I Love My New Office(s)

Enclosing the balcony off of our master bedroom was my present to myself for getting through this year of breast cancer treatment. My first full day in my new office was wonderful! I love the views. When I looked at the dates of my first full day and when I moved in, I realized it was the end and beginning of a new month on the Jewish calendar. I also did some numerology with the other calendar dates & realized I moved in on a Hanged Man day (#12 in the Tarot Major Arcana) and I had my first full day sitting at my desk on a Death card day (#13).

Remember when I went into the hospital? In my stupor, wondering if I was going to make it out of there alive, I kept doing numerology with the room numbers. The number of the room I was in during my pain filled beginning there was the Hanged Man. It made me wonder where I was hung up and stuck repeating an old pattern and trying to get different results.

So of course I thought about the scam again. I'm still working through why that happened. What's really weird is I discovered that the scam happened the very same time on the Jewish calendar as when I fell into the hospital last year after my first chemo. Yeah, it's the yahrtzeit (1st anniversary) of the murders in Mumbai this week, which happened right after I got out of the hospital.

So the pattern I had discovered and conquered in the hospital had to do with giving my power away to authority figures. The pattern I discovered from the scam had to do with my fear around spending money on myself (on the new office) - and seeing Geoff as an authority figure that I had to please if I was going to spend all that money.

I was in a trance when I first gave my neighbor the go ahead to spend money on building the office. All I could think of after that was making Geoff feel ok about our money situation. (And making myself feel ok about spending all that money on myself.) I was in such a trance that I didn't even check out the letter or the check I'd been sent regarding the mystery shopper job. All I was doing was telling myself and Geoff - don't worry! - we've got the money! I've got a new job! We're going to be fine! (If I'd asked him to look at the letter, or asked my bank to do the same, we really would have been fine...)

So instead of $5K for a new office, I got a $9K new office (when you include the $4K loss from the scam) - which is still less than the $10K I was quoted many years ago by a company that specialized in making sun rooms. Doug, my neighbor/contractor was such a great support to me, helping me find windows at such a low price, you'd never believe it. Plus he actually gave me lots of stuff for free that he had sitting around his yard. I am really grateful to Doug for not only helping me clarify what I wanted so I could make inexpensive decisions that actualized my vision, but for giving me the emotional support I needed as well. He is very sweet.

If any of you want to do construction on your home or office, keep him in mind: Doug McCloskey 831-247-2687 - you won't regret it.

I went to the oncologist today. I've got a PET scan coming up. He told me it wouldn't show anything smaller than 1cm. When I asked him if CT scans showed less, he told me that they don't show lymph nodes which are 1cm. I asked him if he's concerned about the lymph nodes and he told me he was concerned about checking to see whether I have anything in my lungs, bones and organs.

So that's where I'm at. And I think it's good for me to be reminded of all of this. My life is precious and could be very short. Spending money on myself and getting a beautiful office just for me is worth every penny - even with the overage based in a scam. I want to make the most out of every day.

I'm also now working out of my friend's office which is another beautiful place that also gives me views of my favorite thing in nature: trees. She offered me this place for free through the end of the year all the way back in August. I wasn't able to take her up on her offer due to my own silly pattern of needing to take care of others while putting myself last. I was worried my clients wouldn't want to travel to the new officel. It took the scam and the need to save money to motivate me to take care of myself and I just love the office and feel so at home there. Both my new offices let me look at trees while I work.

So what's the Death card have to do with my first day in this new home office? Well, remember that the year I was diagnosed was my Death card year? The card symbolizes death & rebirth. Need I say more?

New Moon - Elul - CT Scan

I got a CT scan this morning and it showed no metastatic canSer. Just a cyst on one of my kidneys that my dad says means nothing. Still I will see my oncologist tomorrow anyway to ask about it.

The tamoxifen may not be side-effecting me - or not just yet. I am waking up a lot during my sleep lately, but that could just be normal for me. Or due to anxiety over the scan.

I've been listening to a lot of audios on chabad.org about the coming holidays. There are 60 days that start with tonight's full moon - the Jewish months of Elul and Tishrei - that are full of holidays. First Rosh HaShana, then Yom Kippur, then Sukkot, and finally, Simchas Torah.

Of course I'm focusing on the first two holidays in my studies because it's the anniversary of my diagnosis. Geoff calls it my "canServersary". He says it was October 7th last year but I'm just focusing on the Jewish calendar myself, and Rosh haShana starts the night of Sept. 18th this year.

He pointed out that Jason was born on April 7th, Aimee on August 7th and my canServersary is October 7th. (maybe that's when I was reborn) But he forgets that my brother's birthday is Dec. 7th and my dad's is Sept. 7th.

Anyway, Ani Lidodi V'dodi Li is how you say in Hebrew, "I am for my Beloved and my Beloved is for me". That's a line from a part of Torah called, Shir haShirim or "Song of Songs" written by King Solomon. And the first letter of each of those words spells out the word for the Jewish month that starts tonight - Elul.

