabadbythesea.com/library/article_cdo/aid/704041/jewish/The-Lessons-of-Tisha-BAv.htm It was so fascinating. But what struck me most was the whole idea of "out of the ashes comes new life". Abraham was told his children would be scattered all over the world and guess what? Here we are. It's all in the Divine Plan - we weren't ready for the first Temple and not ready for the 2nd either. The third is built brick by brick with every mitzvah that we do. The 3rd Temple will be worldwide and not just in Jerusalem. G-d wasn't supposed to only be visible in one place on earth. The plan was for G-d to find a dwelling place in the lowest of all worlds, in every darkest corner.

By the way, did you know that both Temples were destroyed on the same day: Tisha B'Av or the 9th of Av? Other important (dark) events also occurred on the 9th of Av: the incident involving the spies (the breakdown of faith that caused the Jews to wander the desert for 40 more years) and the worst situation for the modern day Jews: the first day of WWI (which some say was the precursor to WWII).

I seemed to have more new clients wanting therapy in the last 9 days of the 3 weeks - the first 9 days of Av. And so I wonder if any of you did too. I once totaled my car during the first 9 days of Av. So I've been extra careful ever since this time of year. I believe that the children who are born during these days are blessings and reminders that we still go on after the destruction. It's not the end. These children, like Aimee, probably all Leos, are full of energy and light and enthusiasm - shedding a brightness during the dark times.

The full moon of Av (the 15th) is a day of redemption and that is the very day that we are off to Hawaii - tomorrow. It was once a day when (the Talmud says) that the "daughters of Jerusalem would go dance in the vineyards and whoever did not have a wife would go there" to find one. I'm finding myself using every challenge I have with Geoff lately as an opportunity to create a complete recovery for me and in our relationship.

I need to be the boss sometimes and I'd rather not have to fight for that - so I give in and then sit with my resentment. So it's been lots of standing up for myself and not backing down, along with reviewing situations and using "I messages" to state what I prefer happening next time. This is a continual challenge for me and really good for me at the same time.

So I'm almost completely packed and ready to go. We've got a UCSC student house sitting and taking care of Summer. And I had to admit that I really didn't want to give her the job (even though she was the best candidate out of everyone we interviewed). I didn't like her simply because she was so pretty and her boobs were too big. Yes, I was jealous and Geoff just had to show her all his photos and wouldn't stop talking to her when it was time for her to leave. So I've been realizing just how hard it is to have no breasts anymore even though I love it when I'm Israeli folk dancing in the morning and nothing gets in the way of my jumping up and down.

I did get a new bathing suit from the store that I got my hats from. I don't think I'll need to wear anything in it to keep the cups from deflating but we'll see once I get in the water. At least it's cute with a skirt. One thing I am enjoying is the fact that I've packed a lot of tank tops. That's something I was never able to wear in Hawaii before. I fit into a lot of things now that I never could before. So that keeps me going. I'm not young anymore and will never be as cute as that girl who's house sitting and dog sitting. But at least I can be comfortable and make do with what I have and accept who I am. And make jokes to my family and you about not wanting to give her the job. (Even though it's not really a joke but the truth!)

So I'll check back in after we get back - sometime after August 15th. I'll be sorry not to have my computer to see you checking in and reading your comments. Instead, it will be fun to see you all on here once I get back home.

Enjoying the Empty Nest

It does feel kinda guilty to say that we are enjoying the empty nest. It's surprising to me. I thought I'd be missing them. But Geoff and I are connecting more and don't have as many dishes to wash. Plus, the kids are having the time of their lives and I am incredibly grateful to Brad.

So my life is all about having fun planning the Bat Mitzvah. If you didn't receive an email invitation and want one, please email me to let me know. The count is already up to 56.

I have only 5 more days of radiation and then I'm done. I haven't gotten the fatigue that they told me radiation brings on. Maybe it's the acupuncture and Chinese herbs or the Celexa or maybe I'm just lucky this time around. Instead I feel energized and excited to be almost done with treatment.

You may be wondering how I feel now, breast-less. It's really no big deal. I'm getting used to how it looks and enjoy exercising without them. I also don't worry too much about how I look and no one has seemed to stare - like I was afraid they would. In fact, I feel freer since I don't feel like I have to cover anything up and can walk around without a shirt if I want to (especially with the kids gone). Every chance I get, I ask a friend if she wants to see my bare chest!

Funny story: Before Aimee left on the trip, I brought her toward me for a hug and put her head against my chest. Both of us forgot that I no longer had anything there and clunk! went her head against hard bone. I think it hurt her more than it hurt me but we got a laugh out of it.

