Matzo & More Matzo

We enjoyed our small seder that we hosted at our home with Geoff's parents and our good friend, Jerry. Having Jerry there really gave me a lot of energy and made it a very special night. Jerry's been one of my supporters here on the carepages from the beginning of my journey. I wore one of my blond wigs and felt like I was normal again.

This has been a difficult week in some ways. One way had to do with finally telling the kids that I was going to have mastectomies. Geoff and I were not on the same page with whether we should tell them or not. I wanted to and thought it was the right thing and best for them and best for me. Geoff didn't want to devastate them. It took awhile before he was ok with the idea. It helped when he called the Katz cancer center at Dominican hospital and asked for their opinion.

When I did tell the kids, they were devastated, of course. Luckily, I told them before they had to leave for other things which helped to get them off the subject and back into their own lives. Unfortunately, I was left home alone, crying over how much I have to put my kids through. I decided it was the right time for me to put in the DVD that Wendi had recommended, "13 Going on 30". It did the trick. I really enjoyed it and was able to take my mind off of the depressing thoughts.

Later that evening, Jason, Aimee and I played some board games together and did a puzzle (thanks, Glenna). We were playing one game and Aimee kept rolling the dice and not getting to move time after time after time and it made us all laugh hysterically, so hard our bellies hurt! It just reminded me that we are all resilient and will make it through all of this. I just didn't want to have to hide something from them that would be so obvious. I was reminded by a couple of friends that playing those games and laughing was probably a release from the tension of hiding this from them.

(Maybe I should tell you what I said when I told them about the surgery because this could be useful to someone else sometime. First I told them that in 2 weeks I'll be having surgery and I'm looking forward to getting all this treatment over with so we can go on with our lives. Then I told them that Daddy and I decided that the best way to make sure I never get this cancer again is to have my breasts removed. Then I said that there were things I could wear that would make me look normal most of the time. Then I stopped and asked them if they had any questions. I will leave their reactions out of this to protect their privacy. But I did tell them that this was a 2 hour surgery and that the surgeon said it was the least complicated one that I could have and makes it most likely that I'll never have to face this disease again. I also told them that it was easy because there are no muscles in the breast and they are outside the body and they won't have to go inside my body to take away all the cancer. I answered their questions as best I could without going into too much detail but had to be reminded by Geoff to stop when I went into what didn't need to be told. Then I told them that they could always ask me anything they wanted and I would not be embarrassed or feel bad. Then I reminded them that if they couldn't talk to me, they could talk to Dad and if they couldn't talk to either of us, I named adults they knew that I thought they'd be comfortable talking to.)

So this Passover I've been motivated to try different recipes using matzo meal and potato starch and matzo farfel - for the kids sake. I made some muffins, popovers, and granola. The kids always go to school during Passover and they try to stick to not eating humetz (bread) for the entire 8 days. I think it's been embarrassing for them through the years to bring matzo sandwiches and have kids ask them about it. Kids do say mean things about Jews and my kids have experienced that too.

This week and next, up until the surgery, will be like "matzo and more matzo" for me! You may know this already, but humetz (bread or any flour that has touched water and risen before being baked) represents the ego or arrogance or the belief you are separate from G-d and everyone and everything else. We are not supposed eat any humetz all Passover and not only that, but not be in possession of any humetz in our homes or anywhere else. (It's a huge spring cleaning experience for many Jews). Matzo on the other hand, is baked off before the dough has risen and represents humility and Oneness. So we eat matzo in preparation for the ultimate gift of receiving the Torah which happened 49 days after leaving Egypt. This time, we hope not to build a golden calf by Shavuos - 49 days from now when we celebrate receiving the 10 Commandments.

Going to surgery is like that 49 day preparation for me. I just have to go and leave my own wishes behind if I want to live without fear in the future. I have to surrender my own will and do what is being asked of me. The dreams have started about not wanting to do that and fearing to do that. This is going to be a challenging week.

So I'm scheduling lunch dates and tea dates and walking dates with friends. That's all I can do is connect with the love that's in my life and try to remember that when I get mad at Geoff - it's because I'm on edge right now and it's not about him. And it's not because I'm a bad person. Geoff can be a huge emotional support to me right now when I remember to use him for that and remember that I'm irritable and on edge for a very good reason.

One thing I always love to do during Passover that will be very healing for me this week, is go to Bailly's house on the 8th day - the last day. Of course she does everything anyone could ever do that could be a commandment for Passover. I see her actions as a super-committed spiritual practice that encompasses her entire life and am inspired though I don't do anywhere near everything she does. (Including, among many other things: covering over her kitchen counters with material so that the humetzdik counters won't leach into the pure kosher-for-Passover meals.) But anyway, the 8th day is the Moschiach's Meal where they finally dip some matzo into some water and say goodbye to Pesach and hello to the world to come.

Here's a quote about it from their site:
"Moshiach's Meal
The last day of Passover ("Acharon Shel Pesach") is particularly associated with Moshiach and the future redemption. The Haftarah (reading from the Prophets) for this day is from Isaiah 11, which describes the promised future era of universal peace and divine perfection. Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instituted the custom of partaking of a "Moshiach's meal" on the afternoon of the last day of Passover; in addition to the matzah eaten at "Moshiach's meal", the Rebbes of Chabad added the custom of drinking four cups of wine, as in the seder held on Passover's first days."

So let me know what your favorite ways to eat matzo are. My favorite is with a bit of cheese melted on top. Or with cream cheese and sardines with a sliced tomato! (My dad taught me that one.) Or with the chopped liver that Rosey gave me that I hope boosts my red blood cell count. Hope your holidays and seders went well.

Leaving Egypt

UnApocalypse

By Tzvi Freeman

This world was not created for some apocalyptic finale; its magnificence was not formed to dissipate into ionized gas. Each thing was formed for the glory of its Maker who stands forever.

Only the darkness must wind itself to its end, and it must be robbed of the treasures it holds. For the most precious things of this world are held in darkness.
By Tzvi Freeman
From the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, of righteous memory; rendered by Tzvi Freeman.
----------------

The last few days as I recover from this last round of Taxatere and Decadron, I find myself yet again awakening to just how insidious depression can be. Thankfully, I have been down this road before and have been prepared to expect it. So I catch myself when my mind starts turning that way and can say to myself, "Oh, wow, that's depression" - instead of letting it take me where it wants me to agree: "yeah, isn't my life awful".

So most times, before it gets to "poor me", I can let the depression fall away by not giving it anyone to listen to its sorry ways of thinking. This is crucial to my health and future because if I instead allow myself to sink into wherever the depressive thoughts want to take me, I end up with feelings of defeat, hopelessness and wanting to give up. And I don't want to be defeated. I want to live and I do feel more sure everyday since diagnosed that I will live for a long time, done with this chapter of my life.

So I have learned to catch my thoughts and watch how they go down that road and how easy it is to get lost in that and make it worse and worse. I feel so lucky that I can see depression for what it is and stay outside of it somewhat. The "treasure" of experiencing this "darkness" so many times during my treatment is that I have developed so much more compassion for people who can't get out of depression no matter what medication they try.

One of the things I've been doing to keep my mind on more positive things is to do some learning online with the Chabad audio-classes on Passover. Pesach is such an amazing, rich, symbolic, healing and enriching holiday. But you'd never know it unless you actually learn something about it's inner symbolism from the Hasidic perspective.

One thing that struck me as a new insight from my studies this week was the idea of freeing ourselves from those things that we think are so great but really end up enslaving us. Like Pharoah. He was like a god, had all the money, power, influence, and the food we needed when we were starving in the Holy Land. So we went there and ended up enslaved to him.

