I wrote an update yesterday and usually when I click on "Post", at least 5 - 10 of you appear in my guestbook, showing me you've taken a peek. Instead, only one person showed up. I began to think, "maybe it's been a year and people are getting tired of these updates. Oh well, I'll keep writing just for me." Then I began to realize that maybe no one got the email notice that I'd written a new update...
It's funny how I jump to that lonely place where people are really getting tired of me anyway. Also funny how this Rosh Hashanah for me has been lonely (see previous update that you didn't see yet!) What does it all mean in the grand scheme of things and what does it mean that this happened for the first time in a year of updates? I love looking at underlying meanings of why HaShem brings things into my life.
This is the week of making amends. What does that have to do with these updates? Do I need to make amends with you all?
Maybe I need to write a few things to you.
1. Thanks for being here with me all this time. It does mean a lot to me that you're still reading this stuff. It's helped me to feel good about myself - like I have something to say, something to give and maybe some things that are important to share. I've needed to feel good about myself this past year. This carepages is one of the ways I felt better about myself and how I got through all the self-doubt, guilt and self-blame.
2. If you ever stop looking, I won't notice because there are so many of you. So don't feel bad about it. I understand that this is a long time and I'm over the worst of it and you don't need to continue with the drama of my life. I may also decide not to continue with this writing one day, but for now, it's still healing for me.
3. I'm sorry if I pontificate and write too much about my Jewish thoughts. Or if I act like a know-it-all on that front, I don't mean to. I know so little it isn't funny. And I'm seriously not very observant. I wish I followed more of the commandments, but I'm severely lax in a lot of ways. If I've ever offended you because you're Jewish and have other beliefs about it, I apologize. If I've offended you or made you feel like you should be Jewish but you're not, please know that I know there are many ways to the One and everyone alive has their special purpose on this planet. I don't want to be offensive to anyone and I only want to write about what interests me.
4. If I've written too graphically over the past year about things that should stay private, I'm sorry. It helps me to write the honest truth and it sometimes comes out with a bang. I know we're in mixed company and I have to refer to body parts, etc., and don't want to offend anyone and won't be offended if you can't continue to read these updates because of that.
5. I apologize to anyone who feels that I've written something about them that should have stayed confidential or wasn't written in exactly the way you wished you'd been represented. I realize that could be really embarrassing for you and I'm sorry if I've done that.
Since I can't think of anything else at the moment, that will have to do for now. It actually feels good to get that all out since I had been thinking about them. I so treasure this community and what you have all brought to me over this past year. You have no idea how much you mean to me and have meant to my recovery.