Next day she told me that from now on when she hugs me, she's going to wear a helmet!

So other than the numbness from surgery and the redness from radiation, I'm healing well in every way. Though, I still sometimes wonder if I caught it in time and if the radiation did it's trick and if I will survive and if I'm just fooling myself thinking I'm going to be done with this soon...

On the 22nd, I will go to the oncologist again and talk about Tamoxifen or that other drug for women who are in menopause. I'll be on one of them for at least 5 years and maybe longer. So aside from regular CT scans, my treatment is nearly done.

I've got the energy now to eat more raw and cooked veggies - so that's another thing I'm doing to try to protect myself from recurrence or spread. Kale is my friend.

Tomorrow night we've been invited out to the Shadowbrook to eat dinner with another couple. Haven't done that in ages! (Thanks Doug!) So I'm enjoying my empty nest.

Hope you have a great July 4th.

My Re-Birth Day

B"H

"Sivan 4, 5769 * May 27, 2009
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

C O U N T T H E O M E R R E M I N D E R
=============================================

Dear Friend,

Tonight, Wednesday night, May 27, 2009, we count forty-nine days, which is seven weeks of the Omer.

For detailed instructions on how to count the Omer, blessing text, omer calendar, and more information, go to: http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=A74EAEDD00117F75EA6A8C597F7C6226&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Now that we have concluded the counting of the Omer, we will resume this subscription next year, please G-d. We would like to invite you to take advantage of many of our other free subscriptions, all available http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=418AB5E46DE3B994F04AEC74DAFA0C7C&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Shavuot,

Chabad.org

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Spiritual Guide to the counting of the Omer
Forty-Nine Steps to Personal Refinement
Courtesy of www.MeaningfulLife.com
* * *
Day Seven of Week 7
Malchut of Malchut

Examine the sovereignty of your sovereignty. Does it come from deep- rooted inner confidence in myself? Or is it just a put-on to mask my insecurities? Does that cause my sovereignty to be excessive? Am I aware of my uniqueness as a person? Of my personal contribution?

Exercise for the day: Take a moment and concentrate on yourself, on your true inner self, not on your performance and how you project to others; and be at peace with yourself knowing that G-d created a very special person which is you."

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Well, we made it through the counting of the Omer and now we get to celebrate Shavuot and the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Bailly's going to have a dairy food party at her home on Friday at 6pm where we get to hear the rabbi read the 10 Commandments out loud. Today's counting instructions seemed so perfect for my re-birth instructions.

It was so nice to have Bailly put together a party for me. Stef and Doris and Margie helped her that morning. I was grateful to all of them and to all who were able to attend. I had anxiety about having invited too many people and about what I was going to say besides thank you to them all. I even picked at a pimple on my face due to my anxiety which then made me worry even more about how I was going to look. Everyone told me I looked great and everyone had a seat and there was food enough for many more.

I felt ok about what I ended up saying. Luckily I got to rehearse it with Sharol that morning. I basically said that I wanted to say more than thank you but didn't know what to say so I looked at the parsha for the week which is about counting the Jewish people before they got the Torah. Some interpretations say that G-d of course knows how many people were there, but the purpose of the counting was like how we count our own jewels. Relating that to my journey, I realized how much I count because of the uniqueness of who I am. Like the instructions for tonight's counting, I have a purpose to G-d in this lifetime, a "personal contribution" and am feeling more and more that my mission has not been accomplished just yet. It's not about performance, it's about specialness. And so it also relates to how special each of you is to me and how differently I've counted on each of you for the support you have given me throughout this journey that I've been on.

My birthday on the Jewish calendar is the day after Lag B'Omer which is the day in Jewish history when the students of Rabbi Akiva stopped dying from a plague (2nd Temple times). So relating that to me, I realized I've been through the plague and I am still alive and G-d-willing, will continue to live for many more years to come. I wonder if the fact that my birthday lies within the counting of the Omer makes me the kind of person who is always searching for ways to refine my connection to G-d and to my own true essence. (For example, I noticed before writing this that the message count on this site is up to 770...and every chabadnik will understand what I mean when I write that...even though I am still wondering what it all means on a deeper level in relation to what I am writing in this very update.)