So I started wondering what I am enslaved to this year...what do I think will bring me what I want that isn't really going to and instead doesn't amount to anything substantial? What do I think is eternal but is only fleeting? I was able to name two of these things last night and noticed that my thinking they were substantial led me down the depression road. One was the birthday cake I really wanted to eat and the other was my bald head that I didn't want Jason's friends to have to be confronted by. Addiction to sugar and vanity are two things that enslave me every time.

A friend wrote me an email today congratulating me on Jason's birthday (he's 15 today) and thanking me for being there for her in the past. I was so grateful to have gotten that email because it was the answer I was looking for to another question. If addictions and money and fame and sugar and vanity and many other things enslave us and are not real, then what is real and eternal?

My son, Jason is not eternal. But the fact of his life and who he is and the impact he's made on the world is definitely eternal. I am so proud to be his mom and so proud to be Aimee's mom. How I raise my children and treat them and how I treat my own parents and friends...all that creates eternal treasures that are meaningful forever. My friend's thanking me for helping her was an eternally meaningful moment for me that did help me prepare myself for going out of Egypt this Passover.

If any of you want to explore those audios, go to http://www.chabadbythesea.com/holidays/passover/pesach_cdo/aid/257152/jewish/Passover-Audio-Classes.htm
There are "tidbits" a couple of minutes long and "insights" that are an hour or so. My recommendation for a tidbit: "Going Out of Egypt Daily" by Moshe New - it's only a couple of minutes long: http://www.chabadbythesea.com/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/368439/jewish/Leaving-Egypt-Daily.htm And if you want a longer one, "Passover Night and Kabbalah" by Shlomo Yaffe - this was so excellent!!! http://www.chabadbythesea.com/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/486417/jewish/Passover-Night-and-Kabbalah.htm Play the audio and then play solitaire.

I hope you have a kosher Pesach and enjoy your seder and find your own way out of Egypt this year and every day of your life. I can't wait to taste my first matzo!!!

Celebration Day - Last Chemo

I had a very nice final chemo. I got to try out one of the private infusion rooms that I hadn't tried out before. My friend, Stefanie came to visit. The chemo nurses all gave me a congratulations card when I left and told me to come back to show them my hair when it grows out.

The surgery date has been set and, G-d willing, I will have my surgery on April 23rd.

My surgery visualization cd has me visualize all the support people in my life along with magical beings and guardian angels filling up the entire surgery room. Their role is to surround the surgeon, anesthesiologist and assistants in order to keep their vibe caring, gentle and respectful toward me. I hear my surgeon and all his assistants excitedly saying to each other what a great job he's done and my body cooperates fully by slowing down my bleeding.

So in order to help me visualize all of your faces there with me, I have posted more photos of those of you who are on this site regularly but haven't sent me a photo of you. If you don't like the photo I posted, I will delete it - just let me know by email. Or you can send me a photo you'd like me to put up instead of the one I picked. You can check to see if I put your photo up by clicking on Photo Gallery at the top of the page and then click on your photo to see it larger. I was only able to post photos of those of you I could find photos of.

For the rest of you, I would love to get photos to post, if you don't mind. I know I said this before that you don't have to participate and I just ran right over any wishes by posting my own without asking you if it's ok first. I hope you can forgive me and know you are contributing to my healing by letting me peruse the photos whenever I need to remember how many there are of you supporting me.

And thanks to my brother, Larry, who was talking to one of my high school buddy's brothers about me, I was contacted by 4 of my friends from high school who are now participating on these caringpages. Hey, Christy, Katie, Debbie, and Judy, didn't any of us take photos when we met last at the reunion? If so, send me some and I'll post them too. I so appreciate that you are with me now.

So, I have all my relatives' photos up, and now I just need more of my friends and I'll be all set.

I'm still running high on the Decadron and I have to take it tomorrow too. I expect to start to crash tomorrow night or Friday for a few days and then go into a depression next week. So I've scheduled one of those free massages on Monday (she's coming to my house!) and acupuncture on Tuesday, and another free massage on Wednesday. That should see me through my worst days if I have any this time. The kids will be off from school for the break and that should keep me up. And we plan to take them to Point Lobos on Thursday morning (before the crowds get there) and then to Phil's Fish Market for lunch on the way back home.

Geoff and Aimee should be getting some good photos from that trip, so those of you on Geoff's email list for his blog should look forward to photos from our trip.

Hope you have a good rest of the week and weekend. I'll be in bed watching lots of TV. And I've got a DVD too.

Getting Ready for Last Chemo

I need to clear off my desk today and am finding lots of other distracting things to do like this update and putting up the photos of my Grabelle side of the family. Mom just went back home today which makes it appropriate to post her side of the family. We had a great time with her and it was really nice to spend it with her all by herself.

Jason enjoyed laughing with his grandma about the show, "The Office" which they both love. Both Aimee and Jason got to buy some new clothes. We all enjoyed Greek food, seafood, and Thai food. Jason and Aimee went out to the movies with Grandma while I saw my clients. And Geoff and I got to have good conversations with her. She left with a smaller bank account but her cup full of my family.

The topic of mastectomy without reconstruction is an ongoing theme in my life these days. I thoroughly explored that "sentenced2live" website with the photos. She's some woman. If you try to find photos of the result of this surgery online, you won't find anything with a face on it. She was determined to make that change and wrote that when she was taking those photos on the beach, the lifeguard drove around her several times trying to decide whether to tell her to put a shirt on or not!

Seeing her photos of before and immediately after the surgery along with her 4 years later on the beach were very empowering as well. I know I'm not going to be as beautiful, shapely or young as she is, but her photos gave me the thought that I might not be so hideous as I thought I'd be. And I've been posing in front of the mirror, lifting them up and covering them to see just what it will look like.

I don't want to go through any more surgeries so I thank you all for not trying to convince me to have reconstruction. My mom proposed the question: if Geoff died, G-d forbid, would I want to look good (have reconstruction) in order to attract another husband? I said, if he was gone, I'd rather live alone than remarry! And if I change my mind, I would hope that whoever I was attracted to would accept me as I am! And I do know someone who did find someone just like that...

Anyway, if I ever change my mind down the road, the reconstruction doesn't include silicone-filled bags inside your body. It includes a big surgery that would actually work much better since it includes using your own body to make fake breasts. And they use your belly fat! Wouldn't that be nice to get rid of?
But they also take skin from your sides and maybe your back and your belly - it can take 8-12 hours of surgery or more. It doesn't sound like the easiest thing to recover from and besides, you still have to get tatoos for nipples and still have completely lost any feeling and prevent yourself from being able to easily feel a recurrence if it ever happened. So no thanks.

I went to Horsnyders and got a camisole with cotton-pillow-fake-breasts. I also got arm sleeves to prevent Lympedema - to be worn after surgery. When I fully recover from the surgery, I'll go back there and get some real prostheses which my insurance will cover. Who knows if I'll wear them or what I'll eventually do. I never thought I'd wear a wig and look at me now. I've been wearing one all day for the past 3.

My hair's coming back in. I've got a 1/4 inch layer all over my head. My eyebrows are starting to come back in too. One day all this will be a memory. The end is coming soon. I just hope I don't mentally go back to my old self and instead bring what I've learned forward with me. It's a windy, but sunny day today (oh, maybe I just had allergies and not a cold!) and I look forward to completing my last chemo on Wednesday and starting the last difficult part of this whole experience.

