Breast Surgery Anniversary

As you already know, I love to learn from the Jewish holidays as they relate to the flow of my life. Right now we're in the Omer Counting days between Pesach and Shavous where the custom/tradition is to act as if we're in a period of mourning. No haircuts, shaving, celebrations (like a marriage), no listening to music, etc. It's interesting to me that my surgery anniversary is during the counting this year. I also got together with my radiation buddies today and enjoyed our friendships so much - it's been about a year since we've met.

I like to take it upon myself to abstain from listening to music during this time. Music is always so much more amazing when I start listening to it again once the counting is over. This of course means that right now I am listening to audio lectures, learning and learning. It's a serious learning time right now and as always we are working on improving ourselves. During this time, we look at one of the sefirot each day and how each one interacts with the others within our own character traits.

This week was Pesach Sheni, which used to be a second chance to offer the Pesach sacrifice in the Temple, if you had not offered it during Passover - for any reason - even if you just refused or didn't want to do it at the proper time. So it's a second chance day - another day of reminding us that Tshuva is possible no matter what mistakes we make or how awful we've been. There's always a second chance to turn ourselves and our lives in a positive direction. Plus, you get to eat more matzo, so unless yours is now stale, it can be a yummy day!

On the day of 2nd chances I went to see my oncologist for my 3-4 month check-up. I was very frightened about this visit because in the past he told me I'd be getting scans every 3-4 months for the first year after treatment. After talking to the oncologist again though, he pretty much said it's my choice how often I get scans. Some people are extremely frightened of recurrence and they do them as much as they can. Others don't. What I got from all my questions about it, gives me this dilemma: do I want to possibly die in 20 years from a different form of cancer due to all of the radiation I've had in the past year or do I want to skip the scan and possibly miss something that may grow to the point of not catching it before it's too late? What would you do if it happened to you????????? (Isn't that a line from Dr. Seuss?)

Anyway, I ran it by Aimee, Solomon the Wise, twelve years old, and she said, "Mom, this is how you got yourself into trouble in the first place!"

So, I guess that warning was my 2nd chance.

Since I can't get the cat scan with the iodine (because of my non-lymph noded arms) and the pet scan shows more, I will get one of those by June, if the insurance agrees to it. That will make it 6 months since my last scan.

I am also getting blood tests for Vit D3, C Reactive Protein (to test my inflammation), and Glycohemoglobin A1C which shows my blood sugar levels over the past 3 months. I've learned from nutritionist, Jeanne Wallace, that those 3 tests help to determine how well you are doing on your diet. As inflammation rises, so do your chances for growing cancer... spikes in blood sugar increases your chance for growing cancer. She has very specific numbers where she feels you are in good shape - numbers that are more strict than the standard of care. And my acupuncturist has supplements that I can increase, as needed, along my diet tweaks.

I am also getting a urine test for the levels and types of estrogen my body produces.

Yes, this year's Counting of the Omer has been very serious in many ways and somewhat difficult in many other ways that I can't go into here. And it's all about the freedom we started to look at on Passover. So whatever you find yourself going through, it's about finding more freedom. (I'm learning from listening to Rabbi Riskin's cd he sent out to all of his supporters) And freedom has to do with getting rid of all the humetz/puffiness/arrogance in your personality & mind.

Whatever's been difficult these past weeks, it's for your own refinement and is giving you a chance to let go of the way you've always been...the way that's been hurting you, whatever you've been holding on to that's not working...whatever philosophies and attitudes that you don't want to let go of. And it isn't easy to admit that you've been wrong all along...but it is the way to freedom. Your idols can't be your own wrong thinking! Make yourself as humble as the bread of affliction, the bread of humility, the stale matzo you haven't thrown out yet!

And as you step back you can then spring forward even stronger! Yay!

Interesting that I am wearing my fake boobs again and working through that one. It's OK now for me to wear them or not to wear them. It's OK to do what makes me feel like I look better. And it's OK to not wear them when I don't want to. And OK to wear a bra again even though I promised myself I wouldn't have to wear a bra ever again once the breasts were removed... Boy, was that promise to myself a slavery of sorts and now I am free. I can change my mind and see where I've been wrong. I can get another scan even though I don't like the radiation of my own cell phone.

Jews believe in the ultimate redemption. We are all empowered to create a better world. It will not be destroyed, it will be perfected. And we're not alone in that endeavor so we will never be allowed to fail.

Can't wait for this counting time to be over Erev May 18th when we symbolically get to a place of deserving to be given the Ten Utterances. You don't get to the promised land if you are worshiping idols of gold at the bottom of the mountain. And I've been getting really sick of the worship of gold. "Goldina Mandina" is not all about that. Instead there is an invisible One that offers us 10 concrete laws to follow so we can, in partnership, make this world a better place. (And there are 7 concrete laws for non-Jews, called the Laws of Noah). So no one ever has to wonder about what is right and what is wrong, nor make your own self the idol that makes those decisions.

(Murder is just wrong, for example...there are no hidden good intentions or reasons that make it right. A murderer is not a freedom fighter. A murderer is not a poor, uneducated, underprivileged Latino that just happens to need to be in a gang and have his own territory to feel safe and powerful. OK, maybe I'm a bigot but I'm on a rampage now because a 17 year old was shot to death right around the block from my house during this counting time. And aren't you sick of the Sentinel telling all the kids not to wear red or antagonize them????? I know it's stupid to antagonize gang members but pride in the Westside never meant, I'll kill you or you'll kill me. Why can't they separate gang gatherings if their intentions are to murder? I just don't get how the focus in the Sentinel is all on us taking more precautions instead of the gang membership being dismantled...Geoff says they are probably keeping mum what they are doing with the gangs in order not to tip them off....

