Truth Feels Good

Things have been going well. I went from wanting to stay in bed all day watching TV to feeling like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. It's so nice feeling happy again.

And still, thoughts creep in every now and then. When I was depressed, I didn't want to live. Now that I'm happy, I'm afraid I might get a recurrence and die. Of course, I don't think that thought a lot but sometimes it creeps in. Funny how I didn't care if I lived or died and now that I'm enjoying life, I'm afraid of dying.

But I don't want you all to worry about me. It's just nice to voice these thoughts that float through my head from time to time.

I have never been afraid that I might die. I've lived my life like I would always be alive, forever. Truthfully none of us knows when our time is up. Could be hit by a bus tomorrow. So even though I've been diagnosed with cancer, it doesn't necessarily mean I will die from it. And so we just go on with our lives as if we are totally in control of being alive. How could we dwell on the fear? Some terrorist could drop a bomb on us tomorrow. Can't live your life worrying about that.

I do like exploring my pain though and putting words to my painful experiences, fears and anger. It helps me to feel myself all the way through. I used to find a lot of solace in writing poems about my pain. I was able to turn my pain into poetry - into something beautiful.

So I tried writing a poem today and thought I'd share it with you.

Tears

A tear drop falls down my face
It's a constant reminder my body
isn't the body it once was
My right eye drips every day now
And I dream about screaming
as I touch my chest

Work - a way to feel like I'm still
Whole
To push past what happened
To move on without looking back
To run away and believe it was just
a bad dream that I can leave behind me

But now I'm awake.
And a tear falls down my face
All day long.
Wakes me up from my sleep -
This Is Me Now
My body has changed
My right eye now sheds constant tears

And it's sad -
I'm afraid of losing my life!
The bad dream filters through my
Awakening:
You are mortal, life can be sad
You deserve to cry
You can shed tears for your own pain
And all the pain.
The shtels are gone
and so is your innocence.

I cried when I got to the line: "I'm afraid of losing my life." It felt so good to cry. I feel so much compassion for myself. And love. The pain is beautiful. And it brings me back to myself. And I'm not in pain all the time. But I can touch on it and feel able to rest there. Then I go back to my Life. L'Chaim!