My visualization cd is helping me prepare by visualizing those competent people who will help and assist in the surgery, seeing my body cooperate fully by hardly bleeding at all and recovering and healing quickly and easily. I'm reading a book called, "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster" subtitled, "A Guide of Mind-Body Techniques" by Peggy Huddleston. It's giving me lots of new insights.

One of the new insights has to do with saying goodbye to this part of my body. I really understood what my breasts represented to me after reading this book while waiting in the car for Mom & the kids to shop. My breasts represent the part of me that gives and gives to others without thinking about what I need for myself. This also means they represent my difficulty in saying no and setting limits when I feel like I need to be there for someone else. They are very happy to be released from those obligations and I'm so ready to let those ways of being go. I'm exhausted and depleted from that stuff. I'm over it. I'm grateful that I can allow a body part to represent that for me because it's the ultimate in letting go rituals.

I appreciate having had the willingness to nurse Aimee until she was 3. I appreciate having a personality that is so able to be there so completely for others in a nurturing way. It's one of my strengths as a therapist. And I appreciate the recognition that part of my healing is to be there as completely for myself. And it's definitely a communication learning experience for me to be honest and say no and yet stay connected to people.

(My personality type on the Enneagram is #9 which you can read more about here. It's a fun system and you can learn more about your own type too. I use this system in my practice. If

you go there, let me know what you think your type is.)

Ok, on to cleaning off my desk and the last week that's the beginning of the end of this chapter of my life.

Saw the Surgeon Today

I figured if I was having as much anxiety as I was having, I needed to see my surgeon again before the next chemo. He always settles my mind and I feel better after talking to him.

He was raised in Ghana and knew since he was in elementary school that he wanted to be a surgeon. (Geoff always asks the interesting questions.) He was educated at Harvard and Yale. He still loves surgery after 30 years because he feels he gets to cure people. If he were a family practice doc, he wouldn't like it because people come in with problems and he would try this drug or that drug and sometimes they won't feel better.

My first question to him was a statement that brought me to tears and luckily, he had a box of tissues on his desk. "I read that this surgery is anywhere from 2 - 5 hours long"...sob... He told me that I was having the least complicated surgery because I wasn't getting reconstruction. He thinks that the left side would take 1 3/4 hours and the right side only 3/4 hours. No, I do not need a mammogram first or any other test since I am getting a "bi-lateral" mastectomy. All I need is a blood test (which I get already every Tuesday). I will get a chest x-ray when admitted to the hospital just to make sure my lungs were clear. (I need to ask more about that because it seems like overkill and I've had so much radiation already!). I would only be in the hospital overnight - 2 days. After surgery, I would have one of those patient controlled pain management devices - so I can give myself more pain medication as I need it. My drains would come out by the 2nd or 3rd day after surgery. And yes, he would order a home care nurse to visit me - he thought it was a good idea - especially if our insurance covers it. And while I'm in the hospital, a physical therapist starts me on exercises.

Then he did an exam and yes, I have no tumor at all anymore! The only way he said he could tell I had cancer was that my nipple is still inverted from the scar tissue. So I see him a week or two after my last chemo and then I get surgery either April 16th or the following week depending on how my counts are and what my oncologist says. And this time, we can schedule it early and get the first surgeries of the day - unlike the last minute deal I had to do with my old oncologist for the port insertion.

All my counts today are in the normal levels except for the red blood cells which are slightly low. I'm still feeling like I'm fighting off this cold or maybe this is just the type of cold I get when on these Chinese herbs. I wake up with a slightly stuffy nose and am tired. So I am working on turning my thoughts toward appreciation and gratitude and as many positive things as I can muster, along with relaxation - hoping that will help me get better.

And I can finally now actually do some good relaxation since my mind has been settled (as much as it can be for the moment) by my surgeon.

Fighting Off a Cold

Wish me luck for fighting off a cold. I've had sneezing and tickling in my nose and low energy and some depression. I slept it off yesterday morning and missed my weekly get together with Bailly. I increased my Marrow Plus and found the symptoms going away. Today I go to Acupuncture to hopefully put this virus behind me. My nose has stopped tickling and my mental state is a bit better though I lost some sleep last night worrying about getting sick and not enjoying my 3rd week of usually feeling better and contemplating the looming surgery.

It was really hard for me to completely stay away from Aimee this time. She had a bad one with fever. It's in my nature to be the healer for this family and especially for my kids and it just kills me to hold myself back so I don't get sick. (I was cocky too since my white count's been normal.) Geoff's great about being the hard-nose to get her to drink fluids. He's good at the hard-edge style of parenting. But I'm the nurturer.

Which reminds me of seeing my clients this weekend. They did like my wig. (But of course, would they tell me if they didn't?) Still, the new client I saw didn't know it was a wig - so that tells you something. Aimee helped me decide which wig was the best for me out of the 4 free ones I've been hoarding. And truthfully, I did think she picked the best one. I felt like Bailly in it. (And that says a lot because she has a really good sheytle - not a free one.)

Anyway, back to the colds. I got a cold prior to my first chemo and so I'm thinking that could be one of the reasons I'm fighting one off now...the surgery looms. Stress from anticipation anxiety gets me many times. I have one more chemo and that only means I'm looking at surgery. And as much as I tell myself that I will lose 6-8 pounds once these are gone, and I will never have to wear bras again, and never have to have rashes during the summertime and am looking forward to getting to eat the hospital food that I couldn't touch last time, it's still my body and it's still surgery.

When in a depressive mood, I do go to thoughts like, the surgery is irreversible and what if they come up with a cure in the near future? Am I making the right decision? Am I going to one day regret not getting reconstruction? Will Geoff be repulsed by me? Will I be repulsed by myself? Are people going to be repulsed if I happen to go without falsies and look completely flat there? Will I handle the pain and the phantom limb feelings? Am I going to be able to handle the drains? Will I be able to do what it takes to get my arm motion and strength back? Will I get lympedema? (Sorry to be so honest about all of this because I know it's not so pleasant to read about this stuff.) And I don't need any advice on it unless you've gone through this yourself and can share your experience with it...after the next chemo (April 1st) I will be meeting with the surgeon to get my questions answered and I know I will eventually find my way through all of this stuff as I have everything else.

G-d sent me a Law and Order that was about breast cancer. I watched it last night. McCoy wanted to nail a healer who was giving women hope that they wouldn't have to have mastectomies. Instead they just died. I realized that was my answer to a prayer about helping me get the right perspective for the surgery.

So I'm looking forward to getting my new guided visualization cd from my acupuncturist today and taking a nap on her acupuncture table and talking to her about our kids Jason and Jake. Belleruth Naparstek also has a cd for surgery (among her many other fabulous cancer support guided visualization cds). They are really wonderful with such positive affirmations on them.

The birds are still singing and I can hear a wood-pecker and it's another beautiful day in Santa Cruz. My mom's coming to visit on Friday all by herself and I'm looking forward to some one on one. It should be good, warm weather for her and I should be feeling healthy and strong and up for all those restaurant meals. I'm also scheduling lots of free massage and did I tell you that they also offer free massage to family members? So I've got to get one for Geoff too.

