My Jewish Anniversary

It was 3 years ago today, one day before the start of Yom Kippur, that I heard the unbelievable news I had breast cancer. I remember crying off and on that entire day. By the next day, Erev Yom Kippur - Kol Nidrei, I was calmed down and not crying....until I saw my friends at services.

I'm always amazed by what happens in my life coinciding with the Jewish holidays. They seem to be like guide-points informing the course of my daily challenges, learning and growth. And this 10 days of Tshuva has been as Awakening as the one 3 years ago, though in a different way.

"Mindfulness" is all the rage right now in psychotherapy. Mindfulness, in it's simplest explanation, is observing what is going on around you and inside of you with no judgement - only curiosity and radical acceptance.

So I've been thinking about mindfulness as it addresses the challenges that I've been going through lately. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the story I tell myself about anything is usually more critical and hopeless/helpless than things really are. Truly whenever I get challenged and I go into that negative state, it always passes and something wonderful comes out of the challenge.

I see mindfulness as a way of observing the negative thoughts/feelings without creating more negative story. It's looking at your story with compassion and curiosity, "hmmm, this is stressful, what's that about? What am I thinking/feeling? Hmmm, that's interesting...What do I need? What can I do about it?" Mindfulness to me is gaining some distance from thoughts and feelings - a realization that they are separate from the You who never changes and is always there observing without judgement. That Observing You is eternal, compassionate and wise.

So why go into the negativity in the first place?

Well, we have to go into negativity and challenge in order to come out the other side. Challenge gives us the information we need to grow. I'm always looking for the hidden lessons in my experiences. I think that's what the Kabbalists mean when they speak about the world being created by a shattering of the vessels and that our job is searching for the sparks of light within the broken shards.

Yom Kippur takes brokenness and says there's always a repair. Did you know that it is the anniversary of the breaking of the first set of tablets that Moses came down to give the Jewish people when they built the golden calf? It's the 2nd set of tablets, after the broken ones, that are eternal. We can't repair unless we first break down. So Yom Kippur comes as a reminder that there is always hope for repair and return. When the vessel of our personality becomes too inflexible, we experience the challenge to open up and become more than what we thought we could be.

The world we are building is so much more than we can ever fathom! That is the promise to the Jewish people from G-d.

There is a beautiful prayer on Rosh Hashana that says "On Rosh Hashanah all of mankind pass before Him like sheep -they pass by Him one by one, one after the other, yet He scrutinizes them all with a single glance."
That prayer was written by a righteous Jewish rabbi who was constantly challenged by his Roman ruler to convert to Christianity. The one time he didn't come when the Roman called him, his punishment was cutting off his arms and legs. After that, he was still living and had someone record this prayer before he passed away.

There are many prayers we read on Yom Kippur about the martyrs of our holy sages and the ways they were tortured and killed - it's revolting! And yet, "R. Cruspedai said in the name of R. Yochanan: Three ledgers are opened on Rosh Hashanah: one for those who are entirely wicked, one for those who are entirely righteous, and one for those who are in the middle. The entirely righteous are immediately inscribed and sealed to live. The entirely wicked are immediately inscribed and sealed to die. The fate of those in the middle is held in balance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur." It doesn't make sense that our sacred, righteous and holy people were murdered and tortured! http://www.chabadbythesea.com/holidays/JewishNewYear/template_cdo/aid/4399/jewish/Day-of-Judgment.htm

So why do we read that the righteous die when they are supposed to live? I believe it is because "death" and "life" are not defined literally. A totally righteous rabbi can be tortured and die but his prayer can live on. There is no control over life and death in this world because there is free choice and the monsters and the polluters who cause cancers and the people in power who care only about money above humanity, have their free choice. When we are co-creators with G-d, what we create is eternal and will be part of the ultimate creation of the world to come.

The creations of the monsters will die along with them - they are only golden calves. But the righteous and "g-dly" LIVE. The challenges we have are passing and temporary. Look for what is eternal. So, between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, as I know I'm not entirely righteous or wicked but instead am a "benyoni", I am continually working on expanding the vessel so it can hold more light. And my work is in the vessel that holds myself, my career, my friends and my own family. I'm continually trying to find the light in my own tiny corner of this crazy world.

My you all find the light in your own tiny corners this year!

Day of Rest

I don't think the carepages notification system has been working right...so you may find that you are behind by 3 updates...

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This past week was really crazy for me. I felt like I was running around and very busy the entire week. Was it just me or did you feel that way too?

If it was just me, I think it's a sign to me about how I'm dealing with this canServersary...keeping busy enough not to feel anything about it. I got Aimee a 12 foot trampoline this week and discovered that my arms didn't swell up with lympedema from putting it together practically all by myself (not to say Techy didn't help tremendously). But then I had the carpets cleaned and boy oh boy, can I tell you how much furniture I moved around and lifted?

My lower back told me last night when I finally got into bed.

What is going on with me? I was carrying around furniture yesterday thinking, "I need to remember I'm recovering...maybe I'll start wearing that pink bracelet with the ribbon on it to remind me." Or do I need to get a medical bracelet to remind me? Or am I just not wanting to face the memory of this past year right now?

Last year at this time, I couldn't stop crying. This year, I can't stop myself from running away from it all. I reach into the top of my shirt and reach down between my camisole and those beautiful fake boobies and feel the scar and cringe. I just want to get on with my life and pretend this year never happened. I want my hair long again no matter who tells me I look great with short hair. But some things are impossible. And I shouldn't run from reality if I want to stay alive. I need to force myself to keep remembering I'm a very recent survivor because all I want to do is run away.