So having that party, as much as I debated whether to do it now or not was important to me. Somehow it helped me to mark the end of chemo and surgery and feel like I have accomplished something...and ended something (though it never feels like the end of this). This diagnosis never ends even after your treatment ends so having a party to validate an accomplishment was healing for me.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling more tired than previously. Maybe I was just on a high before with my parents here and the party or maybe I'm just tired from all of that. I had a dream last night that I was pushing myself too hard and ignoring my illness. So I am trying to slow down and remember I'm still recovering from a big surgery.

I wore my bare head during a client session yesterday. With the ortho sleeves and long sleeves over that, I was so hot that I didn't care how I looked. It's funny how I felt before getting this surgery compared to how I feel now. I just want to be comfortable and there is no comfort for me with these darn ortho sleeves. So I really don't care anymore what people think about my flat chest and very, very, very short haircut.

By the end of every day, I rip off my sleeves and breathe a sigh of relief. I know I should just be happy to be alive (and I am) but without the sleeves on, life is so much more enjoyable. My mom always called me "Princess and the Pea", so there you go. I am definitely a creature of comfort and very sensitive.

I've been letting go of the guilt more too. This disease happens to people who are really different from me! It wasn't my fault. Who I am and the mistakes I made and whatever hang ups I had didn't create this problem. How could it if so many others who don't have my hang-ups have this disease too? What a relief to be able to say that now, compared to where I was in the beginning.

Next week starts a new chapter in my treatment: radiation. I've got an appointment every week day starting the 3rd at 11:30am for 10 minutes. The receptionist told me I'd get to be friends with all the other gals who have the same appointment time. So it's calendula cream until my skin turns red and then it's aloe vera to prevent the blisters. Luckily it's all taking place on just my left side and not my right.

I hear radiation's not a big ordeal and maybe I WILL be able to have Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party on July 26th...radiation will be done a couple weeks before that.

Reality Settles In

I suppose it took me 5 days to really feel what had been done to my body. I started to feel my body again and notice what had really occurred after going to the surgeon yesterday. Later that afternoon, I noticed that I could feel more without the bandages and the drains. I felt very vulnerable and the image of what I saw when he took off the bandages kept going through my mind. Then last night I had a very strange dream that seemed to go on forever.

Then this morning I was going to go to acupuncture but had it in my mind to get cleaned up first. The surgeon told me I could now take a shower but that felt intense to me. I love showers but I wasn't ready to have water falling freely where I'd been cut. There was this spray stuff they gave me to take home from the hospital that I could use to hand wash myself but the thought of a shower appealed to me more.

So I took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror to see if there was something under my arms that I shouldn't get wet or should be careful of. That's when I had the melt down. I told Geoff I couldn't see an extra scar where the nodes should have been taken. I freaked and called the surgeon but he wasn't available until tomorrow morning. Then I felt nauseous.

Geoff told me he didn't want me going out today. It was raining anyway and he wanted me to stop doing things and get back in bed and rest all day. By then I was crying and got into bed naked and tried to relax. Geoff told me he remembered that the surgeon said he got nodes on both sides yesterday. And that may be what tripped me up because I thought he was only getting them from one side.

After calming down I thought that I really wanted to get cleaned up. So I washed the compression bra that I need to wear and gave it to Geoff to put in the dryer while I used the hand wash to clean my body. It's great stuff and smells like baby shampoo and you don't have to rinse it off, so it's easy.

I felt so much better all cleaned up with fresh clothes and so I just sat and watched TV all day and napped. I read through my poem again and looked at the photos and collage I made to go with it and that helped. And I read through my goodbye letter to my breasts which I decided to copy for you below.

Then about an hour ago I got messages off my office voice mail...something I'd been putting off. There was a message from a reporter from the Sentinel asking to interview me for a piece for Mother's Day. That's when I remembered she had called me the very day I went in for surgery and I forgot she'd called. It was too late for Mother's Day but she still wanted to interview me and told me to gather names of people (not clients) who know about my work with mothers. (That's when I realized this article was going to be about me and my work and not just soundbites for a Mother's Day article.) So I told her to give me a week to gather my thoughts and apologized about having an emergency situation that prevented me from calling her sooner.

So far, everyone I've told this story to (aside from myself and one friend) is telling me that I should tell her about being a breast canser survivor. I never would have even begun to think of talking with a reporter already about that. It's too soon. Maybe one day I'll be open to working with this issue, but now? So that will be occupying my mind over the next week. Am I ready to go public with this? Or am I going to simply talk about mothers. Wow, I hope I feel up to this interview by next week.