Depression Sucks

Last night I began to recognize that my mental state was traveling in a southerly direction. It had been heading that way without my knowing it for the past few days...probably since late Tuesday. When I listened to my visualization CD last night, I was awake during the affirmation part and heard her say,

"I know there are times when I become worried, fearful, despairing, sad or angry and I acknowledge and accept what I feel as my inner truth of the moment. I know that the more that I can acknowledge and accept what I truly feel, without criticism or blame, the more I assist my body's natural tendency to be well. More and more, I can soften and release unwanted emotions once they are acknowledged..." (From Guided Imagery Chemotherapy by Belleruth Naparstek)

That's when it hit me that I might be depressed. I was not wanting to acknowledge and accept my feelings because I was ashamed of being so negative. And truly, when I am happy, I get lots of praise in this carepages and in the outside world. And I get unwanted advice when I share the negativity... Being depressed makes me not only feel awful and think negatively, but believe I am a bad person and a failure and everyone else thinks badly about me too.

Being a therapist doesn't make it any easier to understand what a "chemical imbalance" means. Maybe if I was an MD, I'd understand how the chemicals in the brain work and then maybe the idea of depression could be less demeaning since it's not my fault that my brain chemicals are so off. Going through this chemo though brings home the concept of chemicals causing depression. I keep getting reminded of the decadron.

This time wasn't as bad as last time in that after the last chemo/decadron chemical imbalance, I was truly wacko. I could see how irrational my thoughts were and I was literally crying a few times about somewhat bizarre issues. This time, with less decadron, it was more subtle, so it caught me by surprise. But when it was a gorgeous day, and I wasn't able to notice it and wasn't able to make a simple decision like where to go out for breakfast next week with friends and found myself thinking how awful it will be to go through another round of chemo and then to have to have surgery and then noticing I was picking on Geoff in my mind for the littlest thing, and worrying about Aimee having the flu and possibly breast cancer one day and migraines now, and looking at myself in the mirror and only seeing no eyebrows, no eyelashes and...and...and...I knew for sure what was going on.

So I decided to make an appointment with the Katz Center to try on wigs. It was the best thing I could think of to do for myself: Personalized attention that I didn't get when I was too rushed last time. The nurse asked me how I was doing...and I told her...and she reminded me of the decadron. And told me that next chemo, I can prepare myself by scheduling to do something those days that will help me. So I felt proud of myself to have figured that out today. And I came away with another blond wig but a younger style cut that's really cute. (I guess without eyebrows, and such pale skin, blond is the only color that's going to work right now.)

I also went out to Trader Joes with my dad's gift card before Katz. There's no better healing remedy like browsing through a store feeling like you can buy whatever you want. I got macadamia nuts, frozen vegetable samosas, eggplant humous dip, unsweetened Belgian chocolate, frozen broccoli quiches, and a chicken salad that I doctored up and fed to Aimee in a sandwich when I got home. (She's feeling better BTW and her fever is gone.) I also bumped into Doris in the frozen food aisle which was great because I have missed her. She's been busy taking care of her mom.

So I'm sitting here in my new, blond wig, listening to the birds again and loving the warm weather, happy to have recognized a downward spiral and feeling better for having done what I needed to do to help myself through it. I know this was totally chemically induced but of course, even if it wasn't, it's understandable for a cancer patient to feel depressed every once in a while, if not all the freaking time! I am feeling like myself again (T.G.) but know that if those thoughts creep back in, I can always hit Trader Joe's again or the woods or something else. Hey! next time I'll schedule one of those free massages! (I have one scheduled for Saturday...)

My Window Was Open Today

I had my window open today and enjoyed the fresh air. I noticed green leaves starting to grow again on the only tree in our backyard that sheds for the winter. Thanks to Kathy, I got to smell a huge bouquet of gorgeous, deep purple freesias all weekend that sat on the nightstand next to my bed. Spring is definitely on its way and I can feel new life taking shape within me.

Next chemo will be my last and I am even beginning to accept the idea of losing my breasts. I've gone through so many different things that I never thought I'd be able to accept and handle. Now that chemo is nearly over, I can't believe I am actually starting to embrace the idea of the surgery. At first I get horrified by my fate and then as I go through each stage, acceptance comes and I begin to focus on the positive - like feeling clean and not having that top weight on me. It also helped that someone who's had a double mastectomy came over to my house and showed me what it looks like. I can envision it now and I can hold out for the possibility that it won't be so bad and may even feel better.

I didn't have any depression or migraines with this last round of chemo and believe it could have been because of the lower dose of the decadron and easing off it more slowly. This chemo is different from the other chemo in that my worst days are Saturday and Sunday rather than Friday. So the time spent in bed is longer though only one of them was spent entirely in pajamas. Other than fatigue, constipation, and a bad taste in my mouth, there's very little pain and no nausea. In fact, this time I took a new Chinese herbal preparation called, "Marrow Plus" and I didn't have the bone pain I usually have by the 5th day.

I even got dressed and showered today and took Aimee to school. It's only on Mondays that I do that because Geoff does our volunteer work at PCS on Monday mornings. All the other days I get to go slow in the morning while he gets the kids breakfast and takes them to school. They're 11 and 14 and could make their own breakfast, but he loves doing it and reminds me that Jason will be in college soon enough...

So, I just wanted to touch base and let you all know how I did with the last round. I'm very excited that the end is in sight and I only have one more round.

Yay! It's Purim!

Sorry this is so long...I'm excited today. Maybe it's the decadron that I have to start taking today to prevent allergic problems from the chemo tomorrow...

I went to the Hadassah luncheon today wearing my short, blond wig and make-up. I couldn't believe the difference I felt between how I felt today vs when I went to the women's program with Chabad and wore a scarf. I felt so comfortable with a wig on - like I didn't want to hide. The scarf over the bald head makes me feel like I'm advertising that I'm going through chemo. This wig is more comfortable than my other one because it is short and they gave me something to wear under it to prevent itching. It's also fun and funny. My friends and family get a big smile on their faces when they see me in it. Jason though, seems to have a hard time with so many changes and said he likes the hats better...so I wonder whether it would be hard also for my clients to see me in it... (Hey, therapist friends, you can give me input privately here or through my email address if you have 2 cents).

I was exhausted when I got home around 3:30pm after leaving the house at 8:30am for the port draw and then over to acupuncture for the treatment prior to tomorrow's chemo and then to Lee's to pick her up and then to someone else who needed a ride and then over to Aptos for the luncheon and back. But even though I was tired, I had to go over to Bailly's to say "Hi" and "Happy Purim" and show her the wig on before going home. She was so happy to see it in person. I won't be able to attend her Purim party today with all the kids/germs there.

The rabbi read me the (whole) megillah which he read very quickly in Hebrew (took 20 minutes) while I read the story to myself in English. It's a mitzvah to hear it read and to give Tzedakah and to give shalach munis or manot (gifts of food to friends). I was very grateful that Bailly also hadn't heard the megillah read yet either because I probably wouldn't have let him read it only to me (do I really merit having a special private reading?) Plus, I would never have remembered to read it this year on my own since, well, you know, my mind is on other things...and I really feel badly that I've missed a lot of the holidays this year and may be recovering from my last chemo come Passover.

Normally, Aimee and I would be making gift bags of food today and delivering them to friends. We had all these Jewish calendars that I'd saved with beautiful artwork on them. Aimee would cut out the artwork and glue them to the gift bags. It was fun. I also make kreplach (yum - Jewish potstickers) in honor of the secret that was kept hidden and then revealed. There were many secrets that were revealed through the Purim event and the most well known secret was Esther's true identity - it was kept secret from her husband, the king, until the final moment when she revealed herself (at the risk of death) to save her people. It's a wonderful holiday and a perfect story for empowering girls.

