I believe those tears were chemo and cancer related since of course, our "last meal together" touched me very deeply in a way that wouldn't have if I wasn't a cancer patient.
Paul, Geoff's brother came down from Marin on Saturday and we got their mom, Lee, to join us at the Shadowbrook. It was just lovely and the food was perfect, as usual. It didn't seem like there was a recession because there were so many people out, but Shadowbrook is one of those special occasion restaurants. Jason once told me (when he was very young) that when he got older, he was going take his date to the Shadowbrook.
I wore my fanciest black and gold headwrap and beautiful topaz colored earrings my friend Liz got me...so I felt somewhat normal. But some women seemed to look at me longer than others and I wondered if they were survivors. I bet I'll be like that too one day...wishing I could go up to a person who looks like she's going through chemo and give her a big hug, letting her know I've been through it.
I spoke to my WomenCare "sister" last night over the phone. I told her about my tears when I missed breakfast and she completely understood. She said she always hated it when people would say to her - "you've got to think positive while you are going through this". She said she was literally "on drugs" for 6 months while going through chemo and if that doesn't effect your mind, what will? Plus this is a disease that does bring you face to face with mortality. She said if we could heal cancer with positive thoughts, we would all be sent to comedy shows rather than chemo drips.
I agree with her. It's important to feel the feelings that this disease brings up and to thoroughly explore your own mortality on a personal and spiritual level. It's not often that you are given that opportunity in life. And I do see it as an opportunity. I surely wouldn't explore it on my own without having it shoved in my face like this.
The best part of that exploration is the pure joy and love and positive thoughts that also flood you. This life is made of both "good" and "bad" experiences and the "bad" sometimes makes what's "good" more evident and more precious. And of course whenever I think I could lose something, it makes it all the more appealing - like chocolate!
Which reminds me, I need to go eat some of that sugar-free chocolate I made!