Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Chemo Fears

Will it kill me or just the bad cells?

That's the question I want answered this week. I won't move forward with any oncologist without having some sense of security around that issue. How are you going to protect me from going into neutrapenia again? Have you ever worked with a case like mine? If not, how will you know what to do?

I wasn't able to fully feel confident in my old oncologist when I met with her yesterday and so I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow for a meeting with a new oncologist.

I am really hoping that he can set my mind at ease because I am still battling the repercussions of the last chemo and don't feel physically ready for another round. I am now a week behind on the standard schedule. So I'm feeling between a rock and a hard place - either I wait too long and die from those bad cells or I move forward too quickly and die from the chemo.

Sorry for being so morbid but this week really comes down to that in my mind.

Tomorrow's new oncologist comes recommended by both my good friend Elise who's an MD who sends all her patients to him and would send her family members to him and by my good friend & acupuncturist, Emmy Cushnir. So I'm hopeful that I will finally feel like I can work with someone I can trust. Wish me luck - the appointment's at 3:40pm tomorrow.

And I just don't have the energy to search more than that or to call specialists from all over the country. Maybe I'm crazy not to do more searching but this is all I am capable of right now. Either this new oncologist will be the right one for me or I don't know what I'm going to do.

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