I Need Serotonin

"Tishrei 24, 5770 · October 12, 2009
All Teachers

By Tzvi Freeman

In our times, it is crucial that every Jew who knows anything must be a teacher to others. Those who can teach children must teach children. Those who can only teach adults must teach adults.

Those who know alef-bet, must teach alef-bet. Those who know only alef, must teach alef. But all must teach."

By Tzvi Freeman
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here

Even though I really know such a very little bit about Judaism & Jewish Wisdom, I always remember this saying from the Rebbe and have taken it to heart - all who know alef must teach alef. So I share the bit that I know.

But even more enjoyable for me is to share my own experience and my own challenges and my hard-earned knowledge that comes from stumbling through my life. Hitting bottom and facing my own death this year was for me the greatest catapult ever. And that's another thing that I've heard from Kabbalah, that HaShem is found in the lowest of all worlds and the lowest parts of the lowest of all worlds. The lower you go, the stronger is the spark and the higher you can reach. In the same way, the Baal Tshuva is stronger than the Tzaddik.

I hit a very low point again this past week. It crept up on me a bit at a time. Once I recognized it as depression, I was able to not let it take me down too far. It all started last week when I was trying to get the word out about the workshop. First, I noticed not wanting to exercise. Then I noticed I didn't want to wear my camisole with the fake boobs. Then I found myself in bed one morning, not wanting to get out of bed.

That morning, Geoff told me it was October 7th, his marking of my canServersary with the "regular" (goishe?) calendar. Of course, I'd already had my canServersary between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, so I had forgotten about the other date. At first I thought, well maybe I'm feeling like not getting out of bed because subconsciously I know that this is the anniversary of my diagnosis.

But the next day, I found myself getting really depressed about not getting any sign-ups for the class and thinking I should change careers. I also found myself feeling really depressed about the cold weather. And worrying about finances and thinking that my chest is forever going to be tight and the stretching that I do will not help and so I should just give up...

Yeah, I recognized it. The lowest of my lows looks like that. So that made me remember that I had just 2 weeks ago started (stupidly) cutting down on my Celexa. 2 weeks is usually the time it takes to see some change. I had gradually been cutting pills with a pill cutter, thinking that I really shouldn't be taking so much since normally I don't need the highest dose of any pill.

Truthfully, I need the highest dose of serotonin I can get. And when I was in the hospital with chemotherapy induced colitis, I needed the highest dose of the strongest pain medication. So just because I'm sensitive to other things doesn't mean I'm sensitive to everything.

Luckily, Saturday night was my favorite of all Jewish holidays: Simchas Torah. You know me - dancing is one of my things. And dancing this year was the best it's ever been. I was so depressed, I almost didn't go. And until we all started dancing, I was really down. But no one can stay depressed while they're dancing. As I was dancing, a thought passed through my mind, "I made it through this year!" It was the best way I could ever have imagined ending this horrendous year - dancing on Simchas Torah.

I'm so grateful to Bailly and Yochanon for all that they did this year and every Tishrei to host so many parties for an entire month. The last of all of these holidays, my favorite, is something I never knew about until I met them. And for the past 10 years, watching the men dancing with the Torah has been so much fun. We're supposed to be happy and celebrate after Yom Kippur, through Sukkos and all the other holidays all the way to the end, Simchas Torah. And where else can you see men dancing and singing together? Nowhere.

And where else can you dance with only women behind a mechitzah and feel totally free to cut it loose with no men watching? Nowhere.

I saw my friend Sharon there and told her I was depressed about the cold weather. She reminded me that on Shmini Atzeret - which is the holiday right before Simchas Torah - we say a long prayer for rain. After that, in the Amidah (silent prayer) we no longer say a prayer asking for the dew to descend and instead begin asking for rain to fall, 3 times a day until Pesach.

So tonight, I'm excited. The wind is blowing and hopefully we'll have a storm tomorrow. I'm beginning to embrace life again and not resist what is.

