Day of Rest

I don't think the carepages notification system has been working right...so you may find that you are behind by 3 updates...

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This past week was really crazy for me. I felt like I was running around and very busy the entire week. Was it just me or did you feel that way too?

If it was just me, I think it's a sign to me about how I'm dealing with this canServersary...keeping busy enough not to feel anything about it. I got Aimee a 12 foot trampoline this week and discovered that my arms didn't swell up with lympedema from putting it together practically all by myself (not to say Techy didn't help tremendously). But then I had the carpets cleaned and boy oh boy, can I tell you how much furniture I moved around and lifted?

My lower back told me last night when I finally got into bed.

What is going on with me? I was carrying around furniture yesterday thinking, "I need to remember I'm recovering...maybe I'll start wearing that pink bracelet with the ribbon on it to remind me." Or do I need to get a medical bracelet to remind me? Or am I just not wanting to face the memory of this past year right now?

Last year at this time, I couldn't stop crying. This year, I can't stop myself from running away from it all. I reach into the top of my shirt and reach down between my camisole and those beautiful fake boobies and feel the scar and cringe. I just want to get on with my life and pretend this year never happened. I want my hair long again no matter who tells me I look great with short hair. But some things are impossible. And I shouldn't run from reality if I want to stay alive. I need to force myself to keep remembering I'm a very recent survivor because all I want to do is run away.

I guess at least that tells you how great I feel physically anyway. I get tired though when I push myself and so I have to force myself to remember I'm a recent survivor.

So I was incredibly happy that today was the day of rest. Since becoming friends with Baily and hanging out with her on Saturdays, I found myself really enjoying the absence of my running on at least one day of the week, every week. Over the years I've cut a couple of things out of most of my Saturdays: the computer & shopping. It's rare that I do those things on the day of rest anymore. And mostly, I only drive when I go to Baily's house.

I used to download and print articles from Chabad website to read on that day so I could avoid turning on the TV. I'd only watch if Geoff turned it on. But since getting sick last year, TV's become my friend and my Saturdays, unless I go to Baily's, consist of sitting in bed and watching TV all day. Not the holiest of habits for the day of rest.

Still, I find the permission to rest irresistible. And so I take it on like the commandment it is. But I am not exactly anywhere close to being traditionally Shomer Shabbos. Maybe one of these days I'll get back to the holy part and get myself to read instead of watching TV. Or get myself over to Baily's where I know I won't do anything but chat and eat and relax.

Tomorrow night starts the Shabbos of Shabbosim (or at least I think it's been called that): Yom Kippur, where we rest from all kinds of earthly pursuits. We fast (which darn, my doctor said I was healthy enough for), and we wear white and hope to achieve angelic heights with the day-long prayers and fasting.

A group of our friends has been getting together to break the fast over the past few years and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. It's a bit embarrassing - where I've been this past year - and I'm not sure what that embarrassment is all about. Maybe I'm just being shy and don't want attention but I'm sure this canServersary of mine is going to be on the minds of many of my peeps on Monday.

Yom Kippur is the one holiday that nearly every Jew celebrates and so when I was younger, the Temple I grew up in had to rent out a very large church for the occasion. I remember my friend, Nancy and I, sneaking candy bars in the church bathroom because we were "fasting". My kids are going to try to fast - we'll see how well they do. It's not easy - especially if you are home the whole time and not in services. But I won't let them go to school no matter how much homework they will need to make up. It's just that kind of a holiday and schools should be off for it - it's not fair to the Jewish kids to have to make up a day missed for religious purposes.

The liturgy for Yom Kippur is fabulous but towards the end we read about the horrific deaths of our most revered sages. All of them were tortured and it is unpleasant to be reminded of the dark past of our people. Especially when you think if this could happen to the great, holy rabbis, what could happen to a shmo like me? But this is Yom Kippur and this is it's wonderful ability to bring you to your knees, remembering that you are not in control of it all, a Higher Power is, and the reasons that certain things happen is ultimately beyond your puny human understanding. Yes, everyone who really participates in Yom Kippur in a deep way, goes through their own canServersary.

Anyway, I hope you all get a notification of this update and for those of you celebrating Yom Kippur tomorrow night and Monday, I wish you a very meaningful holiday and a very easy fast.