Who Shall Live and Who Shall Die

Amazing that my diagnosis coincided with Rosh Hashana last year. If you really take to heart what it says in the prayerbook, you get to experience what it feels like to be diagnosed with canCer. (The one with the Big C.) And I think that's the way it should be. Faced with your own mortality, it's much more likely that you'll make the changes you need to make.

Here's a quote from the Oonataneh Tokef, (just in case you didn't get a chance to experience the awesomeness of it):
"All created beings pass before You, (one by one,) like a flock of sheep...and You allocate the fixed portion for the needs of all Your creatures, and inscribe the verdict of their judgment.

On Rosh Hashana they are inscribed, and on the fast day of Yom Kippur they are sealed: How many shall pass away and how many shall be born; who shall live and who shall die; who shall live out his allotted time and who shall depart before his time; who (shall perish) by water and who by fire; who by the sword and who by a wild beast; who by hunger and who by thirst; who by earthquake and who by pestilence; who by strangulation and who by lapidation; who shall be at rest and who shall wander; who shall be tranquil and who shall be harassed; who shall enjoy well-being and who shall suffer tribulation; who shall be poor and who shall be rich; who shall be humbled and who shall be exalted.

But Repentance, Prayer and Charity avert the severity of the decree.

For as is Your Name so is Your praise. You are slow to anger and easy to pacify, for You do not desire the death of the one deserving death, but that he return from his path and live. And (even) until the day of his death You wait for him; if he will by repent, You will welcome him at once..." from Machzor for Rosh Hashanah, translation by Rabbi Nissen Mangel, published and copywrited by Merkos L'Inyonei Chinuch, order through www.kehotonline.com

Our Machzor is 369 pages long and the services are a prayer workout - a marathon lasting 4-5 hours on Shabbos and holidays - while the Yom Kippur machzor is an all day affair. It's like a 24 hour silent zen center experience only with standing, sitting, singing, and constantly bringing your mind back to the words of the prayer you're reciting under your breath. Tiring, boring sometimes, but I've worked my way up to it and have been able to do the entire thing, following along in the English while the rabbi does it all out loud in Hebrew. Unfortunately, I missed the workout this year.

I did end up catching Aimee's cold and was soooooooo disappointed that I couldn't pray with my peeps. I missed the lovely service on Friday night with the delicious meal afterward and the longer service the next day. Baily and Yochanon set up a tent in their backyard and then invite everyone to stay for a meal after services. Very warm and heimishe. All my friends were there and I was coughing and feeling sorry for myself at home.

Trying to find the silver lining, I realized how much I wanted to pray with everyone and how much that group means to me. I ended up borrowing a prayerbook from the rabbi so I could still pray at home. (I don't own a High Holiday Machzur!) Praying by myself was actually very meaningful. I took breaks when I needed to and really got to focus on the prayers and on what I was saying rather than being distracted.

On Sunday, I went to part of the service and got to hear the shofar and some of the ancient melodies that I so love to hear this time of year. I heard some wisdom from the rabbi's which I loved and got to pray a bit with everyone. After awhile I got tired and left, so I missed my favorite part, the Priestly Blessing:-[ And it was kind of embarrassing to be there since I had to tell people I had a cold when they went to hug me but sometimes they thought I was telling them I didn't want to catch anything from them!

Being sick brought back all the past year and all the times I had to stay away from friends and family. It helped me make an even deeper level of commitment to taking care of myself because I had to face my fragility yet again. I could have prevented this cold had I protected myself better. So it even got me to accept the fact I need to get back on the immune builders and also get a flu shot.

Not changing the subject at all, I have to share with you that I saw a DVD on Joni Mitchell's life history. In my mind, she is the greatest poet, musician, & artist born out of the turbulent 60's and 70's. Her ability to plumb the depths of her pain and come out with clear, raw poetry and music, capturing the essence of universal themes is something I've always admired and loved.

What captured my attention in relationship to all of this is that her life was really a struggle mirroring the woman's movement. She had a child out of wedlock that she had to put up for adoption because she couldn't depend on the man she later married to do the right thing. Then after divorcing him, she became famous and her writing revolved around romantic love vs independence. She couldn't get tied down in a relationship, she wanted to focus on her craft. And because she refused to marry Graham Nash, she did blossom and her best work came out of the depression following the break-up. In the end though, she admits that the most important thing in life is Love. And not romantic love.

It hit me that she missed that Love when she gave up her baby and when she subsequently gave up marriage and family for her craft. Her independence and desire to further her career gave her something really great while raising a child and committing to a marriage would have given her something else. To me that's what this whole holiday boils down to: what's important in life? Career? or family, friends, & relationships? That's the universal dilemma of a woman. How can you develop your own craft and self-care while at the same time, not forgetting the relationships that are really the most important things in life?

When faced with the possibility of dying no matter how much you pray or what you eat or how you think or how much you give or how good a person you are (since we're even told that the angels are judged on this holiday), and knowing that whether you live or die is really, ultimately out of your own hands, what's most important gets really clear:

Our relationships.

And that's what I keep coming back to when I get sick. I don't want to have a recurrence. I want to live and the most important thing that I miss when I am sick is my peeps.