My mother-in-law asked me today if I knew what "synchronicity" meant. The Sentinel calling me on the day I get surgery is an example of synchronicity to me. Breasts are such a double edged sword. They enable us to give to others with pleasure and yet at that very same time we feed our babies, they drain our every vital nutrient. They are both nurturing and deadly at the very same time. Goodbye breasts, hello mothers' needs.

Here's the goodbye letter:

Dear Breasts,

Thank you for being there for me for so many years.
You’ve helped me be attractive.
You’ve helped me nurture my babies.
You’ve helped me enjoy sex.
You’ve helped me quiet my babies, go back to sleep after being woken up, given me pleasure.
You’re now giving me a symbol to hang my dysfunctional behavior on.
I’m sorry you are having to take the fall for that.
But I’m angry at you for giving me cancer.
And thanking you for giving me canser.

You made it hard for me to say no to Geoff and caused me lots of insomnia due to my saying no to Jason and Aimee.
You stuck out too much and I never felt like I could hide you or protect myself from your attractiveness. You grew too big and I could never lose any weight. You’ve been too weighty and heavy and took part in making me depressed & unattractive.

But still, I will miss you. You are beautiful. You are soft. You are a part of me. You represent the soft, gentle, yielding, nurturing side of me. I don’t want my kids not to feel you when I give them a hug. I don’t want them to miss your softness. I don’t want to miss the way you feel and the feelings you give me. I don’t want to let go of my gentle softness or my nurturing. I only want to have some discipline around that so I can also be hard-nosed when I need to be.

I don’t want to believe that I have had to go through this over you… I never believed I would have to lose you. I don’t want to lose you forever. It’s unimaginable how forever means the rest of my life. Will I even live long? Will I live a long time without breasts? Has this canser spread? How long do I have?

I want to get rid of you to get rid of the canser. I hope you understand. Thank you for surrendering yourselves for my sake. Thank you for sacrificing your existence for the sake of my being able to live.

I don’t ever want to endure anything negative that comes along with having you in my life. Including the heat rashes. Including the weight. Including the grabs. Including the inability to say no. And I never want to have to face this disease ever again.

So I hope you can understand. I just have to get rid of you.

Thanks for being there for me all these years,
Melissa

Home Again

Hi Everyone,

I came home yesterday. Since I was doing so well, they couldn't keep me in the hospital! I suspect it was all your thoughts and prayers that saw me through this. When I woke up from the surgery, all I could feel was happiness - well, that and a bit of pain.

My doctor told me that I would look better than sentenced2live - at least the scars will be more symmetrical. He didn't think she had a very good surgery compared to what he's used to doing! Right now I'm just all taped up and have drains that I have to empty and measure.

I have very little pain. There's one spot under my left arm and towards the back that hurts and that's all. The pain meds just make me want to sleep all day. But it's better than feeling pain...so I take them.

Sleeping, watching TV, resting and eating. That's all my life is about right now. I feel none of the horror I thought I would, but I haven't gotten to see the scars yet either. Instead, I just feel happiness that those time bombs are gone.

Monday morning (tomorrow) I go see the surgeon and he might take out the drains.

Did you want to know what the room number was? It was 13. Death/Rebirth. Perfect.

Surgery Went Well

Hey Everybody,

This is Jason. My mom wants me to tell everyone that the surgery
went very well (sergeon said "delightful"). She is also feeling no
pain at all (probably from the drugs) and hopes to be home soon.
Actually in her hospital bed, she told me at least 5 times that she
is feeling so great and so happy that it is over with. She truly
appreciates all the love, support and prayers she is getting from
her friends and family.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

-Melissa's son Jason

Getting Ready for Surgery

I cleaned up my room, did some laundry, went out for lunch with Stef, and gathered together the stuff I want to bring to the hospital. When Aimee got home from school, I had her take photos of me and I posted them here, along with photos of my high school buddies and one of my favorite wig.

Stefanie volunteered to coordinate food offerings. So if you want to do something for us in that way, here's her email address: stefelkin@hotmail.com I'll also be giving her the email addresses of those of you who've asked about that. Geoff has been enjoying caring for our family by cooking good dinners but I think that I'm going to step in and see if he can get some relief - at least in the next week or two.

I spoke to my sister-in-care and she read my good-bye letter and said she cried. I didn't post that one. It felt too vulnerable. Then I asked her whether there's anything more I can do to work through the sadness and she said, "You'll experience more of that." I told her about feeling horror and as we sorted through that one, I realized it was about not wanting to be disfigured. She's felt that too - where she'd more likely hide her side with no breast than hide her breast...