After reading the megillat Esther, I was struck by the fact of how symbolic and poignant it is that I'm wearing a short, blond wig today when I am normally a person who wears dark, long hair. The Purim story is so about the miracle of how everything was turned upside down and the very person (Haman) who was poised to kill all the Jews ended up hung on the gallows he built for Esther's uncle/husband, Mordecai, who was led through the city on a horse by Haman to honor him (Haman's idea because he thought the honor was going to be his own).

I was also struck by many other things in the story that I am struck by every year, including Esther's bravery and how powerful the Jewish people can be when they actually come together and how hard it must have been to fast for 3 days. But this time reading a line about Haman struck me differently due to the predicament I'm in this year. He was so happy that he was the right hand man of the king, and so happy that he was invited to a party by Esther where he was the only one invited along with the king. But he couldn't be happy because that darn Mordechai wouldn't bow down to him. So he built a gallows for that darn Mordechai. I thought about how often (in a depression) I have only focused on that one negative thing in life when all else was positive! Depression and negativity could be the death of someone! Building a gallows for that bitterness may get you hung yourself! So how fascinating that I am wearing a short, blond wig today and not my usual long, dark hair - everything is topsy, turvy on Purim.

Anyway Purim's a great holiday for children because there are carnivals and dress up. It's very much celebrated like Halloween in Israel where everyone dresses up but not in ghoulish attire and not to collect candy from others but to give gifts of food to others. The little children tend to want to dress up like Mordecai and Queen Esther, the heroes of the story. Adults dress in silly costumes. (So I feel like I'm dressing up for Purim today with the wig and the make-up!) In fact the day is supposed to be very happy and joyful - and the whole month of Adar is like that (the 12th month on the Jewish calendar) and we increase in joy leading up to the liberation of Passover.

I loved the Hadassah luncheon. Hadassah was Esther's Hebrew name. Here in S.Cruz, the Hadassah chapter created a tradition to have a luncheon on Purim. The speaker was a teacher of mine once at UCSC and he said something today that he called his mantra and it touched me deeply because it was a mirror of my own idea. "You can't say you're an educated person if you don't know anything about Jewish history, culture and experience." I would add, Jewish religion to that mix since it's the foundation of all the other Western religions. Baumgarten, today's speaker, gets 50/50 Jews and non-Jews in his Jewish Study classes up at UCSC. Percentage-wise, UCSC has the most Jews of any UC campus. My question to him was, "How are the Jewish students doing with the anti-Zionist sentiment on campus?" He didn't seem to be worried about resilient students who need to hear this stuff early because they'll hear it later. I didn't agree with that...but that's another megillah.

I was so happy this year when Aimee studied the ancient Hebrews in her sociology class (and aced the test). I always wondered why no one wanted to teach and learn about the ancient Hebrews and in fact why people don't want to teach and learn Hebrew itself so they would know how to read the Good Book and know the religion that was the foundation for the other ones.

Jason's school is the top charter school in the country and they have a large number of Jewish students but they are all big on learning Latin and they also offer Chinese. My thought has always been, "why not Hebrew? Am I the only one who sees it's value?" Is the Latin and Greek culture and the Arthurian legends really so worthwhile to learn about? I know people love mythology...but what did the Roman's do but crucify Jews and others...sorry I'm so on a soapbox today but I've got an audience and of course you can put your 2 cents in here too.

Anyway I was glad to hear something that resonated with me come out of Baumgarten's mouth today. Happy Purim to you all and BTW, I think that it's not out of the blue that the stock market went up today. It's supposed to be a very happy day!

Look Good...Feel Better

Today I went to this monthly class they offer through the Dominican Katz Center - it's called, "Look Good...Feel Better". The American Cancer Society got together with the Personal Care Products Council and the National Cosmetology Association to sponsor a free class for cancer patients where they give away a bag of free make-up and free wigs. They teach you how to put on make-up and how to tie up scarves, etc.

In high school, I experimented with make-up and in college I kinda left it behind. When I flunked my oral exam to become a licensed marriage and family therapist, I went to the exam again the following year with my hair permed and dyed, wearing expensive clothing picked out for me by a personal shopper, including high heels so I could look older and pass the exam. (Of course I also went over at least one vignette a day for an entire year. But I'm sure the whole get-up helped as well.) I got married around that same time and my wedding album is full of photos of me with permed & highlighted hair. Then when I started working as a therapist, I wore make-up, high heels and earrings until my ears couldn't take it anymore and my toes got calloused. When I got my own office and private practice, I got more comfortable and left the make-up, permed hair and highlights behind. From then on, make-up was for special occasions only.

So going in there today was well, out of desperation. My eyebrows have thinned out and all my lower eyelashes are gone. My upper eyelashes are barely still there and of course, my head is bald. My skin on my eyelids sag down to what eyelashes I have left. My skin on my face is pale and blotchy. I just thought I could use a few pointers and if I didn't like the make-up, well, Aimee would love it.

When I got there, I was the only one out of the 5 participants who had no hair. I really felt out of place - like I didn't belong there! I discovered that they just came in after their first chemo - which of course, I couldn't do! It took me a long time to get to this class and my hair came out only 2 weeks after that first tremendous blast of chemo landed me in the hospital for 8 days.

Anyway, they showed us how to put on the make-up and I was afraid to put anything on my eyes because I've been having problems with stuff getting in my eyes. After awhile though, I put some eye pencil on so I could actually look like I had some eyelashes. Then I tried eyebrow pencil and either had the wrong color or I just look like a clown with eyebrow pencil. So I wiped it off.

Luckily, I was the only one without hair because when it came time to try wigs on, I got to be the demonstration! And the person in charge did not know what my real hair color looked like so she picked out this very light brown/blond wig for me and it looked great! Unfortunately, I had to leave early and couldn't find one exactly the same color to take home, but I'll go back there another time and get personal attention.

I did bring one wig home and surprised Aimee and Geoff when I walked in the door with it on. Aimee said, "What happened? Did you grow hair?" I had her take a photo of me to show you all what I looked like with the wig and make-up on. Don't laugh! Or maybe you should. It's definitely funny. Aimee kept saying that I looked like my mom. When Jason came home and got surprised, he said I looked like my mom. Geoff thinks so too. I kept thinking that Grandma Pauline is definitely laughing and happy right now that I have a huge bag of make-up and a blond wig. Maybe I look like her!

Positive Thoughts...

I had a really great time with my dad. Having him here lifted my spirits tremendously. I highly recommend getting a chance to spend time with each parent separately. We watched TV together, talked, took naps (well, he did that better than me), and went out to eat. Going out to eat is like a tradition with my mom and dad. Last time they came to visit, I was so sick, I couldn't go out with everybody - so I made up for it this time. We went to Gayles (love it), Hoffmans, Sabieng, and best of all, Shadowbrook. I cried when I overslept and missed our last meal together: breakfast at Walnut Ave. Cafe.

I believe those tears were chemo and cancer related since of course, our "last meal together" touched me very deeply in a way that wouldn't have if I wasn't a cancer patient.

Paul, Geoff's brother came down from Marin on Saturday and we got their mom, Lee, to join us at the Shadowbrook. It was just lovely and the food was perfect, as usual. It didn't seem like there was a recession because there were so many people out, but Shadowbrook is one of those special occasion restaurants. Jason once told me (when he was very young) that when he got older, he was going take his date to the Shadowbrook.

I wore my fanciest black and gold headwrap and beautiful topaz colored earrings my friend Liz got me...so I felt somewhat normal. But some women seemed to look at me longer than others and I wondered if they were survivors. I bet I'll be like that too one day...wishing I could go up to a person who looks like she's going through chemo and give her a big hug, letting her know I've been through it.