Leaving Egypt

UnApocalypse

By Tzvi Freeman

This world was not created for some apocalyptic finale; its magnificence was not formed to dissipate into ionized gas. Each thing was formed for the glory of its Maker who stands forever.

Only the darkness must wind itself to its end, and it must be robbed of the treasures it holds. For the most precious things of this world are held in darkness.
By Tzvi Freeman
From the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, of righteous memory; rendered by Tzvi Freeman.
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The last few days as I recover from this last round of Taxatere and Decadron, I find myself yet again awakening to just how insidious depression can be. Thankfully, I have been down this road before and have been prepared to expect it. So I catch myself when my mind starts turning that way and can say to myself, "Oh, wow, that's depression" - instead of letting it take me where it wants me to agree: "yeah, isn't my life awful".

So most times, before it gets to "poor me", I can let the depression fall away by not giving it anyone to listen to its sorry ways of thinking. This is crucial to my health and future because if I instead allow myself to sink into wherever the depressive thoughts want to take me, I end up with feelings of defeat, hopelessness and wanting to give up. And I don't want to be defeated. I want to live and I do feel more sure everyday since diagnosed that I will live for a long time, done with this chapter of my life.

So I have learned to catch my thoughts and watch how they go down that road and how easy it is to get lost in that and make it worse and worse. I feel so lucky that I can see depression for what it is and stay outside of it somewhat. The "treasure" of experiencing this "darkness" so many times during my treatment is that I have developed so much more compassion for people who can't get out of depression no matter what medication they try.

One of the things I've been doing to keep my mind on more positive things is to do some learning online with the Chabad audio-classes on Passover. Pesach is such an amazing, rich, symbolic, healing and enriching holiday. But you'd never know it unless you actually learn something about it's inner symbolism from the Hasidic perspective.

One thing that struck me as a new insight from my studies this week was the idea of freeing ourselves from those things that we think are so great but really end up enslaving us. Like Pharoah. He was like a god, had all the money, power, influence, and the food we needed when we were starving in the Holy Land. So we went there and ended up enslaved to him.

So I started wondering what I am enslaved to this year...what do I think will bring me what I want that isn't really going to and instead doesn't amount to anything substantial? What do I think is eternal but is only fleeting? I was able to name two of these things last night and noticed that my thinking they were substantial led me down the depression road. One was the birthday cake I really wanted to eat and the other was my bald head that I didn't want Jason's friends to have to be confronted by. Addiction to sugar and vanity are two things that enslave me every time.

A friend wrote me an email today congratulating me on Jason's birthday (he's 15 today) and thanking me for being there for her in the past. I was so grateful to have gotten that email because it was the answer I was looking for to another question. If addictions and money and fame and sugar and vanity and many other things enslave us and are not real, then what is real and eternal?

My son, Jason is not eternal. But the fact of his life and who he is and the impact he's made on the world is definitely eternal. I am so proud to be his mom and so proud to be Aimee's mom. How I raise my children and treat them and how I treat my own parents and friends...all that creates eternal treasures that are meaningful forever. My friend's thanking me for helping her was an eternally meaningful moment for me that did help me prepare myself for going out of Egypt this Passover.

If any of you want to explore those audios, go to http://www.chabadbythesea.com/holidays/passover/pesach_cdo/aid/257152/jewish/Passover-Audio-Classes.htm
There are "tidbits" a couple of minutes long and "insights" that are an hour or so. My recommendation for a tidbit: "Going Out of Egypt Daily" by Moshe New - it's only a couple of minutes long: http://www.chabadbythesea.com/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/368439/jewish/Leaving-Egypt-Daily.htm And if you want a longer one, "Passover Night and Kabbalah" by Shlomo Yaffe - this was so excellent!!! http://www.chabadbythesea.com/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/486417/jewish/Passover-Night-and-Kabbalah.htm Play the audio and then play solitaire.