She's gotten to feeling better about that after 10 years by remembering that many of us at this age have scars on our bodies from various ailments. She also said that after her surgery the thing that bothered her the most was noticing people's eyes always going to her chest. She got over that when realizing she couldn't control how others would react to her. When I told that to Stef, she said, it's human nature - like it's nearly impossible not to look.

All this stuff, feeling disfigured and worrying about what others will think is something I just have to use humor to deal with. So the last few days I've been laughing with my kids about being without "boobs" soon. And they've been able to make jokes about it and laugh too. That's been a great gift for me right now. I love my kids!!!!

So here's a link to Psalm 119 for those of you who were wondering but didn't have the book: http://www.chabadbythesea.com/library/article_cdo/aid/6419/jewish/Chapter-119.htm

Again, thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I feel very touched by all of the support I'm getting and wonder if I'd be as there for others as you are all there for me. Anyway, looking forward to the Valium tonight.

Challenges Turn to Strengths

So I wrote my poem (see previous update) and wrote a good-bye letter and made a collage with my photos, my writings, magazine photos/words and glue stick. I felt complete. This week has been very healing for me because I've been feeling like myself again. I am ready for the surgery and am imagining how the new body will look and feel and it all seems ok.

There were many strange occurrences this week that helped me along. They were shocking things and yet I was able to find a way to gratitude that they happened. In fact, it was so strange that they happened in this week of all weeks that I couldn't see them as problems for very long...and instead had to go, "What the...is this all about? And why am I being confronted with this at this very time? What's the meaning and the lesson for me? How could this be supporting me through this time rather than making things harder?"

First, Geoff's dad, Daniel ben Bracha, fell and broke his ribs. He's ok, but in pain and recovering in a convalescent hospital. Geoff and his mom, Lee have been very busy and emotionally distraught. So my first reaction was to wonder if I could survive my surgery without Geoff's full attention. Next my feelings went to wondering if I could bare having Geoff needing more support than me...like it was a contest of who had the worst stuff to deal with. Then I started to see this situation as a blessing.

It's a blessing because I'm not going through chemo and instead am feeling stronger now. I can be depended on. I can drive Aimee and pick her up. I can make dinners. I can do more. I can actually be there for Geoff and it makes me feel even stronger. This situation happening right at this time has been helpful in strengthening my sense of myself and what I can take on.

It was the perfect way for Geoff to back down too because he is so strong and dependable that I might have found it easier to continue depending on him rather than on myself. In fact, I could now say Psalm 119 for someone else. Plus, Paul, Geoff's brother, is coming down from Marin on Wednesday to support their mom and dad so Geoff can focus on me and the surgery.

The second thing that happened was I finally met the woman who's my sister-in-support from WomanCare. We went out for lunch. And as we sat down, she started to put some hearing pieces into her ears. I asked her how long she's had a hearing problem and she told me since going on Taxol. The peripheral neuropathy can happen in the ears as well as the fingers and toes. I don't think it's been proven, but her hearing doctor has seen many patients with the same problem after chemo.

So I thanked her for not telling me about that until I was done with the Taxatere (which is similar to Taxol) because I would have been so fearful. And I got to feel grateful for not having any permanent damage from all I went through with the hospitalization. My colon isn't perfect, but I'm pretty much back to my old self and hopefully will just continue to get better as time goes on.

The third shock that happened was that a psychotherapist I was planning to work with after my surgery had a recurrence of her canser and won't be seeing clients for her many months of chemo. (I'm spelling it with the s now just to take the scary away from that word.) Hearing about her recurrence immediately brought up my own fears of recurrence and possible spread.

My first thought was that this situation coming up right now is telling me, "don't be smug and think you are going to be free of this disease." Fortunately, after talking with Sharol, she gave me the idea that instead, this was a reminder that I'm not going down the recurrence path myself. I've chosen a different route - miracles have happened and I'm no longer fighting recurrence of the many things that I was fighting for so long. In addition, I'm my own psychotherapist right now and I have tons of support. Maybe it's not even the right timing for getting outside support just now.

The fourth thing that strengthened me was that I kept hearing stories of women who'd had reconstruction but lots of problems afterward. So, of course, that made me feel better about the choice I was making.

Surgery is on Thursday morning at 8am. I should be done around 10 or 11am. G-d Willing. If you want to support me during that time, you could read psalm 119 for me or pray your own prayer for me or imagine me wrapped in a fuzzy blue or pink blanket of love or peace. Whatever works for you. I figure if every one of you picks a 10-15 minute slot between 8 and 11am PT, I'll be covered for the entire surgery!!!