I spoke to my WomenCare "sister" last night over the phone. I told her about my tears when I missed breakfast and she completely understood. She said she always hated it when people would say to her - "you've got to think positive while you are going through this". She said she was literally "on drugs" for 6 months while going through chemo and if that doesn't effect your mind, what will? Plus this is a disease that does bring you face to face with mortality. She said if we could heal cancer with positive thoughts, we would all be sent to comedy shows rather than chemo drips.

I agree with her. It's important to feel the feelings that this disease brings up and to thoroughly explore your own mortality on a personal and spiritual level. It's not often that you are given that opportunity in life. And I do see it as an opportunity. I surely wouldn't explore it on my own without having it shoved in my face like this.

The best part of that exploration is the pure joy and love and positive thoughts that also flood you. This life is made of both "good" and "bad" experiences and the "bad" sometimes makes what's "good" more evident and more precious. And of course whenever I think I could lose something, it makes it all the more appealing - like chocolate!

Which reminds me, I need to go eat some of that sugar-free chocolate I made!

Summer & I've Turned a Corner

I woke up today and felt like I'd turned a corner on this last chemo. Maybe it's the sunshine for two days and the orange and tangerine oil in my diffuser and my celexa and the acupuncture and my dad coming and all your love and support but I do feel happy today for the first time in a few days.

Geoff met someone recently who's coming over today and I get to talk to her about her breast cancer & lympodema experience.

I just got back from a walk with Geoff and Summer (our 3 yr old golden retriever) and my bald head is sweaty and I had such beautiful moments of pure joy and happiness. Geoff told me to hold Summer on the leash and then he walked way down the street and stopped and told me, let her go. She would run like a bat out of hell, down the street to him. It was so cute how fast she would run.

We did this a few times and each time, she ran as hard as the first. Then Geoff told me to walk out so I could see her face running toward me. So I walked out and squatted down. When he let her go, I could see her running toward me, tongue hanging out and when she ran by the place where she always likes to smell (there are deer there sometimes), I noticed her head turn towards it and I wondered if she would stop and smell. But instead, she ran right past it and toward me. Then I wondered if she'd knock me over once she got to me. Instead, she stopped on a dime and didn't even touch me. (I chuckle to myself right now just reading this.)

Little things like that are so meaningful when you are feeling good.

When Bailly was over she asked about Summer since she has no experience with dogs. She wondered if you could say to a dog, "where's Jason?" for example and the dog will look. I couldn't remember. I asked Geoff about it today and he told me that yes, when he takes her to pick up the kids, he'll say, "where's Jason?" or "where's Aimee?" and Summer will look around to see if they are coming toward the car.

Another thought while walking today: I would love to go to Henry Cowell redwoods - you know, the trail by the train? If anyone's up for driving me there and then going for a walk, sometime in the next couple of weeks before the next chemo, let me know! I've used that place for my visualization cd and figure I might as well go there in person and not just in my mind!

Sometime I'll tell you about the visualization cd - it's got really cool affirmations on it specifically for cancer and chemo.

Hope you are having a happy day too.

Counts

My white blood counts and red blood counts are amazingly higher this week after chemo than they were last week before chemo. This tells me that the Chinese herbal formula I'm taking "C/R" is covering me because last week when I got my blood checked, I'd been off them for about 10 days. I started them again the day before chemo and have been on them all week. And when I went in to acupuncture today, I made sure to get another bottle so I don't run out! But that was before I saw my counts.

Unfortunately, my neutraphils and platelets are still low. I love how SC Medical gives your tests results to you to check out for yourself online.
Here are the results from last week (before chemo) and today:
Standard Range 4.0-11.0 K/uL 3.90-5.40 M/uL 150-400 K/uL 2.0-8.0 K/uL
2/17/09 white: 3.2 L; red: 3.32 L; platelet:308
2/24/09 white: 3.6 L; red: 3.45 L; pltlts82 L; neutraphils: 1.1 L

So I'm still tired, but glad to see my counts up. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten this cold. That and staying away from my kids and using aromatherapy.

Anyway, I talked with my oncologist because I wanted to know whether I should speed this up and get chemo every other week rather than every 3 weeks. I think I might do that later - the last 2 rounds of this and see how this first round goes. He says if my bone marrow can handle it, it's ok to do that. So we'll see how I recover those nutraphils. I also don't want to be taking off so much from my clients, if I go every other week. And before my next chemo, I want to go to a Hadassah luncheon with my mother-in-law for my 3rd week when I'm feeling so peachy.

It was nice getting all that Grabelle love, offers of support, offer to come over and watch a movie sometime! Plus other offers of vegetable cooking, cleaning, and walks are so nice. After discussing these things with Geoff, he did a fabulous job on the kitchen counters and is making some veggies to go with tonight's dinner! He is a definite mensch as you all know.

I'm looking forward to getting out of the house on Thursday to see two clients. And my dad is coming to visit us on Friday. Law & Order is still a winner for me and I love that Jack McCoy - he doesn't let anyone get away with doing wrong. I've also gotten into CMT believe it or not. They have some very good, meaningful songs that bring me joy right now.

Does everyone know about Hadassah and what they do? I want to write about that next. I never knew until my mother-in-law started dragging me to her meetings. I've always really enjoyed their magazine - but never thought twice about them since they were my mother and mother-in-law's organizations. It's interesting because in S.C., they can't get any "younger" women to come to regular meetings...

So thanks again for your support and I'll catch you all next time I want to write. Maybe it'll be about Hadassah.

Tired

This chemo definitely hit me differently than the other one. No nausea, no pain, but tons of fatigue. I slept through the weekend. Both kids had colds so I kept to my bedroom and slept or watched TV to stay away from them. It was a bit lonely.

This morning I didn't feel like getting dressed or showered, my energy is really low. Plus my tongue feels so yucky. I always get a white coating on it after chemo but it goes away by the 2nd week. This chemo though feels a bit worse in that area. Nothing I eat tastes right.

So I decided to get on the computer and do insurance billing despite how I was feeling. Doing billing makes me feel stronger and even a bit wealthy. I've been toying with the idea of having my cleaning woman come every week instead of every other week now while I go through chemo and after surgery. (I mean, what better time to give myself something like that?) So feeling like I have a bit more money will help in the negotiation with Geoff on that one!

I felt so lucky to have Geoff yesterday because I was feeling lonely but it didn't occur to me to ask him to watch TV with me until I felt really lonely. (I think he rather enjoyed the fact that I wanted him.) He never gets sick, so I wasn't worried about catching anything from him. I miss my kids though. Anyway, he's making me meatloaf for dinner tonight which I'm looking forward to. He gets the kids ready for school. He drives them everywhere and goes to every game and never complains about taking them (only about the coaching & refereeing). In fact, he really enjoys being the hands on dad. He also reminded me that I wasn't just depressed yesterday but have normal feelings about a horrendous situation. (If I could just get him to do a thorough cleaning job in the kitchen, I'd be fully happy with him! No, seriously, I'm getting my cleaning woman for that! But maybe I could get him to make vegetables and not just meat and potatoes...)

So after doing billing this morning, I called Bailly to see if she could come visit today. (See, I am learning to ask for what I need.) I knew that sometimes on Mondays she has a free second or two! And I was right, after she cleans up for her husband's class, she's coming over. Then I took a shower and felt so much better getting out of those chemo pajamas and tossing them in the laundry, that I thought I'd write you too.

It helps me to know you are there and you care and I'm not alone. Thank you Joy for taking Aimee to school this morning. I'm so glad to have people I can count on when I'm not feeling up to stuff. I know I haven't been real great at asking for help, but I am learning. Thankfully, it's been a warm rain and I have no reason to go outside today.

