Shlumpy to Gorgeous

"There Is World

By Tzvi Freeman

here are three things to always remember:

The One Above, yourself below, and the world in between.

Abandon any one of those and you will stumble and fall.

Even those who grasp for G–d alone, they do not build, but desolate.

To reach G–d, you must deal with the reality of your world and redeem it.

—from a talk, spring of '91 (Iyar 5751)"

By Tzvi Freeman
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe , of righteous memory; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman . To order Tzvi's book, "Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here. Rabbi Freeman is available for public speaking and workshops. Read more on his bio page.

I've been enjoying working on my world lately. I get so much more of a reward out of the good work I do with my family if I compare it to the work I do with my paying job. And I've been remembering how good I really am at my non-paying job as wife and mother, daughter, sister and friend, though, of course, I can always do better.

Walking with Geoff in the morning is key. Otherwise, we just don't make the time to talk. Maybe one day I'll even get him to walk in the trees with me instead of always being on West Cliff. My new name for him is "savant" because of his incredibly quick mind.

Making more time for my kids and focusing on what needs to be done better in that department really feels good. Especially since I was so absent last year and they had to go through fears of losing me, it's important for me to show them I'm still here. I get up in the morning with them when they have breakfast and I told Geoff this morning that I want to pick up Aimee from school from now on.

There are other more personal things I am doing for each of my family members that has improved our relationships and dissolved some of my own stress too. I just want to protect them, so I can't go into them here. But my usual method of running away from difficulties has transformed into realizing how much I get from going through them and getting to the other side.

My job outside of the home is a great distraction and mostly I feel energized after a day of working, unless I just overbook myself which is easy for me to do. But it gives me a sense of power and self-worth when I know that at every moment with a client, I am just doing my best. That way, I can let go of old thoughts and worries about the problems of others that I can't solve for them. My therapist reminds me that my clients tend to come back, so I must be doing something right!

I've paid off all of the scam this month!! So I'm going to start paying my friend in April to rent the beautiful office she so graciously allowed me to use for free.

I can now see the "reason" for the scam. It's Higher Purpose was to help me commit more to a job that pays me well and that I do well. I've always had so many doubts about it and my ability and fears around whether I really wanted to get into all that again. It's been 10 years of trying to find another way of making an income. I needed that scam to stop me from trying to find an easy way out. And the cancer to make me fear I wouldn't be able to work just when I had started back up again. So the scam also forced me to not run away, but instead, move forward through to the other side of the difficulties.

I also was worried I wouldn't be able to find a way through my latest setback with the Tamoxifen but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. With the Wellbutrin, I've gone through the uncomfortable parts of starting a new med and it's working better inside of me now. And I'm not afraid to take a tiny amount of Lunesta every night. It's so nice to not have to suffer from insomnia when there's a solution for it that works better than anything else natural that I've ever tried.

This week I've been looking at my insane desire to eat cookies. I really don't want to put sugar into my system because it feeds those bad cells. My question for myself this week has been - what else gives me pleasure? What else could be a treat for me? So I've reintroduced myself to a different, healthier addiction, crime novels. TV is one of my unhealthy addictions and I don't want to spend so much time watching TV so it's been fun to have the energy to get back into reading without falling asleep from it.

But I still watch Law and Order and now love the shows Medium and Cold Case. I allow myself to watch TV in moderation and remember hearing somewhere a long time ago that TV's the modern form of meditation. My favorite new show is one that Aimee turned me on to: "What Not to Wear". I watch it with a smile on my face the entire time. Aimee was imitating my face while watching it and we laughed so hard. I love seeing the transformation from shlumpy to gorgeous!

I think that's the Jewish purpose for life - to turn our world from shlumpy to gorgeous!

I Love My New Office(s)

Enclosing the balcony off of our master bedroom was my present to myself for getting through this year of breast cancer treatment. My first full day in my new office was wonderful! I love the views. When I looked at the dates of my first full day and when I moved in, I realized it was the end and beginning of a new month on the Jewish calendar. I also did some numerology with the other calendar dates & realized I moved in on a Hanged Man day (#12 in the Tarot Major Arcana) and I had my first full day sitting at my desk on a Death card day (#13).