Anyway, lots of seriousness in this writing today. And sorry for foaming at the mouth. I sure did write a lot and seem to not be able to cut things out... May we all have only learning experiences that appear clearly good during these days of counting. And may we have many, many days of celebrations and listening to music.

My Re-Birth Day

B"H

"Sivan 4, 5769 * May 27, 2009
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C O U N T T H E O M E R R E M I N D E R
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Dear Friend,

Tonight, Wednesday night, May 27, 2009, we count forty-nine days, which is seven weeks of the Omer.

For detailed instructions on how to count the Omer, blessing text, omer calendar, and more information, go to: http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=A74EAEDD00117F75EA6A8C597F7C6226&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Now that we have concluded the counting of the Omer, we will resume this subscription next year, please G-d. We would like to invite you to take advantage of many of our other free subscriptions, all available http://link.chabad.org/go.asp?li=418AB5E46DE3B994F04AEC74DAFA0C7C&ui=8386D8B9F6C7753DA312D4350E87A241.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Shavuot,

Chabad.org

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A Spiritual Guide to the counting of the Omer
Forty-Nine Steps to Personal Refinement
Courtesy of www.MeaningfulLife.com
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Day Seven of Week 7
Malchut of Malchut

Examine the sovereignty of your sovereignty. Does it come from deep- rooted inner confidence in myself? Or is it just a put-on to mask my insecurities? Does that cause my sovereignty to be excessive? Am I aware of my uniqueness as a person? Of my personal contribution?

Exercise for the day: Take a moment and concentrate on yourself, on your true inner self, not on your performance and how you project to others; and be at peace with yourself knowing that G-d created a very special person which is you."

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Well, we made it through the counting of the Omer and now we get to celebrate Shavuot and the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Bailly's going to have a dairy food party at her home on Friday at 6pm where we get to hear the rabbi read the 10 Commandments out loud. Today's counting instructions seemed so perfect for my re-birth instructions.

It was so nice to have Bailly put together a party for me. Stef and Doris and Margie helped her that morning. I was grateful to all of them and to all who were able to attend. I had anxiety about having invited too many people and about what I was going to say besides thank you to them all. I even picked at a pimple on my face due to my anxiety which then made me worry even more about how I was going to look. Everyone told me I looked great and everyone had a seat and there was food enough for many more.

I felt ok about what I ended up saying. Luckily I got to rehearse it with Sharol that morning. I basically said that I wanted to say more than thank you but didn't know what to say so I looked at the parsha for the week which is about counting the Jewish people before they got the Torah. Some interpretations say that G-d of course knows how many people were there, but the purpose of the counting was like how we count our own jewels. Relating that to my journey, I realized how much I count because of the uniqueness of who I am. Like the instructions for tonight's counting, I have a purpose to G-d in this lifetime, a "personal contribution" and am feeling more and more that my mission has not been accomplished just yet. It's not about performance, it's about specialness. And so it also relates to how special each of you is to me and how differently I've counted on each of you for the support you have given me throughout this journey that I've been on.

My birthday on the Jewish calendar is the day after Lag B'Omer which is the day in Jewish history when the students of Rabbi Akiva stopped dying from a plague (2nd Temple times). So relating that to me, I realized I've been through the plague and I am still alive and G-d-willing, will continue to live for many more years to come. I wonder if the fact that my birthday lies within the counting of the Omer makes me the kind of person who is always searching for ways to refine my connection to G-d and to my own true essence. (For example, I noticed before writing this that the message count on this site is up to 770...and every chabadnik will understand what I mean when I write that...even though I am still wondering what it all means on a deeper level in relation to what I am writing in this very update.)

So having that party, as much as I debated whether to do it now or not was important to me. Somehow it helped me to mark the end of chemo and surgery and feel like I have accomplished something...and ended something (though it never feels like the end of this). This diagnosis never ends even after your treatment ends so having a party to validate an accomplishment was healing for me.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling more tired than previously. Maybe I was just on a high before with my parents here and the party or maybe I'm just tired from all of that. I had a dream last night that I was pushing myself too hard and ignoring my illness. So I am trying to slow down and remember I'm still recovering from a big surgery.

I wore my bare head during a client session yesterday. With the ortho sleeves and long sleeves over that, I was so hot that I didn't care how I looked. It's funny how I felt before getting this surgery compared to how I feel now. I just want to be comfortable and there is no comfort for me with these darn ortho sleeves. So I really don't care anymore what people think about my flat chest and very, very, very short haircut.

By the end of every day, I rip off my sleeves and breathe a sigh of relief. I know I should just be happy to be alive (and I am) but without the sleeves on, life is so much more enjoyable. My mom always called me "Princess and the Pea", so there you go. I am definitely a creature of comfort and very sensitive.

I've been letting go of the guilt more too. This disease happens to people who are really different from me! It wasn't my fault. Who I am and the mistakes I made and whatever hang ups I had didn't create this problem. How could it if so many others who don't have my hang-ups have this disease too? What a relief to be able to say that now, compared to where I was in the beginning.

Next week starts a new chapter in my treatment: radiation. I've got an appointment every week day starting the 3rd at 11:30am for 10 minutes. The receptionist told me I'd get to be friends with all the other gals who have the same appointment time. So it's calendula cream until my skin turns red and then it's aloe vera to prevent the blisters. Luckily it's all taking place on just my left side and not my right.

I hear radiation's not a big ordeal and maybe I WILL be able to have Aimee's Bat Mitzvah party on July 26th...radiation will be done a couple weeks before that.