I hope you have a kosher Pesach and enjoy your seder and find your own way out of Egypt this year and every day of your life. I can't wait to taste my first matzo!!!

Depression Sucks

Last night I began to recognize that my mental state was traveling in a southerly direction. It had been heading that way without my knowing it for the past few days...probably since late Tuesday. When I listened to my visualization CD last night, I was awake during the affirmation part and heard her say,

"I know there are times when I become worried, fearful, despairing, sad or angry and I acknowledge and accept what I feel as my inner truth of the moment. I know that the more that I can acknowledge and accept what I truly feel, without criticism or blame, the more I assist my body's natural tendency to be well. More and more, I can soften and release unwanted emotions once they are acknowledged..." (From Guided Imagery Chemotherapy by Belleruth Naparstek)

That's when it hit me that I might be depressed. I was not wanting to acknowledge and accept my feelings because I was ashamed of being so negative. And truly, when I am happy, I get lots of praise in this carepages and in the outside world. And I get unwanted advice when I share the negativity... Being depressed makes me not only feel awful and think negatively, but believe I am a bad person and a failure and everyone else thinks badly about me too.

Being a therapist doesn't make it any easier to understand what a "chemical imbalance" means. Maybe if I was an MD, I'd understand how the chemicals in the brain work and then maybe the idea of depression could be less demeaning since it's not my fault that my brain chemicals are so off. Going through this chemo though brings home the concept of chemicals causing depression. I keep getting reminded of the decadron.

This time wasn't as bad as last time in that after the last chemo/decadron chemical imbalance, I was truly wacko. I could see how irrational my thoughts were and I was literally crying a few times about somewhat bizarre issues. This time, with less decadron, it was more subtle, so it caught me by surprise. But when it was a gorgeous day, and I wasn't able to notice it and wasn't able to make a simple decision like where to go out for breakfast next week with friends and found myself thinking how awful it will be to go through another round of chemo and then to have to have surgery and then noticing I was picking on Geoff in my mind for the littlest thing, and worrying about Aimee having the flu and possibly breast cancer one day and migraines now, and looking at myself in the mirror and only seeing no eyebrows, no eyelashes and...and...and...I knew for sure what was going on.

So I decided to make an appointment with the Katz Center to try on wigs. It was the best thing I could think of to do for myself: Personalized attention that I didn't get when I was too rushed last time. The nurse asked me how I was doing...and I told her...and she reminded me of the decadron. And told me that next chemo, I can prepare myself by scheduling to do something those days that will help me. So I felt proud of myself to have figured that out today. And I came away with another blond wig but a younger style cut that's really cute. (I guess without eyebrows, and such pale skin, blond is the only color that's going to work right now.)

I also went out to Trader Joes with my dad's gift card before Katz. There's no better healing remedy like browsing through a store feeling like you can buy whatever you want. I got macadamia nuts, frozen vegetable samosas, eggplant humous dip, unsweetened Belgian chocolate, frozen broccoli quiches, and a chicken salad that I doctored up and fed to Aimee in a sandwich when I got home. (She's feeling better BTW and her fever is gone.) I also bumped into Doris in the frozen food aisle which was great because I have missed her. She's been busy taking care of her mom.

So I'm sitting here in my new, blond wig, listening to the birds again and loving the warm weather, happy to have recognized a downward spiral and feeling better for having done what I needed to do to help myself through it. I know this was totally chemically induced but of course, even if it wasn't, it's understandable for a cancer patient to feel depressed every once in a while, if not all the freaking time! I am feeling like myself again (T.G.) but know that if those thoughts creep back in, I can always hit Trader Joe's again or the woods or something else. Hey! next time I'll schedule one of those free massages! (I have one scheduled for Saturday...)

Maybe Only One More Chemo!!