Remember when I went into the hospital? In my stupor, wondering if I was going to make it out of there alive, I kept doing numerology with the room numbers. The number of the room I was in during my pain filled beginning there was the Hanged Man. It made me wonder where I was hung up and stuck repeating an old pattern and trying to get different results.

So of course I thought about the scam again. I'm still working through why that happened. What's really weird is I discovered that the scam happened the very same time on the Jewish calendar as when I fell into the hospital last year after my first chemo. Yeah, it's the yahrtzeit (1st anniversary) of the murders in Mumbai this week, which happened right after I got out of the hospital.

So the pattern I had discovered and conquered in the hospital had to do with giving my power away to authority figures. The pattern I discovered from the scam had to do with my fear around spending money on myself (on the new office) - and seeing Geoff as an authority figure that I had to please if I was going to spend all that money.

I was in a trance when I first gave my neighbor the go ahead to spend money on building the office. All I could think of after that was making Geoff feel ok about our money situation. (And making myself feel ok about spending all that money on myself.) I was in such a trance that I didn't even check out the letter or the check I'd been sent regarding the mystery shopper job. All I was doing was telling myself and Geoff - don't worry! - we've got the money! I've got a new job! We're going to be fine! (If I'd asked him to look at the letter, or asked my bank to do the same, we really would have been fine...)

So instead of $5K for a new office, I got a $9K new office (when you include the $4K loss from the scam) - which is still less than the $10K I was quoted many years ago by a company that specialized in making sun rooms. Doug, my neighbor/contractor was such a great support to me, helping me find windows at such a low price, you'd never believe it. Plus he actually gave me lots of stuff for free that he had sitting around his yard. I am really grateful to Doug for not only helping me clarify what I wanted so I could make inexpensive decisions that actualized my vision, but for giving me the emotional support I needed as well. He is very sweet.

If any of you want to do construction on your home or office, keep him in mind: Doug McCloskey 831-247-2687 - you won't regret it.

I went to the oncologist today. I've got a PET scan coming up. He told me it wouldn't show anything smaller than 1cm. When I asked him if CT scans showed less, he told me that they don't show lymph nodes which are 1cm. I asked him if he's concerned about the lymph nodes and he told me he was concerned about checking to see whether I have anything in my lungs, bones and organs.

So that's where I'm at. And I think it's good for me to be reminded of all of this. My life is precious and could be very short. Spending money on myself and getting a beautiful office just for me is worth every penny - even with the overage based in a scam. I want to make the most out of every day.

I'm also now working out of my friend's office which is another beautiful place that also gives me views of my favorite thing in nature: trees. She offered me this place for free through the end of the year all the way back in August. I wasn't able to take her up on her offer due to my own silly pattern of needing to take care of others while putting myself last. I was worried my clients wouldn't want to travel to the new officel. It took the scam and the need to save money to motivate me to take care of myself and I just love the office and feel so at home there. Both my new offices let me look at trees while I work.

So what's the Death card have to do with my first day in this new home office? Well, remember that the year I was diagnosed was my Death card year? The card symbolizes death & rebirth. Need I say more?

I Wanted To Die

I literally wanted to die last week. It was very interesting to me that the thought even arose considering how I've been fighting to live. But when I realized I'd been the victim of a scam, the reality was too much to bare. I felt so full of shame that I couldn't imagine ever being able to recover from this - let alone have to pay the bank back $4000.

It was last Thursday that the surprise came that the check I'd cashed and then spent at Western Union, sending money to someone I didn't know, was bogus. That was only a week after getting the surprise $4000 check in the mail to start my new business as a "Mystery Shopper". I feel so foolish now thinking about how I went to Safeway and watched very carefully as the clerk looked at my ID to check my signature but not my photo. I couldn't wait to report back to headquarters that she didn't look at my photo!!! I also was so excited that I was getting $400 just to do something as easy as all that. I couldn't wait to complete my "assignment" so I could get another one!