Thanks for being there!

Chemo Went Smoothly

I didn't have any reaction to chemo today. My oncologist lowered the normal dose by 25%. He says fatigue is the only reaction & possible neuropathy in the fingers and toes. No nausea. My white counts were lower than last week: 3.2 vs 3.9. (4 is normal). My neutraphils went down: 1.8 this week vs 2.9 last week. (2 is within normal range and .9 is good but if they go down to .5, I'm in danger) But my red blood cells and platelets were up, though the RBCs were lower than normal range.

I ran out of one of the immune building Chinese formulas so I was off of it from last week until this week. So I guess now I know that I really need to continue taking that! I took a different formula in the meantime but it probably wasn't covering me fully.

My doctor wants to see how my immune system does on this new chemo and then if I do ok, we'll probably do 3 more sessions every 3 weeks. If I don't do well, he mentioned the possibility of doing "dense dose" which is a lower amount every other week but ends up being a higher dose overall. Just to get this over with and not damage my immune system. I still want to ask him if we can just do the dense dose anyway and get it over sooner! I'll ask tomorrow when I go in for my neulasta shot.

We saw the radiation oncologist today. We liked her very much and she was recommended by all my other doctors. She confirmed my desire to get mastectomies on both sides to lower my chances of recurrence and no reconstruction to lower my chance of not being able to feel a recurrence, plus to lower my need for more surgeries! Survival rates remain the same between lumpectomies and mastectomies. I just don't want to go through this again more than I will mourn the loss of my body parts. But I will have to go through some grieving over the loss for sure.

This Dr. also lowered our expectations for being done with all my treatment by our Hawaii trip, August 5th. She said if there are no complications, then we can make it. If there are complications (example: extra surgery recovery time due to infections, etc., or not being able to get all my chemos on schedule.) Plus she recommended changing Aimee's Bat Mitzvah date from July 26th to sometime in the Fall.

One very positive thing she did say was that after an extensive palpating exam of my breasts, she couldn't feel any tumor! I will bring that up to my oncologist too because maybe I don't have to go through all this chemo?

Anyway, I hope I feel fine next weekend because I want my parents to come visit. They will bring my niece Rachel too (my sister's daughter). Rachel gave me the ok to miss her softball games because, "family's important!"

Here's a quote to end this update,
"Whenever someone has found the courage to live more deeply, more courageously than before, no matter how short a time it may be, they hold open that door for anyone who tries to follow." Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. in her book: My Grandfather's Blessings.

Have a good rest of the week and weekend.

Yay! It's Only 2 Hours!

Just got back from the port draw and discovered that tomorrow's drip is only 1 1/2 to 2 hours. The chemo nurse looked up on my chart which "T" I'm getting. The first chemo I had was Taxol - which is a 4 hour drip. This time I'm getting Taxatere instead which drips in half the time!

The nurse told me it doesn't cause nausea but I should bring frozen peas to put on my finger nails and toe nails. It can cause darkened nails and mouth sores. So I got bags of frozen corn and a box of frozen organic strawberries to suck on during my drip.

No need for tons of visitors! I can easily read through this one!

4 Hour Chemo Tomorrow Morning

Remember the old "is the glass half full or half empty"? Well, I'm half-way done with my chemo! I'm also a 1/4 of the way done with my entire treatment! Yay! No more A & C chemo, I'm on to the T tomorrow.

Actually I am nervous. I woke up a couple of days ago with the muscles on the left side of my jaw feeling tight when opening my mouth. Think my teeth were clenched through the night? I think I'm just nervous because I haven't had this chemo since the first time I had chemo and had been given all 3 of them (A,C, & T) and ended up in the hospital.

With the T, you have to take Decadron twice a day on the day before, the day of and the day after. It's an anti-allergy type of medicine... I'll start that this morning with breakfast. Actually, I've heard that the T is easier than the A & C. And the A & C have been very easy!

In Santa Cruz they have this place called "WomanCare" where they offer lots of free stuff for cancer patients. One of the things I requested is something they call, "Sister to Sister". It's where they match you up with someone who went through the same thing you are going through now and they are available to you on a weekly basis. I had my first talk with my match a few days ago.

She had her second recurrence when she had kids the same age as mine are now. That was 10 years ago. I told her about my hospitalization and she told me she couldn't even do the A & C due to constant throwing up. She also couldn't take the decadron for the T. I told her about my guilt and she told me that she had a stage 1 when her kids were in Kindergarten and 3rd grade and then a stage 3 seven years later. And a mastectomy after being very diligent with her mammograms. She said it's very common and told me to just tell people when they ask how you found out, "I felt a lump and got a mammogram."

Well, I'll have to think about that. Maybe I'll use that line when I really don't want to go into it with a particular person. Anyway, it was so nice talking to her.

My cousin Joanie also told me about a national group that matches you up with a support person who went through what you are going through: Breast Cancer Network of Strength. They match you with a volunteer who has survived the exact same cancer you have and they are a wealth of information about everything while giving emotional support. Their number is 1-800-221-2141

So I already have one person who said she might be able to visit me during that 4 hours tomorrow and I welcome anyone else. I should be there between 9:30am and 1:30pm. And if you can't make it this time, I have 2 or 3 more times when I'll have to sit for this chemo. I'll go to lunch with Geoff afterward and then to visit the radiation oncologist for the first time. I had an appointment with her after my first chemo, but missed it because I was in the hospital.

This morning I get my port blood draw and then I go to see my acupuncturist. She's also teaching me QiGong which I am enjoying incorporating into my daily exercise. (My uncle sent me a study where people who exercise do better by 2/3rds.) I also want to stop at the herb room today to get some Eucalyptus and Tangerine essential oils. I got myself a diffuser with my dad's gift card to New Leaf at Bloom. Jason's coming down with another cold and everyone's got colds since we've had so much rain and the Eucalyptus in the diffuser works to kill the germs in the air and tangerine is for cheerfulness (supposedly).

And talking about rain, we had some hail yesterday and it was so exciting! Aimee was outside in the backyard with her umbrella and bare feet. Next she tried stepping on the hail with thick socks on. She loved it! And she took photos too. Then she went in the hot tub.

Jason's been wowing us with his basketball talent and getting his picture in the paper and doing 360 lay-ups. If it weren't for Jason (who's a freshman) his varsity team would be nothing. In fact that's why he never gets taken out of the game. He's lucky to be at a school where they have more brains than athletic ability so he can be a leader. (He hates this story now that he's older but I'll tell you anyway: when he was 3 years old, he came up to me holding a couple of balls and said, "Mommy, I love balls!") I'm pumping him with Chinese herbs, Aminovirox, and Elderberry extract so he can kick this cold out of his system.

One more thing - about Geoff - can't leave him out! He told me I was brave today and that he'd be curled up in bed crying. Valentine's Day was interesting for me this year because it was so easy writing a card to him. I have been feeling more gratitude for him than I have ever felt in our entire relationship. He read the card and thought I was faking it!

Well, I'm off to eat breakfast and take my decadron. I'll probably write again tomorrow once I'm back from chemo. One thing I'm really enjoying in this rain is the electric throw blanket I got at Bed, Bath and Beyond before chemo even started. Thanks for the suggestion, Doris. I'm also enjoying the microwavable heat pack that Glenna gave me that sits on my lap when I'm at the computer.