I will show Jason how to get on this site and give you all an update by Thursday night. Then I'm expected to only be in the hospital for one or two nights and if I want to go home on Saturday, my surgeon said he can release me. Or I may want to stay longer, we'll see. So this may be the last update before the surgery unless I get inspired again.

I've been imagining being comfortable at the hospital and I can envision how my new body will look and feel. Can't wait to see what room number I'll get this time...4/30/09 works out to #9, the Hermit and completion again, so that's interesting. (See my update from Dec. 1 & 2, 2008 for what the Hermit meant to me during my last hospital visit) There's a bit of horror still there sometimes when I think of how I'll feel after the surgery, but I figure that will diminish as I get used to the new me and more important, no more worries since there should be no recurrence. So instead of horror, what I'm focused on now is a clear, clean, healthy, strong, energetic new body.

Struggling and Making Peace

I've been praying today for a way out of this gloomy mindset I've been in. I called the Katz center and talked with someone there about ideas for what I'll be wearing after the surgery. I'm not the kind of person who even likes to wear make-up and I'm really into comfort. So I can't imagine I'll ever consistently wear those heavy prostheses with a bra. I'd like to come out of this never having to wear a bra again! But that would look so different from where I am now...so obvious... So I did get reassurance that there were things I could get to wear in a camisole and was told where I could go to get those. (In fact they have them free at the Katz center like everything else!)

And what would be so bad about being flat now? What would be so bad about not having to wear anything?

Another thing I've done to work through this gloom and doom is to create some kind of letting go ritual. First I had Geoff take photos of what I'm going to be losing. Then I wrote a poem. I will put them together somehow with maybe some collage photos or some other kind of art.

So once I was done writing the poem (if you can call it a poem), I decided to share it with you.

The poem and my obsession with how I'll look afterward shows me how hard it is for me to just be visible as I am. I'm a survivor and will always be one. It has been near impossible to hide my status as a patient and for the rest of my life it will be obvious that I am a survivor...(at least to the people who know how I looked before).

My struggle surrounds not wanting to have people horrified to look at me. I know I can't control how others will feel or respond to me. But I've thought that I could for control that for a long time through being sweet and nice and easy to get along with and not asserting myself too much. My personality type as a 9, The Peacemaker wants me to fade into the wallpaper and be easy for others to be around. This disease was the perfect solution to push me out of the prison/security of my personality type.

Believe it or not, I'm a private person. You wouldn't know that being on this carepages all these months. But it's been a stretch for me to be so open with so many people but I've been determined to be that way because I think it's a way for me to heal. Writing this way feels semi-anonymous so it's an easy way for me to be myself with a large crowd.

Anyway, here's what I wrote today for my letting go ritual:

Goodbye to The Old Me

I went through the chemo and survived.
Now my hair is growing back.
But it’s still too short for Jason to even look at.
So I hide my head for his sake - even in this heat wave.
And now I’m going to lose my breasts.
I won’t be able to hide that.

How will I hug my kids?
What will they put their heads on?
What’s going to cover and protect my heart center?
No more cushiony, soft flesh standing between me
And possibly painful emotional attacks!
Will I feel vulnerable and exposed
Even though I’ll have nothing to expose anymore?

Funny how breast canser exposes your vanity.
There’s a deeper meaning behind that fact
That tickles me on a spiritual level.
But its complete significance stays just outside my grasp.
I’m afraid a flat chest
Will make my tummy look even bigger than it already does.
No more soft curves to take the eye away from my
Flaws.
No more long, soft locks, no more eyelashes…

Dig deeper girl, there’s more to you than meets the eye.
You don’t get to hide anymore.
No hiding behind the mask of beauty or the disarming gentle softness.
None of that truly protected you anyway.
Scratchy, noodgy wig gives you a mere semblance of
Normalcy – the only way you can deny the stark reality –
The only way you can get some privacy
The only way to keep from being seen as a canser patient
When that’s really what you are. Aren’t you?

Who are you really?
That’s what this diagnosis brings you to.
Who were you meant to be?
What do you have to offer this world?
Why should YOU live?
What is your purpose?
Why are you here?
And are you worth saving?
And more important, do you have what it takes to heal?

Well girl, are you going to stay hung up on appearances?
Dig deeper and find your True worth.
Dig deeper still and you’ll discover why you were born.
Dig even deeper and you’ll understand how to make
The Best of Even This.