It's really hard for me to admit this to all of you. Just how stupid I was. And even harder over the past several days to remember all the signs I didn't want to see that should have warned me to do a bit of investigation or to at least wait for the check to clear!

Luckily, right after going to the bank and negotiating with the manager so I could pay this off at $500 a month over the next 6 months, I came home to my neighbor telling me how beautiful I am. He was working on the enclosed balcony and after I told him why the police were at our home last night, he told me how stunned he was after reading my last post. I'm beautiful because I have a great attitude and my kids are special and must get that from somewhere.

That's when the real tears started. I'd woken up in the middle of the night and cried but not as much as when he told me what he told me. And then something happened even better: someone was at the door - I had scheduled to do an EFT trade with the only other therapist in town who does EFT and instead of a trade, she gave me two hours of her time with no payback!

EFT works really well when you're in the state that I was in. She helped me release a lot of tears and shame by reminding me how many really intelligent people got duped by Madoff. People I respect. And she reminded me that this scammer didn't get the things that really mean something to me in this life. He couldn't take away my kids or the help I've given to moms. And what helped me take away the shame the most was when she told me that I got led down this fantasy job thing because of all I've been through this year. I was so wanting to believe that my luck finally came through. (I know, I'm alive and that's lucky, but you know what I mean.) She's brilliant with EFT, is so incredibly compassionate and easy to talk to, and her name is Suzanne Lerner. Her website is: http://makeyourlifeshine.com

When I saw Baily, she told me that what happened to me was a "Kapparah for my health". I couldn't remember what Kapparah was until I remembered the plural form, "Kaparot" and remembered the chicken ritual. From http://www.chabadbythesea.com/holidays/JewishNewYear/template_cdo/aid/989585/jewish/Kaparot.htm: "It is customary to perform the kaparot (symbolic "atonement") rite in preparation for Yom Kippur.

The rite consists of taking a chicken and waving it over one's head three times while reciting the appropriate text. The fowl is then slaughtered in accordance with halachic procedure and its monetary worth given to the poor, or, as is more popular today, the chicken itself is donated to a charitable cause.

We ask of G‑d that if we were destined to be the recipients of harsh decrees in the new year, may they be transferred to this chicken in the merit of this mitzvah of charity.

In most Jewish communities, kaparot is an organized event at a designated location. Live chickens are made available for purchase, ritual slaughterers are present, and the slaughtered birds are donated to a charitable organization..."

I did feel better thinking about this as a Kaparah. Hopefully something died with this foolish episode and something good instead will come of it.

Already I've been forced to take a look at how gung ho I was to have a different job than I have now. I wanted a magic solution to my difficulties at my job. When my magic solution was a scam, I felt I'd rather die than have to go back to facing the challenges I'm facing right now. Amazing to me that it hits me that hard. My eternal optimism during chemo kept me from the challenges in my work. I just couldn't go there. But ever since chemo's been over, I've hit a wave of difficult clients and situations. Is it the economy? Is it my outlook?

So I decided to do what I love doing and forget about the monetary payout. I don't want a recurrence. I want my work to be enjoyable and stress-free. Remember my money honey? He was not in agreement with me taking the "Mystery Shopper" job. I didn't listen to him and so he left me while I was involved with what I thought was a real money honey! Hopefully he's back now that I'm writing again.

I am writing articles and tweeking articles I've already written. One of the papers I've sent an article to is going to publish it. I haven't heard from the other newspapers, but I just keep writing and emailing. And I've got two articles I'm planning to add to my website.

Maybe next week I'll have some photos, I'm still painting the room and there are a couple construction things to finish. The reconstruction of that balcony and my own psyche are continuing.

P.S. Just found out the scam was in the paper today: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/ci_13753816?IADID=Search-www.santacruzsentinel.com-www.santacruzsentinel.com