Immune Count is Up & Aromatherapy

Every week I go in to get my blood drawn out of my port by the chemo nurses at my oncologist office - to check my immune system. The port is located under my skin on my chest between my collarbone and my right breast. It feels like a raised disk and I can feel a thin tube running up to my collar bone that I guess connects this with my vein. It's a vulnerable feeling when I go to get this blood draw so I get the shot that numbs the skin before they push in the IV. I tried using a cream to numb the area because the numbing shot stings but then I thought that I could deal better with the sting than with the puncture of the IV. I was wrong. My answer to this dilemma was to ask the chemo nurses to inject the lidocaine at a very slow pace. No sting!!

My dad told me that he always needs more pain medication than normal people do when he's been in the hospital but he's also more sensitive to other kinds of medications and needs to take less of them. I guess I'm like him. Diladed (sp?) was the only thing that helped my pain in the hospital so maybe I'm more sensitive to needles and pain (and chemo) then most.

Anyway, because I have had immune problems, the doc wants to check my counts every week. Every Tuesday I go in for a blood draw. This Tuesday marked 2 weeks post-chemo and my white count was up to 3.9 - remember 4.0 is the lowest end of normal. So my immune system is definitely healing from that first blast that sent me into the hospital. Last chemo I was up to 3.3 the day before getting chemo again. This time I'm already above that one week earlier.

I can't believe how awful I felt after that first chemo and then after getting out of the hospital. I definitely believe now that I dodged a bullet with that experience. But I really didn't know until now that that was not how chemo was supposed to be.

Anyway, I think going to acupuncture regularly and sometimes 2 or 3 times a week has really helped me heal. The Chinese herbs I'm taking have probably helped my immune system more than anything and I regret that I wasn't on them regularly from the beginning. But I just couldn't get them down when I was struggling to just get water and food down.

You can imagine, now knowing me, how many supplements I was primed to take and I had them all laid out for me by the day and time to take them prior to my first chemo. When I got home from the hospital, weeks went by as I looked at those supplements and was too overwhelmed and nauseous and probably depressed and in shock to take anything... Thank goodness a nutritionist told me about Florastor and I was able to build probiotics in my system without having the antibiotics destroy them so the nausea went away.

I'm also now enjoying using aromatherapy as a complimentary medicine. I got some nice blends that my acuptuncturist uses, made by Elizabeth Van Buren: Immune, Digest, Headache, and Calming are all the blends I like. Then another friend who's a cancer survivor told me about making your own blend of all the cancer-fighting essential oils: Frankincense, Lavender, Geranium, Orange, and Lemon. I got myself a dropper bottle and filled it part-way with jojoba oil and then put 20 drops of each of these single essential oils into the dropper bottle. Everyday I use the dropper and drop 2 or 3 drops to rub into the areas of my body where I want to get rid of those cells. Whether it really works or not, I love the smells.

I am very effected by smells. This was difficult when I was nauseous all the time and it was excruciating when I couldn't eat what my family was eating. Recently, my sister-in-law Wendi came for a visit and brought me some freesias - one of my favorite smells. Yesterday Geoff cut one of our roses (we shouldn't even have them yet, but for the weather) and it's sitting on my desk right now. 16 years ago, when I had my own therapy office in Hermosa Beach, I had a diffuser going all the time. I made my own blend for that: 1/8th oz. of tangerine, 20 drops of eucalyptus, 20 drops of cypress and 20 drops of geranium. I got rid of that diffuser when we moved and need to get another one! I love scented candles too. But strong perfumes are sometimes too harsh for me.

Anyway, life goes on and I'm enjoying the change in weather - finally getting some rain - though I don't like the cold. I've been going through receipts and tallying them for taxes tomorrow (we're meeting with the accountant). This was something that I was dreading having to do months ago when I felt so sick. Instead I felt great this week. I was even happy to see I actually made a little money last quarter of last year! Next week on Wednesday is the new/old T chemo which is a 4 hour drip. I'll check back in again before that.

Admitting Being Human

My updates from last week weren't very easy for me to write and post. It was an emotionally draining experience writing about emotionally loaded experiences. But I had to get it out and admit where I've been and how I ended up here. It was time to do it.

When I went to the Jewish women's program on Sunday, it was another chance for me to be seen hairless and human. It's not easy to go out in public and I am amazed that my clients are able to just focus on themselves and not get distracted by my appearance. Though I wear hats, I do look like a cancer patient.

So getting it out last week in writing was really an important step for me. It allowed me to confront that side that feels ashamed about being where I am. Then when I walked into the program on Sunday, I was immediately confronted by a very old friend who's kind of harsh who I really didn't want to have to tell how I ended up here.

Anyway, people do ask and I'm sure everyone wonders when they see me, what the story is. We all want to know: How did you find out? Did you feel something? Did the mammogram not catch something? And mostly, people just want to know the story so they can prevent it from happening to them.

It's just that it's been so darn hard telling people the story because I always want to say, "Well, this happened because I screwed up." So I told this old friend, "I thought what I was feeling wasn't what it was and then I should have gotten a mammogram earlier than I did." And after the look on her face, I went to find someone else to talk to!

I guess it will eventually get easier to tell people my story. Luckily I heard that the T allows some of your hair to grow back. That's great because even my eyelashes are nearly gone...

Next week is the T chemo on Wednesday. This week is the week of not feeling like I even had chemo a couple weeks ago. Just tired and weak, but that's normal for me! One of my friends tells me how great I'll feel after this cancer is gone from my body. I'm looking forward to it and the end is in sight.

Hope your week is going well too.

The Surgeon Weighs In

I had another easy chemo with only one day of pain and am planning to see my clients on Thursday and Sunday of this week. I think it's the neulasta shot that brings on the incredible pain all over my upper body around my lymph nodes. It's a shot everyone gets the day after chemo that is supposed to increase your white cells by pulling them out of your bone marrow. Everyone told me about bone aches with this shot, but I experience pain in the base of my head, my throat lymph nodes and my upper arms. So again, I am unusual where it comes to immune stuff.

We went to check in with my surgeon today. I always enjoy seeing him. He's very calming and seems like he knows what he's talking about from all his experience for so many years. His office is really not much. Makes me wonder if he doesn't need to make it fancy due to his reputation in this town.

Anyway, my biggest question to him today was: is it better for me to get this surgery now and get rid of the potential for these cells to travel elsewhere and then finish up with the chemo after the surgery to clean my body out? He told me it doesn't work that way. It's better to continue on with the fight, rather than take time off for surgery and let those wayward cells multiply. That perspective really helped.

It also helped when while he was checking me, in astonishment, he called over Geoff. I wasn't sure if he was going to have Geoff check me too or what! Instead, he just showed him how small he thinks the center of the tumor is right now compared to how it was when I first came in. He said the word, "2 centimeters", which would make it less than half it's original size. What had been tripping me up in my own checks was that there's so much scar tissue. He knows the difference between what scar tissue feels like and tumor feels like.

The other thing he settled more in my mind was the option of having a lumpectomy vs. a mastectomy. Even tho the lumpectomy sounds so much better, I have more chance of recurrence in that side due to it's size. Knowing my history, I'm not one to have to deal with continually checking and wondering. So I'm more settled to having double mastectomies. Though the right side could be saved, it too had a nodule and I don't want to have to worry about recurrence - at least the lymph on that side don't need to come out. The lymph on my left side do need to come out since the sentinel node was positive...which is worrisome but gives me more of a chance of not having recurrence.

So I'm getting ready to tell my entire mammogram story from when I got my first one at age 37 to what the heck I was thinking that led me to not getting anymore until age 49. Stay tuned for the next update sometime this week...