Sorry I'm writing so much but it's got to be the decadron. Even though I took a half of a Valium last night, I woke up at 2am with a racing brain and couldn't get back to sleep no matter what I did until 5:30, only to wake up again at 7 to get ready to go to chemo at 9. So I'm weary, but still wanting to write. That was the one thing that I found when I took Zoloft after a miscarriage 20 years ago - my desire to write came back! That maybe also what happened to me with this carepages since I started taking Celexa right before being diagnosed and then upped it once I landed in the hospital... So for those of you who struggle in life or have to go through cancer treatment, just remember my example...it may not be that I am such a fabulous person that can be so up during such a trying time. It could be that I made the right decision to lessen my struggle through the use of mood-supporting chemicals. Getting the support we need is nothing to feel ashamed of.

I told my oncologist about the depression that came on and lasted for around a week and a half the last time I did this chemo and he said it's quite common. And that it's probably from the decadron! That makes lots of sense because it takes you way up and then you stop it suddenly after 3 days.

I asked if I could taper off more slowly this time - if that would help. He told me to cut it in half and only take 4mg twice a day instead of 8mg twice a day. I will also cut it in half again on the 4th day just to taper myself off slower.

Best thing he told me today was in response to my fretting to him about getting done with all my treatment in order get to Hawaii by August 5th. First he said that there are usually no complications with surgery to prevent you from going to radiation on time. The only complication he's seen is from mastitis after a partial mastectomy so that won't be me since I won't have breast tissue left. And then what he told me next was magic to my ears! He said that originally he was thinking he would just have me do 3 rounds of the Taxatere anyway since I had one round of the Taxol already in the blaat that sent me to the hospital. So it's possible that he would still think that's ok, considering how great the response has been. And what all that means is that next time would be my LAST ROUND OF CHEMO!!!

I talked with my sister in support from WomenCare last night and she so understood how I felt without the wig. She also felt like she had a level of privacy taken away from her whenever she walked around with a scarf or hat or bald. It's like you no longer have the choice about revealing something that you would normally want to have a choice about. That's exactly how I felt. I could reveal it if I wanted to and not if I didn't.

She also said that she made a bargain with herself to give herself a present once her chemo was over. That kept her going (and she had it much rougher than I did).
So she kept reminding herself when it was hard that she was going to give herself a new set of skis once chemo was over.

So that put a bug in my brain... What would I want to give myself? Of course there's the Hawaii trip but I really feel like that's more for the rest of the family than for me. I should think of something just for me. My thoughts are to wait until after the whole shabang of treatment is over or to at least wait until surgery is over. Some thoughts I have: 1. finally enclosing that huge balcony you see behind me in my long, dark hair photo of myself, sitting at my desk with my laptop. I want to turn that balcony into an office and not have to be sitting at my desk next to the radiating TV and cluttering up my bedroom and so I can have a bookcase and maybe even a bed so people can stay in Geoff's office when they come visit and if I can't sleep, I can go into that bed right off our bedroom instead of down the hall. I also have a stationary bicycle out there that I never ride but might if the place was my retreat and enclosed. It gets cold out there so I'm thinking of extending the heating vent to reach there - shouldn't be too hard - plus my dear friend Doug next door is a contractor and has lots of windows in stock and a huge glass door he was going to take out to the dump and instead I had him put it in my garage. So obviously I've been thinking about this forever but have a hard time moving forward with anything without Geoff's support - something I have GOT to get over since he drags his feet on so many things that have to do with money expenditure but I've now got my very OWN money - harrah! 2. go on a retreat with a friend to a spa type place that also includes psychological or spiritual/Jewish classes. 3. rip out all the carpeting upstairs and replace it with wood. 4. drive myself to Henry Cowell every day (this I could do in any case). 5. Have a party with all my friends - I turn 50 May 25th - possibly after the surgery (this I could do in any case). 6. go away with all of my friends or with just my parents and Jason, Aimee, and Geoff to Carmel or somewhere.

If you have any other suggestions of things that would seem like a great gift idea to myself for the end of chemo and surgery, send them my way!