No more bras.
No more saying yes when you mean no.
No more doing for others and pretending you want to.
No more heaviness.
No more disease.
No more fatigue.
No more migraines, depression, insomnia.
No more rashes during the summertime.
No more mammograms or fear of recurrence.

Just more freedom of movement,
More energy,
Better health,
Better commitment to exercise,
Better diet,
More love,
And a desire to give without feeling depleted,
An ability to stand by yourself
instead of worrying about what others think,
A renewed joy for living,
Plus some gratitude for getting a reprieve.

You get to live! (if it truly hasn’t spread).
Which you’ll find out after the surgery…
You’ll get to hear the final results.
And then you’ll have yet another cat scan
After the radiation.
After the trip to the North Shore, you lucky girl.
The chemo did the trick.
There’s a great possibility this will all be behind you.
You’ll get a second chance on Life, Chaya.
You get to do it right this time.

And you’ll never forget where you’ve been.
The scars and the new body will never leave you.
The hair will come back too slowly for you to get lost again.
The chest will look too different.
You won’t be able to forget.
You won’t ever be able to hide from your life again.

Your life, your feelings, your friends, your relatives, your family,
Your parents, your siblings, your husband, your kids, those
Nurses, those doctors, your soul,
This is all you have now. Nothing else is important.
You are loved.
You get to love back.
You get to be YOU.
That’s all that matters.

Surgery Postponed

I met with my surgeon this week and he had me down for surgery at 3pm on the 23rd.

I didn't want to be fasting all day going into this surgery so we changed the date to the 30th instead. It gives me one more week to recover from the last chemo anyway and more time to take the Chinese herbs that keep my immune count up.

The surgeon says that this surgery has very little blood loss which made me feel better. Just postponing it one more week has been such a relief. It's given me a chance to just be happy chemo is all over with before going into the next thing. I'm still tired from the last chemo and need an extra week to feel normal.

I've got lots of TV shows tivo'd and I plan to really rest as much as I can. Doris recommended resting up instead of what I was thinking of doing - organizing and cleaning up. If I feel energetic I will do some of that, but I just don't feel energetic right now.

I even skipped the Moschiach's meal at Bailly's. But I had a nice lunch there yesterday all by myself along with Stefanie. I enjoyed talking with the rabbi and eating Bailly's yummy, pure Pesach food. Bailly's parents were there too, from Crown Heights and it was nice to see them. Her father reminded us that matzo is the bread of faith.

My sister-in-law Wendi sent me a link with 3 videos by a woman who's an incredible inspiration. She's awesome and so cute in her journey with "canser". She's been on interview shows and written books and has a DVD - all of which I'd love to get for myself. Do check her out. If you like what I've been writing, you will flip over her. http://crazysexylife.com/press/videos/ Watching her videos reminded me of what the rabbi told me about Esther and how Mordechai told her that the Jews were going to be saved on Purim by someone whether she decides to step up to the plate or not.

He reminded me of that yesterday and said he was thinking of me when he spoke about it on Purim. I thought of the time I was asked to be PTA president for Westlake. At first I said, "NO". And after I went home and thought about it, I realized someone would be PTA president and I began to understand what was being placed in front of me. Not only did I fathom how it would help many of the transfers from Natural Bridges for ME to do it but how much it would uplift me to offer myself to that role. A job is placed in front of us and we get to either take it on with the best we have to give or we don't.

I'm glad I get another 2 weeks before I take on my next assignment.

Matzo & More Matzo

We enjoyed our small seder that we hosted at our home with Geoff's parents and our good friend, Jerry. Having Jerry there really gave me a lot of energy and made it a very special night. Jerry's been one of my supporters here on the carepages from the beginning of my journey. I wore one of my blond wigs and felt like I was normal again.

This has been a difficult week in some ways. One way had to do with finally telling the kids that I was going to have mastectomies. Geoff and I were not on the same page with whether we should tell them or not. I wanted to and thought it was the right thing and best for them and best for me. Geoff didn't want to devastate them. It took awhile before he was ok with the idea. It helped when he called the Katz cancer center at Dominican hospital and asked for their opinion.

When I did tell the kids, they were devastated, of course. Luckily, I told them before they had to leave for other things which helped to get them off the subject and back into their own lives. Unfortunately, I was left home alone, crying over how much I have to put my kids through. I decided it was the right time for me to put in the DVD that Wendi had recommended, "13 Going on 30". It did the trick. I really enjoyed it and was able to take my mind off of the depressing thoughts.