I guess at least that tells you how great I feel physically anyway. I get tired though when I push myself and so I have to force myself to remember I'm a recent survivor.

So I was incredibly happy that today was the day of rest. Since becoming friends with Baily and hanging out with her on Saturdays, I found myself really enjoying the absence of my running on at least one day of the week, every week. Over the years I've cut a couple of things out of most of my Saturdays: the computer & shopping. It's rare that I do those things on the day of rest anymore. And mostly, I only drive when I go to Baily's house.

I used to download and print articles from Chabad website to read on that day so I could avoid turning on the TV. I'd only watch if Geoff turned it on. But since getting sick last year, TV's become my friend and my Saturdays, unless I go to Baily's, consist of sitting in bed and watching TV all day. Not the holiest of habits for the day of rest.

Still, I find the permission to rest irresistible. And so I take it on like the commandment it is. But I am not exactly anywhere close to being traditionally Shomer Shabbos. Maybe one of these days I'll get back to the holy part and get myself to read instead of watching TV. Or get myself over to Baily's where I know I won't do anything but chat and eat and relax.

Tomorrow night starts the Shabbos of Shabbosim (or at least I think it's been called that): Yom Kippur, where we rest from all kinds of earthly pursuits. We fast (which darn, my doctor said I was healthy enough for), and we wear white and hope to achieve angelic heights with the day-long prayers and fasting.

A group of our friends has been getting together to break the fast over the past few years and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. It's a bit embarrassing - where I've been this past year - and I'm not sure what that embarrassment is all about. Maybe I'm just being shy and don't want attention but I'm sure this canServersary of mine is going to be on the minds of many of my peeps on Monday.

Yom Kippur is the one holiday that nearly every Jew celebrates and so when I was younger, the Temple I grew up in had to rent out a very large church for the occasion. I remember my friend, Nancy and I, sneaking candy bars in the church bathroom because we were "fasting". My kids are going to try to fast - we'll see how well they do. It's not easy - especially if you are home the whole time and not in services. But I won't let them go to school no matter how much homework they will need to make up. It's just that kind of a holiday and schools should be off for it - it's not fair to the Jewish kids to have to make up a day missed for religious purposes.

The liturgy for Yom Kippur is fabulous but towards the end we read about the horrific deaths of our most revered sages. All of them were tortured and it is unpleasant to be reminded of the dark past of our people. Especially when you think if this could happen to the great, holy rabbis, what could happen to a shmo like me? But this is Yom Kippur and this is it's wonderful ability to bring you to your knees, remembering that you are not in control of it all, a Higher Power is, and the reasons that certain things happen is ultimately beyond your puny human understanding. Yes, everyone who really participates in Yom Kippur in a deep way, goes through their own canServersary.

Anyway, I hope you all get a notification of this update and for those of you celebrating Yom Kippur tomorrow night and Monday, I wish you a very meaningful holiday and a very easy fast.

Making Amends

I wrote an update yesterday and usually when I click on "Post", at least 5 - 10 of you appear in my guestbook, showing me you've taken a peek. Instead, only one person showed up. I began to think, "maybe it's been a year and people are getting tired of these updates. Oh well, I'll keep writing just for me." Then I began to realize that maybe no one got the email notice that I'd written a new update...

It's funny how I jump to that lonely place where people are really getting tired of me anyway. Also funny how this Rosh Hashanah for me has been lonely (see previous update that you didn't see yet!) What does it all mean in the grand scheme of things and what does it mean that this happened for the first time in a year of updates? I love looking at underlying meanings of why HaShem brings things into my life.

This is the week of making amends. What does that have to do with these updates? Do I need to make amends with you all?

Maybe I need to write a few things to you.

1. Thanks for being here with me all this time. It does mean a lot to me that you're still reading this stuff. It's helped me to feel good about myself - like I have something to say, something to give and maybe some things that are important to share. I've needed to feel good about myself this past year. This carepages is one of the ways I felt better about myself and how I got through all the self-doubt, guilt and self-blame.

2. If you ever stop looking, I won't notice because there are so many of you. So don't feel bad about it. I understand that this is a long time and I'm over the worst of it and you don't need to continue with the drama of my life. I may also decide not to continue with this writing one day, but for now, it's still healing for me.

3. I'm sorry if I pontificate and write too much about my Jewish thoughts. Or if I act like a know-it-all on that front, I don't mean to. I know so little it isn't funny. And I'm seriously not very observant. I wish I followed more of the commandments, but I'm severely lax in a lot of ways. If I've ever offended you because you're Jewish and have other beliefs about it, I apologize. If I've offended you or made you feel like you should be Jewish but you're not, please know that I know there are many ways to the One and everyone alive has their special purpose on this planet. I don't want to be offensive to anyone and I only want to write about what interests me.

4. If I've written too graphically over the past year about things that should stay private, I'm sorry. It helps me to write the honest truth and it sometimes comes out with a bang. I know we're in mixed company and I have to refer to body parts, etc., and don't want to offend anyone and won't be offended if you can't continue to read these updates because of that.

5. I apologize to anyone who feels that I've written something about them that should have stayed confidential or wasn't written in exactly the way you wished you'd been represented. I realize that could be really embarrassing for you and I'm sorry if I've done that.

Since I can't think of anything else at the moment, that will have to do for now. It actually feels good to get that all out since I had been thinking about them. I so treasure this community and what you have all brought to me over this past year. You have no idea how much you mean to me and have meant to my recovery.