This line from Song of Songs represents the tone we start with for the month of Elul when we have both holidays that commemorate the birthday of the world or the creation of man (Rosh haShana) and the day of forgiveness (Yom Kippur). The week between the two holidays is the 10 days of Tshuva - which can be translated as "repentence" or "turning" and is related to the word for "rest" or "sitting" which is its root. Last year I got my diagnosis during the week of Tshuva.

This month, we look over the past year and see how well we did on our mission here and what we need to improve on, spiritually, for the coming year. Rosh ha Shana literally means "Head of the Year". But it's not the first month of the Jewish calendar. It's the 7th. The first month is Nissan - when we were taken out of Egypt.

According to one of the audios I listened to by Moshe New, we look at our relationship with G-d like we do any marriage/passionate relationship. The month on Nissan was like the honeymoon period of any relationship - everything is wonderful and miraculous. The reed sea is parted and we get fed manna. Now, though, is the time later in the marriage - like in any marriage - where you've looked at the golden calf and it looks so much better than what you are married to. And on the brink of divorce, your house is destroyed (Tisha b'Av) and the Temple is no more, and since there is no divorce in our relationship with G-d, you can do one of two things: either leave your house in shambles or rededicate yourself to the marriage.

So after Tisha B'Av comes the new year and you get to recommit to the original plan. Know that this marriage was meant to be and focus on the positive things that you really love and look past all the bad stuff. It's now up to you. Miracles are not going to get you to a good marriage. Your hard work and dedication even when the going gets rough is what brings a good marriage - it deepens the marriage and now it's no longer based on ephemeral things but is more solid. Developing faith & hope during the hard times gets you through.

That's where the concept of "turning" comes in. We aren't being punished for misdeeds - only reaping consequences of our actions. There is always forgiveness. The King knows how He set up this world. We are bound to win some, lose some. No matter how often we fail, there's always forgiveness because there's always the possibility to "turn" and return to our true selves and our true mission. It's a "turning", not a punishment. It's a returning and a resting or sitting because when we are back to ourselves, there is no more struggle. Everything flows when you are coming from your strength (your soul) and your strength lies in what you do well and what comes easy to you - what you are good at is what your purpose is in this life. (Moshe New didn't say that - I'm extending on what I heard due to what I've experienced this year.) And what your purpose is is what the King gave you this life for - you take part in the King's purpose for this world.

I really feel like that's what this year has been for me - a returning to myself, an embracing of myself, a remembering of what my purpose is. And I don't always succeed at that return, but it keeps me going when I "miss the mark" (which is the translation for the word, "sin" in Hebrew). No matter how far we've strayed from our true self (from our soul), there is no way to leave it behind, it is a part of us and waiting for us to come back to it.

So in Elul, the rebbe says that the "King is in the field" - down here with the field-workers. Checking out the work we have to do, shaking hands, listening to our challenges, hearing our requests. On Rosh HaShana we have the (re)coronation of our King. And we have an entire month of Elul to do the repair work necessary to reconnect to being the King's servant.

Another interesting thing I learned from one of these audios, the one from Ruvi New, is that two very important people in Jewish history were born on the 18th of Elul. And remember that 18 is the number for the word that means "Life". So to help us understand what Elul means - let's look at who was born on the "life of Elul":
The Baal Shem Tov and the Alter Rebbe who was the founder of Chabad.

The Baal Shem Tov was the person who started Hasidism. He was all about making Judaism joyful and personal. Before him, there was little mention of the soul in Jewish learning. So he also brought the mystical Kabbalah down to the masses whereas before only the elite of the elite were able to study it. The Alter Rebbe was one of the students of the Maggid who was a disciple of the Baal Shem Tov. He was the one out of all of the students to be sent to Lithuania.

At the time, Lithuania would be the toughest place to bring new information to. It was a huge stronghold of Jewish learning with strong learning centers. According to Ruvi New, the learning in Lithuania was very intellectual and lacking in spirituality. People knew things intellectually rather than making them exciting and personal. Their religious practice was very dry and I think they are one of the reasons so many men threw their tefillin into the ocean once they arrrived in America. The Alter Rebbe was the most intellectual of all of the Hasidic students of the Maggid so he was able to reach these people at their level. He was a prolific writer and wrote a book called, The Tanya, that elucidated deep Kabbalistic teachings but made them accessible to even the lay person. He started Chabad of Lubuvitch and brought soul and spirit to the intellectuals of the time.

Now the last interesting thing and then I'll let you go: If Rosh haShana is the birthday of creation - in fact, the day that man was created, then can it be celebrated by non-Jews? Well, there are some non-Jews, called the Noahides or the "B'nai Noach" which means the "children of Noah", who have asked if it's ok for them to celebrate Rosh HaShana. According to Moshe New, they should be able to celebrate it. Who are these Noahides? They are a group of mostly Christian people who, dissatisfied with their own religion looked to Torah to discover what it says about how to become a "righteous gentile".

Did you think the Torah was only written for Jews? No. Adam was given 6 commandments and then Noah was given the 7th. All of mankind descends from Noah. Google it: Google "7 noahide laws". There is such a group called the children of Noah and there are 7 commandments for all mankind.