Later that evening, Jason, Aimee and I played some board games together and did a puzzle (thanks, Glenna). We were playing one game and Aimee kept rolling the dice and not getting to move time after time after time and it made us all laugh hysterically, so hard our bellies hurt! It just reminded me that we are all resilient and will make it through all of this. I just didn't want to have to hide something from them that would be so obvious. I was reminded by a couple of friends that playing those games and laughing was probably a release from the tension of hiding this from them.

(Maybe I should tell you what I said when I told them about the surgery because this could be useful to someone else sometime. First I told them that in 2 weeks I'll be having surgery and I'm looking forward to getting all this treatment over with so we can go on with our lives. Then I told them that Daddy and I decided that the best way to make sure I never get this cancer again is to have my breasts removed. Then I said that there were things I could wear that would make me look normal most of the time. Then I stopped and asked them if they had any questions. I will leave their reactions out of this to protect their privacy. But I did tell them that this was a 2 hour surgery and that the surgeon said it was the least complicated one that I could have and makes it most likely that I'll never have to face this disease again. I also told them that it was easy because there are no muscles in the breast and they are outside the body and they won't have to go inside my body to take away all the cancer. I answered their questions as best I could without going into too much detail but had to be reminded by Geoff to stop when I went into what didn't need to be told. Then I told them that they could always ask me anything they wanted and I would not be embarrassed or feel bad. Then I reminded them that if they couldn't talk to me, they could talk to Dad and if they couldn't talk to either of us, I named adults they knew that I thought they'd be comfortable talking to.)

So this Passover I've been motivated to try different recipes using matzo meal and potato starch and matzo farfel - for the kids sake. I made some muffins, popovers, and granola. The kids always go to school during Passover and they try to stick to not eating humetz (bread) for the entire 8 days. I think it's been embarrassing for them through the years to bring matzo sandwiches and have kids ask them about it. Kids do say mean things about Jews and my kids have experienced that too.

This week and next, up until the surgery, will be like "matzo and more matzo" for me! You may know this already, but humetz (bread or any flour that has touched water and risen before being baked) represents the ego or arrogance or the belief you are separate from G-d and everyone and everything else. We are not supposed eat any humetz all Passover and not only that, but not be in possession of any humetz in our homes or anywhere else. (It's a huge spring cleaning experience for many Jews). Matzo on the other hand, is baked off before the dough has risen and represents humility and Oneness. So we eat matzo in preparation for the ultimate gift of receiving the Torah which happened 49 days after leaving Egypt. This time, we hope not to build a golden calf by Shavuos - 49 days from now when we celebrate receiving the 10 Commandments.

Going to surgery is like that 49 day preparation for me. I just have to go and leave my own wishes behind if I want to live without fear in the future. I have to surrender my own will and do what is being asked of me. The dreams have started about not wanting to do that and fearing to do that. This is going to be a challenging week.

So I'm scheduling lunch dates and tea dates and walking dates with friends. That's all I can do is connect with the love that's in my life and try to remember that when I get mad at Geoff - it's because I'm on edge right now and it's not about him. And it's not because I'm a bad person. Geoff can be a huge emotional support to me right now when I remember to use him for that and remember that I'm irritable and on edge for a very good reason.

One thing I always love to do during Passover that will be very healing for me this week, is go to Bailly's house on the 8th day - the last day. Of course she does everything anyone could ever do that could be a commandment for Passover. I see her actions as a super-committed spiritual practice that encompasses her entire life and am inspired though I don't do anywhere near everything she does. (Including, among many other things: covering over her kitchen counters with material so that the humetzdik counters won't leach into the pure kosher-for-Passover meals.) But anyway, the 8th day is the Moschiach's Meal where they finally dip some matzo into some water and say goodbye to Pesach and hello to the world to come.

Here's a quote about it from their site:
"Moshiach's Meal
The last day of Passover ("Acharon Shel Pesach") is particularly associated with Moshiach and the future redemption. The Haftarah (reading from the Prophets) for this day is from Isaiah 11, which describes the promised future era of universal peace and divine perfection. Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instituted the custom of partaking of a "Moshiach's meal" on the afternoon of the last day of Passover; in addition to the matzah eaten at "Moshiach's meal", the Rebbes of Chabad added the custom of drinking four cups of wine, as in the seder held on Passover's first days."

So let me know what your favorite ways to eat matzo are. My favorite is with a bit of cheese melted on top. Or with cream cheese and sardines with a sliced tomato! (My dad taught me that one.) Or with the chopped liver that Rosey gave me that I hope boosts my red blood cell count. Hope your holidays and seders went well.