Here's a link to a good article on Elul http://meaningfullife.com/oped/2009/08.20.09$ShoftimCOLON_Elul_and_the_Economy.php

And if you want links to the audios I listened to, email me.

I hope you enjoyed all of this as much as I did. Now you know what I'm doing with my new iPod when I'm driving around town! I will be continuing to write about how I see all of this relating to me as we go through these holidays. I just love this stuff!!!!

CT Scan - Negative

My oncologist just called me (Sunday night at 9:15pm) to let me know that my CT scan came back negative for any metastatic cancer. So that's a relief. It was very nice of him to call so late on a Sunday.

I'm feeling so tired right now - it's probably too late to be writing this but I wanted to give you the results as soon as I got them.

I worked today and could tell I wasn't quite totally at the top of my game. I probably went back to work too soon but thought it would be good for me to get myself dressed and out. Anyway I'm skipping next Sunday since my family's visiting.

I fretted about what clothes to wear and whether to wear the wig or go hatless. The wig won and I also put a gorgeous blue scarf around my neck with each end hanging down, covering both sides of my chest. Aimee told me it looked like a tallis. But it's really a pretty blue scarf with butterflies on it. Sharol gave it to me.

I also wore a silk, cream-colored button-down blouse that I once got when I worked for Glenna selling stuff on e-Bay. Julie and I split a lot of silk blouses one day. Remember those Glenna? Anyway, Stefanie told me that button down blouses with pockets are one of the secret fashions of small-breasted women. So I'm getting into them - especially since it's tough pulling anything over my head with my sore arms.

I stretch my arms every day. It's amazing how your muscles and tendons just tighten up after surgery. It's like your body starts pulling in to protect itself.

I'm going to the surgeon again tomorrow to get the rest of the tape off. Then on Thursday it's on to the radiation oncologist for a "mapping". If I'm all healed up by the following Thursday, I'll start the radiation. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be done with all this. I'll never be able to celebrate. I'm going to have to have CT scans every 2 months for the next 2 years. Finishing chemo and surgery were only the beginning of a lifetime of having to deal with this disease in some way or another.

But having a clear scan today is good news and makes me feel that the end could really be in sight...if I keep getting good scans. Maybe I did catch this thing right in the nick of time. Maybe I didn't totally and royally screw up after all. Maybe I really will live to the age of 74 and see Aimee get her first mammogram.

Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes

Bob gave me a cd with Bobby Sherman singing that old song - "Love grows where my Rosemary goes and nobody knows like me.." Tickles my memories.

So Geoff's dad's home now and things are starting to settle down a bit on that front. Maybe not for his mom, but Geoff seems less stressed. I just really don't want to get nervous about it right now, so I don't ask anything but am open to listening.

Today we went to see my oncologist. He recommended I get a CT scan & bone scan before I start radiation - just to put that question to rest. He said that the radiation will "absolutely" destroy whatever's left in my lymph nodes. But if anything shows up on the CT scan, I may be looking at discussing some more chemo. So I got an appointment tomorrow to get the scan.

I remember the first one I got - seems so long ago now - back in October or early November before the first chemo. I was so nervous. Then after landing in the hospital, I had so many more scans that now that I'm facing one tomorrow, it's like no big deal. Geoff just went out to pick up the yucky stuff I have to drink. So tomorrow's scan is at 3pm. I won't get the results until Monday next week. Bone scan is next Wednesday.

I'm still feeling a bit down and low energy and hoping that the Celexa starts to pick me up soon. Maybe after I hear some good results on the CT scan I'll feel better. Or after I finally get out and see my clients again on Sunday.

My 50th birthday is the 25th and before I was diagnosed, Geoff was talking to me about having a party like we had for him when he turned 50. At the time, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that. Now I'm still not sure. Am I ready to celebrate the end of chemo and surgery? Maybe I'll feel differently after I get the CT results.

My parents have been wanting to come up to visit and so I told them they could be here for that birthday weekend. They will bring my sister and her daughter with them. If I don't feel up to having a birthday/end of chemo & surgery celebration, well then at least I'll be going out for meals with my parents that weekend.

If I do have a celebration, it will be very low-key and held at our home, like Geoff's was. An open house type deal but I won't cook anything this time - Costco will do the cooking for me. Simple things like chips and dips, fruits and maybe quiches or some other simple to serve eatables. It would be nice to be able to see those of you who have been with me on these carepages all this time. I know some people will be out of town for the Memorial Day weekend, but there are lots of you who live in S. Cruz who I haven't seen since I started all this, but I have felt your support all along. If I do have a party, it will be to give you a hug and if I don't have a party, I know you'll understand why.

Anyway, I'll let you know how my scan went by Monday or Tuesday next week. Hopefully the results will be good and we can all heave a sigh of relief. If not, well, I have two good friends who've lived with metastasis for over 10 years and I will just have to model myself after them. Not to copy Geoff's blog, but I've got to quote another song to end this update: "Look out, here comes tomorrow..." all you Davy Jones valentines.